adilaurentis Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I've been with someone for about 10 months and we get along very well and have fun with each other. However recently I've started to evaluate this relationship and feel like although I enjoy being with him, I don't necessarily feel emotionally safe with him, if there's such a thing. I admit that I'm not the most secure person in the world, but I feel like there are other deeply rooted reasons for this too that may have something to do with him. For example, when we first met, he gave me the impression that he's a playboy and just looking to sleep with all kinds of women. When we went out, his eyes were constantly wandering and looking to check out other women, etc. He would sometimes even jokingly ask for my opinion on some women in a bar or restaurant. Of course that's mostly not the case anymore. As I've gotten to know him better, I've noticed that he's actually a pretty down to earth, conventional person deep inside who's looking for an authentic connection with a woman whom he can bring home to his parents, etc. He constantly says that I'm the best person that has come to his life that I make him more positive, and I bring a light to his world and make him realize how wonderful life can be. He also says I'm very nurturing and always does all kinds of things for him that basically his mom is even happy that he's in "good hands." He loves talking about me with people around him. I genuinely believe him. So it seems like he's getting a lot out of this relationship, and I'm happy I can make a difference in someone's life. But I'm not really getting that "this is the best person that's happened to me" or that "my whole world is brighter because of him" feeling with him. I think he's a fun person to be around and he's been a wonderful source of companion that I get to have that "I have someone to hang out with" or "someone cares about me and checks on me everyday" feeling, but there's something missing for me. Maybe that initial impression I had of him is still at play that I don't feel necessarily emotionally safe, or maybe I don't know if this relationship is going anywhere, etc. For some of my friends, having that source of companion or someone to laugh with is perfectly fine for them that they feel happy. So I don't know if I'm being too picky here or maybe people just have different needs to be met. One time he said that I'm doing a lot for him and asked what he's doing for me, and I can't even come up with a solid answer to that. Any thoughts?
isolatedgothic Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 Please listen to your instinct on this one. The fact that he had the roving eye and your initial impression of him was that he was a player says so much. You were not emotionally attached to him yet, and your instincts were very clear. Now, after 10 months, my feeling is that you are more emotionally attached than you realize, especially if you have been sexually active with him. If he hasn't introduced you to family yet, that is a big sign of his feelings towards you. If you can, detach as much as possible. I think you are spot on with your observations and need to honor them as much as you possibly can. 3
Author adilaurentis Posted November 2, 2016 Author Posted November 2, 2016 Please listen to your instinct on this one. The fact that he had the roving eye and your initial impression of him was that he was a player says so much. You were not emotionally attached to him yet, and your instincts were very clear. Now, after 10 months, my feeling is that you are more emotionally attached than you realize, especially if you have been sexually active with him. If he hasn't introduced you to family yet, that is a big sign of his feelings towards you. If you can, detach as much as possible. I think you are spot on with your observations and need to honor them as much as you possibly can. I forgot to mention that he'd introduced me to his parents and they really like me. Now they consider me a part of his life and would ask about me whenever they talk to him. I'm also going to spend the holidays this year with his family and his parents are looking forward to having me.
elaine567 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 You have got very deeply entrenched in his life and it appears the relationship is getting pretty "serious". If you are honestly not really feeling that he is right for you, then you need to tell him very soon and split, as I can see that he and his parents may view you as "the one" and to just string him and them along, would be cruel. 3
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 10 months in and you are not in love. Do this poor man a favor and break it. You are leading him on and wasting his time. 1
IfonlyIknew Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I don't think its him, I don't think its you. It's all about compatibility. What does he bring to the table? (not $$) Does he help you in any way? It seems like you help him in small ways. Is there a big age gap between you two? Something sounds off but it may just be different emotional needs needing to be met. What do you need from him to get to that point of feeling "he brightens up your life"? Express your needs, some men are clueless.
Alamo657 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 Your not at a stage in life where you want to settle for a decent human being, and want to experience more possibilities. If you are young it means you lack experience, if you're above 30 it means you have a pathology related to chronic insatisfaction.
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 It isn't quite clear what needs he isn't meeting for you from your post but judging by your impression of what a player he was when you met him I sense you still have your protective walls up and haven't really taken the plunge to fully trust him and in turn love him as you should. I don't get the sense that you are not in love. I get the sense that you have not jumped off the proverbial ledge for this man yet because of how he was when you met him and that is what you are having difficulty putting a finger on to describe. It's understandable you haven't given yourself 100% into the experience and because you have been enjoying him on perhaps a more superficial level for fear of getting hurt, you haven't invested the energy to ask for your needs to be met.
mikeylo Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 Please listen to your instinct on this one. The fact that he had the roving eye and your initial impression of him was that he was a player says so much. You were not emotionally attached to him yet, and your instincts were very clear. Now, after 10 months, my feeling is that you are more emotionally attached than you realize, especially if you have been sexually active with him. If he hasn't introduced you to family yet, that is a big sign of his feelings towards you. If you can, detach as much as possible. I think you are spot on with your observations and need to honor them as much as you possibly can. ^^^ This. His roving/ wandering eye and 'joking' about other women, put your initial open heart on guard/ red alert. Even though he seems to ( or got better at hiding it or you gone used to it ? ) have gotten better,but his initial behavior has done its ugly damage. I don't agree with the covert joking. There is always ill intent behind it. Of course he is getting a complete package but yeah, he needs to give back same. I agree, move on. 2
NIGHT1985 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 You need to end things if you don't love him the way he does you, you're completely wasting his time by leading him on
olivetree Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 It sounds like you haven't fully trusted him from the start. It's pretty hard to fall in love with someone if you can't fully trust them. Your heart will always be on guard. Your partner should absolutely light up your life. Time to find one that does.
Author adilaurentis Posted November 2, 2016 Author Posted November 2, 2016 It isn't quite clear what needs he isn't meeting for you from your post but judging by your impression of what a player he was when you met him I sense you still have your protective walls up and haven't really taken the plunge to fully trust him and in turn love him as you should. I don't get the sense that you are not in love. I get the sense that you have not jumped off the proverbial ledge for this man yet because of how he was when you met him and that is what you are having difficulty putting a finger on to describe. It's understandable you haven't given yourself 100% into the experience and because you have been enjoying him on perhaps a more superficial level for fear of getting hurt, you haven't invested the energy to ask for your needs to be met. This sounds like a pretty accurate analysis of my position here. I think the initial impression of him has left me irreversible "damage" here that I can't seem to erase it. At one point I've brought up how his checking out other women at bars bothers me and seems disrespectful to me, and he apologized and said he's just looking as a male instinct but not really wanting to act on anything, and that he cherishes our deep emotional connection. And he's definitely gotten better about it since that discussion. I sometimes don't feel comfortable talking with him about problems I run into at work or with friends and I'd rather confide in someone I trust more. Whenever he finds out about it he's pretty hurt and upset. This probably has something to do with how I'm connecting with him only on a superficial level and not comfortable about asking to have my needs met too. The thing is, I know I'm kind of an insecure person but I've also dated people that I completed trusted. I remember guys I've been with in the past whom I knew wouldn't check out random women everywhere because I could confidently say that, "he's not that kind of person." Wish I could have that confidence back again.
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 Ok but here's the thing, other than what you saw in the initial stages of how he was has he given you any reason not to confide in him or seek advice from him when you have issues to discuss? Has he ever turned a vulnerability against you, has ever reeled you in to confide in him about something and then turn around and use that information to belittle you or to demean you in any way? Basically has ever given you any reason not to trust him and confide in him? Because not wanting to open up to him for fear of getting too close is no way to live for 10 months. At some point you have to make the leap. You do have two choices: you either take a leap of faith and trust that he has changed his way to show you respect and to listen to what you need, or you take a leap out of the relationship if you simply cannot bring yourself to trust him. If you do already come equip with your fair share of insecurities or trust issues then perhaps being with a guy that has wandering eyes, or that was a player in his past life might not be the best match for you in terms of your psychological health. That isn't to say he will be a player again or that he will cheat, just saying that if you can't bring yourself to trust him you will end up creating a self-fulfilling prophesy in terms of sabotaging the relationship. 1
Miss Peach Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 I recently got out of a LTR with a guy that I just got some uncomfortable feelings about bringing up certain topics or doing certain things even though he gave me no reason to have that feeling. So I started to try not walking on eggshells and be more authentic and open around him. He started showing insecurity and passive aggressive behavior. My gut was right. I don't know if there is or isn't a reason for this but my gut knew before my head knew. I don't know if this is the case in your situation but IME when men have brought up questions like whether women are attractive and such it was because they were into non-vanilla type stuff and it was an easy way to test those waters. The guys who have said/done things like that that I've run across had been into threesomes, swinging, etc. but they were afraid to scare off women. It's happened to me multiple times which is why I'm mentioning it.
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