Self-Harming and no one to talk to

[shoplocal]

I feel terrible and have no one to talk to right now -- all my go-to chat options are out of commission. I am typing so I don't cut myself.

 

I get incredibly down/depressed/sad/whatever when I meet a great guy and realize nothing will ever happen. Nothing ever happens. I've never been in a relationship and it's pretty clear it will never happen. I know I have lots of flaws, but it hurts to realize I'm apparently so completely terrible. I dunno.

 

I'm not looking for tips because (a) I've tried everything and (b) I'm fat, which is a big no no for a woman even if she isn't single. I know my fat makes me undesirable to most men. But I'm still a person with feelings, even if I am fat, and this specific situation sends me into a tailspin of self-harming and writing final letters to people. My parents mostly. My mother mostly. I'm feeling guiltier and guiltier I so failed at being a woman that I could never attract a man, and therefore never have grandkids for her (and kids for me).

 

This is long, and I apologize. I'm typing to keep my hands off the sharp things in the room. I'm not looking for advice. But I wonder - is this normal? Is this something other never-been-in-a-relationship people feel after so many decades unwillingly alone? Am I over the top?

 

Please feel free to weigh in on that, especially those of you who are actually in this situation and not surmising about it from your partnered-up perspective. Thank you for reading and hopefully next time I post I'll be back to my level headed self.

[Herbalist]

No it is not normal, though it is common for people who were emotionally or otherwise abused as children. The rejection and betrayal felt from abuse by caregivers creates a deep emotional wound that is triggered in adulthood whenever the person feels rejected or abandoned. Sometimes it can be so severe that it may be something like full-blown Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) can be very helpful but needs to be done with a skilled therapist who is qualified to help treat someone with these types of problems.

[shoplocal]

No it is not normal, though it is common for people who were emotionally or otherwise abused as children. The rejection and betrayal felt from abuse by caregivers creates a deep emotional wound that is triggered in adulthood whenever the person feels rejected or abandoned. Sometimes it can be so severe that it may be something like full-blown Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) can be very helpful but needs to be done with a skilled therapist who is qualified to help treat someone with these types of problems.

 

Thank you. I was not abused as a child, but have come across their relationship difficulties as an adult and find mine are the same...not sure why. I'm hoping to find a new therapist, so I can better work on this issue.

[mikeylo]

Hit the gym. If you don't want to go then get some machine at home, in the privacy of your own room. Sweat it out, especially when you get the urge to cut. That's from top of my head idea. But nothing beats a good therapist.

[Dark Horse]

I think the truth is, we all have this desire to find somebody. For some, especially those who have never had any sort of intimate connection, it's more powerful and it's hard to regulate these intense feelings. I know for me at least, it has caused me a lot of pain and even some behavior problems because of my intense desire to be with a girl.

 

Secondly, it's painful to feel like nobody wants you because of a physical flaw that is either hard to change or impossible to change. I get where you're coming from, i'm a guy who happens to be only 5 ft 3 and 100 pounds. It'd be great if I were born a woman, guys love small girls! But because i'm born a guy, all of a sudden i'm at a disadvantage.

 

 

The best advice I can give is, learn to take pressure off of yourself because if you keep caring so much and getting rejected, it's going to take an emotional toll on your health.

[Herbalist]

Thank you. I was not abused as a child, but have come across their relationship difficulties as an adult and find mine are the same...not sure why. I'm hoping to find a new therapist, so I can better work on this issue.

 

Okay well I'm not just talking about physical or sexual abuse but also emotional and psychological abuse. This sort of stuff can happen even when you were too young to remember how it started. Like attachment styles start to develop when we are still toddlers and such, and the way we perceive things as very young children is super different from how we perceive things as adults. For example a young child instinctively understands that if they are rejected/abandoned by their caregiver(s) then they will likely die, so in that case rejection is a threat of death. Whereas for an adult being rejected by a date is obviously not a threat of death BUT if you have wounds from a time in your life when it was different then it can still FEEL like a threat of death even as an adult. And so on.

[major_merrick]

I've been in a depression situation before. Not trying to say I've been in your shoes, but I'll just mention what worked/didn't work for me.

 

First, self-harm is often a way of getting out the urge to hurt something. Since it isn't "socially acceptable" to hurt someone else (like the men you are frustrated with), you turn inward perhaps feeling powerless to change things. I'm not advocating going out and starting a fight, but realizing this can help you project those tendencies elsewhere. Perhaps taking up martial arts or learning to shoot would help? Plus, you'd gain valuable skills to make you more independent and capable in life.

 

Second, if your body is the big issue for you, that is something changeable. You can't change height or the face you're born with, but you CAN change your weight. I'm working through a minor issue with that at the moment - unpleasant but doable. I know a coworker who dropped 100 pounds....overweight men have trouble dating too. It actually seems to have changed his dating life.

 

Perhaps the never-been-in-a-relationship thing is better than going the way I did. I've been with tons of people, and now that I've met the two girls who I love more than anything, I kind of wish I didn't have all that "experience." IDK how old you are, but I'm 30 and I'm finally hitting my stride with something real and valuable.

 

I hope some of this is helpful... just realize that you aren't alone. Depression happens to almost everyone at some point in life, including to people who are popular and successful. But there are techniques to lessen the pain, and there are ways of solving most problems. Hang in there! Life usually gets better!

[Buddhist]

I've been single for eight of the past 10yrs. Some of it willingly, most of it not willingly. No, it's not normal to cut yourself because you haven't got a partner. That is extreme frustration and a lack of an appropriate outlet for it.

 

You haven't failed at being a woman either, it's not a woman's sole job to be attractive to the opposite sex. Unfortunately we do live in a society that perpetuates that myth and leaves a lot of people feeling as if they've failed because they aren't married, got a bf, or are a certain dress size.

[LastAcorn99]

I’m so sorry about your situation. I’m happy to learn that you’re planning on seeing a therapist. No matter what size, shape, or skin color we may have, we must learn to love ourselves. Please take care. Sending you hugs and prayers.

[JustGettingBy]

If you need someone to talk to, we're here for you.

[shoplocal]

Thanks, all. I'm scouring the internet looking for resources to help myself with, just in case my current therapist can't help me with this issue (giving it a few more sessions to see).

 

@Buddhist -- sooooo true. Trying to change the definition of a woman in my own mind, and getting lost/confused. I'm not even a traditional-minded person, but the social script is so ingrained me that I'm breaking my brain to think around it.

 

@Dark Horse - the issue with men's height is real! I used to not believe it because I don't care, but many many women are looking for a 'protector' in their male partner. Less so a man who can actually protect them, and more so a man who LOOKS like he can. They bundle this need into ideas of sexual appeal so they think they're simply attracted to tall men and not to short men (or fat/muscular men and not skinny men), but it's not true.

 

There are definitely very valid reasons behind wanting someone to threaten away other men, as most women have experienced multiple instances of violence at the hands of men, but not only does it create arbitrary 'deal breakers', but it keeps women vulnerable - not able to defend themselves, and at the mercy of someone she perceives to be much stronger (and sometimes smarter) than her. It's nuts.

[Bebe11]

I am not sure if you are religious or not, but have you thought about joining a singles group at a local church? This might be a great way to meet people. I pray that you will find the strength to stop hurting yourself. You are made in the image of God and He is proud of His creation. Praying for you!

[Dark Horse]

 

@Dark Horse - the issue with men's height is real! I used to not believe it because I don't care, but many many women are looking for a 'protector' in their male partner. Less so a man who can actually protect them, and more so a man who LOOKS like he can. They bundle this need into ideas of sexual appeal so they think they're simply attracted to tall men and not to short men (or fat/muscular men and not skinny men), but it's not true.

 

 

 

 

And that's why sometimes I wish I were a girl because short and skinny is actually preferred if you're a woman. My baby-face 5 ft 3 100 pound frame would be perfect.

 

It's actually kind of funny and interesting, the ideal attractiveness for men and women are reversed to a certain extent.

 

For instance, in men being tall and muscular is considered attractive, basically the bigger you are the better just a long as you're not fat. And an older and masculine face is considered attractive.

 

And in women it's the opposite. The smaller and petite you are, the more attractive you are considered. Also a young youthful face is considered attractive for women.

[oldbutcurious]

keep busy, it's difficult to lose weight but you can do it. start with simple ones, like jumping jack... there's a lot to follow at youtube. build your self confidence, if you believe it;s because of your weight that it is low, then, ower it.