RainbowRose Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 My boyfriend will not stand up for me and I am trying to decide if he's in the wrong or not. It keeps happening throughout the relationship where I feel like I'm being disrespected by people in his life. Examples: 1. His ex girlfriend: she has hated me from day one; very jealous type of girl who kept leaving him voicemail messages etc when he and I first started dating. She's called me every insult in the book - "air headed", "crazy", "possessive", etc etc - and every single time he has refused to stand up for me to her, he just lets her say these things. When I suggest he should stand up for me he says no because he "wants to keep the peace", "doesn't want to be quarrelsome", etc. 2. Yesterday it also happened with one of his friends: we were having a political debate. He said rude things. For example he kept speaking over me; when I made a point he said "that's the worst argument you could possibly come up with". I said "no it's not" (yes perhaps I was a bit flustered when I said this) and tried to say my point, he continued to the table "before I was cut off" and continued to speak his points and not acknowledge me. I thought this was rather rude and coming from a place of assumed intellectual superiority. According to my boyfriend after yesterday's interaction with his friend he thinks that I am "dramatic", "need to control my emotions" and too "complicated and quarrelsome". He told me he didn't think his friend was out of line. I can't help but feel that when people in his life disrespect me and he does nothing about it / puts the focus on my reaction to their disrespect, it's because he values peace with them more than he values our relationship. I prefer to be able to stand up for myself and when I feel disrespected I do not stand for it. Ideally I'd have a boyfriend who is also a bit protective but my boyfriend tends to not to be at all. Otherwise though he is a good boyfriend. I just don't feel valued when he doesn't have my back. What should I do? Am I right in feeling like his friend was rude?
Herbalist Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Well I would not put up that. I would not even treat a stranger on the street that way as far as talking over them and implying that they are inferior to me. I also would not tolerate someone treating a friend or other loved one of mine that way either. There is a whole theme going on in what you describe as well as far as a consistent message that you are inferior which has now included telling you that your mental health is inferior as well. It is unusual that you would tolerate this and even question yourself so have you been treated this way in the past, such as while growing up maybe?
basil67 Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 His friend may well be rude, but if you can't hold up your end of the argument in a debate, don't get into it. Your boyfriend is not required to defend you in a debate. The ex is a different story though because you weren't a willing participant in the issue. (Assuming he was single when he met you). He should have blocked all contact with her when she was speaking like that about you. 6
JewelD Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Why is he still receiving calls from his ex? I'd be more worried about why she's not blocked. As far as his friend, people tend to get heated in political debates, which I why I generally choose not to participate unless I'm just itching to do so. I don't think your boyfriend should have had to stand up for you on that point. You're a grown woman, you have a mouth, speak up for yourself. I wouldn't give a damn if I had just said the sky was green, I would have read his friend to filth. I think it's possible your bf has a point. Do you tend to get emotional? Did you take it out on him? Because he didn't force you to get involved in that debate. He should be there to support you, but this doesn't seem like a major deal. Just don't debate with that guy again unless you're ready to play the dozens when he gets out of line. 2
kendahke Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 I prefer to be able to stand up for myself and when I feel disrespected I do not stand for it. Ideally I'd have a boyfriend who is also a bit protective but my boyfriend tends to not to be at all. Otherwise though he is a good boyfriend. I just don't feel valued when he doesn't have my back. What should I do? Am I right in feeling like his friend was rude? Welcome to being a woman with a mind of her own and a set of life experiences from which she draws and expresses her conclusions. As to what you should do--depends upon how badly you need this guy as your boyfriend, I suppose. If he's the kind of person who is trying to appease everyone's feelings but your own, then you have to take a good hard look at where you are on that priority list and figure out why you're ok with your feelings being so far down on his list and how much longer are you willing to be ok with your feelings being so far down on his priority list. He's already put you on notice that he ain't checking anyone but you. So his ex's feelings are more important than yours and his boy's feelings are more important than yours. If that's not OK with you, then clearly, you need to make a change in this situation 1
elaine567 Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 My boyfriend will not stand up for me and I am trying to decide if he's in the wrong or not. It keeps happening throughout the relationship where I feel like I'm being disrespected by people in his life. Ideally I'd have a boyfriend who is also a bit protective but my boyfriend tends to not to be at all. Otherwise though he is a good boyfriend. I just don't feel valued when he doesn't have my back. Having your back is an important quality in a partner/bf/husband/fnend. If you feel your bf doesn't have your back, and tends to consistently take the sides of others as opposed to your side, then that may be a deal breaker for you. Everyone needs people in their lives that stick up for them, when needed. Dating is about finding people who are the right people. If you want a protective bf who has your back and who looks out for you, then this guy isn't it, is he? 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Good for you for standing up for yourself as much as you could. Does your BF have similar political views? As yours? He may have been quiet b/c he agree with his friend, but not you. Indignation has been a staple now days. This guy sounds like a lackey or coward. He has no courage to stand up against his friends, believe me, he has little enduring courage overall.
Raena Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 He shouldn't need to stick up for you with his ex because she shouldn't have the opportunity to say those things to him about you. He should have cut it off with her already. The fact that he's still in contact with her is more concerning than him not telling her to keep her opinions to herself. As for the political debate... you stand on your own in that regard. He shouldn't have to "have your back" because those are your opinions and not everyone is going to agree with you... he may not even agree with you. This is why I never get into political debates with people unless I can handle them disagreeing with me. That's on you not your boyfriend. I can see why you would feel slighted by him not sticking up for you but he really shouldn't have to at all. Take care of yourself and don't expect a man to do it for you. 2
thecrucible Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I know how she feels. Even if you can defend yourself, it feels really isolating when your man doesn't stand up for you. Sorry, but it's true. I remember when with a former boyfriend, a man came out of nowhere and started berating me in the street in broad daylight. I defended myself a bit (through tears) but he didn't do much to defend me. I don't want to say that it lessened my respect for him but unfortunately it did. Now don't get me wrong either. If there's a chance that events could take a turn for the worse, I don't expect a man I'm dating to pick fights with people and get himself into trouble. I think if you get into a debate then you hold your own, but if OP was clearly getting upset, her bf could have at least told him to back off a bit.
eightytwenty Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Ex girlfriend... Other than her leaving crazy voice mails, I wouldn't worry about it. Now if he talks to her, I would definitely have a problem with that. Any kind of debate, anyone opens their mouth, they are fair game. That's the point of a debate. If the person is being rude, walk away, no reason to put up with it. Still, you involve yourself you have to be able to take those blows, and come back with something better. He shouldn't defend you in those situations. 1
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 This could go both ways. First off he shouldn't have let you listen to those messages from his ex....should have just blocked/delete, cut her off. In a hostile situation it is best to not poke the bear because the ex was looking for a reaction. When you don/t give them a reaction, they will eventually feel defeated and give up. If he started to defend you it would have been like adding gasoline to the fire, making things go crazy. Me personally would have dumped him. That kind of drama means their relationship wasn't over long enough. Too much bs, ewww. As for the political debate, you should have just walked away if you felt it was starting to derail. That would have been the adult thing to do. I can see it necessary if some guy was hitting on you or someone was being verbally or physically abusive towards you directly, then he should step in.....to me that is protecting your honor. You can wine about it to him all you want, he isn't going to change his spineless ways. If you wish to have a man that practices chivalry then find a new BF.
sagamore Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 You don't feel supported in this relationship. Why does it matter what a bunch of Internet strangers think? Find someone who makes you feel valued and accepted. When it's the right person, you won't need to post on a message board to know. Good luck! 3
Author RainbowRose Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 Hi all, Just an update: thanks for your comments, they're all helpful. Clarification: I wanted to clear up that I didn't expect my boyfriend to agree with me on the political issue (actually 99% of the time we disagree & all is well) I simply expect that I have the right to stand up for myself (when I did so my boyfriend told me I was indignant / emotional / etc etc) - he actually told the guy it was a "sensitive issue" for me - which felt more like an apology for me standing up for myself than anything else. I don't feel heard, backed up or ultimately respected by my boyfriend. I mean ideally he wouldn't be comfortable with his friend being rude to me and he'd stand up for me but that's an ideal I guess.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Hi all, Just an update: thanks for your comments, they're all helpful. Clarification: I wanted to clear up that I didn't expect my boyfriend to agree with me on the political issue (actually 99% of the time we disagree & all is well) I simply expect that I have the right to stand up for myself (when I did so my boyfriend told me I was indignant / emotional / etc etc) - he actually told the guy it was a "sensitive issue" for me - which felt more like an apology for me standing up for myself than anything else. I don't feel heard, backed up or ultimately respected by my boyfriend. I mean ideally he wouldn't be comfortable with his friend being rude to me and he'd stand up for me but that's an ideal I guess. It is not common for two people to have 99% of their political views in opposition to one another and continue to have a lasting relationship. Our political views go to the core of our fundamental beliefs regarding many incredibly important things in life. If you disagree 99% of the time, you do not have common core values. He watched you being belittled b/c he approved of the disrespect his friends demonstrated at your expense. He enjoyed watching his friends cut your values, views down as he disagreed with you. When you pick a partner, one of the most important things people ought to do is discover how they are compatible politicially and philosophically. You two are too different. Consider this... 1
JewelD Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Hi all, Just an update: thanks for your comments, they're all helpful. Clarification: I wanted to clear up that I didn't expect my boyfriend to agree with me on the political issue (actually 99% of the time we disagree & all is well) I simply expect that I have the right to stand up for myself (when I did so my boyfriend told me I was indignant / emotional / etc etc) - he actually told the guy it was a "sensitive issue" for me - which felt more like an apology for me standing up for myself than anything else. I don't feel heard, backed up or ultimately respected by my boyfriend. I mean ideally he wouldn't be comfortable with his friend being rude to me and he'd stand up for me but that's an ideal I guess. Do You have issues with his friend outside of political debates? You said it sounded like an apology when your boyfriend was talking to his friend about it but what would it have looked like if you're in the middle of the political debate and your boyfriend steps in and says "hey let my gf talk!". Then it looks like you don't have a voice and you can't stand your ground and that would have been even worse for you in the debate because it looks like you can't handle it. And you still didn't clarify about the ex girlfriend. What's going on with that? That would give us more insight into whether you are overreacting or he just doesn't give a crap.
Space Ritual Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Sorry that happened to you. I myself am somewhat of a Wonk so I love spirited political debate with anyone. Politics is kind of tricky though because usually people end up resorting to insults at the end, especially if they are losing. Incidentally I don't discuss politics online because Godwin's Law seem to rear it's ugly head...lol. So online I stay away from it. However, The ex thing really would be disturbing. He needs to understand that he is dating you and not his ex. Her opinions are of no import at all. That "keeping the peace" line is a cop out. Your boyfriend is simply spineless and wants to keep his options open in case you 2 don't work out. That's why he keeps her around. I wouldn't put up with that. life is to short. It boils down to whether he has the nuts to demote her from a recurring role as opinion Czar to an ex. if not get rid of him. Life is to short for such drama
gorf Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 (edited) I agree with a lot of posters here. But, btw.. have you ever considered other peoples perspectives to possible be true?: that you are an overly-emotional overly-dramatic woman who isnt good at debating and winning arguments? Maybe his idea of keeping the peace is actually keeping you from getting wriled up cause he knows you will stir a pot of fuss that you cant simmer down, and he would rather you be quiet? Just a thought. In general. But thats about him not defending in general. Could be the case. The thing with the ex is a whole different non-related story in comparison. Why is she insulting you and all this??...... why in the world is she even talking at all. She should be blocked and gone out of his life. I think that should be your bigger focus concerning her. 3 months, he still has feelings. Why do I know this? Cause he values her opinion enough not to block her out. And as a result, allows her comments of judgement on the girl he is dating. I would not be ok with this if I were you Edited October 31, 2016 by gorf
Author RainbowRose Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 Why is he still receiving calls from his ex? I'd be more worried about why she's not blocked. As far as his friend, people tend to get heated in political debates, which I why I generally choose not to participate unless I'm just itching to do so. I don't think your boyfriend should have had to stand up for you on that point. You're a grown woman, you have a mouth, speak up for yourself. I wouldn't give a damn if I had just said the sky was green, I would have read his friend to filth. I think it's possible your bf has a point. Do you tend to get emotional? Did you take it out on him? Because he didn't force you to get involved in that debate. He should be there to support you, but this doesn't seem like a major deal. Just don't debate with that guy again unless you're ready to play the dozens when he gets out of line. It's about a year into our relationship. She's continued to say nasty things all through our relationship and he's never stood up to her despite me continuing to ask her to do so. She no longer calls him but she remains at our social gatherings and she always makes time to go up to him the second I leave him on his own to go chat to him one on one; I've gotten pretty used to it. I actually don't think he's the type to cheat but I know he was very much in love with her. I will definitely be avoiding this guy friend of his in future. I have tended to get angry with him in the past when he hasn't stood up for me especially where his ex is concerned so I guess that yes he might have a point. I did stand up for myself but that is what he took exception to. He told me off for standing up for myself as soon as we were in private. He doesn't have to stand up for me but I certainly shouldn't be getting a lecture on having an "emotional reaction" to his friend being a jerk.
JewelD Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 In that case, it's not a matter of him standing up for you, it's about respect. And he has very little for you if he would entertain his ex at all. He has clearly never told her to stop talking to him and that's shady af. I would never put up with that. And there really is no cheating type. But I certainly wouldn't put it past a guy who communicates with an ex that doesn't like his current partner.
elaine567 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 It is not common for two people to have 99% of their political views in opposition to one another and continue to have a lasting relationship. Our political views go to the core of our fundamental beliefs regarding many incredibly important things in life. If you disagree 99% of the time, you do not have common core values. He watched you being belittled b/c he approved of the disrespect his friends demonstrated at your expense. He enjoyed watching his friends cut your values, views down as he disagreed with you. Agreed. Two people with opposing political views can work if they are the type of people to sway with the wind voting wise, or the type orf people who vote one way because their family/social circle votes that way for generations, ie they don't really don't know much about politics. BUT if you know a lot about politics and you vote according to your core values and beliefs about the world, then a potential life partner who has the opposing view on life, is going to be a big problem. As for the ex :- Even the most mild mannered can put their foot down when someone disrespects a person they care a lot about. He doesn't want to rock her boat, but he is happy to rock your boat it seems... A man who doesn't like his gf standing up for herself, who "lectures" her, and who tacitly agrees with others when they disrespect her, sounds like a man to walk away from. 1
sandylee1 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I don't think the two of you are suited to be honest. As far as the Ex, if my BF didn't tell her to stop openly, then he'd be my Ex. Why have you accepted that? I don't like Ex lovers hanging around the way she does and him engaging in conversation with her as soon as your back is turned. By talking to her ... He's actually letting her know it's okay to insult you. That he's cool with it ... because if he wasn't okay with it ....why would he entertain her for a second. He'd rather keep the peace with his Ex than have you be upset and not stand up for you. Allowing her to do that isn't good enough. How would he feel if your Ex had been insulting him and a soon as he leaves your side ... that EX BF goes to talk to you. With the political debate he wants to hush you up to avoid an argument with his friend. He doesn't like that strong assertive personality that you have and how darea woman actually articulate herself so well that his friend becomes uncomfortable. He doesn't want the grief or the aggro of his mates saying stuff like "Feel sorry for you mate. You've got a real mouthy one there. Or "I can see who wears the pants with you two" Maybe you got a little too passionate about the topic and he felt embarrased. Do you see a future with a man like him? If so, be prepared for him not to stand up for you and don't complain 5 years from now when he's shown you what he's like. He won't change. Thats who he is and you accept him as he is ...... A guy who lets his Ex insult his GF, or you move on to a guy who actually respects you. If he can't stand up for you now, imagine if you got married and end up with the old MIL problems. He won't do anything and will probablyside his mother.
kendahke Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 He shouldn't need to stick up for you with his ex because she shouldn't have the opportunity to say those things to him about you. He should have cut it off with her already. The fact that he's still in contact with her is more concerning than him not telling her to keep her opinions to herself. ^^^^^this. right. here. Well said. It's fine to be friendly with one's ex. "Hi", "bye", blah blah blah... However, when that ex has a repeating audience with your boyfriend where they can spew venom about you, there is a huge problem afoot in your relationship. 2
basil67 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Hi all, Just an update: thanks for your comments, they're all helpful. Clarification: I wanted to clear up that I didn't expect my boyfriend to agree with me on the political issue (actually 99% of the time we disagree & all is well) I simply expect that I have the right to stand up for myself (when I did so my boyfriend told me I was indignant / emotional / etc etc) - he actually told the guy it was a "sensitive issue" for me - which felt more like an apology for me standing up for myself than anything else. I don't feel heard, backed up or ultimately respected by my boyfriend. I mean ideally he wouldn't be comfortable with his friend being rude to me and he'd stand up for me but that's an ideal I guess. Sounds to me like he was trying to de-escalate the situation. When you say that you don't feel heard, backed up or respected by your boyfriend, how often do you feel this way?
SwordofFlame Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 OP, it sounds like your boyfriend is a conflict-avoidant pushover. Is that really the kind of man you want?
Author RainbowRose Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 His friend may well be rude, but if you can't hold up your end of the argument in a debate, don't get into it. Your boyfriend is not required to defend you in a debate. The ex is a different story though because you weren't a willing participant in the issue. (Assuming he was single when he met you). He should have blocked all contact with her when she was speaking like that about you. Hey thank you for your comment. I can hold my own in a debate, I have extensive political knowledge and have had long and interesting debates with many people in my life. In this instance though, it was clear that the guy I was debating with was going to get rude when I challenged him and wasn't intending to give me any opportunity to say my piece. That's what my problem was with him - he was really rude.
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