spiderowl Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 BIt of a weird situation here. It would really help if someone independent could give me their view on it, particular from a guy's point of view. Been chatting online to a guy for ages, months now. we really clicked and had a great connection. He is separated and it was too soon for a relationship for him (his view). We were going to meet as friends but somehow he always withdrew before finally confirming this so it didn't happen. He seemed to get nervous. We almost met a couple of times. He actually got very defensive and not nice when it was close to one planned meeting so he pretty much self-sabotaged it and it didn't happen. I felt upset by his behaviour but I know he is going through a lot and he's just not at that stage yet. I came to the conclusion that a meeting with him wasn't going to happen in the forseeable future and that I should be open to meeting others. Given that we had agreed to be 'friends' rather than there being any romantic connection, there seemed to be no reason why I should not go ahead and meet others if the opportunity arose. Well, literally all of a sudden I got chatting to a guy and we got on really well. He is very keen to meet and we will be doing (all being well). I was in a dilemma. Although guy I had been chatting to did not get round to meeting, I feel he is very attached so I felt quite guilty. I decided I had to say something to him and told him I might meet someone. It just didn't seem right to me not to, even though we are not in a 'relationship'. I'm not sure what he feels about this but he has been less communicative. So now I'm going to meet this other guy soon. This is good for me, but I don't want to abandon the chatting guy because I liked him, we had a good connection, we are similar in lots of respects, and he is a friend. He also needs someone because he's quite alone. But, do I say anything to new guy? I'm not going to get into a romantic relationship with chatting guy so he's not a 'rival' or anything but if the new guy thinks I'm in touch with another guy he might not be happy. He seems a bit insecure as it is. I'm worried he might look at my phone or something and get the wrong idea about it all. I don't want to lie to anyone or abandon a friend. What would you do? 1
JewelD Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Have you met the online guy? If not, then you don't really owe him any explanations, especially when he jerked you around about meeting. Maybe he was nervous because he is not a single man? For all you know, he could be married or our dating other women. and if he is not a rival, then why do you feel you need to tell him you're going to date someone else? Why would a platonic friend need to know that info? As far as the new guy, you haven't even met him but you already suspect he is insecure enough to check your phone? and get mad about you talking to your platonic friend? You might be creating issues that don't exist. You don't have to lie, but you are not obligated to tell them about each other at this point. You haven't even met either one yet. If it was me, I would get rid of the online chatting guy because he doesn't even have the decency to meet you for coffee. If he's so lonely, why doesn't he want to meet and be not lonely with you? Sketchy. I would go on a date with the new guy and not tell him anything about chat guy because it's the first date and he should be focused on getting to know you as a person and seeing if there's a connection. 3
Author spiderowl Posted October 30, 2016 Author Posted October 30, 2016 I don't know, just feel I can't mislead or lie to either guy because they are decent guys. The chat guy has problems I know and has otherwise been really good to me. I care about him. New guy happens to work in cell phone business, hence my worries. I don't think he'd do anything behind my back but he won't miss anything either.
MJJean Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 You don't know the guy you are chatting with online. You only know what he claims. You have never met, you have no idea if you actually have a connection or if it's all in your head. What you do and who you do it with is none of his business and it's not the business of this new guy, either, unless you decide to become an exclusive thing. 2
Author spiderowl Posted October 30, 2016 Author Posted October 30, 2016 True, I only know what he claims at the moment, but I'm getting a good picture. I know it's all new. Just don't want to mistreat anyone or feel I'm hiding anything. I like to be honest with people.
JewelD Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 I don't know, just feel I can't mislead or lie to either guy because they are decent guys. The chat guy has problems I know and has otherwise been really good to me. I care about him. New guy happens to work in cell phone business, hence my worries. I don't think he'd do anything behind my back but he won't miss anything either. You haven't met them in person yet. They might be complete asshats in real life. If the new guy hacks your cell phone or something, that's a violation and he should be dumped for that reason alone, regardless of what he finds. 3
Gloria25 Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 IMO, you have status with neither of these guys. Just relax and get to know both of them. Before sex and/or exclusivity is when I believe a decision needs to be made. And, when you make that decision, you don't have to be like 'Uh, I'm dumping you for another guy'. You simply tell them it didn't work out. And, when you think about it, 'Didn't work out' is the truth cuz whomever you decide to go with, you're going with him cuz something's not working with the guy you're dumping. 1
MJJean Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 True, I only know what he claims at the moment, but I'm getting a good picture. I know it's all new. Just don't want to mistreat anyone or feel I'm hiding anything. I like to be honest with people. No, you aren't. You're getting a good picture of what he claims. Unless you have met and seen where/how he lives, you don't know anything but what he tells you. Which may or may not be the truth. Your mistake is thinking people are as honest as you. 2
Author spiderowl Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 Thanks, it really helps to be reminded of the status of things. It's easy to get bogged down in worrying about things that haven't happened yet. I know it's early days and I am not trusting but alert too. I'm not worried about hacking. I just know this guy won't miss a thing and want to be sure I'm going about this in a decent and fair way.
MJJean Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Thanks, it really helps to be reminded of the status of things. It's easy to get bogged down in worrying about things that haven't happened yet. I know it's early days and I am not trusting but alert too. I'm not worried about hacking. I just know this guy won't miss a thing and want to be sure I'm going about this in a decent and fair way. You're all adults here. Unless/until you discuss and agree to exclusivity, you are free to speak to and even sleep with whoever you please and so is the person you're dating. 1
JewelD Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Thanks, it really helps to be reminded of the status of things. It's easy to get bogged down in worrying about things that haven't happened yet. I know it's early days and I am not trusting but alert too. I'm not worried about hacking. I just know this guy won't miss a thing and want to be sure I'm going about this in a decent and fair way. You're not in a relationship with him so what is unfair about you having an online buddy? Maybe he has one too.
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