How much to tell my boyfriend about relationship anxiety?

[basil67]

I agree with Gaeta, his response is that of someone who doesn't understand anxiety. My husband would say exactly the same thing. Oh, and another of his standard responses would be "don't worry, it probably won't happen"

 

Letting him know that you have anxiety issues is good. Letting him know that you're having a moment is good. But he won't understand if you start to get into the deepness of it all - that's what your therapist is for. And if you have a BFF who also understands, perhaps share a bit of it with her too.

[inmyownworld]

I think you should tell him as much as you want about it. Communication is key in any relationship. I don't have anxiety, but I have a cyclical issue that pops up every couple months. I told my boyfriend why it happens and what I need. We talk about it all the time. He is really understanding and wants to know, wants to talk about so he can understand me better.

 

I don't think it's dumping your anxieties on him. Discussing things leads to a better understanding and relationship. It's a part of you that he should know and if he can't accept it, then he may not be the best partner for you.

[Gaeta]

I think you should tell him as much as you want about it. Communication is key in any relationship. I don't have anxiety, but I have a cyclical issue that pops up every couple months. I told my boyfriend why it happens and what I need. We talk about it all the time. He is really understanding and wants to know, wants to talk about so he can understand me better.

 

I don't think it's dumping your anxieties on him. Discussing things leads to a better understanding and relationship. It's a part of you that he should know and if he can't accept it, then he may not be the best partner for you.

 

It's nice your boyfriend is willing to listen. OP's boyfriend does not want to get into it. She needs to respect his wish and it's much better for her to not impose herself on him, her boyfriend knows he is not equipped to help her with her anxiety and he would probably make it worse for her.

[inmyownworld]

It's nice your boyfriend is willing to listen. OP's boyfriend does not want to get into it. She needs to respect his wish and it's much better for her to not impose herself on him, her boyfriend knows he is not equipped to help her with her anxiety and he would probably make it worse for her.

 

She said "he doesn't pry for details, but the next day tells me I need to be more open.". I don't see this as he doesn't want to get into it. He's not pushing her for details, but sounds like he wants to know. It seems to me she is more afraid to talk about it with him, thinking he will reject her for it.

[Gaeta]

She said "he doesn't pry for details, but the next day tells me I need to be more open.". I don't see this as he doesn't want to get into it. He's not pushing her for details, but sounds like he wants to know. It seems to me she is more afraid to talk about it with him, thinking he will reject her for it.

 

 

Her post #7 I'm really trying hard not to ask for reassurance because when I did ask for it last time, it really backfired

 

Her post #19 I have dipped my toe into this a VERY small amount and he just doesn't seem that open to hearing about my past

 

Again post # 19 He never asks for details or asks follow up questions It's more like he's on the defense

 

 

 

 

Sure he says he wants her to open but he is not setting the table for her to go ahead and open up. It's a generic sentence for him, honey you need to be open, but he is nowhere there to listen to her. That is because he is not equipped to listen and help her. This is bigger than him. And when something is bigger than you, you shouldn't tackle it.

Edited November 17, 2016 by Gaeta

[inmyownworld]

Her post #7 I'm really trying hard not to ask for reassurance because when I did ask for it last time, it really backfired

 

Her post #19 I have dipped my toe into this a VERY small amount and he just doesn't seem that open to hearing about my past

 

Again post # 19 He never asks for details or asks follow up questions It's more like he's on the defense

 

I am not anxious, however I have dated anxious before. They don't always ask for reassurance in positive ways and it can be off putting. Their high need for reassurance somehow becomes a negative abut their partner and it does backfire. This is very different from having a conversation about what goes on in their head and asking for reassurance in a positive way.

 

Again, talking about your past is very different from talking about the present. He may not be open to hearing about what past boyfriends did, but may be open to hearing about her current feelings and difficulties. Saying I think you're gonna cheat because my last boyfriend did is different from I have anxiety and I want you to know how that plays out in my head and why I act in certain ways sometimes.

 

There are so many details we don't know in this case, but him being defensive could be because of my first point. Anxious people have a way of putting the blame on their partner for not meeting their needs. Often times their partner has no idea what the anxious person needs to reduce the anxiety. I think that open positive communication goes a long way. Just my opinion.

[Gaeta]

I am not anxious, however I have dated anxious before. They don't always ask for reassurance in positive ways and it can be off putting. Their high need for reassurance somehow becomes a negative abut their partner and it does backfire. This is very different from having a conversation about what goes on in their head and asking for reassurance in a positive way.

 

Again, talking about your past is very different from talking about the present. He may not be open to hearing about what past boyfriends did, but may be open to hearing about her current feelings and difficulties. Saying I think you're gonna cheat because my last boyfriend did is different from I have anxiety and I want you to know how that plays out in my head and why I act in certain ways sometimes.

 

There are so many details we don't know in this case, but him being defensive could be because of my first point. Anxious people have a way of putting the blame on their partner for not meeting their needs. Often times their partner has no idea what the anxious person needs to reduce the anxiety. I think that open positive communication goes a long way. Just my opinion.

 

 

Good point.

 

OP would your boyfriend be open to accompany you to your therapist for one session so your therapist explains to him what is anxiety and how he can be of support within his capacity?

[Sunkissedpatio]

I'm really trying hard not to ask for reassurance because when I did ask for it last time, it really backfired. I'm getting better at dealing with them, but I'm far from perfect.

 

Can you explain how you asked and what you did exactly that backfired? If it is accompanied by what you said in your OP:

 

 

Anyway, so it's gotten to the point where I let him know I'm feeling anxious just to kinda pre-warn him I suppose. But he has no idea him and our relationship have a lot to do with it. He also seems to think leaving me alone because i'm distant is the thing to do when in reality, I just want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Him giving me distance just feeds into my anxious thoughts of him not liking me.

 

Then it's understandable that he is put off and would rather just leave you alone. Shutting down and being distant with him is confusing to him because it is an act of passive-aggression it pushes him away rather than towards you.

 

What you need to understand is that the anxiety is your own, not due to things he is doing most the time. It is your protective mind warning you to be careful because if you get too close you will get burned so you subconsciously push him away. If could be very subtle, like being somewhat taciturn or moody or it could be overt and shutting him down, getting angry at him over nothing or turning things around on him by blaming him for having ulterior motives when he is doing something innocuous.

 

Start journalling when you get those feelings, getting them out of your mind and on to paper is a good way to channel that energy in a way that does not affect your relationship negatively. Also you need to start recognizing those thoughts for what they are and you need to learn to self-soothe.

 

 

 

How would I bring it up calmly though? I can't think of a way that doesn't bring me anxiety just thinking about it!

 

I have always had anxiety in every relationship I've been in since my 7 year one. I'm on my third therapist and she seems to be helping finally. She's given me ways to look at certain situations and techniques to cope with the anxiety. I am doing a pretty good job thus far but I cannot eliminate it completely.

 

 

You can certainly be honest with him too and instead of shutting down tell him calmly what you are feeling and that you just really need a hug and reassurance. If a person loves you there is no reason why they would refuse doing that for your. Just don't make it a regular thing because that could hurt the attraction. But it's better to be upfront than to be brooding and shutting him out.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Again, talking about your past is very different from talking about the present. He may not be open to hearing about what past boyfriends did, but may be open to hearing about her current feelings and difficulties. Saying I think you're gonna cheat because my last boyfriend did is different from I have anxiety and I want you to know how that plays out in my head and why I act in certain ways sometimes.

 

There are so many details we don't know in this case, but him being defensive could be because of my first point. Anxious people have a way of putting the blame on their partner for not meeting their needs. Often times their partner has no idea what the anxious person needs to reduce the anxiety. I think that open positive communication goes a long way. Just my opinion.

 

Speaking from experience this is bang on!

[abby_tx]

Her post #7 I'm really trying hard not to ask for reassurance because when I did ask for it last time, it really backfired

 

Her post #19 I have dipped my toe into this a VERY small amount and he just doesn't seem that open to hearing about my past

 

Again post # 19 He never asks for details or asks follow up questions It's more like he's on the defense

 

 

 

 

Sure he says he wants her to open but he is not setting the table for her to go ahead and open up. It's a generic sentence for him, honey you need to be open, but he is nowhere there to listen to her. That is because he is not equipped to listen and help her. This is bigger than him. And when something is bigger than you, you shouldn't tackle it.

 

This! It's like that whole "actions speak louder than words" thing in a way. He said ONCE that I should be more open, but hasn't demonstrated wanting this at any other point in time. It's really hard for me to be open when I don't see real signs that he wants me to be.

[abby_tx]

I am not anxious, however I have dated anxious before. They don't always ask for reassurance in positive ways and it can be off putting. Their high need for reassurance somehow becomes a negative abut their partner and it does backfire. This is very different from having a conversation about what goes on in their head and asking for reassurance in a positive way.

 

Again, talking about your past is very different from talking about the present. He may not be open to hearing about what past boyfriends did, but may be open to hearing about her current feelings and difficulties. Saying I think you're gonna cheat because my last boyfriend did is different from I have anxiety and I want you to know how that plays out in my head and why I act in certain ways sometimes.

 

There are so many details we don't know in this case, but him being defensive could be because of my first point. Anxious people have a way of putting the blame on their partner for not meeting their needs. Often times their partner has no idea what the anxious person needs to reduce the anxiety. I think that open positive communication goes a long way. Just my opinion.

 

Thanks for pointing this out. I can think of the last time (nearly three months ago) where I did let my anxiety turn into "I don't feel like you like me. My last boyfriend cheated on me. My last boyfriend blah blah blah." That was the first time I'd said much of anything to him and I instantly regretted it. He didn't like being compared to my ex. He was instantly defensive. He also mentioned that his last relationships ended because the girl needed constant reassurance and it was exhausting. Since that, I've been very careful about what I said and how I said it. So yeah, the night of my last anxiety attack, I had no clue what to say because I didn't want a repeat of that night.

[abby_tx]

Good point.

 

OP would your boyfriend be open to accompany you to your therapist for one session so your therapist explains to him what is anxiety and how he can be of support within his capacity?

 

Hmm that's interesting. I hadn't thought of that. My boyfriend doesn't know I go to therapy. I might talk to my therapist and see what she thinks of this idea though. She told me I didn't even have to admit I was going if I didn't want to. I'm kinda embarrassed to tell him in case I seem like damaged goods.

 

If I could REALLY tell him what I needed, it would be for him to hug me, tell me he loves me and he's there for me no matter what. Then just cuddle til it goes away. But we haven't exchanged the I love yous.

[abby_tx]

Can you explain how you asked and what you did exactly that backfired? If it is accompanied by what you said in your OP:

 

 

 

Then it's understandable that he is put off and would rather just leave you alone. Shutting down and being distant with him is confusing to him because it is an act of passive-aggression it pushes him away rather than towards you.

 

What you need to understand is that the anxiety is your own, not due to things he is doing most the time. It is your protective mind warning you to be careful because if you get too close you will get burned so you subconsciously push him away. If could be very subtle, like being somewhat taciturn or moody or it could be overt and shutting him down, getting angry at him over nothing or turning things around on him by blaming him for having ulterior motives when he is doing something innocuous.

 

Start journalling when you get those feelings, getting them out of your mind and on to paper is a good way to channel that energy in a way that does not affect your relationship negatively. Also you need to start recognizing those thoughts for what they are and you need to learn to self-soothe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You can certainly be honest with him too and instead of shutting down tell him calmly what you are feeling and that you just really need a hug and reassurance. If a person loves you there is no reason why they would refuse doing that for your. Just don't make it a regular thing because that could hurt the attraction. But it's better to be upfront than to be brooding and shutting him out.

 

"getting angry at him over nothing or turning things around on him by blaming him for having ulterior motives when he is doing something innocuous.

" Ahhh this hits so close to home. The great thing about therapy is I am really starting to recognize what's in my mind vs. what's real. I try to keep calm and not take things out on him when I know it's just me being anxious. I also try to stay away from him when I am in one of those moods but for the rare times we are together, I gotta figure out what to do. I totally did pull away and act distant. He noticed because he called it 'tension in the air' which is sad because it's not even about him. it's me being afraid of getting hurt.

[Gaeta]

How would I bring it up calmly though? I can't think of a way that doesn't bring me anxiety just thinking about it!

 

I have always had anxiety in every relationship I've been in since my 7 year one. I'm on my third therapist and she seems to be helping finally. She's given me ways to look at certain situations and techniques to cope with the anxiety. I am doing a pretty good job thus far but I cannot eliminate it completely.

 

I think after 6 months it's time your boyfriend to know who he is dating. He needs to know your battle against anxiety and the measures you are taking to control it especially if you are both looking at making this long term. If a new boyfriend let a whole year pass by without telling he suffers from debilitating anxiety I wouldn't think it's funny and I would wonder what else he hides from me.

 

Are you medicated? does he know?

[inmyownworld]

Thanks for pointing this out. I can think of the last time (nearly three months ago) where I did let my anxiety turn into "I don't feel like you like me. My last boyfriend cheated on me. My last boyfriend blah blah blah." That was the first time I'd said much of anything to him and I instantly regretted it. He didn't like being compared to my ex. He was instantly defensive. He also mentioned that his last relationships ended because the girl needed constant reassurance and it was exhausting. Since that, I've been very careful about what I said and how I said it. So yeah, the night of my last anxiety attack, I had no clue what to say because I didn't want a repeat of that night.

 

If you haven't already, google attachment theory. It's common for "anxious" to date "avoidant." It's a difficult combination as they are attracted, but trigger each other. Both will have to temper their ways to make the relationship work.