Lolagirlxo Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 (edited) My boyfriend dated a girl about a year ago, for only a month. Their relationship was short and she broke up with him. I have been with him 9 months, and our relationship is fairly good. But, something has been getting in the way of our relationship. I AM OBSESSED WITH HER. She is GORGEOUS, she looks like a freaking supermodel. I am very confident of my looks but next to her I feel like nothing. I am insecure, she seems to exude confidence. I am quiet and shy, she is the life of the social circle. She is hilarious and super intelligent. My boyfriend and her have SO much in common! He is also confident, funny, and extremely social. When she comes around, I am filled with anxiety. I get extremely antisocial which sucks because her and my boyfriend are very talkative so naturally they gravitate toward conversing with each other, and I feel stupid. I over analyze even a look my boyfriend gives her and think, "he is secretly in love with her, he would leave me for her." They are not friends, but lately she's been hanging out with our group of friends, and she's actually really nice. She seems to try and include me and him and not make either of us uncomfortable. They never even exchanged words after their breakup, but recently they've been communicating within the group. He basically just acknowledges what she says, laughs at her jokes, and sometimes makes small talk. But I see everything as a nothing "hint" that he's in love with her. I've brought this up many times and every time he says I have nothing to worry about: they aren't compatible, if he wanted her back he wouldn't bring me in our social groups every single time, he wouldn't be with me, he'd be trying to get back with her. He says he's not even friends with her, that he would be interested in being friends but he's with me so he understands it's not something I'd be comfortable with and he's fine with that. He had a gathering at his house and she wanted to come, but he called and asked me beforehand and was perfectly fine when I said no. There are absolutely no "clues" that he likes her, besides to me that maybe he looks at her a little too often or laughs too much at her jokes and gave her a hug because she was crying. I think I'm just obsessed with her and have no idea why he WOULDN'T like her, but he says she's not actually perfect like I think and I don't know her like he does. How can I stop this obsession? Edited November 1, 2016 by Lolagirlxo
Herbalist Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 I don't mean this in a rude way or anything just an honest way. But it almost sounds like you are the one who is subconsciously attracted to her? I mean it's just that attraction is largely subjective and I bet if I looked at your boyfriend I wouldn't think he was attractive at all since I have very particular tastes and you'd probably disagree with me vehemently I'm guessing. That is just how it is, though, subjective. So really you are the one who seems to think this other gal is all that and a bag of chips.
basil67 Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 (edited) It can get tricky when an ex is involved in the social group. My hubby and his mates were very incestuous within their social group, so there is at least one ex for pretty much everyone in that lot. Most of us have been fine with it, but at least one girl has been completely wigged out by it. Your boyfriend sounds like he's being completely respectful of you and the relationship. And it sounds like she's being inclusive of you. I'm not sure what else he could do to make you more comfortable. It would be unreasonable for him to dump his friend group because an ex is part of it. And it would be unreasonable for his friends to dump her because she dated one of them. I don't know how you can get over it, but I would strongly advise you to stop bringing this up with him or it will drive him away. This is one of your own demons to work through - keep it to yourself. Possibly talk with a counsellor or psychologist to learn a different way of thinking Do you ever have problems with other obsessive thoughts? (Edited to add: I just saw your other post. Yep, you are driving him away with your behaviour) Edited November 1, 2016 by basil67 3
Gloria25 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I gotta question... Who dumped "who"? Your bf or his ex? And, please don't say that it was mutual. Your honest response to my question will help me figure out what may be going on here.
mikeylo Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 They both are keeping their rendezvous continued, right under your nose. Your bf is the one who is getting best of both the worlds. Dump him and let him get his itch scratched by the ex. He wants both of you and is being more than disrespectful towards you. It has nothing to do with you. This guy is a poor quality azz. 2
Gloria25 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 They both are keeping their rendezvous continued, right under your nose. Your bf is the one who is getting best of both the worlds. Dump him and let him get his itch scratched by the ex. He wants both of you and is being more than disrespectful towards you. It has nothing to do with you. This guy is a poor quality azz. I know, like he's just getting off on having two women - who are/were interested in him - in the same room...whooopdy dooo!!! Was catching bits and pieces of a Forensic Files - where this vile mistress kidnapped and killed this sorry piece of poop dude's wife. And, even behind bars he was so excited to talk about both women fighting over him. Crowned king of bouchedags if you ask me.
VeveCakes Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I gotta question... Who dumped "who"? Your bf or his ex? And, please don't say that it was mutual. Your honest response to my question will help me figure out what may be going on here. its in the OP, they dated a month and she dumped him. I disagree with everyone. OP I know how it is. Its hard to find out who your bfs exs are especially when they are stunning. He is telling you not to worry, his actions would mirror that. I would believe him and try to shove your anxieties aside unless you see something that makes you think otherwise. 5
darkmoon Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 he hugged her when she cried? sht, she must know other ppl to turn to in the group it would upset me to see that hug, never mind her being nice to you, tell her to stop using your boyf, and be firm if your boyf objects - then end it, if he does not mind - you win you sound too timid for your own good
Gloria25 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 its in the OP, they dated a month and she dumped him. I disagree with everyone. OP I know how it is. Its hard to find out who your bfs exs are especially when they are stunning. He is telling you not to worry, his actions would mirror that. I would believe him and try to shove your anxieties aside unless you see something that makes you think otherwise. Oh, how did I miss that? Ok, he wants the ex back, is settling for the OP, and now orbits the ex for any crumbs she sends his way. Guaranteed he's thinking of the ex when he's having sex with the OP.
OneLov Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I disagree with everyone. OP I know how it is. Its hard to find out who your bfs exs are especially when they are stunning. He is telling you not to worry, his actions would mirror that. I would believe him and try to shove your anxieties aside unless you see something that makes you think otherwise. ^^glass half full Ok, he wants the ex back, is settling for the OP, and now orbits the ex for any crumbs she sends his way. Guaranteed he's thinking of the ex when he's having sex with the OP. ^^glass half empty Which is it? It comes down to your perception because there's no evidence to 100% support either scenario. The reason why you feel the way you do is that you've started with the perception that the glass is half empty. You have to put her up on a pedestal to support your rationalization. It's the confirmation bias working to support your negative conclusion. I'm only going to advise you to do your best to get over this fear you have and learn to trust people. What's the worst that can happen? He leaves you and smashes your heart into a million tiny pieces? Ok, that could happen and definitely does suck but you can't control that. It's like fearing death because you know you're going to die someday and allowing that fear to stop you from living your life and finding happiness. We're all going to say good-bye one day. Whether we walk out the door or leave feet first, it's going to end. Please enjoy the ride before it's over and don't allow your fears to stop you from living. I wish you the best. 2
GoreSP Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 It's not an easy situation to be in but based on what you are saying, your boyfriend's words match his actions. You've already been with him 9X longer than she has so why worry so much? I don't believe the average man would stay with someone 9 months if he wasn't into her; especially if there are available and interesting women around... No offence, but I think you need to chill. 2
Gloria25 Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 ^^glass half empty Heeeey, I'm a "realist" and yeah, often times reality just sucks. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but someone's gotta shovel the manure.
typingrandma Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 (edited) Dear Lolagirl: I agree with your boyfriend. I think the issue is within you. She sounds like a complete opposite of you. You're worried just because she is good looking? So what? Your guy is with you because of who you are inside, not your looks! Good for him! He sounds solid. Most girls would give almost anything to have such a mature thinking guy. The fact that she wanted to come to his party and he told her No because it made you uncomfortable speaks VOLUMES to me girl!! He wants YOU! Just relax and enjoy this wonderful relationship. And be careful that your jealousy and envy of her doesn't poison a good thing and ruin it for you!! Over analyzing is not a good thing for you to do. I speak from experience. Trust me....YOU are the one to be envied!! Edited November 3, 2016 by typingrandma
OneLov Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 Heeeey, I'm a "realist" and yeah, often times reality just sucks. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but someone's gotta shovel the manure. But the reality we each experience is unique to us. I can only say in my experience, people do me right much more often than they do me wrong. Sometimes if you keep shoveling manure, everything starts to look like s***. I don't understand how adopting a cynical attitude is going to help OP with her self-described jealousy and insecurity issues. 2
Author Lolagirlxo Posted December 21, 2016 Author Posted December 21, 2016 UPDATE: So, he dumped me! He said he "just wasn't ready for a serious relationship." And what do you know, he's hanging out with her again and I have heard he's trying to talk to her again!
Author Lolagirlxo Posted December 22, 2016 Author Posted December 22, 2016 Are you really surprised by this? Kind of, just going off of his persistence to constantly shut me down and tell me I was crazy every time I brought her up. He swore up and down he would never get back with her, even if we broke up, and told me the reasons why. I am surprised that he would immediately jump right back with her, but at the same time I'm not at all.. Guess I should trust myself next time
GoreSP Posted December 22, 2016 Posted December 22, 2016 Every time you brought her up? How many times did you bring her up...?
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