tombtravel Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 So let me just start this off by saying that this is going to be really long but I need some assistance. I'm a girl confused about my live-in-boyfriend's porn problem, how more cliche can I get? I don't know what to do and thats why I decided to actually post something in forums for the first time in my life. I've been dating my significant other for about 5 or 6 months now (knowing each other for years before dating and moving in together) and things have been going pretty well other than a few, uh, issues I have. He's been totally watching porn excessively. It's not like I have a problem with him self full-filling himself or anything either (that'd be crazy), it's just the way he goes about it that drives me crazy. I know it shouldn't be any of my business but when you live with someone for as long as we've been its about impossible not to notice. Now, I dont have a problem with porn at all. I watch porn, everyone watches porn. What really gets to me is the amount of porn and the fact that he doesn't just watch "regular" porn but he uses chat websites which makes me way more uncomfortable than I would like. We have sex every day, he ALWAYS gets blow jobs before we have sex, we're always trying new things, etc. Everything a guy could ever dream, I do. I don't have a problem doing these things either, I love it just as much as he does and it helps that he loves me as much as I love him. It makes the sex special as well as amazing. So what hurts me is that I don't understand why he feels the need or urge to be using sex chatting websites and cam websites. We've talked about it and he understands my feelings about the whole thing and swears to change yet he continues as if nothing. I hate to feel like im nagging or being a prude or trying to control him but this really hurts and takes quite a dig at my self esteem even if it shouldnt. I feel inadequate at this point. I know he's trying to stop but that doesnt stop the burn in my chest and my non-stop anxiety about the whole situation. I just need some kind of help or advice, I don't want to end an otherwise good relationship over something as ridiculous as this. Should I be taking him with a grain of salt? Should I be learning how to cope with this addiction he has or try talking to him about it again?? I just dont know what to do anymore, but what I do know is that it really hurts and that's what I want to go away more than anything, the hurt. (I also want to try to figure this out before it gets worse and there's nothing either of us can do about it)
Alamo657 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 1) not everyone watches porn, or like it 2) this is not a trivial issue You voiced your concern and he didn't act on it, which means he doesn't see the problem for himself, and doesn't care if it affects you. Sexual bliss can lead you to believe that your relationship is great, but the way you feel miserable is proof that it is not on an emotional level. So you have to issue a serious ultimatum and maybe make him understand that any addiction is unhealthy, porn included. 7
Author tombtravel Posted November 2, 2016 Author Posted November 2, 2016 (edited) 1) not everyone watches porn, or like it 2) this is not a trivial issue You voiced your concern and he didn't act on it, which means he doesn't see the problem for himself, and doesn't care if it affects you. Sexual bliss can lead you to believe that your relationship is great, but the way you feel miserable is proof that it is not on an emotional level. So you have to issue a serious ultimatum and maybe make him understand that any addiction is unhealthy, porn included. Alright, fair. So how do I go about the ultimatum? I've always hated ultimatums so I've always avoided giving them out, I have no idea how to word it without sounding controlling. Edited November 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 (edited) So let me just start this off by saying that this is going to be really long but I need some assistance. I'm a girl confused about my live-in-boyfriend's porn problem, how more cliche can I get? I don't know what to do and thats why I decided to actually post something in forums for the first time in my life. I've been dating my significant other for about 5 or 6 months now (knowing each other for years before dating and moving in together) and things have been going pretty well other than a few, uh, issues I have. He's been totally watching porn excessively. It's not like I have a problem with him self full-filling himself or anything either (that'd be crazy), it's just the way he goes about it that drives me crazy. I know it shouldn't be any of my business but when you live with someone for as long as we've been its about impossible not to notice. Now, I dont have a problem with porn at all. I watch porn, everyone watches porn. What really gets to me is the amount of porn and the fact that he doesn't just watch "regular" porn but he uses chat websites which makes me way more uncomfortable than I would like. We have sex every day, he ALWAYS gets blow jobs before we have sex, we're always trying new things, etc. Everything a guy could ever dream, I do. I don't have a problem doing these things either, I love it just as much as he does and it helps that he loves me as much as I love him. It makes the sex special as well as amazing. So what hurts me is that I don't understand why he feels the need or urge to be using sex chatting websites and cam websites. We've talked about it and he understands my feelings about the whole thing and swears to change yet he continues as if nothing. I hate to feel like im nagging or being a prude or trying to control him but this really hurts and takes quite a dig at my self esteem even if it shouldnt. I feel inadequate at this point. I know he's trying to stop but that doesnt stop the burn in my chest and my non-stop anxiety about the whole situation. You realize these two points contradict each other, yes? No, you should not be trying to "cope" with an addiction. Watching porn is one thing; what he is doing takes it to another level he knows you're not comfortable with. This obviously makes you feel bad, and understandably so. I am assuming he pays to use these chat and cam sites, correct? He doesn't seem to think this is harmful to your relationship, and even though he knows you are hurting, he continues. You are confusing being controlling with having a firm boundary. You two haven't been a couple very long, and you might be discovering that this ultimately isn't a good match. You say you don't want to ruin this great relationship, but OP, what exactly is he doing to preserve it? I would not be okay with live chats and cam sessions with other women. Period. If that continued, I would be gone. Edited November 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote formatting ~6 2
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 What really gets to me is the amount of porn and the fact that he doesn't just watch "regular" porn but he uses chat websites which makes me way more uncomfortable than I would like. That is not porn. That's cheating. Watching porn is about entertainment in from of a movie. You watch a horror movie you get scared, you watch a porn you get aroused. End of it. Chat video is about interacting with another woman on the other end. THAT is the same as cheating. No difference than if he did that on his text or skype or whatsapp. After only 6 months in I say you dump this mistake and move on. 17
IfonlyIknew Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I agree there is a huge difference in watching porn and watching live women on video chat! That makes it more personal one on one opposed to watching a pre recorded film for others to see, I wouldn't put up with that crap 3
elaine567 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 Live cam is in effect "paying for sex". This is no longer about anonymous images, videos, fantasy and titillation, this takes it to another level. He has crossed the boundary in to paying a specific woman for sex, and I guess it will not be long before his "addiction" will take him down other more "exciting" avenues. He seems to think it is your problem, and changes nothing. He is not going to change and you will be back plus two small children in tow, moaning about him visiting massage parlours and escorts and how he never wants to have sex with you. He is on a slippery slope. He is just not real relationship material, I am sorry to say. 4
olivetree Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I get the feeling you want to be the cool, relaxed gf that doesn't make a big deal over nothing. But remember that you are entitled to your feelings, no matter how trivial. As a therapist once said to me, "If you don't like the way someone leaves the cap off the toothpaste, that is up to you." For what it's worth though, this isn't trivial. Two problems here: He is basically cheating, as others have said.He is disregarding your feelings by continuing this behaviour. Both are deal-breakers, especially this soon into a relationship. 4
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 That is not porn. That's cheating. Watching porn is about entertainment in from of a movie. You watch a horror movie you get scared, you watch a porn you get aroused. End of it. Chat video is about interacting with another woman on the other end. THAT is the same as cheating. No difference than if he did that on his text or skype or whatsapp. After only 6 months in I say you dump this mistake and move on. I agree with the above 100%. listen, you already explained to him how you feel about his behavior, he promised to change, he didn't change which means he is a big fat liar with a problem. IMO this is not your problem to fix, this is a dealbreaker. If I were in your shoe I wouldn't give him a chance to change, I would have dumped him on the spot. That kind of guy is no different that a guy that uses prostitutes.....he is disgusting. 4
rester Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I agree with the others that porn is one thing, but cam girls and sex chat are a big step beyond that and even as a man I consider that cheating. I'll even admit that I've done sex chat although it wasn't a paid thing and it was definitely not while I was in a relationship. 2
SammySammy Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 It's still fantasy. Sure, it's interactive, but it's not like he's actually having intercourse with these women. I've had women watch and chat with me many times. (One used to masturbate while she watched me GET dressed. Morning grooming routine, into my suit and tie, and out the door. Strange situation, but that's a story for another day.) I don't know if they had SO's or not, but I don't consider anything that happened in chat to be even close to "cheating". I don't know them and didn't have anything to do with them beyond a few minutes on video and a few keystrokes. The standard most women claim to have for porn is it's not a problem if it doesn't interfere with their sex life. By her own admission, this guy has sex with this woman every day - oral sex and intercourse. Is open-minded and willing to try new things. Apparently, his porn use is not interfering with their sex life and shouldn't be a problem. The real problem here - and most women's real problem with porn - is her insecurity. Not understanding male sexuality and turning her personal insecurity into his "addiction". This guy sounds a lot like me. Can get off to external stimulation and still take care of business at home. Every day. Sounds like the addiction is obsessive misplaced fear and worry. It's unfair to try to make what goes on in her mind his problem. If he tried to meet someone in person, or he couldn't/wouldn't perform sexually at home, then we could say this is a legitimate problem. Until then, the problem is that she feels bad about it. We can debate whether he should change to alleviate her problem, but it doesn't mean he has a problem because she has a problem. 1
kendahke Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 (edited) Alright, fair. So how do I go about the ultimatum? I've always hated ultimatums so I've always avoided giving them out, I have no idea how to word it without sounding controlling. Do not issue any ultimatum that you have no intention on backing up with action. When he calls you out on it and your actions do not back up your words, you will have dealt your credibility a fatal blow. You'll be telling him "I may tantrum and cry, but I'm not going anywhere because it's not enough for me to let this go". Edited November 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
joseb Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 @midnightdtreams would you do that if you were living with a partner though? To me, if not exactly cheating it's at least pretty disrespectful. 5
loverboy69 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 If you guys were just sex friends live chat isn't a big deal. But if you guys are a couple I think using sex chat is a bit disrespectful. Side question: Is your BF currently a methamphetamine user? Guys on meth can be horny all the time and watch porn excessively.
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 It's still fantasy. Sure, it's interactive, but it's not like he's actually having intercourse with these women. I've had women watch and chat with me many times. (One used to masturbate while she watched me GET dressed. Morning grooming routine, into my suit and tie, and out the door. Strange situation, but that's a story for another day.) I don't know if they had SO's or not, but I don't consider anything that happened in chat to be even close to "cheating". I don't know them and didn't have anything to do with them beyond a few minutes on video and a few keystrokes. . I'd like to see your wife's face when you try to sell her that one. 6
pteromom Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 Grab your phone or laptop. Find a GUY sex cam site. Start chatting and giggling with some hot dude. See if he gets it now. 2
basil67 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 (edited) Alright, fair. So how do I go about the ultimatum? I've always hated ultimatums so I've always avoided giving them out, I have no idea how to word it without sounding controlling. OK, being controlling is telling people how to live their lives. But what you need to do is tell him what you can and cannot accept in your life. It's about your personal boundaries and what you want for yourself. Yes, it's a fine line. And he may think you're controlling. But no matter what he says, this is about you and your expectations for yourself. It's perfectly reasonable for you to not accept a man who is addicted to getting off on webcams. Edited November 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
Herbalist Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 Cheating or betrayal is whatever a couple decides it is. It will be different for different couples. If two people have different ideas about what they find acceptable and what makes them feel hurt and betrayed, then they are just not compatible. It sounds like OP and her boyfriend are not compatible, so I would advise breaking things off with him and moving on. Even here in this thread you can see examples of guys who feel it is disrespectful and guys who feel it is no big deal. So don't fret that you will never find a guy who has the same boundaries as you, they exist. 3
SammySammy Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 @midnightdtreams would you do that if you were living with a partner though? To me, if not exactly cheating it's at least pretty disrespectful. Depends on the woman. That's my point. Some would be offended. Some wouldn't. Same behavior. The difference is how they choose to respond. What meaning they attach to it. Now, I'll admit I was single when I was camming and most women would probably be offended. However, my next relationship with was a woman who was not threatened by a woman in the same room with her, much less one on live or recorded video.
SammySammy Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I'd like to see your wife's face when you try to sell her that one. Oh, you underestimate me so .... Selling is what I do. Talk sh*t and swallow spit all day long. That's what I do.
MomLeslieM Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 There is SO much I could say about your post TombTravel but I will refrain....what is important is that you say you 2 are communicating about this and he understands your feelings. OK...but he's not doing anything different so even if he understands your feelings, does he respect and care about them? I realize this sounds harsh but it is something you need to think about. You are 6 months into a relationship - in the grand scheme of things that's not really a long time but if you're having problems now with communication and respecting each other's feelings and trying to make things better you need to work on things if you want to continue the relationship. You have decided what you can and can't put up with - you need to let him know that and see where things go from there.
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