wmacbride Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Why is it that some second wives can't seem to let go of the hatred and jealousy of their husband's first wife? I don't get it. Why should she even matter anymore? I understand that they may not wish to be friends or even friendly, but most seem to be able to work out some sort of "relationship" that works, even if that just means they ignore each other and go about their lives. It's the ones where the second wife can't seem to speak about the first wife without the venom dripping that I can't understand. It's so strange, as in one breath, they will claim she doesn't matter, but in the next, they are running her down in any way they can. Lots of people have someone they don't like, but they don't feel a need to constantly bring that person into any conversation, even if it's barely relevant. It gets to a point where it crosses from griping to ridiculous. My best guess at why they are like this is jealousy, envy and insecurity in their marriage. Either that or they are desperately insecure in themselves, and trying to hide it. As I said above,most first and second wives that I've come across are able to find some way to co-exist peacefully, but not all of them. 1
MJJean Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 My exH's wife has never met me. She has never even spoken to me. We've never even lived in the same state. She hates me and the reason is quite simple. ExH has told her I am the devil incarnate. From her POV, I am the soulless c-word who grievously wronged her sweet and innocent soulmate for years. She's not jealous or insecure, she's just an idiot who thinks I am the reason her darling husband can't keep a job, lies about lying, is physically abusive, cheats on her, etc. Everything she likes about him is in spit of me and everything she hates is because of me. I'm evil. 8
mikeylo Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 It's because if the first wife and her husband had not divorced, then the second wife wouldn't have to deal with this man! 7
stillafool Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I never even think about my husband's ex wife. I doubt she thinks of me either as she is married. I can't say that any of my friends are bothered by their husbands exes either. 4
Patrice Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 interest in him OR her. I met her briefly at my son's graduation from medical school. The plan was for the ex to take him out before the ceremony. And after the ceremony, I was taking him out with his friends to celebrate. The Ex and she appeared after anyway, she introduced herself - I said nice to meet you, and told my son I was going to get the car. I simply walked away. I found it odd that she would feel the need to intrude on my private time with my son. Ballsy chick. Then again my Ex is a piece of work anyway, so they probably deserve eachother. 3
DKT3 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 My exH's wife has never met me. She has never even spoken to me. We've never even lived in the same state. She hates me and the reason is quite simple. ExH has told her I am the devil incarnate. From her POV, I am the soulless c-word who grievously wronged her sweet and innocent soulmate for years. She's not jealous or insecure, she's just an idiot who thinks I am the reason her darling husband can't keep a job, lies about lying, is physically abusive, cheats on her, etc. Everything she likes about him is in spit of me and everything she hates is because of me. I'm evil. I guessing that she sees in him a connection to you still. Indifference is indifference, if he is still whining about you it's because there is still a flame burning even if dim. I believe some second wives struggle with the connection, usually kids are involved that keeps him forever connected. Even if she has kids and a ex of her own, they can sometimes be unreasonably insecure about the situation, and sometimes as I said the still burning connection is obvious to her. 3
Popsicle Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Well, he was pretty upset about our breakup so he's less open now and sort of punishes her because if the pain I caused him. She is polite though and so am I. Also we have children together so I'm still around to a certain degree so I know that must be irritating too. 3
Author wmacbride Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 My brother's second wife, who was his former ow, was one of the ones who was full of venom for his first wife. She and his first wife had spoken many times, and had met one another while he was still married to wife number one. She and my brother still got along quite well, and even though he was an absolute jerk to her, they were able to work through that and could be civil to one another. He also paid for her to go back to school, bought a house for her, etc. because, as he put it, she was the mother of his children, and if he helped her, he helped them. As far as I know, he never said anything bad about her to his second wife,and he would often say that she was a good person but they wanted different things in life. His second wife was present when that was said. His second wife was quite obnoxious about the whole situation. She would run his first wife down to anyone who would listen. I never understood that, and couldn't understand what she thought it would accomplish. They ended up divorcing. 1
Popsicle Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Oh, well with an OW situation, there is going to be venom just because of the two-timing situation. That's something extra. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I think in a lot of cases the husband fuels it. It's one thing to tell the relational history, but another altogether to paint someone as an ongoing succubus that is coming for your soul. I think the second wife may end up feeling very defensive of her mate or conversely jealous of the first wife because he has history, children etc etc etc with her. 6
cocorico Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I believe some second wives struggle with the connection, usually kids are involved that keeps him forever connected. I know this is a sticking point for many second wives. There are whole books written about this. In my own situation, I knew my xH's xW before I knew him - she was the sister of a close friend, when I was a student. I got to know him as (xW)'s xH, and (their daughter)'s father. I used to babysit sometimes for the daughter, and she was instrumental in me and her father getting together. I finished studying and left the university town, he found a job in my home city and followed me. We got serious, moved in together, later got married. I got to know xW in a while new light, then. Perhaps she felt abandoned when xH moved to my city, IDK, but she'd have panic attacks and phone him about imagined fears - what if the 300-year-old house collapsed at night while she and daughter were sleeping? What if the brakes failed on her car as she was driving daughter to playschool? What if the people from the poor neighbourhood rioted and burned them alive in the house? He'd have to calm her down, suggest she speak to her therapist, he psychiatrist, her doctor, her boyfriend - who was often sleeping next to her, unaware. She'd call xH every time the grass needed mowing, the lightbulb needed replacing, or a spider moved into the house. If he refused to drive 30 miles immediately to mow the grass / replace the lightbulb / remove the spider, she'd simply lock up that part of the house, or keep the child out of the garden ("snakes hide in long grass"), and avoid it until he came out to sort it. Her BF got tired of all that and dumped her (she'd yelled at him once for replacing a lightbulb - the fitting was slightly bent and it had to be done _just so_ - and he'd suggested replacing the fitting...). I wrote her a letter (this was long before email) explaining how difficult it was for my then-H to rush off to her every time she saw a spider, when he was doing his bit looking after a newborn, holding down a demanding job, and all the other stuff he had to do around our house, and there was a real aha! moment. As though she suddenly recognised he had other responsibilities to another family, not just to his daughter (who was with us some of the time, with her the rest of the time) and, by extension to her. She stopped calling all the time, instead calling the new BF. They got M and later moved, but it was a real turning point. We're still friendly on FB, and often spend time together with (their daughter) when she's in my home city. She's still in touch with xH, too, and a lot more willing to cut him slack than I am
Got it Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I don't know of any situations where this happens in my life. Everyone is neutral/indifferent to positive. Potentially my ex uncle and his second wife towards my aunt. But my aunt is a narcissist and an anti social personality so there is good reason. The women is a reincarnate of Mommy Dearest. 1
l8estnews Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 My brother's second wife, who was his former ow, was one of the ones who was full of venom for his first wife. She and his first wife had spoken many times, and had met one another while he was still married to wife number one. She and my brother still got along quite well, and even though he was an absolute jerk to her, they were able to work through that and could be civil to one another. He also paid for her to go back to school, bought a house for her, etc. because, as he put it, she was the mother of his children, and if he helped her, he helped them. As far as I know, he never said anything bad about her to his second wife,and he would often say that she was a good person but they wanted different things in life. His second wife was present when that was said. His second wife was quite obnoxious about the whole situation. She would run his first wife down to anyone who would listen. I never understood that, and couldn't understand what she thought it would accomplish. They ended up divorcing. Wow, this is the BEST Ending I have ever read in LS. Seriously . 2
MJJean Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 (edited) I guessing that she sees in him a connection to you still. Indifference is indifference, if he is still whining about you it's because there is still a flame burning even if dim. I believe some second wives struggle with the connection, usually kids are involved that keeps him forever connected. Even if she has kids and a ex of her own, they can sometimes be unreasonably insecure about the situation, and sometimes as I said the still burning connection is obvious to her. You'd really have to know him and our former marriage to get it. There was no personal connection. We were FWB's, I got pregnant due to a birth control failure, we got married to "do the right thing" and both of us were having affairs the whole time. Yes, we did have two children. However, there wasn't a bond there, either. ExH had limited involvement with the kids when we were living together, which turned into occasional involvement for a few hours here and there, which turned into him moving out of state a few months after the divorce and having nothing to do with the kids for over a decade. No calls, no cards, no support, no visits...nothing. ExH is over $250,000.000 in child support arrears for the two kids he had before he met me and the two from our marriage. He hasn't had a job in over 8 years and is fully supported by his mother. They had two children together, aged 8 and 6 iirc, and those children were removed from the home permanently in January of last year and are in foster care. Rather than accept exH is and always has been a total POS, as evidenced by the same behavior before, during, and after our miserable marriage, I think it's easier for both of them to blame me. Edited October 31, 2016 by MJJean
Author wmacbride Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 Wow, this is the BEST Ending I have ever read in LS. Seriously . maybe it is. I love my brother, but there are some things he does that i don't like at all. I tried to be kind to his ow/ex wife, but it didn't make any difference. She is who she is. Observing her around other people, she's like a chameleon, able to change her personality based on who she is with. It's weird. I'm guessing there is something to her I didn't see that my brother did. She is a very focused and successful businesswoman, and can be very outgoing and personable-maybe that's what he saw. maybe she was really different when they were alone together and she let her guard down.
Gloria25 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 In most cases it's the whole "deflecting blame", pettiness, insecurities and just peeing on one's territory. I know of a friend of a friend. I personally am not a fan of hers. Anywho, she was a OW, and despite the WS cheating on her and the BS while he was still married - she was convinced that his BS was the problem. Well, she convinced WS to divorce and marry her and not only does he cheat with other women, BS fools around with him to get back at OW. All of them are idiots. The OW, now turned BS, seems to love the drama. Some women are silly like that. When I hear a lot of stepmom/dad stories - regardless if there was an affair or not - seems like incoming spouse wants to obliterate any mention of an ex. I had a gf who remarried and her husband told her to remove all pictures of jer kids and he put up pics of his family. Some people remarrt to sad, insecure and/or controlling people. 1
Buddhist Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Could it be that the husband has spent a lot of time telling stories about what a witch she is, in order to justify why it ended? Of course the current partner is going to side with their SO and probably not be as critically assessing of the situation as they should be. 3
Author wmacbride Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 Could it be that the husband has spent a lot of time telling stories about what a witch she is, in order to justify why it ended? Of course the current partner is going to side with their SO and probably not be as critically assessing of the situation as they should be. I'm sure that can and does happen. I'm going back tot he best example I know of personally,and I never heard my brother say anything bad about his fist wife, including in front of his second wife. In fact, he would say nice things, including that she was a good person and she had treated him well, but they just weren't suited to each other. One of the oddest parts of the situation is that my first sister in law has been in a long term dating relationship with a good friend of my brother's second wife's brother ( weird, I know) so she would have heard about her from him as well.
Got it Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 I'm sure that can and does happen. I'm going back tot he best example I know of personally,and I never heard my brother say anything bad about his fist wife, including in front of his second wife. In fact, he would say nice things, including that she was a good person and she had treated him well, but they just weren't suited to each other. One of the oddest parts of the situation is that my first sister in law has been in a long term dating relationship with a good friend of my brother's second wife's brother ( weird, I know) so she would have heard about her from him as well. This is really just speculation as you would have to ask her why she acted the way she did/does. We can all surmise that is not for positive reasons that one says negative things about another, no? Some people are more jealous than others and tend to get jealous more easily. I see that as insecurity and weakness in themselves so the more complex/grey a situation is, the more likely their jealousy is amplified. Myself, I have always been a bit baffled by jealousy/possessiveness/envy, etc. I don't experience it very often and don't think I have since college. Either way some people see those niggling feelings a reason to look inward and address their feelings and others see it as a need to reflect out and address the objects/people who are reflecting the feelings.
aileD Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 Maybe a little jealousy of the fact that she came first, was the first one their H loved enough to marry and spend "forever" with. Jealous of that shared history because it's something that can't be undone no matter how H feels about the ex now.
Miss Peach Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 My exH's wife has never met me. She has never even spoken to me. I have no idea why but my XH's wife is the same way. She's never met or spoken to me. She did message me on OLD before meeting my XH. I don't get it too.
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