Dealing with ex moving on...?

[Beepeear]

Hey,

 

I understand that the use of no contact is to move on and not be so upset about the breakup, but I have also heard that it can be used to get them back...

 

I have a long story but for the sake of simplicity I will break it down into small points.

 

- me and my ex get together, we instantly feel something we both never have

- we both fall in love and this is the first time we have ever felt this about anyone

- the first few months are great, we couldn't be happier

- she goes onto her last year of school and makes new friends, incl. her ex

- I voice my concern about her and her ex being friends and we agree that at the end of her school term she won't talk to him anymore

- this caused a few arguments down the line, and caused me to leave but come back a few times

- her new friends don't like me much for some reason and start talking about me/messaging me

- I retaliate and insult them to my ex and do so a few times, I guess she got tired

- I found pictures of my girlfriend and her ex on her phone

 

Then she told me she had to speak to me a couple days after and told me that she doesn't want to be with me, that I should move on...

 

I got upset and grovelled for an hour or two, then I got angry and started saying things like ''I hope he makes you happy like I did, don't miss me too much'' just things emphasizing my jealousy and hurt, silly I know.

 

I sent her a big paragraph after we had a fight and told her how I really feel and how much she means to me, then simply just told her to think about the good times instead of all the bad, she said ''leave me to think''

 

This was Sunday, I haven't messaged her since, or had any contact, she still hasn't messaged me and today would have been our 14 month anniversary.

 

I don't want to move on exactly, I would like to be with her again but I would just like to know that she isn't coming back, I'm caught up in confusion

 

any advice appreciated.

[sooshi]

She has told you that she doesn't want to be with you and that you should move on.

 

There's no confusion there.

 

It's hard, but it'll get easier when you decide to accept the reality of things.

 

In the meantime, focus on healing, and keep in mind that insults and retaliation only do harm.

 

Take care.

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

I'll answer your questions with a clipping from my journals:

 

 

There is nothing you can do to make her come back, if she doesn't of her own free will, want to.

 

 

Not long letters of apology.

Not tears.

Not begging and pleading.

Not buying roses.

Not 'fighting for the relationship.'

Not raging and blaming.

Not writing poems.

Not using NC as a strategy.

Etc...

 

Leave her totally alone.

 

 

It is *possible* that she'll miss you, and want you back.

 

It is also possible that she won't.

 

Do nothing.

 

No contact.

 

 

Take care.

[Toodaloo]

One word. Yes

 

But you have to do it properly. No facebook, no texts, no stalking her or following her, no asking your friends about her. No Contact at all.

 

I think you are a prime candidate where it would work.

[aloneinaz]

NC is meant to help folks heal from the end of a R/S. It allows them to get there emotions back under control. After a few weeks or a couple of months, you calm down and then can CLEARLY see through the fog and analyze the failed R/S. Many people reach that point and don't want to date their ex again. The clarity has allowed them to see the R/S wasn't good anyway.

 

It's not used as a tool to play head games and get the ex back. The majority of dumpers have NO interest in ever dating their now ex again. I gently ended most of my LTR's. By the time I reached that decision, I was done. A week later I could of seen them making out with a new guy and it would of not bothered me in the least. I'd of thought "oh good, she's ok and is moving on"..

[Beepeear]

so, you're suggesting that she won't miss me and I should just give up hope of her coming back?

[Blanco]

You both sound young, so it was not likely to last, anyway.

[DarrenB]

 

I understand that the use of no contact is to move on and not be so upset about the breakup, but I have also heard that it can be used to get them back...

 

 

There's no real statistic, but I'm sure 'No Contact' is implemented 9 times out of 10 to not go back.

 

You sound like I, relatively young, in maybe one of your more intense and intimate R/S? I think if it were too work (in future that is) it is highly unlikely or likely, depending on the genuine situation/s.

 

A very enigmatic but positive thing I've heard alot of people say is:

 

'Your first love is very rarely your last'

 

To yourself it probably seems like a relatively huge dilemma, and as you stated you are confused, but don't make the same mistake I and many other people have made and try and reel on her.

 

The best way to look at it, especially if she's the one who ended it with you, is that if she wants to come back, she will. If she doesn't, then she won't. You can't make them come back, for good.

[aloneinaz]

so, you're suggesting that she won't miss me and I should just give up hope of her coming back?

 

Yes, I think you should accept her decision and gracefully move on w/your life. The vast majority of times when people end relationships, it's NOT a knee jerk reaction. They've been emotionally checking out of the R/S for weeks or months before passing the new on to end it. Are there things a dumper misses about the dumpee? Maybe but they've viewed the overall R/S and came to the conclusion that they didn't want to continue.

 

Getting dumped doesn't mean your a bad person or you did anything wrong. People try on others to see who's a good match or fit. After a period of time if they don't think its a good fit, they end it and search for a better fit. It's happened to most everyone. The key to is NOT take it so darn personally.

 

Rejection is a part of life. Ever done sales? :confused:Yea, you learn to not take the rejection personal and roll with it.

[carhill]

No contact worked so well for us that I took my exW out to lunch the day our divorce was final and we both felt positive about the whole deal. I think we had maybe two or three physical contacts prior to that time over 18 months or so and two were at the courthouse. I remember literally sitting on the floor waiting on the clerk and we were chatting about bla, bla instead of the volumes of paper being filed. Thank god, I hate paper.

 

Relationships are transitory. When you die, if you're in a relationship, that'll be your last one. Most people have many throughout life. The healthiest ones, IMO, are like my exW was, enjoy it and accept the end and move on. Don't dwell on the done and over.

 

Good luck!

[Beepeear]

Hey,

 

So last week my girlfriend broke up with me, I'll explain it briefly as she didn't like the way I spoke about her friends, I posted another thread explaining the break up if you'd like to know more...anyway

 

After she broke up I tried to convince her to get with me again, not constantly, just on and off for a day or two, then I just cut contact, no texts, likes, follows, nothing.

 

I just tried to work on myself, although I would like her back, she has to let me know she wants that too, so yesterday, she tried to add me on snapchat, this was the first "contact" she has made, I chose to block her when I saw it, I'm not sure if this was the best option? Do you think this has ruined the chance of her coming back?

[smudge21]

I don't use snapchat but adding someone just seems very basic... so I would call that a breadcrumb. She wanted to see if you're still around, whether you're interested, whether you'd respond. You did the right thing. Think of it the other way round. If you wanted to contact her, how would you do it? You'd just call her right? So if she wanted to contact you, really wanted to contact you, surely she'd do the same and just pick up the phone. The fact is, unless a dumper is crawling over hot coals and beating down your door whilst being attacked by wolves, then they're not really making the effort needed to fix what they broke. They left. Your job is to focus on healing and should they ever truly come back, be in a better place to be able to seriously think if you want this person back (whereas now currently you still love them). For me, life's too short to waste it on people who walk out of it. Everyone gets one chance. If they go, they go for good. There's 7 billion other people out.

[snowangel97]

Sorry you're going through this and I wish you all the best! I do feel like if you're serious about continuing this relationship, you need to keep all lines of communication open. If you talk to her about getting back together and then block her on social media, that sends mixed signals. I would also suggest that you both really think about if you want to be together and if so, sit down and have a serious heart to heart about what expectations you have for your relationship. Do you think that would help?

[Beepeear]

Hello,

 

My girlfriend broke up with me last Friday, saying that she doesn't want to be with me for various reasons, mainly because she doesn't like the way I talk about her friends, she said I should move on and she can't see us being together

 

Ofc, for a day or two I on and off begged to get her back, kind of just tried to show her how much I loved her via text. But then on the Sunday I just thought F it.

 

I stopped all contact last Sunday and the following week (yesterday) she tried to add me on snapchat, I blocked her on this, maybe I should have just left it there without responding.

 

However, I let that go and decided to continue with what I'm doing, today though, I noticed I had a missed call this morning from a withheld number, so I'm not sure if this could have been her or not...

 

I would like to maybe get back, I know NC isn't used for that, I am speaking to more girls and moving on slowly, but idk, we were each other's first loves, I'd like to speak to her about us and all that, what would be your advice? Continue NC, do you think she will contact me again? or message her

[Survivor12]

Stop playing games. If you want to get back with her, contact her. If you don't, move on.

[gracey123]

My ex boyfriend is currently messing me around and it seems you're blowing hot and cold with her. Don't use her messaging and calling as an ego boost because it will stop eventually and she will get the message. If you want her back tell her, if not make that clear.

[Beepeear]

Hey,

 

As the title says, I broke no contact after 15 days.

 

I messaged her on Instagram saying hey, and asking how school is going, she replied with "it's okay"

 

I proceeded to ask her how she is, she said that she is great, and then I just said I'm glad to hear it and swiftly ended the conversation saying I had to go the gym.

 

Shall I continue NC from day 1 again or shall I try to message her anymore?

 

Thanks

[PegNosePete]

What is your objective here?

[Beepeear]

What is your objective here?

 

I was hoping that me breaking the ice would then follow up with her being kind of open to me, but it felt really awkward and all

 

I would have liked for her to feel happy that I reached out to her, I would like her back but, I'm not sure what to do now

[PegNosePete]

Well, I'd suggest re-reading the responses to your previous threads.

 

It seems you need to accept that it is over. That is the first step in moving on.

[jellybean824]

It's hard to say whether she's playing games or serious about getting back together. Seems like she would have contacted you directly, rather than through Snapchat or a blocked number. It's normal to have some feelings of regret and even grief over what you have lost. I'd take some time to let yourself process the loss. If, after a while, you are still interested, you might want to try contacting her. Hopefully you can both be clear about the expectations, and accept things if the answer is "No." Best of luck.

[Beepeear]

hello,

 

so quick background my ex dumped me just just under two months ago, when she did it I of course acted like a beta, declared how much I love her and want to make her happy, big mistake I know.

 

I went no contact for just over two weeks after this but after noticing her stalking my pages I caved in and messaged her asking how she is but I quickly exited the convo by telling her I needed to go gym.

 

Then after getting some advice I got told to let her know I accept the break up and only want something romantic with her, and for her to only message me if she wants that too.

 

Fast forward about a month, I went this whole period without contacting her, I had all my pages set to private and only had her unblocked on Instagram. I get a message yesterday from her asking for her student card back, I read and then ignored the message, about an hour later she messages me again saying "hello? It's important" I then again read and ignored.

 

Then about twenty minutes later she messages me saying "alright thanks for being a dickhead. Laters" which I again, read and ignored.

 

I then looked on my DM's about a couple hours later and she had blocked me off Instagram, I am just wondering why she would do that? Is it to try and gain control because she knew she couldn't get me back to crawl back as easy as she hoped?

 

Side note: I know the student card wasn't important as she made out to be as she would have asked for it a long time ago, as soon as we broke up in fact, so I'm just assuming she did it to see if I quickly jumped back to her.

 

Any input would be appreciate, thanks guys

[Toodaloo]

Don't think about it just put the card in an envelope and send it back to her.

 

Do not bother putting anything in with it just the card in a plain envelope.

 

Who cares what she thinks, feels, whys etc.

 

Just get on with sorting yourself out.

 

Make sure there is nothing else she "left behind" when you dig out her student card. Send it all back. The lot. Leave nothing.

[marky00]

This business of a dumpee having to return things is total baloney.

 

 

I mean when your dumped, imagine asking the dumper for your belongings? I think a lot of dumpees wouldn't bother and would just keep away.

 

 

Given that, I say don't return anything.

 

 

Most dumpers know several months before that they are losing interest so she had plenty of time to grab it.

 

 

Ignore !!!!

[Beepeear]

Thanks for the replies guys

 

I mean, I don't even have the card anymore because her actions made me feel like it wasn't important and to help myself move on I discarded anything that I had of hers, maybe selfish but I gave her enough chances and she just shrugged it off.

 

So then after I go no contact and start to feel happy she comes back couple months later asking for it back, I mean if it was as important as she said wouldn't she prioritise getting it back as soon as possible?

 

Do you think her blocking me is a way to try to regain her control because she lost it all messaging me and getting ignored?

 

Thank you