Lolagirlxo Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 (edited) So, I've been with my boyfriend going on ten months. When I first met him, he was wonderful: he constantly sent me these loving texts, bought me flowers, took me on dates and complimented me. He always made sure I felt special. He bragged about me to friends, and showed me tons of attention in group settings. And then, slowly he stopped and we started having problems. We broke up because I had a lot of jealousy and trust issues, although I had no reason to. I have been in a severely abusive relationship in the past and that is the only one I've known. My boyfriend was tired of having to prove his loyalty, constantly reassure me and he felt restrained from living his life. I was tired of feeling bad and feeling like it was all my fault every time we had a fight, and feeling like each fight was like a tick off my "points" and was making him feel resentful towards me, making it so I had to constantly "re-prove" myself. Whenever we'd fight, he would make it mostly about me and how I needed to change, but I just figured he was right: I know I'm still traumatized and don't know how to be in a relationship, so I was just constantly feeling guilty. We were apart for a while, and in the meantime, I worked on myself. We met up again, and decided to get back together after a lot of reflection. I was ecstatic, and felt I had tackled a lot of my jealous and trust issues. I just wanted to be with him, and I realized all the little things I had gotten jealous of in the past were ridiculous. We were ecstatic to get back together and made plans on how we'd act differently this time: we would focus on our own lives more (we got way too wrapped up in each other) and focus on DATING more rather than everything being so serious. It was great for like a week and then I felt him getting comfortable again. He rarely compliments me, he is CONSTANTLY on the phone when we spend time together and when we go out to eat, he doesn't plan dates. I feel like I have to try very hard to spend alone time with him (not including sitting and watching tv) because he constantly wants to be around friends and me at the same time. When were in groups of people, he acts like I'm not even there and shows me no attention at all. I especially hate this when I don't know anyone in the group and they're all his friends. I'm usually standing there by myself. Sometimes, he'll give me a little arm rub or try to include me if I look really uncomfortable. He doesn't show me much physical attention unless it's sex. He doesn't send me cute texts, and takes a long time to reply. He does like to spend time with me a lot, and we see each other often. He absolutely will not talk about the future with me. He's very spiritual and lives by "one day at a time," and gets uncomfortable talking about moving in together, being together for a long time, etc. I can't stand this, and I don't talk about it, when I really want to. He says he's young, he wants relationships to be all about fun, and not so serious. Every time we fight, he tells me that he needs an easy relationship. He does tell me loves me often, and he tells me loves me very much. He says he just doesn't want to think about the future. He tells me he has "intimacy issues." When I bring these things up, he says I'm nagging, and he's started to feel restrained, and then I get scared because that's why we broke up last. He acts like I'm absolutely crazy when I say I feel unappreciated. He says he does everything he can to make me feel special and it's never enough. Even when I tell him ways that he could show he appreciates me more, he acts like I'm asking for too much. In social situations, when I bring up that o feel ignored by him, he says I need to take more responsibility for myself socially and strike up more conversations on my own and not rely on him. He says he gives me space to do my own thing and he can't constantly be worshipping me. He says I'm his best friend and he sees me every day so if he wants to be on his phone, he should be able to, just like he would with a friend. I just don't know if I'm crazy and asking for too much and playing the victim, or if there's some validity to what I'm saying. My jealousy has significantly improved, and I have worked hard to make him feel like he able to breathe and be himself and do all the things he was able to do when he was single, like go out with his friends. My jealousy has flared up a couple times lately though because I feel so unappreciated and aomwtimes I just feel like he doesn't even care, which I know annoys him. *sigh* Edited October 31, 2016 by Lolagirlxo
Buddhist Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Imho you do sound needy. Courting behaviour (texts, sweet nothings, extra special attention) is not relationship behaviour. It is a short term thing in order to secure a relationship with someone and there is an expectation that it will end once familiarity with each other is established. Its unrealistic to expect this to go on forever and be the norm in a relationship. The way he is now is his normal relationship behaviour, if you don't like it then you need to move on. He won't change. This is pretty typical of guys in their early 20's btw. 2
preraph Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Honestly, now that the big bad jealousy problem is somewhat alleviated, you are now able to see what is just him, and what is him isn't all that great for you. It's not fun being with someone who doesn't care enough to plan or stay off the phone when you're together. He hasn't got much respect for you. He's not any bargain, girl. Now that you think you have worked on your issues, keep doing that, and then find a better guy! 1
basil67 Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 The whole thing about wooing a girl and then relaxing settling into the relationship is pretty normal. That early stage isn't going to stay like it was. It's a trap for the inexperienced: he's not aware that he should have started out as he intended to continue and you weren't aware that this wooing stage is temporary. A lot of his behaviour sounds pretty normal really, but I will address the main things: * He rarely compliments me, Yep, this will die down. But you said in your other thread that you are fairly confident, so learn to compliment yourself. That said, if you dress up for a night out say to him "how do I look?" and he will tell you that you look great. *he is CONSTANTLY on the phone when we spend time together This is a bit rude. How about telling him to put the phone down in a jokey but firm voice. *and when we go out to eat, he doesn't plan dates. So what? Some of the best nights out can be had when you make it up as you go along. *I feel like I have to try very hard to spend alone time with him (not including sitting and watching tv) because he constantly wants to be around friends and me at the same time. Yet you also say " He does like to spend time with me a lot, and we see each other often". If you want more 1:1 time, plan it with him. When were in groups of people, he acts like I'm not even there and shows me no attention at all. I especially hate this when I don't know anyone in the group and they're all his friends. I'm usually standing there by myself. Sometimes, he'll give me a little arm rub or try to include me if I look really uncomfortable. My husband does this too. I ended up going along to events where his regular friends were and making the effort to get to know them so that I wouldn't be lonely. However, if they are only occasional friends, I would (and still do!) stay home. He doesn't show me much physical attention unless it's sex. Do you ever go up to him and say "gimme a hug". When he does give you physical attention of the type you like, tell him how much you enjoy it. He doesn't send me cute texts, That's normal. and takes a long time to reply. Is he ignoring important messages? Or is he busy and choosing not to respond to unimportant messages? He absolutely will not talk about the future with me. Of course. You're not happy in the relationship, and he knows this. He would be a fool to talk of the future when things look so shaky. He's probably also trying to figure out if he can handle your neediness. And the whole insecurity thing with the ex wouldn't be helping matters. I'm not trying to be mean here. Just giving perspective of what "normal" can be. 3
Author Lolagirlxo Posted November 1, 2016 Author Posted November 1, 2016 Basil, I actually really, really appreciate your honesty. This is exactly what I need, for someone to tell me my behavior is inappropriate. Could I ask you a question in a PM?
Gaeta Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 Lola: I have a different opinion. You have to define what kind of woman you are and search for the right man for you. Some women like a lot of attention and it's ok Some women like tenderness and affection that won't lead to sex and it's ok Some women like getting compliments more than once a year and it's ok You are not abnormal because you enjoy these and want these in your life. All you need to do is find a man that is compatible with your needs. I know plenty of men that have been dating their gf for 1-2-5 years and they are still gentleman, they still plan dates, they still give compliments and affection. THAT'S the type of man you need to find for yourself. I have a brother who's been married for 8 years. He gives his wife compliments each morning, he plans dates with her, he never leaves her alone in a crowd. I have been dating my BF for 1 year, he gets me compliments every single day!! we have a date outside of the house once a week, we have weekends away, we travel outside of town, everywhere we go he opens doors, he drives me to the door, holds my bags, name it. So you leave that joke-of-a-bf and find yourself someone that cares. 2
basil67 Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 Basil, I actually really, really appreciate your honesty. This is exactly what I need, for someone to tell me my behavior is inappropriate. Could I ask you a question in a PM? Yes, you can PM. But you'll get better responses if you stay on the public page. Gaeta also makes excellent points. My post was made with the intention of helping you stay. But perhaps you need a boyfriend who is more attentive? Thing is, you can't change him. If you want to stay with him, find ways of accepting him as he is. But if he really doesn't meet your needs, there's no shame in admitting it and walking away. 3
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 Yes after dating a few months the relationship will settles down and couples enter a routine and some of those fun romantic gestures will stop like cute texts and maybe less compliments but other gestures will remain. Couples will make plans for outing, they'll have date night, they'll plan weekends away, they will keep on doing gestures of kindness and show affection. In OP's case he abandoned all forms of loving gestures and when OP expresses she misses them he dismisses her feelings. I think this man has very little respect for OP. Little respect for her, her feelings, her needs. Needs which are normal relationship needs. 1
BluesPower Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 Gaeta it totally correct. What ever happened to romance. I have treated my FWB's better than he is treating you. Look, you guys are dating and he is treating you like a FB. Why? Because you are probably pretty good in the sack and he is cool with that. Some of the attention calms down after a while, sure. But good grief, you need to find a real BF. IMHO, this is not the way you treat a woman that you care about. He does not really care about you. I am affectionate with every woman that I am with, or I would not be with her. I make her feel special in the dining room and the bed room. Kids these days... 2
Gloria25 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 (edited) Kids these days... Exactly... Both of you have some growing up to do. But really, you're nothing than a blow up doll with a pulse to him...and, all his little nasty behaviors are turning you into an insecure and jealous person. Time to dump this douche nozzle and find you a decent guy. Edited November 2, 2016 by Gloria25 1
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