smile95 Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 what possible reason could there be that I cannot let go? If someone is not interested in your life, never asks about your day, never seems concerned, always busy, never makes time to see you, etc....then why in the world do I love him still?????? I am thinking part of the reason is that we were LD and when I saw him, it was fun and we ate and drank and laughed and had fun. It was like mini-vacations. Well, that is not real life. I keep thinking"But we have so much fun together". THose trips are not real life. I think "real life" is what I got on the phone on a daily basis. That was the real him. I keep saying that I love him and I know that he does not treat me right. How do I separate the mini vacations in my head from real life? Does that sound like it is a possible reason I cannot let go? I am holding onto something so great in my head and it is not really him?
freebird Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 A new man Beth - perhaps one that treats you WELL and RESPECTS you will banish all thought of the who doesn't deserve you. Trust me, it works. It happened to me. Alas, I am SINGLE, but I enjoy it. It's given me my voice back and my self-respect. But, like Whitney Houston said in the movie "Waiting to Exhale" - "once you get treated well, you can't go back to bullsh**t" rings true. All women should see that movie- it was so true! Good luck girl!
Author smile95 Posted July 11, 2005 Author Posted July 11, 2005 Never saw that movie! I will rent it.....thanks Is it normal to think that I will never love again? I just wish that I could hate him. After all he has done to me, I just can't for some reason? I really think that I became too reliant on his calls and that has messed up my head. i accpeted his crumbs and would even be excited to get a text once ina few days. I cannot wait to experience love how it is supposed to be.
freebird Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 You can't let go because you have never given any other man a try...trust me on that one. Plus, a lot of it is habit, not wanting to move out of your comfort zone - even if that comfort zone makes you feel sad, unworthy and ignored. I know this, I DID it. I would take whatever free time worked for HIS life and HIS schedule. He was a total selfish ass! He made me feel I was lucky just to "fit into" his busy life. I started despising myself for allowing myself to be treated so badly AND I was bored to tears! I guess I really say what a jerk he was when he told me one Saturday morning that he did not want to spend time on the relationship, that he didn't want to get married nor did he love me. He wasn't sure he ever loved any woman and that is when I saw he had issues. He had low-self esteem and it started rubbing off on me. My friends said I was a much happier person and started glowing after I got rid of him! they were right. This jerk also never had anything nice to say to me either. He always made me feel unattractive and had the nerve to tell me I should lose 10lbs and I was 5'7 and 135lbs!! I say good F***ng riddens!! To this day, he is still alone, still single and probably still bitter!!
Author smile95 Posted July 11, 2005 Author Posted July 11, 2005 I would take whatever free time worked for HIS life and HIS schedule. He was a total selfish ass! He made me feel I was lucky just to "fit into" his busy life. I started despising myself for allowing myself to be treated so badly AND I was bored to tears! I could have written that!!!!! OMG How did you get out? I am so used to crumbs(cute remark about the cake), it seems normal. I know I deserve more, but sadly, I am so used to being miserable that misery must be comfortable for me? The only difference is Ilove him and he still tells me he loves me, just never shows it. That is the problem
Marshbear Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Is it normal to think that I will never love again? I just wish that I could hate him. After all he has done to me, I just can't for some reason? After a break up it is normal to think you will never feel that way again. You can't hate him because you still believe that you will get back together. Believe me, when you get to the point that you know it's over you will hate him for what he put you through. Make a list of the pro's and con's of your relationship. Then put it somewhere that you can see it each and every day. You will begin to realize that he was not the perfect guy you can't let go of. Then you will be able to forget him and move on to find someone worthy of your love. peace...
RecordProducer Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 I think when you see each other in person it's more the real him than on the phone when you're apart. But if he doesn't want to be with you then I guess there's nothing you can do. Everyone has imperfections and we can accept them or try to smoothen their rough edges, but there is one imperfection we can't do anything about: lack of love.
Author smile95 Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 he claims to love me to death...his action lack that proof.
RecordProducer Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Does he show his love when you're together in person?
Author smile95 Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 yes -A lot...he is great in person. .....problem......I have seen him probably 4 times since jan 2004. We were together 3 yrs. And a lot of those times were for work and I went with him to an event. He is very very busy with work now. One of the reasons his wife left I hear.
freebird Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 PLEASE READ THIS BOOK: Men Who CAn't Love by Steven Carter- it's cheap on Amazon - they have used copies. IF you can't get it, I'll BUY it for you!! I wish to hell somebody told me about this book sooner in life. Yes, it even covers men who say they love you, but don't really love you. The guy who wrote it sounds like my ex and your current BF or whatever he is. If he can't make the time for you - that is saying alot - alot you probably do not want to think about - but think about it! He probably tells you he loves you because it's easier than NOT telling you, plus, he might really want to "keep you around". But, I don't believe women were put on this earth to be at a man's beck and call !! Aristotle Onassis once said...without women, men wouldn't give a damn about money and power...tis true my darling! Try and date other men - you are so used to being miserable you dont' know any other way to be - but why stay there?
RecordProducer Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Beth, I honestly don't see a problem. People get tired of talking on the phone and chatting in messenger programs. You've been together for 3 years. There is so much you can talk on the phone after 3 years. The real question is what's next. Is he talking about marriage? Three years of LDR is hard. It's time for you to sh*t or get off the pot, I think.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 yes -A lot...he is great in person. .....problem......I have seen him probably 4 times since jan 2004. We were together 3 yrs. And a lot of those times were for work and I went with him to an event. He is very very busy with work now. One of the reasons his wife left I hear. There's no such thing as being so busy you can't call someone "you love to death". It was the exact same thing with me. I kept giving myself all the excuses in the world, trying to somehow understand that he was so busy he couldn't call me for 2 minutes. And when I realized it was in his hands, that he could choose to be how busy he was, I was insulted, infuriated and shocked. I believe everyone can choose the amount of time they're really, really busy, unless he/she is a chained slave. It was just his lack of motivation to contact me, rather he was running away from it. Scared of something, God only knows what. He might be busy with work, div. proceedings, pulling out weeds in the garden, washing his car....ad nauseum....it's still his choice to not contact you. He doesn't have that urge to contact you, that surge of anticipation. When he does, it's mind games. It was the same case with me....I knew he didn't want to commit, didn't want to get married, didn't know where the f%^& was his relationship with me going ....he told me that. And yet, I hung on....and in the end, he said "I do not wish to talk or meet anymore. I'm done with everything". And now I'm left with this feeling of shattered self-esteem, wasted efforts and a LOT of hurt. To top it all, he made it seem like I was the control-freak. Please, don't let him do that to YOU. You still have the chance to move away from him, please do so. This kind of people have a major issue...I just haven't managed to find the name of that disorder yet! This kind of behavior is almost abusive, it's mental torture for the other party! What they do is NOT normal, no way. And they're NEVER gonna realize that either.
Author smile95 Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 And when I realized it was in his hands, that he could choose to be how busy he was, I was insulted, infuriated and shocked. THis is me. I tend to think he is a Narcissist. Or has traits of one. I am struggling with the part where I have to accept that he may not love me. What the hell is this if it has been 3 yrs. That is what I have to do. Accept that we do not feel the same anymore. Well, he does not. It is hard to beleive that he does not and that is somehow what I need to do. I hurt so much. I know once I realize that he did not love me very much, I will hurt more. I am putting it off to avoid that feeling. Thanks everyone!
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted July 13, 2005 Posted July 13, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 THis is me. I tend to think he is a Narcissist. Or has traits of one. I am struggling with the part where I have to accept that he may not love me. What the hell is this if it has been 3 yrs. Definitely, narcissist he is. You know what? About the love part...I've come to believe that you can say "I love you" for a hundred different purposes...you wouldn't believe all the manipulation people do just by that one sentence! It's used to pacify, avoid an issue, make themselves feel good, get an "i love you" from you, hide an obvious lie...etc etc. It's the most misused phrase these days. Of course, there are times when people who say "I love you" and mean it - but it's more often out of habit. The best gauge is the persons actions. They do indeed speak louder than words. Mine never even told me that he loved me for more than 2 years...I waited and waited...and then I finally had to tell him that he couldn't even say those 3 words?! It was embarrassing for him.... Don't get disheartened to let yourself believe that he loved / loves you. It was more of self-love, believe me. He needed a change in his life, someone to talk to, and you provided that. When he realized that the relationship actually required more than just thinking about himself, he couldn't accept it. Because the entire reason for the relationship, from his side, was a form of self-satisfaction. So, he never really loved you. Neither did mine. People who "love" do not behave this way. He might have deluded himself into believing he does, but that's only because he doesn't want to admit to himself how self-centered he is!!
Author smile95 Posted July 13, 2005 Author Posted July 13, 2005 You are so right. He loved me to the best of his ability and his definition of love. He is so self centered that it makes me sick. YOu are right, when he calls, it was all about him. Not me.All about his day. not mine. It is hard to admit, since I DID love him. But, it is easier to accept this knowing that he does not loveanyone in his life more than he loves himslef. I am glad I am seeing this now. I am glad we were LD or I would have married him after 6 months. thanks!
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