My girl keeps saying she doesn't know if she wants to be with me and I'm going crazy

November 1, 2016

I met this girl about 6 months ago. At first it was just physical attraction so I didn't want a relationship, but the more I talked to her, the more I started to like her. Eventually we started hanging out every single day, we would text all day long, she would come out with my friends and I would go out with hers.

Things were going great and we both starting to fall for each other...but then I brought up to her that I didn't like that she was still talking to her ex of 5 years, even though they broke up 2 years ago. She told me he's an important person in her life, but something about it kept bothering me. So that would often make us argue, and those arguments would make her feel sad.

Then 2 months ago, her mom and her sister moved back in with her. Her mom is pretty conservative (Indian) and doesn't like that my girl goes out so much. And her sister has lots of drama going on with her life (basically married a guy who she is not happy with and doesn't know what to do about it). So all this situation has been stressing her out a lot...and because of this we haven't had any time to spend alone, which obviously frustrated me a bit. I brought it up to her, but she started telling me she wanted space and time to figure out what she really wanted, but at the same time didn't want to lose me.

I told her I can't keep talking or seeing her if she doesn't feel anything for me anymore. I didn't text her for 3 days, but eventually she texted me saying she missed me a lot, so we decided to meet right away and for 2 hours she just kept hugging me and holding my hands telling me how much she missed me. She said she knows I'm in a "grey situation" and that she feels selfish and bad that I'm going through this, but she is really just trying to figure out what she wants in life and how to deal with the stress she's getting from her family.

In the past few days we made some small conversations and saw each other a bit. Yesterday I told her that she either wants to be with me or she doesn't, and if she doesn't she needs to clearly tell me. She needs to make up her mind. But all she keeps saying is that she doesn't know what she wants and that she's stuck "in the middle" about being with me or not. She also doesn't want to lose me and wants to keep talking. She says she feels bad because she knows she's keeping me hanging in the middle.

I really don't know what to do. Any advice?

November 1, 2016

So you started off with the intent of being friends with benefits and now she's confused and would like to keep you as a friend, and that's the benefit.

When someone tells you they don't know what they want, interpret that as they don't want what they have.

Whether you stick around as a friend is entirely up to you but if you have feelings for her it'll be extremely hard on you. Personally, I don't see how her mother's conservatism about her going out too much or her sister's relationship problems have to affect your relationship. It sounds like she might be making excuses.

I'd accept her invitation to give her space but also remove the friendship component and let her figure things out on her own. If she still wants you there for support, then there is no reason to break up with you since you can already provide that for her as her boyfriend.

Edited November 1, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

November 1, 2016

So you started off with the intent of being friends with benefits and now she's confused and would like to keep you as a friend, and that's the benefit.

When someone tells you they don't know what they want, interpret that as they don't want what they have.

Whether you stick around as a friend is entirely up to you but if you have feelings for her it'll be extremely hard on you. Personally, I don't see how her mother's conservatism about her going out too much or her sister's relationship problems have to affect your relationship. It sounds like she might be making excuses.

I'd accept her invitation to give her space but also remove the friendship component and let her figure things out on her own. If she still wants you there for support, then ther is no reason to break up with you since you can already provide that for her as her boyfriend.

Well we never were friends with benefits. I just didn't want a relationship right away so in the beginning she was chasing me and I was just taking it slow.

And nope, I can't be her friend because I really do have feelings for her.

What do you suggest I do while I let her figure out what she really wants? No contact? And ignore all her messages and calls? When I told her that I can't be talking or seeing her because of my feelings she said that "it's not fair for me to cut her off like this and leave her alone while she's trying to figure out what she wants".

November 1, 2016

Tip.

Cut this dead.

She likes the attention. She isn't all that bothered by you.

If you disappeared now she would probably send a few texts when she is bored then she would move on.

Quit wasting your time.

November 1, 2016

It was a play in words

She doesn't get to dictate what you will do out of her request. It is absolutely fair that you protect yourself and take care of yourself while she "decides"

Her expectations are ridiculous and they are hers, you don't owe her any more of your time or friendship if this is what she wants.

You already expressed to her it's all or nothing, and she already expressed she needs space. Nothing more to negotiate.

You tell her moving forward to not call you or text you unless she has come to a decision, in which case you will look at if you are available and if you are so inclined. But really as of this point you consider the relationship over. Wish her well with all her problems and move on with your life.

You will have to stick to your guns, and be strong, and not break down and contact her or reply to her communication attempts. Maybe just maybe the radio silence will knock some sense into her and make realize it's you that she wants.

Though if she is having doubts....that's not a good sign. Did something happen between you two?

November 1, 2016

It was a play in words

She doesn't get to dictate what you will do out of her request. It is absolutely fair that you protect yourself and take care of yourself while she "decides"
Her expectations are ridiculous and they are hers, you don't owe her any more of your time or friendship if this is what she wants.

You already expressed to her it's all or nothing, and she already expressed she needs space. Nothing more to negotiate.

You tell her moving forward to not call you or text you unless she has come to a decision, in which case you will look at if you are available and if you are so inclined. But really as of this point you consider the relationship over. Wish her well with all her problems and move on with your life.

You will have to stick to your guns, and be strong, and not break down and contact her or reply to her communication attempts. Maybe just maybe the radio silence will knock some sense into her and make realize it's you that she wants.

Though if she is having doubts....that's not a good sign. Did something happen between you two?

Nothing major happened. In the last few weeks of the relationship we would have arguments about her still talking to her ex. And the stress from the family played a part in the breakup as well. I'm also 100% sure there is no other guy in the picture...I know her enough to know she would tell me if that was the reason.

This is why all this is so hard to understand for me. We used to see each other almost every day and text all day long. And now, she's being cold and distant. Even to this point, the most we have gone without seeing each other is 3 days...and this silence and distance from her is really hurting me.

November 1, 2016

Nothing major happened. In the last few weeks of the relationship we would have arguments about her still talking to her ex. And the stress from the family played a part in the breakup as well. I'm also 100% sure there is no other guy in the picture...I know her enough to know she would tell me if that was the reason.
This is why all this is so hard to understand for me. We used to see each other almost every day and text all day long. And now, she's being cold and distant. Even to this point, the most we have gone without seeing each other is 3 days...and this silence and distance from her is really hurting me.

There is another guy...

She doesn't need your attention any more.

November 1, 2016

Nothing major happened. In the last few weeks of the relationship we would have arguments about her still talking to her ex.

This is why all this is so hard to understand for me. We used to see each other almost every day and text all day long. And now, she's being cold and distant. Even to this point, the most we have gone without seeing each other is 3 days...and this silence and distance from her is really hurting me.

Bingo! she starts talking to her ex and all of a sudden needs space to figure things out because of her family?

Cut her cold. She is totally messing with you.

And yes it will be very hard at first, we've all been there and that is why we are even here having this discussion as strangers, but then it won't be AS bad and then you will feel strong again and won't want her back. It's a process. Don't fight it just accept it but stay focused.

November 1, 2016

There is another guy, and it's her ex.

At six months, you definitely don't know someone as well as you hoped. You're still getting to know the person.

Anyway, I would move on from her. Don't waste your time waiting around..

November 1, 2016

Break up, before she does it, and she will. but when she does it you will be in more pain, I had similar situation as you, when they say "don't know" they already know they are not interested anymore. Break up, go NC. Good luck

November 1, 2016

I struggled almost two weeks waiting for my gf to give me an answer why she wanted to take a break (less guilty way of saying break up?) from our relationship.

I got fed up, gave her a deadline, she still couldn't give me any answer so I stepped it and broke up with her.

I still don't know why the heck she couldn't explain me what is in her head, but it doesn't matter anymore, 'cause I feel way better on nc with her.

November 4, 2016

I met this girl about 6 months ago. At first it was just physical attraction so I didn't want a relationship, but the more I talked to her, the more I started to like her. Eventually we started hanging out every single day, we would text all day long, she would come out with my friends and I would go out with hers.

Things were going great and we both starting to fall for each other...but then I brought up to her that I didn't like that she was still talking to her ex of 5 years, even though they broke up 2 years ago. She told me he's an important person in her life, but something about it kept bothering me. So that would often make us argue, and those arguments would make her feel sad.

Then 2 months ago, her mom and her sister moved back in with her. Her mom is pretty conservative (Indian) and doesn't like that my girl goes out so much. And her sister has lots of drama going on with her life (basically married a guy who she is not happy with and doesn't know what to do about it). So all this situation has been stressing her out a lot...and because of this we haven't had any time to spend alone, which obviously frustrated me a bit. I brought it up to her, but she started telling me she wanted space and time to figure out what she really wanted, but at the same time didn't want to lose me.

I told her I can't keep talking or seeing her if she doesn't feel anything for me anymore. I didn't text her for 3 days, but eventually she texted me saying she missed me a lot, so we decided to meet right away and for 2 hours she just kept hugging me and holding my hands telling me how much she missed me. She said she knows I'm in a "grey situation" and that she feels selfish and bad that I'm going through this, but she is really just trying to figure out what she wants in life and how to deal with the stress she's getting from her family.

In the past few days we made some small conversations and saw each other a bit. Yesterday I told her that she either wants to be with me or she doesn't, and if she doesn't she needs to clearly tell me. She needs to make up her mind. But all she keeps saying is that she doesn't know what she wants and that she's stuck "in the middle" about being with me or not. She also doesn't want to lose me and wants to keep talking. She says she feels bad because she knows she's keeping me hanging in the middle.

I really don't know what to do. Any advice?

I'm glad you've found someone special that reciprocates your feelings. I'm sorry there's so much stress in her life right now to the point that she doesn't know how to proceed in your relationship. I can't imagine how much pressure she must be feeling right now, she must certainly have a lot on her plate. Please, be patient, she needs your support. I'll be praying for all of you.

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My girl keeps saying she doesn't know if she wants to be with me and I'm going crazy

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