crj89 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Hello. I've never had a girlfriend and thought I really need to get advice from others. I'm a 26 year old white male who lives in Cincinnati, OH. I have my own apartment, car, and a career as a software developer. Some of my family members have told me that I'm attractive. I've tried several dating sites and my overall response rate is approx. 0.5%. I've sent well over several hundred messages on all of the dating sites combined. I've tried asking women for their phone numbers in-person several times trying to start a friendship and always resulted in a "no", "I'm already taken" or some random strangers phone number. I've tried joining groups on Meetup.com involving my interests like playing sports and socializing events and no one from the groups (men or women) wanted to do anything outside of group as they we're too busy with their personal lives. That leads me into my other problem that the only friends I have are online friends. Apart from online, I only have acquaintances from work. I just don't get it. I want to socialize and put myself out there to meet others but I always end up becoming disappointed and lonely. I feel like no one has room or time for me or that I'm just cursed. Anyone else in this predicament? Any positive advice is appreciated.
umirano Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Making relationships takes time. How long have you gone to these meet-ups? They aren't the most stable social environments. Maybe join a permanent interest group? Some online groups have regular real life meetings and events. Find those too. 1
thecrucible Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I struggle myself but the best place to meet someone is more likely to be a group with a regular set of attendees where there's a chance to get to know someone over time like a cooking class or more organised group. You could try joining in with volunteering for a charity which involves an interest of yours. I'm involved with scouting and it's a great way to build self-confidence - there's also opportunities to go to big social gatherings (that's just one example anyway). Perhaps people here can help with advice on best messages to send online and the profile? But otherwise, don't let online dating knock your confidence too much. It isn't a reflection on your dating potential in real life.
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Find yourself a dating coach. They will give you advice on how to tweak your appearance/wardrobe, how to approach women, how to start a conversation, what to talk about, posturing/body language, etc. We can't see what your hurdles are from our computer screens. You are better off seeking advice from someone who can see you personally. 2
LastAcorn99 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I agree with some of the previous posters, and would encourage you to join one of those social clubs, of your interest. I believe that these places will help you meet people with similar interests where you can develop meaningful friendships. If you are a socially very awkward person, I would encourage you to take the time to work on yourself, too. All the best!
transform yourself Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I just don't get it. I want to socialize and put myself out there to meet others but I always end up becoming disappointed and lonely. I feel like no one has room or time for me or that I'm just cursed. Anyone else in this predicament? Any positive advice is appreciated. One thing is I feel you need to do is change this perspective. I feel that you are always playing yourself as the victim and beating yourself up about it and this will not do you any favours. Start to believe that you are amazing and people like you. One exercise is to carry out positive affirmations by looking into the mirror and saying to yourself aloud: I am amazing Everybody loves me Women love me I will find a girlfriend Do this daily and this will change your outlook towards life. Another thing I feel will be useful will be to build a social life/circle and hobbies outside this whole "getting a date thing". This will make you more interesting as a person as if you don't have a life outside the "whole getting a date" thing, you will come across as a boring person and you won't have anything to speak about where people can connect you with. Also don't make whether you have a woman in your life and not having a woman in your life your central source of happiness. This is also an important mindset to have when meeting women, as if you are putting "getting her" as the prize you will come across as needy and supplicating which will turn them off big time. Always realise there is more to life than women and sex and there is always somebody in a worse off situation than yourself and one should count themselves lucky based on what they do have rather than what they don't have. How are you in terms of when you meet people and engage in conversation? What sort of questions do you ask? If you can supply me with this I can get a picture and work out a way forward for you
normal person Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Hello. I've never had a girlfriend and thought I really need to get advice from others. I'm a 26 year old white male who lives in Cincinnati, OH. I have my own apartment, car, and a career as a software developer. Some of my family members have told me that I'm attractive. No offense, but if this is all you have to hang your hat on, things will be probably be an uphill battle. Having an apartment, car, job, and a mom who says you're handsome are par for the course. It's like saying "I've never been to jail" and expecting people to be impressed. Tell us about your character and personality traits. What is it about you that moves women emotionally? Are you funny, exciting, mysterious, gregarious, fun, etc? What is it about that gets women interested in you? What makes them say "Wow, I need to talk to this guy some more?"
SwordofFlame Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Like the other posters posted above, I would recommend activity based Meet Ups where there are a decent amount of regulars. Joining a social sports team could also work. It could be your looks. You can't trust family members or even some strangers to give you honest advice. People usually don't want to be mean or rude. A decent way to gauge this is how many matches do you get on apps like Tinder or Bumble that are real women and not fake spam bots. Also, how tall are you? Are you in good physical shape? I'm guessing the issue is that you're very introverted and maybe even a socially anxious person because you say you don't have any in person friends other than work acquaintances. You're not alone in this, outside of work, I've also found it to be extremely difficult to make new friends. So you might want to start there, unless your work environment is extremely cutthroat, how come you can't seem to develop close friendships with your work peers?
normal person Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 It could be your looks. You can't trust family members or even some strangers to give you honest advice. People usually don't want to be mean or rude. A decent way to gauge this is how many matches do you get on apps like Tinder or Bumble that are real women and not fake spam bots. Also, how tall are you? Are you in good physical shape? Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything about this, but it could be worth noting. Family members don't have anything to gain by telling you you aren't handsome, but they have your happiness to lose, so there's no point in telling you otherwise. Typically when someone has to qualify themselves by saying "Someone once told I was handsome/cute before," it can be a pretty good indicator that they're probably not so great looking. Remembering a time where they were told that once or twice under questionable circumstances and wearing it like a badge can be a pretty big sign that someone has been misinformed. If you're attractive, you're constantly hearing about it from the opposite (and oftentimes, same) sex and have been since you were in kindergarten. Other people will be quite willing to message you, go out with you, and do much more with general ease. Please take no offense, but if you don't attract people, by definition, you aren't attractive. The good news is, you can probably do a lot to improve. Update your hairstyle (talk to a pro about what would be the best style for your face shape), get some flattering, stylish clothes, and start working out religiously. You'll look better, and therefore feel better, it will improve your confidence and probably your results. Best of luck.
ZA Dater Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 No offense, but if this is all you have to hang your hat on, things will be probably be an uphill battle. Having an apartment, car, job, and a mom who says you're handsome are par for the course. It's like saying "I've never been to jail" and expecting people to be impressed. Tell us about your character and personality traits. What is it about you that moves women emotionally? Are you funny, exciting, mysterious, gregarious, fun, etc? What is it about that gets women interested in you? What makes them say "Wow, I need to talk to this guy some more?" The OP should always feel he is attractive, its called holding your head up and not walking around miserable. There are plenty of normal people who have relationships, not everyone can be exceptional.
normal person Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 The OP should always feel he is attractive, its called holding your head up and not walking around miserable. Holding your head up and not walking around miserable is fine. But most people expect a partner who isn't miserable. Again, it's like saying "I've never been to jail" and acting like it's something to be proud of. It's not, it should be expected. And saying he "should" always feel like he's attractive is like saying "every girl deserves to be treated like a princess." In a perfect world, yes, every girl "should." In the real one however, it's more wishful thinking than pragmatism likely to yield any tangible results. If you can trick yourself into thinking this, great. But if you can't (because it seems you're not particularly attractive), you have to do something about it rather than just deny reality in favor of fairy tales. There are plenty of normal people who have relationships, not everyone can be exceptional. I said that in my post, or in another post made today, I can't remember. I'm not saying being exceptional is the only way success, all I did was ask what was emotionally stimulating about him, because that's what he didn't talk about and that's a big factor in attracting women. True, you don't have to be exceptional. But you likely have to be something more than "a guy with a job whose mom said was handsome once." Imagine if this guy made an OLD profile that consisted of: "26 years old from Cincinnati. I have a car, an apartment, and a job in software design. My family told I'm handsome last Thanksgiving." True, it's not exceptional (nor does it necessarily have to be), but it's not still not enough to engage anyone's interests or curiosities. Would you message someone with a profile like that? I really don't like it when people try to invoke "fairness" into dating and attraction. It's inherently unfair. Recognize your position in the landscape and if you're not happy with it, do whatever you can about it. Saying "some people just aren't confident" with the implication that for some reason, women should then bypass their biological urges to be with confident men to appease some "fairness quota" to men. Life doesn't work like that. If you don't have X, Y, or Z, that's fine. But if it's causing you unhappiness, maybe you should work to get those things rather than just expect other people to overlook them. The way to improve yourself is to analyze and study your landscape, step out of your comfort zone, learn from your mistakes, and apply what you learned the next time around. Not say "Well, I just don't do things that way." That's fine, but then it's also your problem, not everyone else's.
Author crj89 Posted November 2, 2016 Author Posted November 2, 2016 (edited) How are you in terms of when you meet people and engage in conversation? What sort of questions do you ask? In person? It depends on who it is and what I know already about the other person but for example... today when I was talking to a coworker in her cubicle I started off by asking if they have done anything interesting lately. I learned from someone else that she's in a band therefore afterwards I asked her if she'll be performing anytime soon locally. We then talked about what genres we liked and which bands. Another example was when I player in a kickball league. I started the conversation a couple times. It was hard as I didn't know anything about them. So I started off with some basic questions like what other sports do you play and how long have you been playing in this league. What usually happens is after 2-3 questions we'll get interrupted by another player or it's time for one of us to go up and kick. Online I try to ask open ended questions relating to something they put in their profile such as what instruments or sports do they play. How well did they enjoy their last vacation spot that they posted photos from. Or what they thought about the last season of a show we both have seen. In my opinion, the problem is keeping the conversation going, building interest and forming a deeper connection. I hope that helps. Edited November 2, 2016 by crj89
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