soph-walker Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Hi How many of you seem to be going on new dates but not finding a 'click' with the person sat in front of you, because you're either not physically attracted to that person or you're not personality-compatible? I seem to be perpetually dating again. I've had a couple of successes which turned into exclusive relationships but due to whatever reasons, they weren't compatible in the long run. I don't think I'm being picky as I've dated many different types of guy in terms of appearance, personality etc...How many dates do you go on with someone if you're not sure about them?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Hi How many of you seem to be going on new dates but not finding a 'click' with the person sat in front of you, because you're either not physically attracted to that person or you're not personality-compatible? I seem to be perpetually dating again. I've had a couple of successes which turned into exclusive relationships but due to whatever reasons, they weren't compatible in the long run. I don't think I'm being picky as I've dated many different types of guy in terms of appearance, personality etc...How many dates do you go on with someone if you're not sure about them? One or two at best. There is some angst during a first date, so I take that into account and sometimes ask for a second. After the second, if there isn't something more, it ends.
lakerman34 Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 (edited) Hi How many of you seem to be going on new dates but not finding a 'click' with the person sat in front of you, because you're either not physically attracted to that person or you're not personality-compatible? I seem to be perpetually dating again. I've had a couple of successes which turned into exclusive relationships but due to whatever reasons, they weren't compatible in the long run. I don't think I'm being picky as I've dated many different types of guy in terms of appearance, personality etc...How many dates do you go on with someone if you're not sure about them? I'm going through the same thing, and I've put a LOT of thought into this. I'm only 26 years old, and I'd say I've been on dates with 20 something women. What I've noticed is this: sometimes, I'm VERY attracted to the girl sitting across from me, and because of this, it is EASIER for me to create sexual tension. This are the "relationships" that last a little bit (sometimes up to a year), but ultimately fizzle out b/c the only REAL thing I "connected" with them is that we were both just attractive, sexual people who wanted to have sex with each other. Then, there are the ones who I think are great people, but just no physical attraction. Here, it's like going to dinner with a guy friend. You enjoy it, but it's almost work to go on each date. I don't know if I've ever been in a true relationship where I liked the other person for who they were AND find them attractive. So, this is what I've found. Divorce rates are INCREDIBLY high in this country, and I think that's because people are afraid of being alone, go on a couple of dates with someone, there is a faux-connection (mostly due to attraction), and after some time, they end up engaged and married. I see this happening more and more with friends & acquaintances. Gone, it seems, are the days that you meet someone, go on occasional dates, build up steam for a couple of months, actually are IN A RELATIONSHIP for a couple of years, ask to move in, and THEN decide that you are ready to marry. People are in too much of a hurry to find "the one" that they end up with someone who, ultimately, isn't right for them. So, the way I figure, be patient. I really, truly do believe the whole "when you know, you know" thing. I hear that each of us have MANY 'the ones,' but I view the fact that I haven't found a single one of mine optimistically; I'm not your average dude. I have a LOT going for me, so there aren't going to be a lot of ladies out there that are going to be right for me. Very few will blow me away. Honestly, my advice (and recently, I've started doing this too) is just have fun with the opposite sex, NEVER HAVE EXPECTATIONS (super important), continue to do you, find a profession you love, and one day, the right guy will come into your life, and you'll (and he'll) just know it's right. My $0.02. EDIT: Also, worth noting, if I find someone decent after a first date, I'll usually give them a second (first date is just to make sure neither of you are a serial killer, super weird, and to get rid of any nerves). After the second date I decide whether they are worth moving forward with or not. More times than not, they aren't. Edited October 30, 2016 by lakerman34 4
thecrucible Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I'm going through the same thing, and I've put a LOT of thought into this. I'm only 26 years old, and I'd say I've been on dates with 20 something women. I can totally see where you are coming from. I'm 26 too and I relate to your post so much. I've been on lots of dates too - some with wild attraction and some with good on paper guys whom I'm unable to develop deep feelings for no matter how hard I try. However I have got past the point of letting sexual attraction cloud my judgement. I dated a guy about a year ago and sexual attraction was through the roof (for me) but it didn't feel 'right' to me and I'm glad I cut it off before it got that point. I now go on dates with more of an open mind but I'd say that I rarely feel a strong sexual attraction. I think when you're in the frame of mind to really look for something long-term, your sex drive gets more compartmentalised. I don't even want to go down the diverting road of dating someone not right for me even if they really appeal to me visually. I don't know if I've ever been in a true relationship where I liked the other person for who they were AND find them attractive. So, this is what I've found. I get this too! I think we all change so much in our twenties. I'm sure I loved previous bfs as some I dated for years at a time. But I look back and I sometimes doubt that I did because I have a different attitude towards relationships now. Gone, it seems, are the days that you meet someone, go on occasional dates, build up steam for a couple of months, actually are IN A RELATIONSHIP for a couple of years, ask to move in, and THEN decide that you are ready to marry. People are in too much of a hurry to find "the one" that they end up with someone who, ultimately, isn't right for them. I think sometimes people do rush into things because they feel a pressure to settle down. Life experience and timing affects it as well. You simply both have to be in the right mindset at that time to really make it work. I'd rather take my time now. I know couples who have divorced even though they have been together for a long time because they met when they were younger and, over the course of the relationship, they changed a lot. I have a LOT going for me, so there aren't going to be a lot of ladies out there that are going to be right for me. Very few will blow me away. What special qualities do you think are hard to find and make a woman right for you? OP, do you feel the same? I have a few myself although I try not to be too picky. There are just a few that I don't think I can really sacrifice for a long-term relationship. Also, worth noting, if I find someone decent after a first date, I'll usually give them a second (first date is just to make sure neither of you are a serial killer, super weird, and to get rid of any nerves). After the second date I decide whether they are worth moving forward with or not. More times than not, they aren't. I agree. I personally think two dates is enough. I used to 'umm' and 'errr' a lot but really when it comes down to it, you need to be honest with yourself. This can feel a little cold sometimes but the thought of leading someone on unnecessarily poisons my mind. There have been a couple of guys I regretted not pursuing but I actually think that I've learned more overall from being decisive than not. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 One or two and thats it. I can't be bothered to be messing about dating guys I am not all that interested in to see if one day I might be. Sounds harsh but whats the point? At first I was all gung ho about dating. I was going on 2-4 a week. These days I can't be bothered and if I am not all that bothered then chances are I will not be in real life either... I am much more selective these days. Had a first date last night and was the first "first" date I have had since I broke up with t'other one two months ago. Was a good date. Great guy. I want to find out more. Don't know if it will go anywhere. But it is as it is. Good news is that when I do bother to go out on dates these days it is with men that I am interested in and who are interested in me. Makes it much more fun and far less tedious. 1
transform yourself Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I don't think I'm being picky as I've dated many different types of guy in terms of appearance, personality etc...How many dates do you go on with someone if you're not sure about them? Personally I would say in the region between 2 to 3 dates. You can tell if there is chemistry or not. The things I look out for is -Whether you can be your silly self around them without feeling inhibited. -They laugh at your stupid jokes. -There is a 50:50 division in conversation meaning one of them is not doing most of the talking. -You feel like you've known them for a long time, related to first point. -You can flirt light heartedly and spike things up by dating jokes/sexual jokes and there is no awkwardness Remember you are a unique individual and you will not resonate with everybody and believe that person will come along. So going back to your question, I would say 2 maximum 3 dates before you know if you want to see that person again if you feel you are on the same page. 1
Miss Peach Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I've noticed with women it can be more of a slow burn than with men. Women usually require a base level of attraction and a man can raise or lower it through his personality, treatment of her, etc. So unless I really don't want to spend time with someone, they exhibit deal breakers to me, etc. I will usually go up to about 3 dates. If chemistry isn't there by 3 dates then I assume it won't be and let the guy go. I've noticed men seem to feel attracted first and then get to know the woman. The seem to know within 2-3 dates whether they want to pursue the woman and for what purpose (i.e., sex, relationship).
Author soph-walker Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 Interesting to read your experiences and I feel relieved that it's not just me that this is happening too. Iit's hard to know what others' experience is these days as face to face people aren't always telling it like it is, so thanks to those of you who ventured their POV. Lakerman, I have this exact same problem...I can meet plenty of guys that would *on paper* be ideal for me but in person I don't find them even the tiniest bit attractive or fanciable. If I generally find a guy fanciable and it's reciprocated, I let it run its course knowing fine well that it's not ever going to be a longtermer. And never the twain shall meet!! I ask my friends who are in long term relationships what their secret is and the majority say that neither party felt an explosive, animal attraction but enjoyed being around one another so took it from there. I'm a little torn in what to do, I think it would be completely unacceptable to let a guy have up to a 3rd date with me if I wasn't sure about him as surely this would only serve to waste his time and lead him on if he was interested. Failing that, I don't see how I can do anything but carry on the continual dating.
lakerman34 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Interesting to read your experiences and I feel relieved that it's not just me that this is happening too. Iit's hard to know what others' experience is these days as face to face people aren't always telling it like it is, so thanks to those of you who ventured their POV. Lakerman, I have this exact same problem...I can meet plenty of guys that would *on paper* be ideal for me but in person I don't find them even the tiniest bit attractive or fanciable. If I generally find a guy fanciable and it's reciprocated, I let it run its course knowing fine well that it's not ever going to be a longtermer. And never the twain shall meet!! I ask my friends who are in long term relationships what their secret is and the majority say that neither party felt an explosive, animal attraction but enjoyed being around one another so took it from there. I'm a little torn in what to do, I think it would be completely unacceptable to let a guy have up to a 3rd date with me if I wasn't sure about him as surely this would only serve to waste his time and lead him on if he was interested. Failing that, I don't see how I can do anything but carry on the continual dating. A wise man once told me, "if you have that feeling of butterflies in your stomach, that anxiety whenever you see her because you like her so much you want to make sure you are saying/doing the right thing to keep her, my brother, she ain't it." The right person will make you feel happy, excited, but it will be EASY, not hard. There are PLENTY of women that I LOVE being in their company, talking to them, getting to know them, joking with them, and I love having them around and hearing their laugh. I can name 2 women like this at my work. Dating material? Maybe. Relationship material? My gut tells me no. When I change my job, if I'm going to be honest (and may come off as a douche), I may try and see if one of them is done for FWB (she's 22, super cute, fun to be around, just not compatible with me), but in terms of RELATIONSHIP, I'm not feeling it.
Author soph-walker Posted November 1, 2016 Author Posted November 1, 2016 A wise man once told me, "if you have that feeling of butterflies in your stomach, that anxiety whenever you see her because you like her so much you want to make sure you are saying/doing the right thing to keep her, my brother, she ain't it." The right person will make you feel happy, excited, but it will be EASY, not hard. There are PLENTY of women that I LOVE being in their company, talking to them, getting to know them, joking with them, and I love having them around and hearing their laugh. I can name 2 women like this at my work. Dating material? Maybe. Relationship material? My gut tells me no. When I change my job, if I'm going to be honest (and may come off as a douche), I may try and see if one of them is done for FWB (she's 22, super cute, fun to be around, just not compatible with me), but in terms of RELATIONSHIP, I'm not feeling it. Pretty sure that there's a quote by Buddha about how you won't feel nervous when you meet the right person for you, there will only be calm. On a base level though, I would just like to feel some attraction towards whoever sat in front of me on a date, it helps propel things forward.
Toodaloo Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 Soph when I have met the "right men" (she says not having actually met he right one yet) there has always been a twinge of excitement, happiness to be around them and I have felt uplifted when I look at them even after dating them for years! My advice is do what is right for you but don't waste time. If you are not excited or looking forward to seeing them or their text message or phone call... It isn't going to happen on any level. 1
lakerman34 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I can totally see where you are coming from. I'm 26 too and I relate to your post so much. I've been on lots of dates too - some with wild attraction and some with good on paper guys whom I'm unable to develop deep feelings for no matter how hard I try. However I have got past the point of letting sexual attraction cloud my judgement. I dated a guy about a year ago and sexual attraction was through the roof (for me) but it didn't feel 'right' to me and I'm glad I cut it off before it got that point. I now go on dates with more of an open mind but I'd say that I rarely feel a strong sexual attraction. I think when you're in the frame of mind to really look for something long-term, your sex drive gets more compartmentalised. I don't even want to go down the diverting road of dating someone not right for me even if they really appeal to me visually. I get this too! I think we all change so much in our twenties. I'm sure I loved previous bfs as some I dated for years at a time. But I look back and I sometimes doubt that I did because I have a different attitude towards relationships now. I think sometimes people do rush into things because they feel a pressure to settle down. Life experience and timing affects it as well. You simply both have to be in the right mindset at that time to really make it work. I'd rather take my time now. I know couples who have divorced even though they have been together for a long time because they met when they were younger and, over the course of the relationship, they changed a lot. What special qualities do you think are hard to find and make a woman right for you? OP, do you feel the same? I have a few myself although I try not to be too picky. There are just a few that I don't think I can really sacrifice for a long-term relationship. I agree. I personally think two dates is enough. I used to 'umm' and 'errr' a lot but really when it comes down to it, you need to be honest with yourself. This can feel a little cold sometimes but the thought of leading someone on unnecessarily poisons my mind. There have been a couple of guys I regretted not pursuing but I actually think that I've learned more overall from being decisive than not. My "special qualities" range from the superficial to the profound. I think we all have our own set. More profound: I graduated from a top school, will be attending a top business program, I'm very self-assured and confident, intelligent, friendly guy who gets along with everyone, witty, and way more humble than I probably appear on this forum. I'm very financially stable, I care a LOT for the people I love (will literally give my life for most of them), and am dedicating my life to helping others. More superficial: Well.....I can list a few things haha. A lot of it is sexual, so I guess I'll leave it to the imagination? Otherwise, I take VERY good care of my body, am attractive, and because I'm mixed with two VERY different races, I don't look cookie-cutter at all.
LookAtThisPOst Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I'm going through the same thing, and I've put a LOT of thought into this. I'm only 26 years old, and I'd say I've been on dates with 20 something women. What I've noticed is this: sometimes, I'm VERY attracted to the girl sitting across from me, and because of this, it is EASIER for me to create sexual tension. This are the "relationships" that last a little bit (sometimes up to a year), but ultimately fizzle out b/c the only REAL thing I "connected" with them is that we were both just attractive, sexual people who wanted to have sex with each other. Then, there are the ones who I think are great people, but just no physical attraction. Here, it's like going to dinner with a guy friend. You enjoy it, but it's almost work to go on each date. I don't know if I've ever been in a true relationship where I liked the other person for who they were AND find them attractive. So, this is what I've found. Divorce rates are INCREDIBLY high in this country, and I think that's because people are afraid of being alone, go on a couple of dates with someone, there is a faux-connection (mostly due to attraction), and after some time, they end up engaged and married. I see this happening more and more with friends & acquaintances. Gone, it seems, are the days that you meet someone, go on occasional dates, build up steam for a couple of months, actually are IN A RELATIONSHIP for a couple of years, ask to move in, and THEN decide that you are ready to marry. People are in too much of a hurry to find "the one" that they end up with someone who, ultimately, isn't right for them. So, the way I figure, be patient. I really, truly do believe the whole "when you know, you know" thing. I hear that each of us have MANY 'the ones,' but I view the fact that I haven't found a single one of mine optimistically; I'm not your average dude. I have a LOT going for me, so there aren't going to be a lot of ladies out there that are going to be right for me. Very few will blow me away. Honestly, my advice (and recently, I've started doing this too) is just have fun with the opposite sex, NEVER HAVE EXPECTATIONS (super important), continue to do you, find a profession you love, and one day, the right guy will come into your life, and you'll (and he'll) just know it's right. My $0.02. EDIT: Also, worth noting, if I find someone decent after a first date, I'll usually give them a second (first date is just to make sure neither of you are a serial killer, super weird, and to get rid of any nerves). After the second date I decide whether they are worth moving forward with or not. More times than not, they aren't. I think a lot of divorces are happening because people aren't willing to work on their marriages. And some of these divorces are not beause of infedelity, drug/alcohol abuse, regular abuse, it's like "Okay, I outgrew you" and whatever poor sap she files papers on after 20 years (yes, some let it go that long) or it could be shorter...leaves the dumpee in a wreck...with her...carefree and happy.
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