Serious skeleton in my closet

[JSteel]

It seems like opinions are split on whether I should actually mention it to a future partner. For obvious reasons I really don't want to, but would that really be excessively selfish? I don't know even know if it's something you should just outright say if it never gets brought up. I'm inclined to say no. But I don't know. I'm obviously biased on this issue so maybe I'm just not looking at it clearly but I don't feel like something like this should define the rest of your existence. But I can also see why someone might wanna know...

[neowulf]

It seems like opinions are split on whether I should actually mention it to a future partner. For obvious reasons I really don't want to, but would that really be excessively selfish? I don't know even know if it's something you should just outright say if it never gets brought up. I'm inclined to say no. But I don't know. I'm obviously biased on this issue so maybe I'm just not looking at it clearly but I don't feel like something like this should define the rest of your existence. But I can also see why someone might wanna know...

 

Let me put it this way.

 

Do you believe in forgiveness? Or do you believe that people should forever be defined by their mistakes?

 

We're not talking axe murder here? We're not talking sexual assault or paedophilia.

 

We're talking about consensual sex, for money. Yes, some could view it as a little seedy, but honestly, it's pretty low on the "****ty human being" scale.

 

You are not your actions. You behaved in a way you weren't proud of. You made choices you wish you could take back. Well, you can't. End of story.

 

You can accept that fact and devote yourself to making better choices, or you can wallow in self pity.

 

Someone once said to me that past a certain point, it's indulgent to constantly punish yourself. It becomes a convenient excuse to avoid the hard work of getting on with your life.

 

We've all made mistakes. We all have regrets. Do better next time. It's all we can ask of ourselves.

[Calmandfocused]

You know, you seem like a really nice guy and one who learns from their mistakes and owns their own actions. That's actually a very attractive quality.

 

Saying that you have nothing to feel guilty and ashamed about. You had an experience, realised it wasn't for you and moved on.

 

No-one expects you to be perfect and any woman you meet in the future won't be perfect either.

 

Give yourself a break. Learn from it, accept that its not who you really are and move on from it.

 

I wouldn't suggest that you need to disclose all this on a first date. Disclose when you have a connection with someone. If its meant to be it won't matter to them.

 

Forgive yourself. The biggest demon that you have at the mo is yourself. Let it go

[mikeylo]

If you can't live with yourself , then how will someone else want to? Your behavior will speak louder than the skeleton in closet.

 

Get therapy.

[JSteel]

I feel better about this than when I made this post. I just have a lot of anxiety in me. About a lot of things. I guess I'm just an anxious person.

 

 

But venting about it really helped. I know I have to forgive myself and I know I can do it in due time. I want to thank everyone for all the encouragement. It's definitely helped me clear things up in my mind.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Well that's a really nice and positive update from you JSteel so happy to see you are feeling a bit clearer in mind and are wiling to forgive your mistakes and move on.

 

A lot of your anxiety surrounding this subject will lift when you fully forgive yourself and let it go. We all make mistakes or have done things we're not proud of at one point or another.

 

I still think you would be ok with taking this one to the grave with you and never having to shine a light on it with a potential partner provided you are determined to not go back to that again. It's one thing to do what you did as a single man, it's another to slip back while in a relationship when the going gets tough. That's not what you did, so you can grow from this.

[Toodaloo]

I think I did go over the top with the self depreciation in a fit of anxiety. I feel a lot more calm now but I think it was important for me to be emphatic about how much regret I've experienced over this.

 

I think the problem is exactly with seeing sex, and another human by extension, as a business transaction. I think that's a terrible way of looking at another human. Especially when none of these women would have ever wanted to be in their position.

 

I am glad you are feeling better.

 

Look. I am in the office. I am working/ posting on LS for which my bosses will pay me for my time and skills.

 

When you went to those prostitutes you were paying for their time and skills. Its no different to working in an office or on a farm or anywhere else.

 

As long as you were polite and respectful the way you would treat any of your customers or suppliers at work its fine.

 

I really think you need to work out those emotions with someone though. You have a lot going on in that head of yours and it was probably what lead to you needing the services of those ladies.

 

Yes its not good and some women will have a fit about it but other will not. Its not something you need to bleat on about. Yes, be honest but you do not need to go into details. The past needs to stay there because you need to get busy with the future...

[smackie9]

I have a question.....why use prostitutes in the first place? you never were able to have a normal relationship? women are not interested in you? You have too much anxiety to ask out a woman? If you think it's so morally wrong, why do it? You can't be that f%^&*$# weak.

[Toodaloo]

I have a question.....why use prostitutes in the first place? you never were able to have a normal relationship? women are not interested in you? You have too much anxiety to ask out a woman? If you think it's so morally wrong, why do it? You can't be that f%^&*$# weak.

 

smackie - he made a mistake. He did something he regrets. He wants to "put it right". Beating him up over it is not going to help.

 

He was struggling, he was lonely so he paid for company... Same old story... Its not rocket science. Everyone can be weak at times. Its not a crime. But the strongest come back from those weak moments.

 

Give the guy a break.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't think there is any real point in obsessing over the negativity in the industry and how you contributed to it. There is a horrible backstory behind many products we buy as well. I'm not saying we shouldn't be conscious about the ethics of things, but we can't let them overwhelm us either.

 

From what it sounds like you treated the women with respect, they were girls who weren't in trafficking. While I understand why you regret it now, it doesn't sound like you did anything horribly wrong.

[Cephalopod]

It seems like opinions are split on whether I should actually mention it to a future partner. For obvious reasons I really don't want to, but would that really be excessively selfish? I don't know even know if it's something you should just outright say if it never gets brought up. I'm inclined to say no. But I don't know. I'm obviously biased on this issue so maybe I'm just not looking at it clearly but I don't feel like something like this should define the rest of your existence. But I can also see why someone might wanna know...

 

Let me ask you something. Say you meet the woman of your dreams. Say she is everything you have ever wanted: kind, upstanding, honest, fair, compassionate, smart as hell, beautiful, funny, interesting, sexy, shares your values...

 

Say she is totally in to you and the sex compatibility is off the charts. You love this woman and want to marry her...

 

So you marry her but don't tell her about your sexcapades with da hos...

 

Then five years and two kids down the line, you and her are at a party with some of her old college friends and one friend drunkenly blurts out how she remembers your wife getting stoned one night and enthusiastically let four football players pull a train on her.

 

Now...is that something you would have wanted to know about her? Would it destroy your image of her as someone who never had a freaky past? How would you compare that you what you did with the hookers?

 

I think, some things need to be left in the past.

[Cephalopod]

I have a question.....why use prostitutes in the first place? you never were able to have a normal relationship? women are not interested in you? You have too much anxiety to ask out a woman? If you think it's so morally wrong, why do it? You can't be that f%^&*$# weak.

 

Simply put...some men don't want to have to put up with the game-playing bull***** that 75% of single women engage in on dates.

[scooby-philly]

It hasn't been 6 months. I'm probably going to actively and routinely get myself checked out until I'm in the clear.

 

And I know they agreed to it, but I think it's wrong to see that as the end of the story. It is certainly not something they would agree to under normal circumstances. It's coerced agreement at best, in that it's coerced by their circumstances. I doubt the vast majority of sex workers actively desire to remain in their position. I feel like participating is taking advantage of that vulnerability. And it reduces this human to an object of pleasure. I think the whole transaction is just inhuman and gross and that's what makes me so sick to have been a part of it.

 

Seriously? #1 - Yes, a good percentage of escorts in the US have an addiction problem - especially those "walking the street". However, it's not 100%. Furthermore, if you believe you took advantage of them.....someone could point out that in reality, they took advantage of you. They're trying to make money (regardless of the reason) They could just as easily ask for a handout, apply for a job, etc. Sure, a lot don't have many alternatives, but if you were kind, honest, and treated them fair....then what they do with the money isn't your concern. On the flip....you needed sex...which you can get by shelling out tons of money on dating, using apps like Tinder, or just paying.

 

#2 - If the country legalized prostitution overnight, they're wouldn't be a sudden, massive moral calamity. If anything, it would make the act safe as people on both sides of the transaction would have recourse if the other acted inappropriately in any fashion.

 

#3 - Yes, we all make mistakes. You have to come to terms with the fact that you are imperfect and that anyone who couldn't accept that isn't worthy of your love and attention to begin with.

[mikeylo]

smackie - he made a mistake. He did something he regrets. He wants to "put it right". Beating him up over it is not going to help.

 

He was struggling, he was lonely so he paid for company... Same old story... Its not rocket science. Everyone can be weak at times. Its not a crime. But the strongest come back from those weak moments.

 

Give the guy a break.

 

Mistake is something that happens maybe once ? OP has stated 9 counts. It was a chosen lifestyle for whatever reason.

[JSteel]

I have a question.....why use prostitutes in the first place? you never were able to have a normal relationship? women are not interested in you? You have too much anxiety to ask out a woman? If you think it's so morally wrong, why do it? You can't be that f%^&*$# weak.

 

That one's easy. I didn't really see the problem with it back then. I rationalized it pretty easily. I used some of the same reasoning some people ITT use. But I had a change of heart. That's all.

 

Mistake is something that happens maybe once ? OP has stated 9 counts. It was a chosen lifestyle for whatever reason.

 

Well, it was a short period in the grand scheme of things but I do think mistakes can last for a while. I think sometimes a path you chose to take is a mistake and it can take you some time before you realize you took the wrong path.

Edited November 3, 2016 by JSteel

[aileD]

I'm going to say something that might sound a little mean but I want you to really think about it ok????

 

You are making up excuses to still find a reason to avoid being in a real relationship.

 

It's probably subconscious which means ---therapy.

 

You hired the escorts to avoid a real relationship. Now you're disgusted at that and dwelling on it to the point that you are still avoiding a real relationship.

 

I think you need therapy to find out why.

 

 

Wish you the best

Edited November 4, 2016 by aileD

[no big o]

When it comes to disclosure about the past in a relationship, I find I have friends who believe you should..and, some that you believe you shouldn't.

 

While I don't believe we have to share every single encounter or thing we've done (who remembers them all anyways), those things that have changed us and made us who we are today, seem important to share.

 

During my 22 year marriage I cheated on my exh 3 times. I was young, miserable and didn't believe I could make it out on my own without him. I felt guilty the first time it happened. Then, after that, it got easier. There was still some guilt, but I was looking out for my best interest and what I wanted and needed. It was selfish and inconsiderate and wrong.

 

Forward 10 years and I'm in a relationship with someone who abhors cheaters. Hates them. Despises them. Thinks they all should rot in hell.

 

And, here I am...full well knowing that I had a past that included the behavior he despises so much.

 

Because I wanted an honest and open relationship, I had to tell him. I say "had" for me. Not because someone else said I should or shouldn't. Deep down I knew if I kept a former part of myself hidden away, it would eat at me. Deep dark secrets are no fun. And, in relationships they can be a deal breaker.

 

My bf understood this was situational. I have not cheated on him (or anyone else for that matter after the exh) nor do I desire to. People are allowed to make mistakes, re-evaluate their decisions and work to improve themselves. To judge someone on a choice made many years ago when they've obviously recognized it as a mistake, is just very narrow minded.

 

While I understand how this is eating away at you as meaning you will never find anyone who will accept this; realize someone who truly loves you will work with you through this..not condemn you for it. Anyone who does, isn't really the right person anyways.

 

Trust me when I say, keeping the dirty 'secret' is definitely much harder than letting it go.

[Ossiris]

You don't have to worry man. You not damaged. Work on your self esteem issues.