coolrunnings87 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 Hello everyone, I (28 M) first met my long-time girlfriend (29 F) in the Summer of 2013. We were living in the same town for just that summer and fell for each other pretty quickly. We were (and she still is) in PhD programs about 1,000 miles apart, but would visit each other 1-2x a month and spend our vacations together. Our relationship had been in a good place (we both have agreed on that). We both loved and cared for one another (and still do) and would both talk about our future life together following our programs with excitement. Of course, like any relationship, things were not perfect. Her mother became ill within six months of us dating and passed away a year and a half later. That led to her being depressed and, for me, a lot of pressure to look after her. As for me, I was earning my PhD within a few miles of home, and so I decided to live with my parents to have a bit of money when graduating (I was also close to my family emotionally). She did not get along with my parents, and so that added stress to our relationship (I would be the one travelling to compensate). In hindsight, I should have moved out, but it is something you only realize in retrospect. Nevertheless, we were both excited for where things were going. She was getting over the passing of her mother; we just had a fabulous trip to Europe together; she had just received a fellowship that would let her work from anywhere the next year; and I just won a research grant to lead my own independent project in a country we both wanted to live in together. We would live together this summer while I finished my dissertation and then move abroad for the next year to live together and, ultimately, get married. It was something we talked about and both wanted. Right before we lived together this summer, however, she visited me at my parent's home. My mother truly upset her with something she said, and not being there when it happened (and them being my parents), I did not come to her defense. Instead, I tried to find some middle ground since they were both important parts of my life. She told me then that we could no longer be in a relationship if I did not promise that, when we came back to the US after our 9 months abroad, we would not live within driving distance (a few hours) of my parents. Having lived my whole life in this one city, having a small family (just parents and siblings) all here as well, and all of my work related connections also here, it was a monumental decision. I also had a very specific (and closing) deadline to finish my thesis. I needed space and time to think, but would have neither as I devoted 70-80 hours/week to work and we lived together for the first time in 3 years. I told her that I would think about it, and try to have a decision by August. The summer overall went well. We got along well on a day to day basis. But this decision was looming over both of our heads and was eating both of us alive. When August came, I told her that I still did not know, and so we broke it off. It was a somewhat mutual decision, but probably hers more so than mine. I just knew I needed a bit of time to think about what I wanted in life. Fast forward to last month, and after a period of "no contact" to make a decision objectively, I realized how wrong I was to not take her side that day and, ultimately, how much I wanted a life with her. I took the time to talk to my mother (she apologized to her on my behalf) and laid out that I was committed to a life with her. I told her this in mid-October via e-mail and talked about it on the phone 2 weeks ago. How I'd like for us to talk again and, if we felt comfortable, visit each other and, if that went well, the rest could fall into place. That I could suspend my grant, even, as it is very flexible, and we could relocate to where she is in the short-term. She told me what I said was "perfect" and how she wished I said it in August, but as of now she did not know. She did not know if things could ever be fixed. As she talked, other things also came up, and it felt as though what I did no longer seemed sufficient. She began to question whether or not we were happy and compatible. I suppose I know perspectives evolve over time and, most likely, if you break up with someone, the negative thoughts will naturally surface (otherwise, how on earth do you get over someone). Nevertheless, it did not make what she said any easier to take. She still said that she would like to talk to me, however, and know how I am doing. We talked again yesterday, and she was again hesitant. After much hesitation, however, she told me that we could do a lunch date online together. At the same time, she told me that I should be aware that a couple of men have asked her out and she might take them up on that offer. That she knows what she'll get with me, and perhaps she can find someone who can offer her certain things (specifically, a family) that I cannot, even if they have their drawbacks. This perhaps left me more confused about what I was doing. Hence, I am curious if others have any input. Is this still worth pursuing? Opening up to her has made me feel vulnerable and can make my heart ache. She is a special person, but perhaps it is time to let her go. My reaction is to be outgoing and push for us given that she was the one who traditionally did that (whereas I was very passive), but I also know that can come across as needy. At the same time, she has told me she loves me and does not think that I can visit for the main reason that she will fall back in love with me, which scares her. The goal posts for this situation seem to be constantly shifting, which is making me think that I am going down a path that cannot be fixed. Thanks ahead of time for any input you may have!
EveryWomanJ2911 Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 It sounds like there is a lot to consider here. A lot has happened with both of you over the time you have been together in your relationship, work/careers, and family life. There are many things that this relationship has offered to both of you-security, trust, and a future. However, there are many compromises that have taken place as well-family disputes, potential personal career changes, one sided ultimatums. I guess what you really need to think about here is what is most important to you. Is it your career? Your family? Your future plans? With or without this woman you need to know what you are striving for in life. And, does this person want to join their values and goals in life with yours? Some people struggle to decide what they most value and end up losing out in various areas of life, simply because they take a passive approach. Please don't fall into that trap. Decide what is most important to you and go from there. Do you want to have a career, then get married and have a family near your family? Do you want to travel the world? Do you want to be with a person because they are a good match, or simply because they are comfortable to you? Consider the fact that marriage takes a lot of work and adjustment to melding your life with another person. Its NOT easy, and it will take a lot of talking, more talking, and then adjusting what you talked about. And you aren't just marrying one person, you're marrying their family, as they are yours. In marriage you both have to make your relationship a priority, and you both have to learn to love your in-laws. Its not enough to simply co-exist seperately for a length of time. You must merge your lives together and agree to stick it out, even when things happen that are upsetting. Is this woman willing to work things out with you AND your family? She should think about that...because they are apart of your life. Take some time to really ask yourself what you must have and what you can't stand as you decide if this woman is marriage material for you. Sometimes we meet good people, but they want a different life than we can give them. Sometimes we meet good people and they do want the life we are capable of...so consider it from all angles. A piece of advice though-If she has to give you an ultimatum to know that you will protect her in a marriage together...is that healthy for anyone involved? She should know that you value her first, and she should not cut out your family members when there is a disagreement. Good conflict resoltion skills are needed for a successful marriage, all around. ~Prayers and Blessings Friend!
Recommended Posts