SpecialJ512 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I have been single for four years as of this November. I previously had a girlfriend for 5 years, and we lived together for 3 of those years. While I now recognize we were SO not right for each other, I loved her deeply at the time, and she really broke my heart. It took me a long time to really and truly get over her. I will say that I am pretty successful at scoring dates. I'm fairly successful for my age (32) and for where I live (I make 6 figures, not amazing money, but pretty good), I'm handsome (8.5-9/10 face, but I'm 5'8" lol so I lose some points there), in awesome shape, friendly, approachable, likable. But aside from a few that last a few days or some that turn into short-term flings or whatever...I just can't seem to meet the right one. The first two years after the breakup were sort of a "write off" (especially the first year) in the sense that I was nowhere near ready for anything serious. I dated around, had my fair share of hookups...but now I'm really ready and open for something serious with the right woman. I've tried all the online apps at one point or another. And I'm just really tired of it. To the point where I want to give up online dating. It's just that, as a guy ,I feel like I have to make things happen. And since most of my friends are coupled up and don't seem to know any single attractive female to set me up with, I feel pressured to stick with online dating. I meet so many women from online...and sometimes it seems you really hit it off with one, they tell you you're "an amazing guy/person" or "I had a wonderful time with you," they text and text...and then they just ghost you. I recognize you can't take this personally, but just when I meet a woman and think "this time might be different" it ends up being another disappointment. And I don't know how to stay positive when I'm used to four years of disappointments. When I'm with my friends, I'm funny and upbeat and in the moment. I'm used to being the third/firth/whatever wheel (sometimes I'm not, though)...but a little part of me dies every time I part ways with my friends and then see them all walk away with their arms around there significant others. I know everyone says "you don't need anyone to complete you" and "a relationship isn't the end all be all"...but when that comes from people who are in relationships, I take those statements with a huge grain of salt. I mean...I struggle to always have plans on the weekends and not be alone because everyone hangs with their gfs/bfs. I don't mind staying in on my own sometimes, but it's hard to always make plans. And I admit I've never been crazy about doing things on my own, although I have traveled solo before. I don't really know what I'm asking, if anything. Maybe this is more of a venting post. I'm just really, really lonely. The holidays/winter are coming up, and I'm dreading having to go through another winter/holiday cycle alone. I wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom sometimes, and I often have a hard time getting back to sleep because my heart literally aches for someone to be lying next to me (and not just a girl I'm hooking up with, but a girl I really care for). I'm starting to question if she's out there. I don't believe I'm "shooting out of my league," as I don't think I'm looking for anything that I don't already offer myself (not that it's a barter system or tit for tat, but you know what I mean). I'm just tired of being so damn lonely...
JewelD Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Have you considered getting a pet? Thing is, if a person gets too lonely, you're more likely to enter a relationship with someone you don't really need to be with. I think it could help to find ways to deal with your loneliness that don't involve other people. Because even in relationships, people still get lonely. You're not always going to have someone. I try to do things to occupy my time that I enjoy. I go to the movies by myself, I try to read as many books as I can, I started new hobbies and I have a dog so I'm never truly alone. I do get lonely occasionally but I know that if I can manage to be alone and be comfortable with myself and even Happy by myself, then there's really nothing left to be afraid of in life. You'll find love but you won't stress over losing it or relationship ending because you know what it's like to be alone and you know that it's not horrible. The mind is a powerful tool though. You feel really alone because you're thinking about your friends relationships and how lonely you are and how much you want to be in love with someone. But if you change the way you think, you could change the way you feel about the situation.
Gloria25 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Umm.... Maybe you oughta consider some counseling? I mean, so many years since your break up is a bit much. And, even with her, you were with her five years and it went nowhere ("marriage", IMO, is when a RL goes "somewhere", otherwise you're just having "companionship"). Have you seriously sat down and thought what you'e looking for in "the one"? I mean, I think people sit around and base a decision to marry someone based on how good it "feels", if they have fun on dates, and/or if they like the same popcorn. Well, date like that and once the newness of being with someone wears off, you're gonna keep on ending it. Me? I've gone through periods of what I call "droughts". Some a few months, and before my recent dude, it was about three years. Three years because of a lot of things, mainly stress and I guess for me, at some point in my life the headache of dating just makes me wanna stay home and rub one out after watching something good on TV with something good to eat. I also have a full life, so having a SO would be nice, but I have a life besides that...What I'm trying to wonder is, "What's your reasons for being single for so long?" Again, I recommend counseling. In times that I've pondered if I should be looking to get married, people who have gotten to know me are candid and frank enough to tell me that if I really wanted that, I would have pursued it long time ago...in other words, I keep on finding fault in potentials cuz while I may say I want marriage, I'm not actively doing anything to get someone for it. Then, maybe you're just a hard person to match up with. I did the eHarmony questionnaire years ago and I think I broke it. It couldn't match me with anything. I mean, I have a lot of things about me - mixed, believe this/that, etc. And, I think it makes it hard for me to get a match who actually "gets" me. 1
Pete2304 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I have been single for four years as of this November. I previously had a girlfriend for 5 years, and we lived together for 3 of those years. While I now recognize we were SO not right for each other, I loved her deeply at the time, and she really broke my heart. It took me a long time to really and truly get over her. I will say that I am pretty successful at scoring dates. I'm fairly successful for my age (32) and for where I live (I make 6 figures, not amazing money, but pretty good), I'm handsome (8.5-9/10 face, but I'm 5'8" lol so I lose some points there), in awesome shape, friendly, approachable, likable. But aside from a few that last a few days or some that turn into short-term flings or whatever...I just can't seem to meet the right one. The first two years after the breakup were sort of a "write off" (especially the first year) in the sense that I was nowhere near ready for anything serious. I dated around, had my fair share of hookups...but now I'm really ready and open for something serious with the right woman. I've tried all the online apps at one point or another. And I'm just really tired of it. To the point where I want to give up online dating. It's just that, as a guy ,I feel like I have to make things happen. And since most of my friends are coupled up and don't seem to know any single attractive female to set me up with, I feel pressured to stick with online dating. I meet so many women from online...and sometimes it seems you really hit it off with one, they tell you you're "an amazing guy/person" or "I had a wonderful time with you," they text and text...and then they just ghost you. I recognize you can't take this personally, but just when I meet a woman and think "this time might be different" it ends up being another disappointment. And I don't know how to stay positive when I'm used to four years of disappointments. When I'm with my friends, I'm funny and upbeat and in the moment. I'm used to being the third/firth/whatever wheel (sometimes I'm not, though)...but a little part of me dies every time I part ways with my friends and then see them all walk away with their arms around there significant others. I know everyone says "you don't need anyone to complete you" and "a relationship isn't the end all be all"...but when that comes from people who are in relationships, I take those statements with a huge grain of salt. I mean...I struggle to always have plans on the weekends and not be alone because everyone hangs with their gfs/bfs. I don't mind staying in on my own sometimes, but it's hard to always make plans. And I admit I've never been crazy about doing things on my own, although I have traveled solo before. I don't really know what I'm asking, if anything. Maybe this is more of a venting post. I'm just really, really lonely. The holidays/winter are coming up, and I'm dreading having to go through another winter/holiday cycle alone. I wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom sometimes, and I often have a hard time getting back to sleep because my heart literally aches for someone to be lying next to me (and not just a girl I'm hooking up with, but a girl I really care for). I'm starting to question if she's out there. I don't believe I'm "shooting out of my league," as I don't think I'm looking for anything that I don't already offer myself (not that it's a barter system or tit for tat, but you know what I mean). I'm just tired of being so damn lonely... Well I wish I was handsome, successful, funny, upbeat, in awesome shape and didn't have to worry that any girl was out of my league. Honestly must be great to know you are a 8.5-9. I wouldn't worry too much with all these qualities, I'm sure you will find someone soon for the long term.
Author SpecialJ512 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 To those who've asked, yes I'm in therapy (have been for a while) and yes I've seriously sat down and considered what I want in a long-term partner. I guess it's just very, very hard to find someone you like who likes you back. I'm not looking for Heidi Klum, but would like a woman who takes care of her self and is reasonably active (as that is how I am), who is decently educated and has her own career (don't care how much she makes or what she does, just as long as she earns a decent living), who is kind and warm, gets along well with people in all walks of life...I don't think what I'm looking for is unreasonable or unrealistic given my "package" (for lack of a better term).
Snow_Queen Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Your post nearly brought tears to my eyes. I'm going through a very similar situation. So many others are in relationships and here I am alone. Some days I'm very happy to have the chance to do whatever I want and others days are harder. I've spent so much time searching only to have most dates in a similar manner as yours. It's nearing two years of being single now with no efforts to look. Honestly, I gave up. If someone comes along, great. And, it won't be because I was looking. If not, I'll refrain from thinking about it much. You're certainly not alone in feeling the way you do.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 Well I wish I was handsome, successful, funny, upbeat, in awesome shape and didn't have to worry that any girl was out of my league. Honestly must be great to know you are a 8.5-9. Or the OP's target audience doesn't agree with his self-assessment. SpecialJ512, work on being a genuine person with broad interests and good skills in relating to other people. Those are the kind of folks good things happen to... Mr. Lucky
Buddhist Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 I could have written your post about a year ago. Then a wonderful thing happened I actually got happy with singledom. Not forced kind of happy, but truly deeply content with my life as it is. It came from realising that so much of what made me unhappy were things I was externalising in the form of a missing partner. My fixation with a partner became an escape from looking at myself and fixing up what I didn't like about me. Not saying that's the case for you, just giving an illustration that sometimes feelings of loneliness are not what we think they are. 1
Buddhist Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 (edited) Or the OP's target audience doesn't agree with his self-assessment. This was my thought too. I don't say this to be mean, but IME a lot of guys seriously over-rate themselves, particularly in the looks dept. Can't tell how many times I've seen a guy type "I'm good looking" and then I see a photo and it's like......crickets. It's not that they were ugly, but they were average, and well good looking isn't average. It isn't standing on every street corner the way those guys are. Most guys happen to think that they are good looking in the 8.5+ range no matter what. Just comes with the typical over-confidence of male social programming in general. I know someone who truly does fall into the top 15% range in terms of physical appearance and he stands out a mile from average guys. The reaction from people is completely different towards him because his look is unusual. Not typical. Edited November 1, 2016 by Buddhist
Author SpecialJ512 Posted November 1, 2016 Author Posted November 1, 2016 To those saying I overrate myself...I'm not. Now I run the risk of sounding like a jerk, but I've been called hot/sexy by a good number of attractive women over the years. My ex gf's friends all loved me, older female co-workers always call me handsome, gay men hit on me all the time lol. I'm short as I said (between 5'8 and 5'9), so that cuts me down a few notches, but my facial aesthetics are solid. I do quite well getting dates with attractive, intelligent women from online dating (and I'm doing online dating in a very competitive city), so I'm pretty confident in my looks. I get plenty of dates, and pretty easily. Just haven't found one that sticks. I know all you need is one...but it's rough. The first two years were sort of a write off in that I wasn't fully healed yet and wasn't as worried about being single. But I've been ready for a while now. I give everything when I'm in a relationship, and just want that special woman to give it all to.
Gloria25 Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 Your post nearly brought tears to my eyes. I'm going through a very similar situation. So many others are in relationships and here I am alone. Some days I'm very happy to have the chance to do whatever I want and others days are harder. I've spent so much time searching only to have most dates in a similar manner as yours. It's nearing two years of being single now with no efforts to look. Honestly, I gave up. If someone comes along, great. And, it won't be because I was looking. If not, I'll refrain from thinking about it much. You're certainly not alone in feeling the way you do. ***hugs***
Author SpecialJ512 Posted January 13, 2017 Author Posted January 13, 2017 Happy New Year ya'll. Yeah so, here I am, reviving this thread. I had to deal with the death of a parent a week before Christmas. It wasn't a surprise and we knew it was coming (was sick for a very long time). So it was a rough holiday season, but we got (and are getting) through it. One of my New Year's resolutions was to stop online dating. I have had a good amount of success with it in the past; it at one point got me a 5 year relationship, and plenty of hookups. However, I am headed towards my mid 30s and I really want to get married (yes I'm a guy and saying that, gasp). I am in the best shape of my life, make a pretty damn good salary (although for the city I live in, my salary is more "meh") for my age, have 8+/10 facial aesthetics (have been called hot/sexy/handsome by many women and men alike lol, so this isn't me "overrating" myself), although I'm only 5'8"/5'9" (not exaggerating my height). So I'm not short, but definitely not tall. I am outgoing, fun to be around, etc. (while I may seem very depressed on here, I promise 100% that this isn't the case in real life, or else I'd never get second/third/fourth dates - just nothing has "stuck" yet - and I'd have no friends either). All of my friends are married with kids at this point. They all try to help (they mean well) by telling me how awesome it is to be single, all the things I can do while single, being in a relationship isn't the end all be all, etc. But it's easy for them to say. They aren't alone on Friday/Saturday nights. I am no one's top priority, and I'm just lonely as hell. I can't stomach online dating anymore, and no one seems to know any similarly attractive single women to introduce me too. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any tips on sort of giving up and just accepting that I may never find anyone I like who likes me back. Others I know seem to get it so easily. And these are people who aren't as educated/successful/attractive as me. I know that makes me sound like a jerk, I am not better than anyone, and no one is better than me. What I mean to say is that, since I'm not any less or more worthy than these folks, it seems to just boil down to luck. You either have it or you don't. And so, with 2017 here...I need to work towards just accepting my situation. EVERYONE I know seems to "find it when they're not looking for it." I sorta still think that's a crock of sh*t, but starting to believe it more. That's why I want to stop looking. I just worry that my friends are going to then really judge me. I mean, I already feel very subtly judged for being single at my age...but I know it will be even worse if I'm not even trying anymore. I guess I just need some advice. Being single at my age when all your friends are raising families or happily with someone really sucks. I have to deal with so much sh*t that they will never have to deal with. Not to mention just having someone to lean on during rough times...would be nice... Dating f*&$ing sucks.
Dolfin80 Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 (edited) I am single, female, 37 years of age. I gave up on relationships when my partner dumped me Jan 2013. Since 2013 I have only slept with 1 man, whilst hiking the Inca trail in Peru, he used me for sex and never spoke to me again, this hurt me immensely. I have not had a single date since my partner, 4 years ago. I earn a six figure salary, I have a wonderful career, I keep fit, I can now leg press 3 times my body weight, 163kg, I can squat 80kg. I hike all around the world, currently training for Everest Base Camp. I spend my time off world travelling around the world. That six figure salary has taken me far, 38 countries in fact. No man ever asks me out on a date. Your validation as a worthy person does not come from having a partner, it comes from within. I have accepted that I'm single and I don't focus on other people's relationships. Most those people in relations are unhappy anyways and they wish they were single. You must accept the fact you are single, let it empower you to thrust you into things. Being single has pushed me into being an international hiker. Last year I did the W trek in Patagonia Chile and Half Dome in Yosemite, USA. I get comfort and love from my friends. Form new friendships with people to stop being lonely. Edited January 13, 2017 by Dolfin80 1
Author SpecialJ512 Posted January 13, 2017 Author Posted January 13, 2017 I'm very sorry to hear about your luck with men, Dolfin. It makes you feel any better, women haven't always been great to me either. I get to the 3rd, 4th of whatever date...and for whatever reason, they stop being interested. Maybe the problem is me. I have asked really close friends to be honest and tell me if I'm coming across as depressed, desperate or whatever, and they all say I'm not. And I'm not desperate. I have standards, as I'm sure you do. I think maybe it's different for men. I'm not at all trying to belittle your struggles and having men use you (I promise, we're not all d*ckheads like that). But I feel like the pain of being single and alone is different as a man. Like, we as men define ourselves by our careers, how much money we make, the woman we do or don't have on our arm, by our children. I'm sure I'll get attacked for saying this, but I've observed this over the years with others, and it's how I feel too. I feel like I'm a failure as a man for being single at my age. Yeah, it's probably incorrect for me to feel that way. But changing the way I feel about this has proven difficult, if not impossible. I see others who have what I want, and just feel like there must be something wrong with me. And I don't tell this to anyone. I keep it to myself and my dad. If it sounds like I want a relationship just because my friends have them, I can assure that is not the case. I have wanted it for myself for a long time now. Just to be in love with your best friend, to have a girl texting me that she misses me when I'm out with my friends, to have a girl just playfully touch me for me no reason, someone to just cuddle up next to (and of course, have a physical relationship with)....that's all I want. Maybe it's just not meant for me, not in this life. I just wish I could die sometimes. Being lonely all the time sucks...you are no one's first priority (let's not kid ourselves, our friend's bfs/gfs/spouses will rightfully come first)...whatever, I guess it just is what it is.
Dolfin80 Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 (edited) I agree with you there, men do base their value on what assets they have and a beautiful women hanging off the, and children. I work as a professional so I base my value on saving people's lives. Not whether I have a date or not. I definitely do not want to die because I'm single. I want to live to save people's lives and to travel. Edited January 14, 2017 by Dolfin80
Mrlonelyone Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 I know just how you feel OP. The getting dates/hookups thing is not hard. Once a person figures out where to find such things...it is no longer a challenge or a worry. Finding someone ... really special ... that just does not come along every day. That may not even come along more than once per decade. All we can do is keep looking, keep our eyes open, keep living and eventually we will find someone really exciting. OLD just does not feel like the place to do it. Frankly all of the apps feel like they are for hooking up now a days. Even the expensive paid ones based on "compatibility" and all that.
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