BluesPower Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I looked over some of your other posts. And so you know, I am both a BS and a really, really bad WS or I was. First, telling his wife will not make him come back to you, you have to understand that. Second, you have to know by now that he was in it for the extra sex. Not that he does not care for you, or like you, but he does not love you the way that you love him. Third, have you decided to divorce your husband yet? If the marriage is broken, and the affair is really over, it may be time to make a break and find true love somewhere else with someone else, not your husband and not you xMM. I have not reread all of your other threads, so some of what I say may be redundant. Let me relate some of my journey in hopes that it may make things clear for you. Now, understand that I have been a really horrible person in the past and I have really hurt a lot of women like you. I bear a lot of guilt for what I have done, but I think I am becoming a better person because of the guilt and the pain I have for it. My marriage was really bad, my wife, I recently found out, was a drug addict for 20 years of our 26 year marriage. None of these are excuses for what I have done they are just back ground. I actually loved and still love my wife, and if she had not gotten sober I would have divorced her. But even with all of that, I would not have stayed with any of my other women, because I did not love them. I liked all of them if different ways, cared for all of them in different ways, but I was in it for the sex. Most MM are, and the overwhelming majority of them lie to their other women and tell them they love them, which I did not do, but most of them still fell in love with me regardless. What I am trying to say is, there was never anything there for your xMM except for sex, and he probably never had any intentions of leaving his wife. So if you want the affair to stay over, tell his wife. She has a right to know. If you want to work on your marriage, tell his wife. It will make sure that this affair says over, and it will give you the space to work on your marriage. But you work with him I think, and that will make it harder for you if you tell his wife. And, your husband will find out sooner or later if he does not already know. So you have to deal with that. However, if you want to divorce your husband and stay out of the affair and start a new life, what difference does it make if you tell his wife or not?
Cyra Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Seems the OW only want the wife to know after they get dumped. I understand the anger but it's none of your business anymore what their marriage is or isn't or if he lies to her. You're just trying to find a way to keep in the drama, keep him in your life, and you hope that it will drive him out of the marriage and back to you Which it won't. It will only prolong your pain and suffering. Take a deep breath and start focusing on fixing YOU. All that other stuff is just a distraction from working on yourself and getting yourself HEALTHY. I dont think OP wants to tell so that she can get him back. If so then i agree itd never work What i understood is that she doesnt think he should get to go on as if nothing has happened
JewelD Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Why is the situation suddenly unfair since he gets to go home and be with his wife? Was it not already unfair from the beginning when he was able to have sex with his wife and have sex with you at the same time without actually committing to you? Don't see the point in telling since you have been doing it for 5 years and the only reason you're not doing it now is because he doesn't want you anymore. But if he were to show up on your doorstep you'd continue the affair. So if you want to tell her, be completely honest and say that you've been screwing her husband for five years and that you want to continue doing it if he'll allow it. It's "unfair" that he wants to do the right thing and work on his marriage? As if he was a better man for cheating on his wife with you. Smh 7
aileD Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 (edited) I dont think OP wants to tell so that she can get him back. If so then i agree itd never work What i understood is that she doesnt think he should get to go on as if nothing has happened By destroying his wife and marriage that is getting better? Sounds like "getting back at him". She wants to inflict the same pain she has on him. Does he deserve it? Yes. Is it healthy for her? NO No. She had five years to tell the wife. It's not her job anymore to get involved in their marriage. She needs to work on being healthy for herself and drawing herself back into his circle is going to backfire. He's going to blame it all on her. The wife is going to blame it all on her, he's going to further diminish what she was to him, if anything and it's going to crush her soul more and more. Maybe the wife will out her to EVERYONE. Then she's an outcast and just more To Op...you got out....stay out to save yourself. A year from now you could be happy again and find someone single who respects you...or you can still be doing this soul killing dance with MM and the wife he is NEVER GOING TO LEAVE Edited November 12, 2016 by aileD 4
aileD Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I'm hurt. I feel rejected, and he just gets to carry on with her with no consequences. Honestly I feel he will do it again with someone else. I don't think. All of a sudden he learned his lesson. He has certain avoidance and personality characteristics that make him vulnerable and I don't believe all the problems in his marriage are suddenly gone. They go through good patches and really bad ones and I don't see that changing. Not your business anymore. Worry about your own healing. All marriages go through good and bad patches.
Author Savannah2 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 I know I'm just feeling rejected and insecure. I look at his wife's picture and I think she's so much prettier than me if only I had green eyes he would want to stay with me. And then I start to wonder if she's putting out more at home and is she better in bed? Just constant comparing and putting myself down because he chose to leave this for his marriage
aileD Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I know I'm just feeling rejected and insecure. I look at his wife's picture and I think she's so much prettier than me if only I had green eyes he would want to stay with me. And then I start to wonder if she's putting out more at home and is she better in bed? Just constant comparing and putting myself down because he chose to leave this for his marriage I know it sucks. It hurts. It's not fair. But do you hear yourself? Why do you think so low of yourself? He used you. And you're thinking you aren't good enough for HIM? No. you are better then him. You aren't someone to be used. You need to see this affair for what it was. You say they have good and bad patches in their marriage. The affair was just a bad patch in their marriage. You are worth more than to settle for being a bad patch in someone else's relationship. The sooner you start seeing him for what he is, the sooner you will be able to move on With not contact at all from him and some talk therapy, six months from now you could be adjusting just fine and Never settle for less than you're worth Look in the mirror and love yourself. You're just having a bad day. You'll have a lot more of them if you continue to keep him in your life. One day at a time. You WILL be ok 1
Cyra Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 By destroying his wife and marriage that is getting better? Sounds like "getting back at him". She wants to inflict the same pain she has on him. Does he deserve it? Yes. Is it healthy for her? NO Getting back at him yes certainly, sorry I thought you meant she wanted to do it to get him back into the A.
Ruffian1 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Yes. She does have a right to know. Wouldn't you want to know what your H was doing? Of course you would. However, don't do it out of your hurt and humiliation and revenge. Take some time to heal. Get your self-esteem back. Get your head back on straight. Then, in a authentic, gentle way, tell her, show her who she is really married to. Have evidence to show. Apologize for your part. Do it only because it is the right thing to do. Can you get to that? treating someone as you would like to be treated, to the truth. She has been deceived, just as you have been. 2
stillafool Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I'm hurt. I feel rejected, and he just gets to carry on with her with no consequences. Honestly I feel he will do it again with someone else. I don't think. All of a sudden he learned his lesson. He has certain avoidance and personality characteristics that make him vulnerable and I don't believe all the problems in his marriage are suddenly gone. They go through good patches and really bad ones and I don't see that changing. All marriages go through good patches and really bad ones. That's part of marriage. Sorry he rejected you but maybe he really has fallen back in love with his wife. 2
eye of the storm Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Savannah, I am sorry you are hurting. What you are going thru sucks so badly. I wouldn't contact her. for a couple of reasons. You will get blow back. Both of them will turn on you and go on the attack. And then you will be dealing with that in addition to trying to heal. Also, trying to get back at him by telling the wife only keeps you in the situation. Because do you honestly believe you can just drop that bomb and not stick around to see the damage. Also, you are not telling in order to heal and move on. You are only telling so you can spread the pain to more people. He has dumped you multiple times in the past and you always hung on waiting for him to come back. If you are honest, you are not telling because she "needs to know", you are telling because you hope she dumps him and then you are back in the running again. You knowingly had the A. You were totally ok with her not knowing as long as it benefited you. Walk away, heal, learn, move on, make better choices. Work on you. Revenge only keeps us tied to the people we are trying to punish. 7
stillafool Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 If you do tell her be advised that at first she will be pissed but after he lies about how you have done nothing but throw yourself at him and he was caught in a moment of weakness she will believe him. They will them turn on you and in the end will be closer. 1
elaine567 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 She has been deceived, just as you have been. Yes, she can tell the wife and blow up the marriage. BUT this is more about sour grapes than anything else - revenge and bitterness and a desire to have them both pay dearly for how bad Savannah is now feeling. I am not sure how "deceived" Savannah has actually been. She knew his marriage was not bad, she knew from day one he didn't actually love her and he loves his wife. She knew he was a cake eater. Savannah has tolerated the no kissing, blow jobs and the quickie sex at work for years, and watched from the sidelines as he "wined and dined" his beloved wife. Savannah has been the perfect OW. Had she told the wife 5 years ago when he made is first move on her then that would have been a different story altogether. 6
goodyblue Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Yes, she can tell the wife and blow up the marriage. BUT this is more about sour grapes than anything else - revenge and bitterness and a desire to have them both pay dearly for how bad Savannah is now feeling. I am not sure how "deceived" Savannah has actually been. She knew his marriage was not bad, she knew from day one he didn't actually love her and he loves his wife. She knew he was a cake eater. Savannah has tolerated the no kissing, blow jobs and the quickie sex at work for years, and watched from the sidelines as he "wined and dined" his beloved wife. Savannah has been the perfect OW. Had she told the wife 5 years ago when he made is first move on her then that would have been a different story altogether. I agree with all you said except one thing: I don't believe he loves his wife. I don't believe you do that to someone you love. A five year affair? Nope. He may love his house, his kids, his financial situation staying the same but he does not love his wife 1
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I'm hurt. I feel rejected, and he just gets to carry on with her with no consequences. Honestly I feel he will do it again with someone else. I don't think. All of a sudden he learned his lesson. He has certain avoidance and personality characteristics that make him vulnerable and I don't believe all the problems in his marriage are suddenly gone. They go through good patches and really bad ones and I don't see that changing. Your suffering is on you. You chose this, over and over again. Part of your consequence of having an affair is what you're feeling. It's NOT up to YOU to decide HIS consequences. Also, you have NO idea what his marriage truly is like behind closed doors, don't guess. Detach, for your own sanity. Focus on grieving, and get help since you let this man devastate and ruin your life. Counseling so you can heal in a healthy way and move on. 3
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I agree with all you said except one thing: I don't believe he loves his wife. I don't believe you do that to someone you love. A five year affair? Nope. He may love his house, his kids, his financial situation staying the same but he does not love his wife He loves himself. He's selfish and is a good actor with both women/ 3
DKT3 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I agree with all you said except one thing: I don't believe he loves his wife. I don't believe you do that to someone you love. A five year affair? Nope. He may love his house, his kids, his financial situation staying the same but he does not love his wife I think in most cases this message s true, but I guess it depends on how one views love, commitment and sex. Nah, he is probably just selfish. 1
Grapesofwrath Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Yes, she can tell the wife and blow up the marriage. BUT this is more about sour grapes than anything else - revenge and bitterness and a desire to have them both pay dearly for how bad Savannah is now feeling. I am not sure how "deceived" Savannah has actually been. She knew his marriage was not bad, she knew from day one he didn't actually love her and he loves his wife. She knew he was a cake eater. Savannah has tolerated the no kissing, blow jobs and the quickie sex at work for years, and watched from the sidelines as he "wined and dined" his beloved wife. Savannah has been the perfect OW. Had she told the wife 5 years ago when he made is first move on her then that would have been a different story altogether. OP: Is this really how it is? If this is the situation, then you should get yourself into some counseling right away. He has been debasing you and you have allowed it for years. No one gets to treat you this way, ever. It's clear from your posts that you put up with it because you don't believe you deserve anything better. That is the root cause of the problem, and I think that's where your work should start. Talk to your counselor about whether you should tell his wife. With that person, you can have a well-thought-out conversation on the topic. 2
Grapesofwrath Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I agree with all you said except one thing: I don't believe he loves his wife. I don't believe you do that to someone you love. A five year affair? Nope. He may love his house, his kids, his financial situation staying the same but he does not love his wife I tend to agree with DKT3..we all have our own definitions of love. In his mind, he may believe he loves her because he doesn't leave her. My xMM would say that he loved his wife, all evidence to the contrary. And he would say that he can't leave her because he "made a committment to her" despite the obvious hypocrisy in that statement because he also made a committment not to sleep with other women and he was doing that in spades. Suffice to say that if he loves her, it's not a love that I would want.
goodyblue Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I tend to agree with DKT3..we all have our own definitions of love. In his mind, he may believe he loves her because he doesn't leave her. My xMM would say that he loved his wife, all evidence to the contrary. And he would say that he can't leave her because he "made a committment to her" despite the obvious hypocrisy in that statement because he also made a committment not to sleep with other women and he was doing that in spades. Suffice to say that if he loves her, it's not a love that I would want. Yes, I agree. I could never stay with someone like that. 1
elaine567 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 By "love" I guess, Savannah's MM means the feelings he has for the woman who gets the best of him. She is the one he "cherishes", she is the one he takes on holiday and out for dinner, she is the one who he is seen out in public with, she is the one he shares his salary with, she is the one deeply entrenched in his life, she is the one he has sex with on their anniversary... Savannah was the woman he only needed when he was horny. #15 Savannah, you need to stop wallowing in "love" for this man, and see him for what he truly was, the sooner you do that, the easier it will be for you.
sandylee1 Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 So because he wants to end the affair, you want to tell his wife? While I think the wife should know, you Savannah are not strong enough for what could follow it. A simple message saying your husband is cheating isn't enough. You'd need to provide evidence and then he'd know it was you. Then he'd tell her, you meant nothing. You were lonely and in a bad marriage ... that you mistook his kindness for something else. That out of pity he caved .. but throughout he always loved her. He would never leave her. He never said he loved you. He couldn't even kiss you, because kisses are only saved for her. He couldn't perform with you after a few times and it was mainly him being friendly, but you insisted on pleasing him orally. That he never reciprocated, because he wasn't really interested. That you continued to be obsessed with him and jealous of her, but you don't come anywhere close to her..... and he tried to end it so many times butyou reeled him back in...... but he finally had enough and ended it...and this is why the crazy Savannah is now trying to ruin his marriage AND ..... The sad thing is ... this is pretty much what it was. Then. ..his wife will remember you. Oh yes. I spoke to Savannah. She seemed so nice. But even as I told her about my husband's previous EA, she was sleeping with him and pretending to be a friend. What a bi**h she is. Do you see how this will all get turned on you? You'll be made out as the loose woman who happily had an affair and even chatted to the wife. You aren't strong enough to deal with the backlash. If you were. .. you'd have long been out of the affair. .. where you stated he could have got a $40 hooker down the street. He was never going to leave her and even though you were prepared to be the OW for the rest of your life... truth is. .. he didn't want that. I think he got bored of it all.
Author Savannah2 Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 I think he got bored with the affair too. I'm not buying the whole all of a sudden feeling guilty and wanting to be husband of the year. I agree sandylee that I'm not strong enough to deal with the consequences of telling her. It's too little too late. I'm calling my dr tomorrow hoping he will prescribe me some anti depressants to help me get through this
eye of the storm Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 Savannah, I think antidepressants might be a good idea. But please use them with therapy. Antidepressants will not change thought patterns or behaviors. They just make learning new ones easier. They give you breathing space. But if they are your only go to, you will either need to live on them or be prepared to go back to self destructive behaviors as soon as you come off them. I am sending positive thoughts your way. Good luck.
freengreen Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 I regret the moment i started texting... Sometimes sweet sometimes just harsh indifferent. I have no idea if he is just as paining as me or he is a serial cheater and I made myself abailable. As much I want to know what he is in reality.. I just dont want to care. May be we both are genuine but got dragged into this may be not. I want to let him live life how he likes and live MY LIFE. I just want to get off this coaster. I am tired and want it no more. I didnt answer your question did i?. Well the answer is, You shouldnt give a hoot coz its not important and you will never know anyways. Stop everything and get out.
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