Dating for 4 months

[ClintWesthood]

Hi all,

 

I'm new to this site, but I've seen some good advice here from time to time and need some help.

 

I've dated this girl for 4 months and known her for a little longer now. I really care about her alot. I drive to her house all the time to hang out and bring her back to my place to hang out sometimes too (no sex) since she doesn't know how to drive. We've already meet each other's families. I'm currently teaching her how to drive since she recently got her driver's permit (I drove her to the SOS to get her permit). Whenever we go out, I'll ask her where she wants to go eat and pay for everything since she doesn't have a job yet. She just graduated college in May.

 

I continually try to get her to be a better person, for example, I'll send her some job postings while I'm at work sometimes and text her just to motivate her. I know she's really worried about her job future since she has student loans she has to pay for soon. I believe she's starting to give up a little on finding a job since she hasn't had much luck. We still manage to go out sometimes so she's not stuck at home all the time thinking about her current job situation, but I'll usually have to pay for all the activities.

 

Getting onto my question though, is that I've been really patient with her and really caring. About 2 months in, I tried to initiate sex, but it seems like she has some form of restless genital syndrome. Basically, whenever she gets off, it'll continue a bit until she showers. I've asked her if she's ever masturbated and she said no. The first time she got off was during a stressful week in school and she found out about it while sleeping. I tried to explain to her what restless genital syndrome was, but she seemed embarrassed by it and didn't want to listen. She said she'd have to go to a doctor before we could have sex, which means she needs to find a job first to have medical insurance for that.

 

Sometimes we'll kiss a lot and sometimes she'll make excuses for not wanting to kiss, like her stomach feeling bad or biting the inside of her mouth. I have to always initiate the heavy kissing or anything sexual. Sometimes things get a little heavier and we'll have dry sex with clothes on (rarely). She'll get off sometimes and won't experience restless genital syndrome from the dry sex too. The farthest she went with me was trying to give me a handjob with her eyes closed. I couldn't get off since she didn't seem to want to try very much. She has since stopped altogether since she doesn't want me to use that as the excuse to touch her down there too. As I've stated I've never touched her down there even though I would like to and of the times I've tried she told me to stop, so I did. I've tried talking to her about this and she said she's shy and that she won't go all the way with me until she sees a doctor.

 

However, I'm not even talking about going all the way. I would be fine with some touching here or there or maybe even going down. The thing is she won't let us escalate it a little or meet me in the middle. A physical connection is as important to me as an emotional one in an adult relationship. I feel like I'm putting in so much work only to be met with constant rejection from even kissing sometimes. I don't know if it's me doing something wrong or that she's not attracted to me anymore. She still tells me she loves me though, so I'm not sure. I'm just mentally broken down by all this. I don't know what to do. I feel like an ass for wanting some physical intimacy from her.

[Herbalist]

There are multiple possibilities about what could be going on. Could be anything from her being very inexperienced and a bit repressed, to her having a history of sexual abuse that makes her feel repulsed by physical intimacy, or she could simply not be attracted to you. And so on. I really doubt she has persistent sexual arousal syndrome if she has no history of masturbating, but closing her eyes when your penis is out, pulling away from kissing and needing to shower after being sexual all strongly hint at a repulsion to the physical intimacy.

 

She may also be a little bit under-developed psycho-socially if she is past her college years by now yet still has never learned to drive or had a job. Some dysfunctional families will either parentify or infantilize their offspring (or flip back and forth). Parentified offspring can struggle because they have too much heaped onto their shoulders before they are anywhere near ready. Infantilized offspring can struggle to come into adulthood because their parents do not provide the normal guidance and encouragement for that process to happen, but will instead discourage increasing independence in various ways. So then the person might become overwhelmed accordingly when suddenly trying to "adult" like everyone else their age.

 

Whatever the case might be it is not your place to try to fix or change or whatever her. You give the impression that you are hoping if you put enough nice coins in the vending machine, then sex will fall out. That is now how it actually works. Don't do everything for this girl and throw money at her hoping that she will be sexual with you, or you will just possibly damage her further while also feeling increasingly frustrated yourself. Either accept the relationship the way it is or acknowledge that it's not what you want and move on.