JSteel Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 There's something that weighs heavily in my mind, especially in regard to my desire and ability to have meaningful relationships in the future. I have been with several escorts. Nine, by count. This is all in the recent past. All happened over the span of about 2 years. I stopped because I came to see it as repulsive, and degrading. And I've increasingly come to view it in more negative terms. I feel ashamed to have debased human beings in that way, to have commodified sex, etc. To quote John Newton "It will always be a subject of humiliating reflection to me, that I was once an active instrument in a business at which my heart now shudders." Honestly, it was just...a difficult time for me. My hormones were all out of whack. But beyond that my first times having sex were a total debacle. I couldn't even get it up. It was humiliating. I had no confidence in myself. I barely had any confidence to begin with which is why I had only had sex like a couple times before that. I had such a hard time finding people it almost seemed impossible. I'm not ugly, I just never learned the basics of dating. I thought I was never going to be able to have a relationship again. I eventually entertained the idea of going to an escort just to see if I could have better luck. Sometimes it got better, but I still had problems so I was compelled to keep doing it. At that time, I had a different view of prostitution so I didn't see what was wrong with it. It was a view that I guess was informed by the way it's sometimes romanticized in the media. It just seemed like it's something men do sometimes. Eventually I think my erectile problem went away but I was just totally disgusted with myself by then. I wish I could take it all back. I know having done all this will affect people's perception of me forever With that said, I worry that I'll never be able to find a partner again. I've done a lot of work to improve every aspect of myself, physical, mental and spiritual. I've tried very hard to learn all the things I didn't know that were preventing me from finding people. But I can't escape the gravity of what I've done. I'm positive I wasn't involved with anyone who was trafficked into it, but the idea of reducing another human to an object like that makes my stomach churn now. Will I ever be able to tell partners about this? It goes without saying I'm getting tested and making sure I'm STD free, but beyond that is it something I should bring up? I just don't know how to make peace with myself. I've thought about volunteering or donating to orgs that help women in this kind of position but I can't ever take back what I did and it's eating me from the inside. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm ranting but I just need to vent and I don't really know any other platform where I can do that. Am I a bad person? Do you think I still deserve a relationship? How can I ever atone for this?
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I'm not sure where this guilt is coming from (religious background?) But all we can really tell you is to stop beating yourself up over it. People use prostitutes since the beginning of time. You changed your ways, so now it's time to forgive yourself so you can move forward. You could seek out a therapist to work through this. 11
Author JSteel Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 I know it's existed since the beginning of time but I don't think that makes it right. I'm not very religious but I guess you could say the worldview I've developed definitely informs my outlook on this. I'm so deeply bothered not just by the act but how future partners will perceive it. I'm not sure I'll find someone that doesn't view me as disgusting for it. And I wouldn't even blame them for it.
Herbalist Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 The vast majority of people who have ever lived have done things that were wrong and in most cases they rationalized it to themselves when they were doing it. What is pretty rare is for someone to be able and willing to reflect on their actions and motives and so on, own up to the ways in which they have been wrong and then actually change to become better people. So you just need to look at the whole picture and the right person for you will also be someone who is able to see the whole picture. 3
sagamore Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Have you been checked for STDs? Has it been six months since your last encounter? If so, you have a clean bill of health and need not disclose to a future partner unless you feel you need to. Personally, I would light a candle, go to confession, do whatever you need to do for yourself and then move on. The past is the past. You deserve a relationship and seeing a few escorts hardly disqualifies you from achieving that. Good luck. 3
Cephalopod Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Quit dwelling on it. You paid women for sex. They agreed to it. It was a business transaction. I don't see a big difference between paying an escort $400 and spending $400 on a woman for an expensive dinner, drinks and a movie and maybe staying a 25% chance of getting laid if you are lucky. Make sure you are STD free before dating, and cut yourself some slack. It's not like you were dealing drugs, stealing retirement funds or molesting infants. 2
Author JSteel Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 It hasn't been 6 months. I'm probably going to actively and routinely get myself checked out until I'm in the clear. And I know they agreed to it, but I think it's wrong to see that as the end of the story. It is certainly not something they would agree to under normal circumstances. It's coerced agreement at best, in that it's coerced by their circumstances. I doubt the vast majority of sex workers actively desire to remain in their position. I feel like participating is taking advantage of that vulnerability. And it reduces this human to an object of pleasure. I think the whole transaction is just inhuman and gross and that's what makes me so sick to have been a part of it. 1
sagamore Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Get a therapist to deal with your self-loathing. And start owning your sexual choices. Don't like what you did in the past? Change it. But don't subject some future woman to your own personal Shame Olympics. 5
mortensorchid Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Guilt? Feeling icky about it all? Well ... Yes, it's not completely bad to feel a bit of guilt over it, but if you let that overtake everything and anything, that's when you have a serious problem and are letting the guilt / the past take over your future. If you are determined to fail, you will fail. If you are determined to succeed, you will succeed. Facts. That aside, since you did what you did, take appropriate steps (get tested, take Rx, etc.). Is there any need to mention this to the next respectable girl who comes along let alone anyone else? No, not really. Your past in your past. It's something major, to be sure. We all have secrets. Do you want to know all of the secrets of people around you? As I age, I realize, I really, really do not. Ignorance is bliss, stay out of things with people. They really don't need to know certain things about you and vice versa. 1
LastAcorn99 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 What you did was definitely not right, and it’s good that you’re feeling remorseful over this. That said, as you acknowledge how wrong you’ve been, you also need to learn to forgive yourself. Guilt can eat up a person from the inside and destroy them. For this reason, I would suggest that you either see a pastor and/or a therapist. Regarding disclosing about your past to a future life partner, i believe in being completely honest about my past with the person I plan on living the rest of my life with. If that person cannot accept me for who I am, the good and the bad, there really cannot be hope for a healthy trusting–respecting relationship. I hope you find the forgiveness you’re seeking, and continue to choose the right path. I’ll pray for you -- blessings! 1
Toodaloo Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 You are going way over the top here. I think the therapist is a good idea. Look. Its not the best of skeletons I will say that but quite frankly if you are clear, if you treated those women kindly and with respect while you were with them all be is a business transaction then... I am afraid I do not see that much of a wrong doing here. They knew what it was and so did you. No worse than a one night stand. Except the woman in this case is under no illusions... I think you have greater issues about your self worth and confidence and that perhaps those would be better sorted so you do not get yourself into this sort of pickle again. Just calm down and get some help. 3
sandylee1 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Why do you feel you have to tell them? It's in your past. The worry would be if you're likely to be in a relationship and then cheat with an escort. That seems to be a very difficult betrayal to get to grips with. 1
mikeylo Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Why do you feel you have to tell them? It's in your past. The person he dates needs to know to make an informed decision. For many , it will be a deal breaker, even if it's in the past. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I know it's existed since the beginning of time but I don't think that makes it right. I'm not very religious but I guess you could say the worldview I've developed definitely informs my outlook on this. I'm so deeply bothered not just by the act but how future partners will perceive it. I'm not sure I'll find someone that doesn't view me as disgusting for it. And I wouldn't even blame them for it. How long ago?
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 If prostitution was legalized and properly regulated (which it should IMO) would you still feel this guilt?
Cephalopod Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I think as long as you have yourself regularly tested and you are STD free, then your sexual past is your business. I do not ask the women I date about their sexual pasts. That is their business. The only business I want to know is if they are satisfied with me sexually. If they are not they are free to move on. You are taking this shame way overboard.
Miss Peach Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Some women will have a problem with it but I wouldn't if someone was STD free and had shown me what they did to get out of that place mentally. A lot of the women who would be bothered with it are probably more into a don't ask don't tell policy. I am not but the revaluation of prostitute per se wouldn't bother me. I would be looking more at how you got into it and what have you done since. What it sounds like to me OP is you probably got yourself there but the idea of not being good enough. You may have recovered to the point of not seeing out prostitution to deal with it but you are still beating yourself up. Besides getting checked for STDs I would work on your self esteem. 1
Author JSteel Posted November 1, 2016 Author Posted November 1, 2016 (edited) If prostitution was legalized and properly regulated (which it should IMO) would you still feel this guilt? Definitely. I think the transaction is just inherently...exploitative, objectifying, etc. I absolutely agree that it should be legal (or maybe decriminalized), if nothing else for the safety of the sex workers but I think that's separate from the morality of it. How long ago? I think it's been a couple months by now and I've spent a lot of time mulling over it. The person he dates needs to know to make an informed decision. For many , it will be a deal breaker, even if it's in the past. This is part of what troubles me about the whole thing so much. I don't want to ruin my relationships with this part of my past. I wish I could just take it all back but I can't. It just feels so unfair for it to stay my feet that way. I feel like the person who started doing this is a totally different person, you know. I really believe that people are capable of change and I want to believe this for myself as well. But I know few people will be able to understand this or see it from that perspective. Edited November 1, 2016 by JSteel
Author JSteel Posted November 1, 2016 Author Posted November 1, 2016 (edited) Why do you feel you have to tell them? It's in your past. The worry would be if you're likely to be in a relationship and then cheat with an escort. That seems to be a very difficult betrayal to get to grips with. Would never consider it. All I really wanted the entire time was a meaningful partnership. I stopped doing it for a while when I thought I had one but then it went to sh-t and I relapsed out of frustration. You are going way over the top here. I think the therapist is a good idea. Look. Its not the best of skeletons I will say that but quite frankly if you are clear, if you treated those women kindly and with respect while you were with them all be is a business transaction then... I am afraid I do not see that much of a wrong doing here. They knew what it was and so did you. No worse than a one night stand. Except the woman in this case is under no illusions... I think you have greater issues about your self worth and confidence and that perhaps those would be better sorted so you do not get yourself into this sort of pickle again. Just calm down and get some help. I think I did go over the top with the self depreciation in a fit of anxiety. I feel a lot more calm now but I think it was important for me to be emphatic about how much regret I've experienced over this. I think the problem is exactly with seeing sex, and another human by extension, as a business transaction. I think that's a terrible way of looking at another human. Especially when none of these women would have ever wanted to be in their position. Edited November 1, 2016 by JSteel 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 Look, unless what you are writing here for us to see are after-thoughts you don't fundamentally believe and are only doing it for justification then it's understandable that you would still feel all this guilt. It doesn't appear that way but you would know best and you don't need to justify it to anyone else. Guilt is there to remind you of something ugly you have done that has either hurt others or yourself but it is also there to teach you about and help you learn from those mistakes. We all feel guilt for our actions at one point or another. You have proven that you are willing to learn from that something that has made you feel uncomfortable so now it's time to move past those icky feelings and to close that experience in your vault and truly move on. As per how you will ever tell a future relationship about this, you won't tell anyone. There is no reason for anyone to know all and every single one of our deepest secrets. As long as you didn't contract any disease that could be passed on to another partner then there is no point ever discussing this. Don't be so hard on yourself. It is what it is. Heck, some people have been with partners that have had more sex partners than a prostitute and there was no money exchange but the act is the same so....
BC1980 Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 Pretty much everyone has skeletons in their closets. You might need to take some time before you date and speak with a therapist about this. Nothing you have done makes you unworthy of a relationship. 1
mikeylo Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 True but if only we all could undo our pasts that we are not proud of? The right thing is to tell, rest is upto you. You can't take away someone's right to decide on such an important part of your life. You relapsed. Who is to say you won't again? Without intensive therapy, you most probably will again do it. Unless you are free for a good number of years, i personally wouldn't suggest getting into any relationship.
elaine567 Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 Many people have pasts that they are not proud of, but the fact you crossed the "line" and paid for sex, will not be acceptable to many women, true. Yes, there is the "ickiness" element, but there is also a trust element. If he has got over the mental hurdle of actually paying for sex, then escorts/prostitutes are everywhere, how can she ever trust him not to go back to them? You have already "relapsed" out of frustration, so the "problem" is on-going, and that does make you poor relationship material for any woman who believes in monogamy. All very well saying you feel "Oh so guilty" and venting about how "wrong" it all is, but if your actions do not back up your words, then any woman who gets into a supposedly monogamous relationship with you is destined for heartbreak. 2
Space Ritual Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 J. Steel. I am sorry you are having a crisis of conscience about this. I pretty much spent the Lion's share of my early 20's back in the mid 80's putting cocaine up stripper's and hooker's noses in exchange for sex. By most people's standards I would be considered something just this side of scumbag but I make no apologies for it. I was single, was not cheating on anyone and I always used protection. It was just the life I led back then. I fell in love a few years later and after a streak of really bad luck kind of reformed myself and have been clean and sober now for well over 20 years. I would like to have said that I did those things because I was sexually inexperienced or had some internal struggle but I would be lying. The fact of the matter was I enjoyed myself and I enjoyed the company of fellow members of the other side of the tracks. I still get tested every year at least to this day but I have had no repercussions healthwise. Being that your dalliances with the underbelly of society are fairly recent, if you get into a dating situation in the near future you might want to be upfront if asked that you had multiple partners in the recent past. I am a believer in brutal honesty and always have been, even if it was detrimental to me. I think that you are selling yourself short however. You do realize that even though you were banging hookers they are human beings to, with feelings and wants and needs. So not all your interaction with them was phony. If it was they would keep a hawk eye on their watches and chew gum through the entire act. You probably learned more sexually than you imagine. I sure as hell did. lol Don't think about it too much as it's not like you are Caligula....although I do say even now I would not mind getting into a time machine and hanging out with him for a day or two... 2
Author JSteel Posted November 2, 2016 Author Posted November 2, 2016 I can understand why you guys think it's possible for me to relapse again, but feeling the way I do I really don't see how I could. Back then I didn't look at it the same way I do now. I thought it was maybe a little pitiful that I did it but I didn't really see view with the complete scorn that I do right now. I guess you could say I've come to an epiphany about it over time. I'm not even enjoying porn like I used to. But I can tell you that even back when I was still doing it, it would have never crossed my mind to cheat on a girlfriend with a sex worker. A relationship is all I really wanted all along so even without the guilt I feel now I can't really see how I could have sunk THAT low (and I sunk pretty low as it was!). If I hadn't been single I'm certain I would have never gone through this phase of my life But I do think you are right that it would be healthy to avoid relationships for maybe a year or two. While I sort out my thoughts.
Recommended Posts