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Sexual Aversion affecting my marriage

miss_sparrow

By miss_sparrow
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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miss_sparrow New Member

miss_sparrow

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Hi!

 

I'm 26, I've been with my husband for about 7 years now. We have 2 boys, ages 6 and 3.

 

In the beginning of our relationship, I was usually the one who wanted sex all the time. I've always had a really active sex drive.

 

Sometime over the last year or so, my drive has dropped to -nilch-. I don't just don't want sex, I get serious anxiety when my husband starts going for it. I have cried during sex because I feel so panicky and trapped. There's no reason for me to be feeling like this. I can't even pinpoint when it really started.

 

I have actively avoided sex for a while, but it's really starting to take it's toll on my marriage. My husband usually wakes me up during the night or early in the morning by touching me down there to try to get me in the mood, and when I get irritated and tell him to stop he gets angry or pouty. I don't really blame him, I've been rejecting him so much he is taking it personally. I've tried explaining to him that this is a -me- issue and I need help working through this but he doesn't understand. He feels that I just don't love him anymore.

 

Have any of you gone through something like this? I'm not pregnant, not nursing, I don't know what is going on. But I do know if something doesn't change, I'm going to lose my marriage.

 

Help :(

Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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Was the transition from wanting sex all the time to not at all a gradual one... or was it abrupt? Either way, can you pinpoint any changes that were happening in your life or your mindset around that transition time?

 

I'm also curious whether you feel sexual urges at ALL anymore. For example, do you ever feel attracted to anyone other than your husband, even if it's just like a hot guy passing you on the street? Do you feel aroused at sex scenes in movies - do you ever watch porn? Do you masturbate?

 

Regardless of any of your answers, I don't believe you're going to get at the root of this problem on a message board. This is an issue that will likely require therapy - probably on your own at first, and maybe ultimately involving your husband. Is that something you're open to?

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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In order for us to help you, you have to be completely open and honest.

 

Have you had any -

 

- medical issues? ie any changes in your cycles, general health, medications etc etc?

 

- relationship issues (other than this issue) any nasty fights, incidents of critical neglect, abuse, alcohol/drug abuse, infidelity etc

 

- outside sources of sex/romance? Ie affairs, ONSs, porn etc on either your part or your H's part?

 

- changes in your husbands sexual attractiveness as a man? ie weight gain, unemployment/underemployment, hair loss, erectile dysfunction, gotten lazy/video games/self indulgent, gotten into porn etc etc?

 

What happened a year ago?

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miss_sparrow New Member

miss_sparrow

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To Standard-Fare:

Gradual enough for me to not really notice when exactly it happened, or started happening. I guess it kind of happened with me just not being in the mood and it progressed to where now I actively avoid sex and get panicky anxiety around it.

 

I do still have urges. I check guys out and masturbate. Not a ton but I'm definitely more comfortable masturbating than having actual sex.

 

I agree that I need to get some therapy.. I'm going to try for that, but it's hard. I'm on state insurance and most therapists won't take it, especially for something like sex therapy. I'm trying though.

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miss_sparrow New Member

miss_sparrow

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To OldShirt:

 

No medical issues.

 

Relationship issues? Less than ever, other than this. Our relationship got off to a really rocky start, and there were lots of times I didn't think we'd make it. But now we're settled in, we're a picture perfect little family. The only thing remotely close to abuse would be times when he's had sex with me when I was sleeping, or when he's tried to go in the wrong way, if you know what I mean, even though he knows that hurts me. But those things have happened when drunk, and it's not like intentional abuse. Plus that's been since the aversion had already started so I think me rejecting him made him frustrated and led into him losing control. Definitely didn't help my anxiety though.

 

No outside sources of sex on either part.

 

No change in his appearance or anything. He's an attractive guy, I love him, I love looking at him. I love to hug and kiss and be held, it's just that when it starts going further than that I panic.

Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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It does seem that your problem does have something directly to do with your husband and the way you feel about him, even if you're not able to pinpoint that in any obvious way.

 

By the way, it's not the least bit ok that your husband has tried to have sex with you while you're sleeping or tried for anal against your will. It doesn't matter what level of drunkenness was involved.

 

It's probably worth your time to look more deeply at behaviors like that and see how they play into your general anxiety about sex. They might not be "to blame," but they could be indicating a sexual power dynamic that is very skewed.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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What you've described would really bother me too. I can imagine that I would have some trust issues with my partner and it would be easy to develop some anxiety about sex. It's never ok for someone to have sex with you while your sleeping and it's not cool to go for anal without consent. It doesn't matter if you were drunk. Something doesn't seem right with your relationship.

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darkmoon Established Member

darkmoon

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blaming or shaming the husband is not going to help this marriage, the last two comments sound bitter

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Methodical Established Member

Methodical

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Did you deal with any postpartum issues? Any post-baby body/appearance issues?

 

Children are time-consuming. Often, we neglect our needs and sleep in order to take care of them. Add to that: work, household chores, meals, etc., and pretty soon we are operating in robot mode.

 

Tell us more about your daily routine. Little nuances sometimes play key roles in our lives and it isn't apparent until we begin dissecting things piece by piece. Maybe elaborating and getting outsiders' perspectives will reveal a trigger.

 

You have already taken a huge leap by admitting there is an issue.

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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do you have any sexual abuse in your past?

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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A FWIW, I think trying to have sex with you while sleeping or trying to have nonconsensual anal sex with you is abusive and is at the very least contributing to your loss of attraction and desire for your husband currently even if it was not the initial cause.

 

I do think that the two of you should seek professional therapy ASAP and the attempted sex while sleeping and the anal sex should be brought up within the first 5 minutes of the initial session.

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oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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A big part of the sexual response in women is comfort and security.

 

The fact that you had serious relationship issues in the past, coupled with the sleep and anal incidents, it would be likely that you have some serious and legitimate comfort and security issues.

 

If you are afraid of getting butt-raped in your sleep, you might as well be in prison. At least there they aren't already in bed with you and you can lift weights and workout 8 hours a day to get strong enough to fight off your attacker.

summerdowling87 Established Member

summerdowling87

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help this marriage, the last two comments sound bitter

 

So If someone tried to have sex with you while you were sleeping and they tried to put it when if hurt you'd be okay with that?

 

Married or not doing such a thing isn't okay.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

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Help :(

 

Does this anxiety manifest in any other ways? Leaving the house? Regarding the children?

 

I do still have urges. I check guys out and masturbate. Not a ton but I'm definitely more comfortable masturbating than having actual sex.

 

Would you be comfortable maturbating in front of your husband?

 

Have a hard time understanding how either of you could have let this continue unaddressed for a year :( ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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BettyDraper Established Member

BettyDraper

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A FWIW, I think trying to have sex with you while sleeping or trying to have nonconsensual anal sex with you is abusive and is at the very least contributing to your loss of attraction and desire for your husband currently even if it was not the initial cause.

 

I do think that the two of you should seek professional therapy ASAP and the attempted sex while sleeping and the anal sex should be brought up within the first 5 minutes of the initial session.

 

This. It's not surprising that you feel scared during sex.

You are likely traumatized by your husband's abusive behavior.

 

Have you ever spoken to him about how his actions made you feel? If so, what was his response?

Oldshirt is absolutely right that a woman needs to feel safe and secure in order to truly enjoy making love.

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DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

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This. It's not surprising that you feel scared during sex.

You are likely traumatized by your husband's abusive behavior.

 

Have you ever spoken to him about how his actions made you feel? If so, what was his response?

Oldshirt is absolutely right that a woman needs to feel safe and secure in order to truly enjoy making love.

 

So I guess the fact that she said it was already a problem before those things happened means nothing. This isn't helpful to her problem. Had her problem started after those things happened then you two would be on to something

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oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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So I guess the fact that she said it was already a problem before those things happened means nothing. This isn't helpful to her problem. Had her problem started after those things happened then you two would be on to something

 

I have to respectfully disagree.

 

Even if it wasn't the initial cause, it is still a contributing factor now.

 

If you with some chick who was trying to shove stuff up your butt while you sleep, how long would you have the warm cuddlies for her?

 

regardless of what the initial cause was that started this off, it is exacerbating it now and making it much worse.

standtall Established Member

standtall

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Either way OP, if you don't try to fix this soon, i will guarantee your marriage will be over soon.

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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blaming or shaming the husband is not going to help this marriage, the last two comments sound bitter

 

Not bitter, just honest. This would really bother me and cause me to lose trust in my partner. This doesn't just happen for no reason. It's possible that there are trust issues, particularly if there have been other relationship issues which has been alluded to by OP.

 

I would always wonder if this anxiety affects other aspects of OP life. If the answer is, then something is definitely going on with the relationship.

 

Good luck to you OP - I hope you find the reason for the anxiety.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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I think you are just bored with sex with your husband. It happens. You have been married since you were 20 which is very young. You now have 2 kids and didn't really get to live out your youth before settling down to be a wife and mother. You're just bored with the same partner.

BettyDraper Established Member

BettyDraper

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So I guess the fact that she said it was already a problem before those things happened means nothing. This isn't helpful to her problem. Had her problem started after those things happened then you two would be on to something

 

You do not get to decide which advice is helpful to someone else when they share their issues on an open forum. Any advice that you don't agree with is not automatically wrong. :laugh:

 

There is nothing healthy about having sex with a partner who cannot consent or trying sex acts on them that they did not agree to beforehand.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Sex without consent is seen as rape, sleeping sex and unconsented anal sex is rape in a court of law, and the husband seems to be crossing big lines here.

I get serious anxiety when my husband starts going for it. I have cried during sex because I feel so panicky and trapped.
I think those incidents you describe, traumatised you. You may have rationalised it and intellectualised it,

"He is my husband, he was drunk, he didn't really mean it in a nasty way, of course he didn't rape me, that's nonsense...",

 

BUT when you get into a sexual situation where you are no longer in control, you lose it, as it triggers you at a visceral level.

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DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

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You do not get to decide which advice is helpful to someone else when they share their issues on an open forum. Any advice that you don't agree with is not automatically wrong. :laugh:

 

There is nothing healthy about having sex with a partner who cannot consent or trying sex acts on them that they did not agree to beforehand.

 

I don't disagree, but as she said these things happened after the issue started. So how did they contribute to the issue?

anika99 Established Member

anika99

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I'm not defending the husbands actions but the OP clearly stated that her aversion to sex started before her husband did those things and yet everyone is jumping on the bandwagon to blame the husband. How can that be when the OP already had the problem before those incidents happened?

 

OP I think you should seek counselling. Perhaps there is some past trauma in your life that you have blocked but it's now catching up to you. Perhaps there have been problems in your marriage that have affected you but you have shoved it under a carpet and now the problems are manifesting in your sex life. What your husband did is definitely not ok. He may not have caused the problem but that behaviour is certainly going to make the problem worse. I can only recommend counselling for both of you.

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Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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I do think maybe people here are overblowing the incidents the OP described with sleeping/anal.

 

Not trying to defend the husband's actions there, it's NOT okay, but I get the sense of drunken frustrated fumblings that get quickly shot down and retracted — as opposed to straight-up attempted rape. Also, let's emphasize that those incidents happened both within the framework of a long-term marriage (where presumably some sexual boundaries have already been tested) and AFTER the OP's sexual aversion started.

 

Regardless of all that, I just don't think anyone on a message board is going to get at the root of this complex issue, OP. It could involve things going as far back as your childhood. It could be completely buried, subconscious feelings you have toward your husband, or the way you feel about being a mother. Etc. etc. A therapist, while maybe difficult to arrange, is going to be essential here.

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