In so much pain

[starry81]

Hello. It's my first time posting here. I'm a 35 year old divorced mum of an 11 year old boy. I'm also at my wits end. If anyone could help, I would most appreciate it.

 

I got divorced from my ex-husband 3 years ago after a 9 year marriage because he had been repeatedly unfaithful. Then I met a man on a dating site whom I had a strong attraction to. I was seeing others at the time and he told me he wanted no commitment. I was fine with it as I didn't know what I wanted at that point too. However I told him that I would appreciate it if he were to be honest with me if he were seeing anyone else.

 

Over the next few months, my feelings for him deepened. Still he told me he did not know where this was heading. However he also repeatedly assured me (without any asking on my part) that he wasn't seeing anyone else. He was very sweet and attentive to me and I found him a refreshing change from other men. He was cute and light-hearted.

 

However I soon found messages on his phone that indicated he had been lying to me. Eventually he confessed that he had been seeing (and screwing) other girls the whole time and even hooked up with his ex on 3 occasions. I immediately severed communication with him, despite my feelings for him.

 

He went to many extreme measures after that. He would use different numbers to contact me, linger around my house for hours everyday for weeks, knelt before me, got a job near my workplace.. whatever dramatic measure you could think of, he did. I found myself relenting because of my strong feelings for him.

 

What followed was 2 years of pain. I cannot trust him anymore although he insists he has been good the whole time. I don't believe him and find myself paranoid about his facebook activity, what's on his phone etc. I have initiated many breakups with him and he always does the same thing - goes into self-destructive mode and stalk me. I give in because I feel sorry for him and because I still care for him, but more and more I find myself spiraling downwards into greater unhappiness. My hair is falling out, the repeated break ups are so traumatizing and energy-zapping. I have no more tears left to cry. My fear is overwhelming. I feel weak and ashamed of myself.

 

We are now broken up again and I know he will turn up soon and the same cycle will repeat itself, I want to be strong this time. How can I avoid sabotaging myself?

[PegNosePete]

We are now broken up again and I know he will turn up soon and the same cycle will repeat itself, I want to be strong this time. How can I avoid sabotaging myself?

He keeps doing the same thing for one simple reason: it works.

 

There is only one person who can stop this cycle. YOU. You need to slam the door in his face for good, and say NO.

 

If he turns stalker, call the police and get a restraining order against him.

[sandylee1]

Tell him it's over for good and if he attempts to contact you, you'll consider it harassment and take legal action.

[Redhead14]

Hello. It's my first time posting here. I'm a 35 year old divorced mum of an 11 year old boy. I'm also at my wits end. If anyone could help, I would most appreciate it.

 

I got divorced from my ex-husband 3 years ago after a 9 year marriage because he had been repeatedly unfaithful. Then I met a man on a dating site whom I had a strong attraction to. I was seeing others at the time and he told me he wanted no commitment. I was fine with it as I didn't know what I wanted at that point too. However I told him that I would appreciate it if he were to be honest with me if he were seeing anyone else.

 

Over the next few months, my feelings for him deepened. Still he told me he did not know where this was heading. However he also repeatedly assured me (without any asking on my part) that he wasn't seeing anyone else. He was very sweet and attentive to me and I found him a refreshing change from other men. He was cute and light-hearted.

 

However I soon found messages on his phone that indicated he had been lying to me. Eventually he confessed that he had been seeing (and screwing) other girls the whole time and even hooked up with his ex on 3 occasions. I immediately severed communication with him, despite my feelings for him.

 

He went to many extreme measures after that. He would use different numbers to contact me, linger around my house for hours everyday for weeks, knelt before me, got a job near my workplace.. whatever dramatic measure you could think of, he did. I found myself relenting because of my strong feelings for him.

 

What followed was 2 years of pain. I cannot trust him anymore although he insists he has been good the whole time. I don't believe him and find myself paranoid about his facebook activity, what's on his phone etc. I have initiated many breakups with him and he always does the same thing - goes into self-destructive mode and stalk me. I give in because I feel sorry for him and because I still care for him, but more and more I find myself spiraling downwards into greater unhappiness. My hair is falling out, the repeated break ups are so traumatizing and energy-zapping. I have no more tears left to cry. My fear is overwhelming. I feel weak and ashamed of myself.

 

We are now broken up again and I know he will turn up soon and the same cycle will repeat itself, I want to be strong this time. How can I avoid sabotaging myself?

 

How can I avoid sabotaging myself? -- By putting on your big girl pants and talking to yourself like your own best friend and reminding yourself that the relationship is a train-wreck and you have been miserable and by implementing NO CONTACT. Block his number and delete it. If he shows up at your place, don't open the door and tell him he needs to leave. If he refuses, you tell him you will call the cops and do it if necessary. Get tough.

 

My fear is overwhelming. I feel weak and ashamed of myself. -- The only way to stop all this is to move forward and focus on YOU and your needs and establishing yourself as a secure, independent, mature woman in her own right who does not need a man in her life and certainly not one that doesn't add to her happiness. A woman doesn't need a man to be happy. A man should only enhance the happiness she already has for herself/her life. Face you fear of being a single woman. "Fear does not control me. I face it so as to control it . . ."

[2GraceFull]

My instinct says you should get away from this man as soon as possible. Make it clear you are not interested, if he gets angry then go get a restraining order. He is playing you and wants to keep you at arms length. This relationship is toxic. You need to take a long look at why you seem to be drawn to men who are unfaithful to you. Its not your fault but you need to recognize red flags when dating. And WAIT till you know all about them and don't think you can love them enough to make them change. They do not change. Your first priority should be your son and to keep him safe. Show him by your choices that you are a lady and you demand to be respected and loved. Not used, abused and treated like trash. You are better than that. Teach him how he should treat a lady, show him by your actions.

[starry81]

Thank you for your helpful replies. The problem (and I am very ashamed of it) is that this more than 10 times (possible even 20)of breaking up. I want it to stick this time.

 

My biggest problem is that I soften easily. He changes numbers everytime I block one. He sends me long messages about how very sorry he is, how he's never felt this way about anyone before, and how he is self-destructing without me in his life. Before I know it, I am replying to one of his messages and it eventually leads to the same cycle repeating itself.

 

From blowing very hot, he rapidly becomes lukewarm after reconciliation. He never initiates anything, and hardly asks me any questions about my day. Our relationship is shrouded in secrecy. I've never made contact with any of his family members or friends, and vice versa. They don't know of my existence.

 

My son is away with his dad every weekend. I'm an introvert and have very few friends. Weekends are when I'm most likely to succumb. I have decided that I will

 

1)delete his messages without reading and block the new number

2)hang up as soon as I hear his voice

3)create a scene if he physically stalks me

4)go out and meet new people monthly or fortnightly

5)pick up new hobbies/ read books

 

My biggest fear is softening. I wonder if any of you have successfully broken out of this destructive cycle and have any more advice to share?

[paradise found]

I'm in a similar situation now. Recent breakup with a cheater and for some reason I miss him. Well, I don't miss him, I miss what I wanted the relationship to be. My hopes and dreams of being happy.

 

My ex always talked his way back before. But like you, I'm bound and determined to be done. I found myself sacrificing my core values just to be with him. I guess I wanted to be in a relationship that badly.

 

Now I am focusing on myself. Finding myself, so to say. Like you, I'm not super social. But when I go out...store, coffee shop, wherever, I put on my smile and make small talk. Do stuff you like to do.

 

I hope you can stay strong. Seems like you are catching on to his manipulative ways. I've read that indifference is the best attitude. True for my ex. He loved to be in control over my emotions.

[stillafool]

Thank you for your helpful replies. The problem (and I am very ashamed of it) is that this more than 10 times (possible even 20)of breaking up. I want it to stick this time.

 

My biggest problem is that I soften easily. He changes numbers everytime I block one. He sends me long messages about how very sorry he is, how he's never felt this way about anyone before, and how he is self-destructing without me in his life. Before I know it, I am replying to one of his messages and it eventually leads to the same cycle repeating itself.

 

From blowing very hot, he rapidly becomes lukewarm after reconciliation. He never initiates anything, and hardly asks me any questions about my day. Our relationship is shrouded in secrecy. I've never made contact with any of his family members or friends, and vice versa. They don't know of my existence.

 

My son is away with his dad every weekend. I'm an introvert and have very few friends. Weekends are when I'm most likely to succumb. I have decided that I will

 

1)delete his messages without reading and block the new number

2)hang up as soon as I hear his voice

3)create a scene if he physically stalks me

4)go out and meet new people monthly or fortnightly

5)pick up new hobbies/ read books

 

My biggest fear is softening. I wonder if any of you have successfully broken out of this destructive cycle and have any more advice to share?

 

Make up your mind that you are a STRONG person for you and your child. Not some weakling that people can treat any way they choose. When you start valuing yourself you will find strength. You are 35 and it's time to start standing up for yourself.

[starry81]

I'm in a similar situation now. Recent breakup with a cheater and for some reason I miss him. Well, I don't miss him, I miss what I wanted the relationship to be. My hopes and dreams of being happy.

 

My ex always talked his way back before. But like you, I'm bound and determined to be done. I found myself sacrificing my core values just to be with him. I guess I wanted to be in a relationship that badly.

 

Now I am focusing on myself. Finding myself, so to say. Like you, I'm not super social. But when I go out...store, coffee shop, wherever, I put on my smile and make small talk. Do stuff you like to do.

 

I hope you can stay strong. Seems like you are catching on to his manipulative ways. I've read that indifference is the best attitude. True for my ex. He loved to be in control over my emotions.

 

I hope we both find the strength. I have a feeling if I let it, this can go on for several more years and I will have no self-esteem at all at the end of it.

[Downtown]

Starry, your stalker exBF may have strong traits of a personality disorder. If so, he likely exhibits more than one PD. The vast majority of folks having strong traits of one PD also have strong traits of one or two others as well. The frequent lying and cheating are warning signs (i.e., symptoms) for narcissism and sociopathy.

 

However, the neediness, instability, threats of self harm, rapid flips between adoring and devaluing you, and the push-pull cycle resulting in numerous breakups/makeups are red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Moreover, because BPDers (folks exhibiting moderate to strong traits) have a great fear of abandonment, stalking behavior oftentimes is associated with BPD (see, e.g., BPD and Stalking).

 

I bring this possibility to your attention because it may help explain why you "feel weak and ashamed" of yourself. BPDers exhibit an emotional intensity, immaturity, and purity of expression that otherwise is seen only in young children. This means that, like young children, they are very easy to fall in love with and very hard to walk away from. Indeed, walking away from a BPDer can feel like you're abandoning a sick child who desperately needs you.

 

The result is that it is common for the abused partners of BPDers to attempt to leave many times. BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) -- like your relationship -- went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Starry.

[starry81]

I've blocked 4 numbers and ignored 3 messages and several calls now. It's strange how all these feel like love although I know it isn't. It's a compulsion, maybe an addiction, but it's not love. I'm disappointed in me because I feel the tug with every message I receive from him.

[Redhead14]

I've blocked 4 numbers and ignored 3 messages and several calls now. It's strange how all these feel like love although I know it isn't. It's a compulsion, maybe an addiction, but it's not love. I'm disappointed in me because I feel the tug with every message I receive from him.

 

You need to forget all the negative self-talk -- ashamed, disappointed in yourself. In order to stop feeling that way though you just have to finally decide for yourself to treat yourself better and not do the same thing over and over again. Most people stick their hand in a fire ONCE. They know it hurts and they don't do it again. Think of him as fire . . . all he does is hurt you.

 

Stick with the blocking and ignoring. The more you do it, the stronger you'll get. Don't let him have this control over you. Take your "life" back and start being good to yourself.

[paradise found]

When you start thinking about him or doubting yourself and your decision, tell your brain to STOP. Refocus your thought process. It does become easier.

 

Stay strong! We can do this!

[PegNosePete]

I've blocked 4 numbers and ignored 3 messages and several calls now. It's strange how all these feel like love although I know it isn't. It's a compulsion, maybe an addiction, but it's not love. I'm disappointed in me because I feel the tug with every message I receive from him.

With every message you ignore, the tug will get less and less over time.

 

Keep up the good work. Ignore! You know what happens when you reply!!! Just read the posts you've made above if you're ever in doubt or want to reply. Just listen to your own words that you've written up above...

[starry81]

I've been feeling so angry.

 

On Fri night, when he knew I'll usually be alone, he messaged me with a new number, one I've not blocked. He said he would be staying (down my block) till I replied to his message, and that he'd renewed my domain names (he had set up some websites for my work, I had not asked for it and he had done it of his own accord.)

 

I replied to tell him it was the end and to respect my decision. This of course led to some back and forth where we rehashed the same issues again.

What's made me so angry is that I found out about two weeks ago that he'd been going quite regularly to Thai discos. They are basically sleazy places where you hang garlands on Thai "dancers" for varying prices. A lower price would buy you some flirting and company with the dancer, a higher price comes with sexual favors. The ultimate goal is to get the girl into bed. There is no guarantee to this happening and I suppose that adds to the thrill of the hunt.

 

He had been the one to mention it probably because he thought I didn't know what went on in these places. He said he went multiple times, in fact organized the outings and paid for everything.

 

I was so disgusted. He has around 10k of debt, something he confessed to me about a year and a half ago. I'd always been mindful of that and whenever we went out I'd take care of the more expensive bills. Now I basically feel like I've been subsidizing his revolting sleazy hobbies. Every outing would probably cost a few hundred dollars, and he certainly doesn't spend that kind of money on me. He said he was feeling sad, wanted the company of his friends and somehow ended up there.

 

I'm disgusted with myself too for being in a relationship with such a guy. I just feel so angry. Everytime I get one of his messages I get mixed feelings. Sadness, fury.. I even ask myself if this can be salvaged. And then I get frustrated with myself for even considering it. I just wish all these feelings would go away.

Edited November 14, 2016 by starry81

[l8estnews]

He keeps doing the same thing for one simple reason: it works.

 

There is only one person who can stop this cycle. YOU. You need to slam the door in his face for good, and say NO.

 

If he turns stalker, call the police and get a restraining order against him.

 

The best answer for this thread. Do this and this will solve your issues.

[PegNosePete]

I replied

This is where you made the mistake.

 

He texted you because he wanted a response.

 

You gave it to him. What did you think would happen? He would just say "OK" and go away? You KNOW what this guy is like. You KNOW how he is. You KNOW how he operates. You KNOW he is a complete douchebag.

 

So why did you reply? Let him stand out in the cold if he wants. Next time DELETE the message without even reading it!

 

I just wish all these feelings would go away.

They WILL NOT go away if you keep REPLYING to him!!!

[starry81]

This is where you made the mistake.

 

He texted you because he wanted a response.

 

You gave it to him. What did you think would happen? He would just say "OK" and go away? You KNOW what this guy is like. You KNOW how he is. You KNOW how he operates. You KNOW he is a complete douchebag.

 

So why did you reply? Let him stand out in the cold if he wants. Next time DELETE the message without even reading it!

 

 

They WILL NOT go away if you keep REPLYING to him!!!

 

I just got so angry. After that day I went right back to blocking and ignoring. But I'm still so angry. I almost wish I hadn't blocked him so I can vent all that anger. I know there will be a whole lot of other tough emotions to go through later. I just wish I could fast forward to the part where I just don't care anymore.

[VienneseCoffee]

I guess you need to ask yourself why you are willing to put up with so much pain? I know being single is not fun. But you can't really trust this man as you've already mentioned. and he does indeed sound like a sleazebag. Why do you want a sleazebag in your life when there are plenty of guys out there who would be nice to you? I know it's difficult as I was dallying with an ex myself recently but finally decided he wasn't worth all of the agony I was going through. You can do it! be strong

[starry81]

I guess you need to ask yourself why you are willing to put up with so much pain? I know being single is not fun. But you can't really trust this man as you've already mentioned. and he does indeed sound like a sleazebag. Why do you want a sleazebag in your life when there are plenty of guys out there who would be nice to you? I know it's difficult as I was dallying with an ex myself recently but finally decided he wasn't worth all of the agony I was going through. You can do it! be strong

 

Thank you for the encouragement. my emotions get the better of me. I think some sort of childhood dynamic is at play here where I associate pain with love. I also know I'm not dealing with this optimally at the moment. I'm kind of jumpy, anticipating his next message, and thinking of all sorts of nasty things to say to him. I don't think he's worth all this energy. I will carry out a plan to move on. I've done it before and I know I can do it again.

[elaine567]

I am sorry for your situation, but what sort of mother do you think you are being to your son just now?

YOU are anxious, angry and upset, do you really think he doesn't know? Do you really think that is good for his mental health?

Time to take charge here, if you cannot do it for yourself do it for your son. He doesn't deserve to be stuck in the middle of a toxic relationship.

You say you have child hood issues, so you know how bad that feels.

You need to make doubly sure you provide a balanced and stable environment for your son, so stop all this nonsense and block this idiot completely from both of your lives.

[stillafool]

I thought you had broken up with this guy? Now you are back with him? Please think about your son and get this horrible guy out of your life. Change all of your info so he can't contact you. If he continues to bother you after that seek a restraining order. You are the one who is keeping youeself in pain, not him. Is it worth all of this just to have a man?

[starry81]

I never said I was back with him. I don't know where you're getting the idea. I replied to him once last week out of anger and have gone back to blocking.

[starry81]

It's been more than a month now and I can safely say I am getting over him. My last reply to his message was about a month ago and his attempts to make contact have gone from daily to weekly.

 

What surprises me is how my emotions fluctuate from one end to the other. One moment I am full of anger at how he deceived and used me, but the next I feel sorry for him and want to wish him well. But what is constant is that I have no wish to get back with him.

 

Some distance away from him has made me see him quite clearly for who he is. Before this lengthy period of no contact, I didn't want to acknowledge the truth. I wanted, still, to support him emotionally into becoming someone better and hoped he'll show some signs of commitment to our future.

 

But now I sadly conclude that he hadn't and probably would never have gotten his act together, realizes it himself, and was using me temporarily for whatever sex and comfort I brought him. What I have taken away from all this is - in any future relationship I will walk away at the first red flag, the first sign of a deceitful personality. I will NOT let myself be persuaded into second or third chances thinking that persistence is love.

 

Anyhow, my update was just to let you guys know that "No contact" did indeed work for me to end a vicious 2+ year cycle of an on-off relationship, mainly through forced emotional detachment.

[EvilLawStudent]

His using you clearly you need to build up your confidence and say NO. Cut out all contact with this man! you're putting your mental health on the line if you keep letting him break you.