Controlling/Possessive Behavior

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Have you ever been or currently in a relationship where your partner is possessive or controlling? When did you realize it, how did you deal with it?

If you broke up/separate b/c of it, would you reconcile if you felt your partner had changed? What would you think of that person today in your new relationship?

 

 

Is this behavior typically a male thing?

[eye of the storm]

My xH was controlling. What I wore, my hair/makeup, how I spoke. Wish I could say I dumped him because of it but I was pretty worn down.

 

Prior to him and since him I am pretty independent so a controlling person wouldn't last more than a few dates. Which is odd since I am a sub. My Dom knew that and was ok with me being fiercely independent outside of "bedroom" situations. I was able to relax and trust him because I knew he valued me and my opinions.

 

When my daughter dates someone who is controlling, I remind her of how I used to be. She never wants to be treated like that. She did have one that waited a few months after the breakup and came back with pleas of having changed....he hadn't. But he did do some damage before she got rid of him the second time and now we are dealing with stalking issues.

 

And women can be just a controlling as men.

[mikeylo]

Controlling people don't change. They will find new targets, new ways , they will mellow down for a while. They will rather call you controlling !

 

It is a form of abuse.

[DarrenB]

I'll try to be as blunt as possible, and to not divulge too much.

 

One of my first genuine girlfriends was incredibly insecure and sensitive. Very naive but was very possessive over me and any actions I made whilst I was with her. She would go to any extent to prove this, and to prove that 'she's the one for me'.

 

I realized this when she began mentally and physically abusing me in the early months of our relationship. She would neglect me and visit other males in her vicinity, but would ring me or visit me incredibly upset and depressed. Throughout this 'relationship' she would continuously do this, and would force me to provoke anyone that flirted with her in a provocative way. She would stop me from contacting other females because she thought this was 'promiscuous behavior' towards her and she would leave me if I didn't stop. Back then I was quite sensitive myself, especially with my feelings so I would have struggled to 1) not do so or 2) actually end it with her. For months I had pleaded with her to acknowledge what she was doing, but it always ended with 'anything for you' but straight back to the mischievous ways.

 

I eventually dealt with this after 3 weeks of No Contact with her. I visited her at her home (invited) and we went for a walk along the local shore. I had discussed with her these re-occurring issues we were having but she wouldn't take no for an answer. She was one to self-harm and to hurt herself in any and everyway possible, so after an on-going disagreement I had arranged to meet with her one last time. I met her at hers again and we went for another long walk. She proceeded to enlighten me on the fact she had slept with 5 other people whilst she was with me (two occasions being a threesome/foursome). She begged me to stay with her. Long story short, I declined and she and her brother actually pulled a blunt knife out on me, threatening me to stay with her and I quote 'or else'. At the time I was incredibly self-sufficient and starting to become independent and felt I could stand up for myself. And so I did, and went home still in one piece. Never heard from her again... even to this day.

 

I would never reconcile with someone like that. In my honest opinion, they are dysfunctional, and as a human you can only do so much to help someone, the rest has to be from their own behalf. She essentially had ruined my self-esteem, ego, personality and that is something I can't and will never forget.

 

My most recent relationship... Well haha. I had noticed alot. I was called and insulted as controlling and possessive by my other half on a common basis. I think especially from my own experience, the previous deceit that my other ex had bestowed onto me, I had become increasingly insecure in my most recent R/S. I won't use it as a genuine excuse, more so a reason. Of course it's personal preference, but this is what she thought was 'controlling' and 'manipulative' that I did:

 

1) There were several occasions where I would meet her after she had finished school and she would run to me, scared and feel threatened because people were following her and staring at her. A majority of these occasions I had became aggressive towards these people who had been doing this, like any normal partner/person would do. Not 100% aggression, more so a different tone of voice and a threat to leave her alone and some physical contact. Alot of people, especially in my area are known for groping younger women and doing all sorts, so there's no way I'm going to condone it in anyway, especially towards my girlfriend at the time.

 

2) I would often message, text or ring her maybe 3/4 times in a row if she hasn't messaged me for the entire day, or when she says she will be going out with friends and will message me during the night (rarely ever did). Also taking into consideration she was/is still considered a minor.

 

3) When I visited her after she had school, I'd often question why she would wear her skirt so incredibly high. She would often wear tights, and on occasion thongs. I used to question why would you wear thongs to school? aren't they incredibly revealing? she used to get incredibly defensive when I asked this. In regards to the skirt, she could never answer. Just say 'but they're not'. But, in actual fact, the way she wore them was how you could almost visibly see her butt-cheeks (sorry, don't know what other term to use). After all, you're at school to learn, not to 'impress' other boys and influence them. Especially if you have a loving, caring boyfriend already.

 

4) I would always tell her to be careful where ever she goes, and to message me if anything strange or suspicious occurs. She has a history with deceiving me and her parents, to go to places where she shouldn't. Whenever I asked her where she was when she hadn't updated me, she would assume I would be controlling and not allowing her to do anything she wanted. However, not once had I told her that she could not do anything. I simply just asked she updated me on where she was, so that I didn't have to worry. This was something she failed to do, and evidently made me incredibly insecure and have trust issues in our entire relationship, which has now came to its abrupt ending.

 

Lastly, I think it's assumed to be typical behavior more so from the male. Again it's personal preference, but I would say yes it's more the male to be portrayed that way. I think for alot of males, especially myself, we don't intend to come across controlling or possessive. If we love our other half, and they have a past, or do hasty things then it's simply obvious that we're going to be protective over what we have and don't want to lose. I'd call it more protective than possessive, any day of the week. Unfortunately, it's very rarely seen that way.

Edited November 1, 2016 by DarrenB

[surferchic]

My ex-fiance was possessive and it ultimately led to me ending the relationship. Red flags that I ignored at first were:

 

• He tried occupying literally all of my time from as soon as i got off work until I went to bed
  
• After our 3rd date, he insisted that we spend each and every day together. I allowed him to dictate us not spending one single day apart from one another...literally.... until I went out of town to visit my family.and even then he'd daddy things to try and get me to refocus my attn on him.
  After one month, he proposed and I actually accepted the ring.
  
• Each time I ever changed my hair he'd act like he had a problem with me not telling him first. Then like a day or 2 later he would do something to change his appearance in some way,e.g. hair cut, beard, mustache, etc....it was really weird.
  
• He fussed me out "as he drove us home" one night. screaming nearly to the top of his lungs. He was upset because I had to work late with one of the male "adolescents" I work with. I'M IN SOCIAL WORK for goodness sakes! He yelled dating he didn't wane me alone when any guys ..."you're MY woman!".
  
• He'd blame things on me that were clearly not my fault. Over time, this type of blame can cause you to second guess everything about yourself...
  
• He wanted me to cover almost every inch of my body to avoid attending from other men. Once, when I decided to appease him in this crazy expectation...we are out and I was dressed almost as modestly as I'd ever dressed,almost nun-like...a guy still hit on me right in front of my exfiance 's face. Needless to say he still got upset.
  
• He would check my cell phone while I was sleep ,as he'd walk over to load me goodbye each and every morning as he went to work. Once or twice he'd look me square in the face and repeat a phrase that he'd seen in my text messages.
  
• He'd fly off the handle for no reason. In retrospect, I realize it's because he'd be upset about either some guy calling or texting me. He couldn't tell me why he was upset because then he'd have to disclose the fact that he'd been snooping through my phone. His ego wouldn't allow him to do that.
  
• Early in our remained he mentioned once that he was upset by me mentioning another ex in conversation, but he knew I'd he told me it would make him look stupid. He was honest them, but as things kept happening, he decided to keep his thoughts to himself to avoid exposing his real insecurities.
  

 

He was immature in lots of ways,although he was older than me. Looking back, I initially thought these red flags were "cute". Then i realized that was just a sign that my picker was off and that there was an unhealthy part of me that actually stayed with him during that time because he made me feel needed and "safe", in a twisted way...even while he was being emotionally abusive.

 

I heard someone mention "trauma bonding". It's real. It's been almost 2 years and I'm JUST getting over painfully missing him and feeling guilty for wanting to leave him(because I knew how much it hurt him). Yes, he would try to correct/modify his behavior sometimes, but he'd soon revert back to his controlling and passive aggressive ways...

Edited November 1, 2016 by surferchic

[Gaeta]

My ex-husband was controlling. We were married 15 years. Over those 15 years I left him 4 times. The 4th one being the last time. He always said he'd change and he never. We even went to counseling and he never changed.

 

After our divorce he met a woman and soon this woman called me asking for a private conversation with me. She wanted to know if my ex had been controlling during our marriage because she was having a real hard time with him.

 

See, he was controlling at 20yo, 30yo, and when he turned 50yo with her he was still the same controlling and manipulative man.

[preraph]

It manifests differently in men and women and men seem more like they think they're entitled to be controlling of women.

 

You don't stay with a controlling overly jealous man because if you do, your life and the lives of your children will be MISERABLE. They will always be like this. It is their problem, but they will try to act like it's your fault. Please cut bait and run.

[Herbalist]

Both men and women can be controlling/possessive in a relationship. I have seen it it plenty of women as well not just men, and I have seen it in straight couples and gay couples as well. It is a personality issue rather than a gender or orientation issue.

 

For example I used to work with a lesbian woman who seemed like a pretty cool person and often invited me to hang out as just friends in public places because we got along pretty well, but I always politely declined because her girlfriend was a raging jealous lunatic who might try to fight me. Sometimes this girlfriend would even show up at work during the day and stalk my coworker and a couple of times she even went into a rage in the parking lot. My coworker could basically have no friends because of how possessive and paranoid her crazy girlfriend was. I thought my coworker was cool but I wasn't going to deal with that drama.

 

My mother is another example of a controlling/possessive woman. She controls her husband's entire life. His money, who he is allowed to have on his FaceBook, what he is allowed to talk about at dinner, everything. I don't know if they have some sort of low key D/s relationship or what but they've been together for over 10 years and he is basically her man-pet and his leash is short.

 

I personally would not be with someone who is very controlling and possessive. People with narcissistic anger problems are a total turn off to me. Would just be a big bunch of NOPE.

[Miss Peach]

My XH was controlling and jealous. It had a lot to do with why I filed for divorce.

 

IMO it occurs in both sexes but it might manifest differently. It's usually underpinned by insecurity.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

My XH was controlling and jealous. It had a lot to do with why I filed for divorce.

 

IMO it occurs in both sexes but it might manifest differently. It's usually underpinned by insecurity.

 

Can you share some of things he did both maybe passively or aggressively relating to his controlling behavior?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

My ex-husband was controlling.

 

 

 

Can you share some examples?

[Gaeta]

* would give me the silent treatment for days.

 

* he would leave with my car keys so l don't leave the house.

 

* he would get jealous when men looked at me.

 

* if he felt l had been talking on phone long enough he would pull the wire off the wall.

 

*he would threat me with financial and emotional blackmail.

[SammySammy]

Women do it too.

 

I have an ex who tried that with me. Saying she was "jealous" and trying to manipulate me into being unreasonably controlled by her "jealousy" and "anxiety".

 

I saw through it right away. Let her know under no uncertain terms that it was not going to work on me. That she wasn't going to be able to manipulate me by acting out and blaming it on "jealousy" or any other emotion.

 

She kept trying for about three weeks or a month before she gave up and started to relate to me as an adult.

 

This is one of those things you have to nip in the bud. Recognize manipulative behavior early and address it right away. Or end the relationship. Because if you let it fester it's going to destroy the relationship anyway. Might as well deal with it up front.

[surferchic]

I saw through it right away. Let her know under no uncertain terms that it was not going to work on me. That she wasn't going to be able to manipulate me by acting out and blaming it on "jealousy" or any other emotion.

 

Good post.

 

But even if a person DID blame their behavior on jealousy, etc...that's still not good. Jealousy, especially in excess..is what drives people to do some crazy stuff. My exfiance and many other people's exs' to name a few.

 

Is jealousy ok with you?

[callmesally]

I feel like jealousy happens and is a natural emotion ,within reason.

 

When people start taking it overboard then it becomes a real problem, IMO