Any hope of reconciliation?

[jaQ3]

Thank you, I'm seeing a therapist next week.

 

I'm not looking for what I "should" do, I've already made up my mind. My post is purely looking for other people's similar experiences. Obviously love is messy.

[JewelD]

Because I'm not over him, and he isn't over me either. Just because he's seeing someone elss doesn't mean he's over me and i know him better than anybody. The whole reason we broke up is because of the problems we had, and he realizes that getting back together wouldn't be healthy for either of us at this point in time.

 

i started this thread because I wanted to see it through the lense of second chances. Thanks for your opinion, noted.

 

Because you've decided he's not over you? Even if he wasn't over you, he's made it clear he does not want to work on things and is instead focusing on building a relationship with someone else. If dating a new person isn't moving on, I don't know what is.

 

You're giving him way too much power. He's open to reconciliation but in the meantime he's going to date and have sex with other women? and you're in the position where you're just going to wait until he's done. and there's no guarantee he's going to want to get back together again anyway.

 

He might be able to build a great relationship with this woman. Just because you had problems because you two weren't a match doesn't mean he's incapable of being more compatible with someone else. and I'm sure he'll appreciate a woman who doesn't break up with him multiple times.

[jaQ3]

I truly appreciate all the concern about my need to move on. Again, it's noted. I'll see a therapist next week.

 

In the meantime, Im really looking for other people's experiences in similar situations.

[JewelD]

I truly appreciate all the concern about my need to move on. Again, it's noted. I'll see a therapist next week.

 

In the meantime, Im really looking for other people's experiences in similar situations.

 

You have four pages worth of advice and experiences. Maybe not what you want to hear, but pretty much the truth about your situation. Good luck.

[jaQ3]

I cant believe I forgot to mention he told me "I love you" today.

[oldshirt]

again, I hear what you're telling me. Thanks for your opinion.

 

At this time I'm looking for other people's experiences that might be similar to mine in regards to reconnecting with a lost love.

 

OK, I'll share my experience(s) with reconnecting with a couple lost relationships.

 

My first love was when I was a senior in high school and she had graduated the year before. It was a perfect summer romance, the kind of stuff sappy chick flicks are made about.

 

When school (my senior year) started back up, we continued to date as she did not go to college and continued to live with her parents and got a job in a nearby town.

 

She was my first love, my first "real" kiss, my "first time", first real relationship etc etc. I thought she was "the one."

 

In about march of my senior year, I could tell things had changed and she was no longer treating me with any kind of priority or warmth or passion etc etc. I asked her if something was wrong and she said all was fine and that she was just "busy."

 

Well I soon found out she was busy alright, she was busy seeing someone else.

 

I begged, I pleaded, I negotiated, I offered the moon as long as she wouldn't dump me. She vacillated terribly and basically caved in to my pressure and continued to see me while still seeing the other too.

 

After about a month, the other guy just plain got tired of her continuing to see me and moved on.

 

I was over the moon and thought that I had "won." I thought we had made it through the storm and that I had prevailed.

 

Well that victory only lasted a couple months and pretty soon she was giving me the cold shoulder and the brush off again. And sure enough, I found out she was seeing him again.

 

this time I grew some little itty bitty tiny balls and told her I realized it was over. I even started seeing another girl a little bit but that wasn't serious and really wasn't going anywhere.

 

She found out about me seeing the other girl and was mad. I saw that as a ray of hope.

 

Then one evening I ran into her buying a pizza at the store and asked if she had any company to eat the pizza with and she said no and somewhat reluctantly agreed for me to come to her house for pizza. We were friendly but didn't really rush into each other's arms or anything.

 

A few weeks later I got a wild hair and asked her out. Suprisingly she agreed and we went out. then went out again and then again and by that fall we were dating and having sex etc again.

 

And once again I thought I had won a great victory and had won the grand prize of her love and devotion.

 

....and then a few months later, she started going cold on me and ghosting me again. I had picked up on the pattern by now and could tell we were doing a nose dive again.

 

This time however she called me from work, which she had never done and in fact had not initiated any phone calls or anything to me in months, and gave me the famous, "we need to have a talk," line.

 

We met that night and she gave me the official dumping.

 

I could feel the begging and pleading and negotiating starting to well up inside me again, but for some reason this time I kept my mouth shut. I didn't beg, I didn't plead, I didn't try to work out any deals.

 

I realized it was over and even though a part of me was heartbroke, another part of me was so sick of being jerked around by her and blown off by her and her cheating on me and just being a downright crappy girlfriend and a downer, I accepted it was over and knew it was for the best.

 

I moved on.

 

Then as a side note, 3 YEARS later she basically shows up on my doorstep again and wants to hang out for evening. We hang out and had a fun time shooting the sheite but not much really happened. A week or so later she invites me to her new apartment and we did end up making out till the wee hours of the morning and she called me a couple more times after that but I was on the tail end of another relationship and really didn't pursue anything with her or take the bait or anything at that time.

 

A couple months later, the other gal and I split up and I thought what the heck, I'll call her up and see if she wants to hook up now. We had a lunch date one afternoon and then a movie date another night and I started to put some moves on her but she pretty much stiffarmed me and then told me that she had started seeing someone a month or so earlier.

 

That was it. That was when I wrote her off for good and when I finally saw the light. If she were to call me up again now, no matter how lonely and pathetic I am, no matter how horny and hard up I am, no matter how destitute and living under a bridge I am, I am not going there ever again.

 

I was in love with her. I gave her my best. I always treated her like a queen. I never cheated on her. I was always there at her beck and call for her and I always treated her with dignity and respect and she screwed me over again and again and again. I was like Charlie Brown and she was like Lucy pulling the football out from under me every time.

 

Now looking back 30 years ago, I have one regret and one regret only and that is that I did not walk away and not look back the first time she treated me like crap and cheated on me.

 

Although it was painful at the time, I don't regret losing her when she cheated on me my senior year of high school. What I regret is the months that I continued to chase her and plead with her to pick me. I regret the months of being a doomed relationship with her just wanting for the other shoe to drop. I regret the additional months that I spent chasing her and pining over her after she blew me off and was cheating on me the 2nd time.

 

And I regret the months after I supposedly "won her back" dating her until she dumped me for good again.

 

All in all that added up to one full year of me being 18-19 chasing after a mirage.

 

And even though nothing actually developed out of it, I also regret catering to her and being her little dancing monkey 3 years later when she was bored and lonely and needed some ego stroking so she called up naïve and gullible little oldshirt only to make him think he may score some poontang again, only to have the football pulled out from under him one last time.

 

The lesson here is in the end, you really don't regret break ups. Yes they hurt and they are a disruption in your life. But you heal and move on. The real regret that you feel years later is the time and energy and emotional investment that you lose trying to get back someone that doesn't want to be with you.

 

When people want to be with you and are meant to be with you, they stay with you and they don't leave you and take up with someone else.

 

And if things are going well with them and you like them and want to be with them, you don't break up with them either.

 

Relationships that work, don't end. when people break up, it is almost always for a good reason.

 

That was my reconnection story and it was the most successful reconnection and reconciliation I have ever had. I'm sure someone out there has a more successful recon story than mine but probably not many.

 

Break ups are usually for just cause and in reading your story, your break up was legit and for perfectly valid reasons. That doesn't mean that it will be painless or that there wont be some lonely nights. But it was for just cause.

[Toodaloo]

Thank you, I'm seeing a therapist next week.

 

I'm not looking for what I "should" do, I've already made up my mind. My post is purely looking for other people's similar experiences. Obviously love is messy.

 

Long lasting love isn't this messy... This is the sort of fake love you get with a fling...

 

Once again I find myself just wanting to go through liking Blancos posts so I will just say listen to Blanco...

 

Mind you thats the second time I have said that after you have ignored it so you never know third time lucky...

 

I really do not see why you even want to be with a guy when the relationship you had was so awful... Trust me it really was... It wasn't good at all...

 

One day I hope you do find a good relationship so you can understand what I mean. Sadly you are not going to find it while you are like this.

 

Good luck.

[jaQ3]

I know, it doesn't make sense. I know he isn't good for me but the heart wants what it wants, regardless of what the brain tries telling it. Maybe I'll get them in sync one of these days.

 

I love and miss *him*. To the deepest of my core.

 

And i know he loves me too. He said so, and he's pretty torn up, having cried to me on the phone a couple times. But he says he can't make me happy. I told him he probably won't be able to make anyone happy the way he is now-- constantly anxious, depressed over his job situation. He's the type always looking backwards, blaming the world for his problems. Paralyzed by indecision, he's been afraid to switch jobs for years even though he hates his miserable menial job. He works an entry level job fueling trucks. He's 34. Every week he has a new idea for what he wants to do, job-wise, but never takes a step for some excuse or another (i don't like the hours, or I'd have to go back to school, etc) He dwells on his problems. Pessimistic and negative. He seems like half a person, always just "there". He thinks a piece of him is missing, he told me when we first started dating that he's never felt passionate about anything in his life.

 

That said, I can't get over him.

[Blanco]

I love and miss *him*. To the deepest of my core.

 

You have almost never been single as an adult for an extended period of time, so I'll reiterate: You miss having someone. Sure, you care about him, but what you're missing now is the riches of companionship. And if anything, you're missing what you wanted him to be, not who he actually was. Because, who he actually is...

 

constantly anxious, depressed over his job situation. He's the type always looking backwards, blaming the world for his problems. Paralyzed by indecision, he's been afraid to switch jobs for years even though he hates his miserable menial job. He works an entry level job fueling trucks. He's 34. Every week he has a new idea for what he wants to do, job-wise, but never takes a step for some excuse or another (i don't like the hours, or I'd have to go back to school, etc) He dwells on his problems. Pessimistic and negative. He seems like half a person, always just "there". He thinks a piece of him is missing, he told me when we first started dating that he's never felt passionate about anything in his life.

 

He's shown you who he really is, and now he's telling you he knows he can't make you happy because he knows who is he. He's 34. Sure, he could experience a radical change in personality and life outlook, but the better bet is that he's essentially the finished product. And the finished product isn't compatible with what your needs are.

 

That said, I can't get over him.

 

Nonsense. What I think you really mean is you can't get past the idea of being single. "Alone."

 

This guy may not be an awful person, but he sounds utterly toxic. You yourself felt unhappier with him than happier and it's easy to see why. He sounds like a total drain.

 

But now, he's got appeal to you because having someone is better than no one in your eyes. You need to deal with why you have that ingrained feeling. You never dealt properly with your fiance's death and now it's manifested itself in a way that you can't handle being single, going so far as to strongly prefer a toxic relationship.

[ChickiePops]

I truly appreciate all the concern about my need to move on. Again, it's noted. I'll see a therapist next week.

 

In the meantime, Im really looking for other people's experiences in similar situations.

 

No, what you're looking for is permission to chase after him and try to get him back and hope that he will come back and that you'll live happily ever after.

 

You don't need anyone's approval, you can do whatever you want. But I can tell you from experience that your relationship would almost certainly fail, and that it gets worse every time you break up. Nothing has changed since you broke up..the issues that caused the break up are still there, and if you get back together this soon, they'll never change.

 

You only want him back because it hurts right now and you don't feel like dealing with the pain. Getting back together (and this is assuming he would even take you back) is like putting a band aid on a gushing wound. It'll help for a little bit but eventually you need to treat the actual wound. This man is not your future and you know it.

[Mr. Lucky]

And i know he loves me too.

 

And he shows this by immediately jumping into a relationship with someone else ???

 

Interesting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jaQ3]

I've found NC to be a godsend as far as healing goes, but what about the other side?

 

My live in boyfriend and I had been together over three years. He's been in a very bad job rut and it caused friction between us, among other lifestyle difficulties. After a fight, he started talking to his sister's attractive friend. For a whole month, he waffled between me and her, breaking down to me multiple times about how hard this is but how we both really just need to move on, because our relationship problems are still unresolved and nothing would change, though he wouldn't rule out the possibility of us getting back together in the future if we've both grown, since "we're a near match, and life is funny that way"

 

Despite me trying to get him back for a month, he chose her. But, he cried to me and told me he needs me in his life, I'm his best friend, etc.

 

Well, shortly thereafter, I finally cut him out of my life, and he is upset about it. He said he doesn't want this (no contact) at all. I moved all of my stuff out of our house while he was staying at his parents house. He got to come "home" to an empty house and the process of ending our lease.

 

I made the mistake of snooping on his fb (I've since unfriended him) and him and this girl are still dating and posting pics together.

 

Am I hopeless for a reconciliation eventually?

Edited November 21, 2016 by jaQ3

[basil67]

No Contact should promote healing on both sides. As he was also unhappy in the relationship, healing and moving on is exactly what he needs to do.

 

I'm glad you're coming along well with your own healing.

[Kayley]

I wish NC was helping me heal! 22 days and still miserable.

 

Hope things work out for you

[jaQ3]

I wish NC was helping me heal! 22 days and still miserable.

 

Hope things work out for you

 

I'm sorry...one day down is one day closer to the light of the tunnel

[PegNosePete]

I've found NC to be a godsend as far as healing goes, but what about the other side?

The whole point is that the other side doesn't matter.

 

If you don't understand that then you need to read all about NC all over again because you have missed the point entirely.

 

NC is about you and your healing. The other side is irrelevant. If you're worrying about the other side then you're not doing NC right.

[Satu]

In itself, NC doesn't heal anything.

 

 

It just creates a condition conducive to healing, by:

 

1. Insulating you from any further hurt from your ex, and

 

2. Prevents you being distracted from your healing by your ex.

 

Thats all it is and all it does.

 

Once that condition is established you can just let nature do the healing, which is probably the long way, or you can use specific healing approaches such as journalling or counselling etc, which might be a shorter way.

 

What works best can be different from person to person.

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

Edited November 22, 2016 by Satu

[l8estnews]

I wish NC was helping me heal! 22 days and still miserable.

 

Hope things work out for you

 

22 days is too early. Mine reached Day 500 and it was unrequited love! We cope differently so don't rush

[Superchicken]

I made the mistake of snooping on his fb (I've since unfriended him) and him and this girl are still dating and posting pics together.

 

Am I hopeless for a reconciliation eventually?

 

I'm sorry, but I don't see anywhere in that quote of a "Mistake".

It was the right thing to do.

He's just a tool, and wanted you around to fall back on.

 

 

Get angry, and not upset.

You dropped him like the load of horse poo he is.

Enjoy the fact you just dodged a bullet if you had stayed with him.

 

 

Ted.

[ElizabethIII]

It depends what the NC is for.

 

If you're talking about wanting them back and using NC to do it...I doubt it would work in a long term relationship. They wanted you gone and ended it.

 

With dating it is a different story.

 

I have noticed that it since I got alot tougher in myself, not chasing guys and just falling off the face of the earth if they dont contact me, they tend to come back if you go quiet. But alot of the time it is just curiousity. Once they see you again they disappear again and again and again.

[jaQ3]

It depends what the NC is for.

 

If you're talking about wanting them back and using NC to do it...I doubt it would work in a long term relationship. They wanted you gone and ended it.

 

With dating it is a different story.

 

I have noticed that it since I got alot tougher in myself, not chasing guys and just falling off the face of the earth if they dont contact me, they tend to come back if you go quiet. But alot of the time it is just curiousity. Once they see you again they disappear again and again and again.

 

Wow I'm sorry that seems to happen to you so much

[ElizabethIII]

Wow I'm sorry that seems to happen to you so much

 

Actually just the 1-2 guys did it.

[jaQ3]

I was in an unfulfilling, toxic relationship and despite us mutually breaking up, my ex immediately started seeing his sister's hot friend. Despite all of my logical side saying "good riddance", my heart is overridden with rose-colored glasses and regret about how I should have tried harder to make it work.

 

How do you reconcile what you KNOW is right vs what your heart says?

[travelbug1996]

Unfulfilling and toxic should be enough. Remember the specific incidences that made it toxic. Exactly what were they? Write them here and sometimes putting somethings in writing makes it clear.

 

 

 

He may or may not have the same relationship as her but that's not what's important. What's important is that you work on yourself to see where you had weak boundaries and allowed the relationship to reach such a point.

[BAcK]

Being honest with yourself is a paradox. The thing is that you should accept the facts as they are and stop fantasizing about how you guys can get together or how you could have tried harder to make things work.

Once you fully accept this, you will find yourself at peace. How do you expect to be honest with yourself if you still have not fully accepted the break up.

There is no shortcut to reconcile your logical thoughts with the lingering feelings in your heart.

Give yourself time. You will find that as time goes by your rational thoughts will outweigh the feelings that you have. You will be fine. However, it all depends how you proceed.

The best you can is atleast try to be happy. Work on yourself. Take care of yourself. You will be fine.