LookAtThisPOst Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I was talking to a female friend and we were talking about remaining in contact with ex's and such, even as friends. Her philosophy was "Nope! Ex's are EX's for a REASON!" And she pretty much left it at that, while others tends to still remain friends with their ex's. I know a woman that's going through a nasty, but amicable divorce...apparently her and her husband are still friends...probably because they have to be...for the kids. But with her, it's a non-issue. Though, do you think there should be boundaries drawn eventually when said person starts seeing others? I recall on an OK Cupid profile, a woman who said she's been friends with her ex-husband since 2000 and will continue to do so as he's been her only confidante, and...if you have a problem with that, then find someone else. I found this particularly off putting because...why put that in your profile? If you were seeing someone, to what extent would you be okay with their associating with their ex?
PegNosePete Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I found this particularly off putting because...why put that in your profile? The same reason people put all sorts of other crazy and weird stuff on their profiles. To try to prevent the past repeating itself. Most likely at some point, she has been dumped because of her "friendship" with her ex. So she puts this up-front to avoid the same situation developing.
Miss Clavel Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 when people who have seen each other naked, seen their O face, want to see someone else naked, i think it's over. it's over for a reason. and i don't need any "half-measure" offers from any chicken **** that rejects me. either you want me or you don't. and i never go backwards. if you resolve not to "be" with someone, then man up and take it to the final bridge burning. bridges are burned for a reason. so the other person can't "cross" over and use you again. under the guise of friendship. i have not seen any evidence that the opposite sex can be "friends" after they have sex. esp once one of them gets sexy with someone new. "we can still be friends" is a way to put your "second best" option on the back burner, in case you need some "friendship" from them. usually late at night. sorry..what was the question? oh, ya. about a year after my wasband left, i met someone and started a "friendship" and i did ask him for the male perspective since he is a male and he did know me. so i guess i took him into my "confidence" but only to let him know the difference between trash and treasure. 2
keiji Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 Though, do you think there should be boundaries drawn eventually when said person starts seeing others? I recall on an OK Cupid profile, a woman who said she's been friends with her ex-husband since 2000 and will continue to do so as he's been her only confidante, and...if you have a problem with that, then find someone else. I found this particularly off putting because...why put that in your profile? If you were seeing someone, to what extent would you be okay with their associating with their ex? Totally OK in my case. What's more, I'd find it hard to trust a woman who says she feels no affection for her ex's and doesn't show she cares about them when something goes wrong in their lives. That's exactly what I'll get from them if we ever break up. That's exactly what I got last year, two weeks after my ex-g left me, when a close relative died. Nothing. A complete stranger. It's surprising for me when someone complains about her ex disappearing from his/her life entirely while at the same time they're requiring their current SO to stop communicating with their ex. Of course, if we're talking about a healthy friendship between two people who once loved each other, were intimate and shared so many experiences. If you don't like being erased from someone's life, why do you want your SO to erase a third person?
EveryWomanJ2911 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 In general when it comes to relationships, even among adults, break ups are not amicable...unless one person still wants to get back together. When people decide that a relationship is over, there is usually good reason behind that decision. And we as individuals start to distance ourselves from each other naturally after a breakup/divorce/ending of a relationship so that we can heal. We need time to heal in order to move forward, and eventually meet someone who will be a good potential match for us in the future. We can't really give our best to the right person though, if we are still stuck on the wrong one. We don't have the head space or the heart energy to do that effectively. There are people who would argue that they can stay friends with their ex-es, but generally they just keep each other on a string as a "back up" in case things don't work out with a current love interest. This is not fair emotionally/psychologically, nor is it healthy romantically to anyone involved. So, to your question as to what extent I would be okay with a current love interest being involved or in contact with their ex? I wouldn't be unless they were divorced and had to communicate for the children. As you already stated that as an example, I think we can agree that this is the most common scenario that people run in to when dating, and one person being accepting of a maintained relationship with their partner's ex. I'm not sure that many other healthy scenarios exist. ~Blessings and Peace Friend
RecentChange Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I have never had a desire to be “friends” with my ex’s. I agree, once we have been naked together, that “friend” boundary has been crossed, and I have no desire to return to “friends”. Also how long are you going to keep them a friend? Until you start dating someone else? Then what? Drop them because you have no more use for them – or keep them, and expect your new flame to accept that you hang out with someone you used to F’? Naw – make a clean break, move on with your life! I have one ex – my high school boyfriend (20 years ago) as a facebook friend, but we do not communicate directly. That’s it as far as “ex’s as friends” go. I have good female friend. She went out with this guy “john” for a good 10 years. During that time she was extremely overweight, in college / low wage job etc. I am not even sure what the falling out was – but they broke up and remained very good friends – I would say best friends. She lost a TON of weight, looks AMAZING now, total head turner. Has a great job – met a new guy and got married even. This whole time “John” has still been her best friend. I don’t know, I always found it very weird. I am surprised her now husband accepted that “john” (who has been basically single the whole time) hangs around. And I can’t help but think that John would really want the new improved her….. I guess it works for them, I always found it strange.
basil67 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I think the closeness of the friendship makes a difference. My husband's friend group (from when they were teens) has a few exes of various people. Hubby included. But there are no close friendships between any of the exes. They can all socialise easily at a party, but there are really solid boundaries too. 1
Frozensushi Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I would never remain friends with an Ex. There's no point other than trying to get back with them. I just need a clean break, it's over, they need to return back to the pool of strangers in my life. It makes detachment much easier. I did bump into an Ex I haven't seen in years, not too long ago, and it was nice catching up. She even friended me on FB. Many years have gone by so we are both super indifferent. That's as far as it will go though.
californiablonde Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I think basil touched on an important point. There is a difference between being social/polite and being actual friends. I can say that none of my past breakups were hideous but it is also fair to note that I have also never been married. Nevertheless, I have chosen not to remain in contact with any of them. This is not to say I have been rude or cold when I encountered them randomly in public. I just do not see the point. I don't believe there is anything truly to be gained in remaining friends with an ex unless there is a reason connecting you like kids, property, or other important matters. The relationship ended for whatever reason and there is no room left to grow. Time and distance give you these opportunities. Its hard to try and do this when they are still involved in your life and you can not clearly reflect on what has transpired. Plus it probably keeps you from moving on sooner than you would if they were not around regardless if you got dumped or did the dumping. It is impossible to go back and un-see there naked bodies. There is no "forget" button for the intimate moments shared nor is there any way to remove the feelings experienced in the relationship. I don't think we should erase people from our lives when we break up but they no longer have the relevancy they once held. So with that they get pushed aside until they are no longer in the picture at all.
whatnot Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 My ex of 7 years' parting words to me when she told me she wanted to date other men.... "Stay in touch!"
Sweetfish Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I recall on an OK Cupid profile, a woman who said she's been friends with her ex-husband since 2000 and will continue to do so as he's been her only confidante, and...if you have a problem with that, then find someone else Lmao!! This only negates one thing. Men need to get their crap together. If her ex is her only confidante then she needs to be with him... but she knows she can get her needs (fix) from him and tap off another man. I would never put my self so low to be with a woman who confides with her ex-husband more than me. Wow wtf this world is coming to? 1
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