How much to tell my boyfriend about relationship anxiety?

[abby_tx]

Once every couple months, I get really bad anxiety for about 2-4 days. My thoughts usually go from happy and confident to "Why is he with me? He doesn't like me as much as he used to. He's way too attractive for me. I'm too old for him. I'm boring to hang out with. He's going to leave me. Why isn't he cuddling with me? Why doesn't he tell me I am pretty?"

 

For the first few months of our relationship, I hid that I even had anxiety. 5 months in it led to one of our first and only arguments because he chose hanging out with his friend over me and I was pissed.

 

Anyway, so it's gotten to the point where I let him know I'm feeling anxious just to kinda pre-warn him I suppose. But he has no idea him and our relationship have a lot to do with it. He also seems to think leaving me alone because i'm distant is the thing to do when in reality, I just want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Him giving me distance just feeds into my anxious thoughts of him not liking me.

 

I guess I wonder how much I should tell him? Is this something I need to deal with on my own or can I tell him what it's about and that I need him to give me more attention than normal?

 

Also, it is during these anxious spells that I get mad he still hasn't said he loves me. Normally I don't care, but suddenly it's a HUGE deal and I want him to say it.

[abby_tx]

And can I admit that liking him and falling in love is scary after what happened to me in my past?

[BaileyB]

Liking and falling in love is very scary for everyone. It is a risk you have to take, if you want to find love and have a relationship with a man.

 

It's ok to tell your boyfriend you are feeling anxious and he may chose to offer some comfort. You shouldn't feel like you should hide it, but you also shouldn't make him responsible for your mental health. If I may, it's your responsibility to control your anxiety. Freaking out every few months and asking him for reassurance isn't really a pattern that you should want to continue.

 

As someone who had my own feelings of anxiety, it's really your job to try and get to a place where you feel confident and secure enough with yourself and your relationship that these kind of thoughts don't surface. And if/when they do... you know how to deal with them such that they don't derail you.

 

Good luck!

Edited October 30, 2016 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

I suggest some therapy or counseling sessions to figure out how to extinguish this anxiety before is does turn into a repeat cycle you can't get out of. If your anxiety starts to affect your life negatively, then seeking some professional help might be your answer.

[Gaeta]

If I had been dating a man for 6 months and he still had not said he loved me I would probably have spout of anxiety as well.

 

There are 2 types of anxiety.

 

* One that has its source within you

* One that is caused by an outside source

 

Your current anxiety is caused by an outside source, your boyfriend not expressing his feelings after 6 months.

 

If you have a spout of anxiety every couple of months and you have been dating 6 months sounds like you get anxious each time you enter a new phase of dating.

 

Personally when I experience anxiety I face it. I felt anxiety after 5 dates and no exclusivity talk so I faced it and solved the matter with him. As our relationship develop and something was the matter to me I did not let anxiety get the best of me, I just faced it.

 

So, what can you do about about this 6 months dating and no expression of feelings?

 

* You can make peace with it and give it another couple of months

* You can address it right away and get it out of the way

A) he loves you

B) he doesn't and you move on.

 

What ever happens you'll be alright. The sun will get up tomorrow morning, this man does not make you or break you.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've learned it's best to be honest about your emotional makeup as early as possible. If he's not comfortable with your emotional rhythms, he's not a good match for you.

 

You need to get solid with yourself, and then you'll feel more solid in communicating about your emotional tendencies and desires.

 

I'm generally an emotional, sensitive person, and I let that come through in the earliest conversations when getting to know someone new. Some enjoy delving into emotional landscapes. Others avoid them. And some can be critical and cold. You need to make sure you're compatible on this level.

Edited October 30, 2016 by Ruby Slippers

[abby_tx]

Liking and falling in love is very scary for everyone. It is a risk you have to take, if you want to find love and have a relationship with a man.

 

It's ok to tell your boyfriend you are feeling anxious and he may chose to offer some comfort. You shouldn't feel like you should hide it, but you also shouldn't make him responsible for your mental health. If I may, it's your responsibility to control your anxiety. Freaking out every few months and asking him for reassurance isn't really a pattern that you should want to continue.

 

As someone who had my own feelings of anxiety, it's really your job to try and get to a place where you feel confident and secure enough with yourself and your relationship that these kind of thoughts don't surface. And if/when they do... you know how to deal with them such that they don't derail you.

 

Good luck!

 

I'm really trying hard not to ask for reassurance because when I did ask for it last time, it really backfired. I'm getting better at dealing with them, but I'm far from perfect.

[Alamo657]

Once every couple months, I get really bad anxiety for about 2-4 days. My thoughts usually go from happy and confident to "Why is he with me? He doesn't like me as much as he used to. He's way too attractive for me. I'm too old for him. I'm boring to hang out with. He's going to leave me. Why isn't he cuddling with me? Why doesn't he tell me I am pretty?"

 

For the first few months of our relationship, I hid that I even had anxiety. 5 months in it led to one of our first and only arguments because he chose hanging out with his friend over me and I was pissed.

 

Anyway, so it's gotten to the point where I let him know I'm feeling anxious just to kinda pre-warn him I suppose. But he has no idea him and our relationship have a lot to do with it. He also seems to think leaving me alone because i'm distant is the thing to do when in reality, I just want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Him giving me distance just feeds into my anxious thoughts of him not liking me.

 

I guess I wonder how much I should tell him? Is this something I need to deal with on my own or can I tell him what it's about and that I need him to give me more attention than normal?

 

Also, it is during these anxious spells that I get mad he still hasn't said he loves me. Normally I don't care, but suddenly it's a HUGE deal and I want him to say it.

 

When you don't get what you need in a relationship, it's time to leave, anxiety or not.

[abby_tx]

If I had been dating a man for 6 months and he still had not said he loved me I would probably have spout of anxiety as well.

 

There are 2 types of anxiety.

 

* One that has its source within you

* One that is caused by an outside source

 

Your current anxiety is caused by an outside source, your boyfriend not expressing his feelings after 6 months.

 

If you have a spout of anxiety every couple of months and you have been dating 6 months sounds like you get anxious each time you enter a new phase of dating.

 

Personally when I experience anxiety I face it. I felt anxiety after 5 dates and no exclusivity talk so I faced it and solved the matter with him. As our relationship develop and something was the matter to me I did not let anxiety get the best of me, I just faced it.

 

So, what can you do about about this 6 months dating and no expression of feelings?

 

* You can make peace with it and give it another couple of months

* You can address it right away and get it out of the way

A) he loves you

B) he doesn't and you move on.

 

What ever happens you'll be alright. The sun will get up tomorrow morning, this man does not make you or break you.

 

 

Oh good call on it being related to new phases in our relationship. I think you're right! Based on what I say about my boyfriend, all of my friends say he loves me. It's just his definition of love seems to be much more serious than most. Like there's a chance he might not be ready to say it until he knows for sure he'd marry me. I am too scared to ask or tell him myself that I love him, so I just try to push it out of my brain.

 

And for those of you who mentioned therapy, I already am in therapy.

[Versacehottie]

[quote=abby_tx;7108612

And for those of you who mentioned therapy, I already am in therapy.

 

oh good! It DOES seem like there is a pattern to these feelings you have and they keep cropping up at almost regular intervals. As I've said before, it's unfair to visit these things on your boyfriend. I think the question you've posed here on this thread is exactly what you should explore with your therapist and come up with some solutions for you & what is fair/unfair expectations for you. Some of what you've said is needy and irrational and some may have merit as it relates to the relationship. Usually what it seems to me, is that you feel you are at a threshold of reaching a next stage and then feel inadequate and insecure if you are not reassured. I think you are on a speeded up wanting that and it has more to do with insecurity and neediness than being dissed or strung along in your relationships though, i.e irrational and more likely to torpedo the relationship than do it any good by letting it fester or go uncontrolled and in check. I think your first step is to sort this out with yourself and your therapist and then take the lingering and legit concerns to your boyfriend. You are at the stage (i think) where you don't need to "hide" what is going on with you from him but a lot of it is an internal issue so it's not smart or effective to visit it on him or verbally vomit it on him--that's just your insecurities shouting for reassurance from him and it will likely set up a cycle for you. Such as if you get reassurance from doing that, even when you are being irrational, you will keep doing it to the detriment of the relationship. If you don't get reassurance (i.e. previous backfire), your insecurity spirals out of control. Thus the REAL answer is to sort out yourself internally first and take legit concerns to him. Only legit concerns.

 

Much of anxiety is fueled by worrying that you won't get what you want. I'm guessing you are worried you won't end up in a long term or marriage relationship with him, thus the concern for an I love you. It creates a desperation, often unfounded. A better solution is finding yourself ways to be comfortable that you will be fine even if this relationship doesn't work out; that you will survive no matter what and you cannot control another person. And figure out real standards for yourself based in reality of what is ok and not ok. And is an i love you at 5 months an accurate measure of what the future holds for you two...or not? (i think not). By your own accounts of the facts and what your friends say the relationship is progressing well. I'm not saying he's an angel or i guess it's possible he is stringing you along or moving slow but that's not what your posts about this bf say in black and white, whereas this issue with your anxiety has been a reoccurring theme that has affected other relationships as well for you. You've been doing good, don't let your anxiety rule you. Talk and GET ANSWERS from your therapist and yourself first. good luck

[smackie9]

Find a new therapist. Tip: not all therapists are the same, and not all therapy is the same....if it's not working, it's time to take another look at your options. This therapist or the therapy they are providing may work for some, but not for everyone. It's ok to check out other therapists.

[joseb]

Are you like this normally, or has this just started with your current boyfriend?

If the latter, I'd agree it's probably triggered by the changing phases of the relationship (I still wouldn't "blame" him though, we create our own anxiety in our heads)

 

If you feel you need some more security/commitment/etc in the relationship, my advise is don't address this with him when you are really anxious, as it will probably come across as you being needy and irrational. Instead, talk about it when you have calmed down and are able to talk about it rationally.

 

And regarding therapy, it might be worth trying another one.

Are you addressing anxiety mainly, or other issues?

[abby_tx]

Are you like this normally, or has this just started with your current boyfriend?

If the latter, I'd agree it's probably triggered by the changing phases of the relationship (I still wouldn't "blame" him though, we create our own anxiety in our heads)

 

If you feel you need some more security/commitment/etc in the relationship, my advise is don't address this with him when you are really anxious, as it will probably come across as you being needy and irrational. Instead, talk about it when you have calmed down and are able to talk about it rationally.

 

And regarding therapy, it might be worth trying another one.

Are you addressing anxiety mainly, or other issues?

 

How would I bring it up calmly though? I can't think of a way that doesn't bring me anxiety just thinking about it!

 

I have always had anxiety in every relationship I've been in since my 7 year one. I'm on my third therapist and she seems to be helping finally. She's given me ways to look at certain situations and techniques to cope with the anxiety. I am doing a pretty good job thus far but I cannot eliminate it completely.

[BaileyB]

Keep working at it Abby. The idea to talk about it at a time when you are calm and in a good place is a really good suggestion. Best wishes!

[thecrucible]

I've learned it's best to be honest about your emotional makeup as early as possible. If he's not comfortable with your emotional rhythms, he's not a good match for you.

 

You need to get solid with yourself, and then you'll feel more solid in communicating about your emotional tendencies and desires.

 

I'm generally an emotional, sensitive person, and I let that come through in the earliest conversations when getting to know someone new. Some enjoy delving into emotional landscapes. Others avoid them. And some can be critical and cold. You need to make sure you're compatible on this level.

 

As a fellow emotive person, I 100% agree with this.

 

OP, I get anxious and afraid about this as well. I think in the long term it's better to have it out in the open because if the man is understanding and can relate to you, it's a bonding experience. If not, you haven't your match. You wouldn't have to throw it all at him either. You could just say that you can be emotional from time to time. Even his reaction to a matter of fact statement like that would tell you a lot.

[abby_tx]

So, I wanted to post an update. Last week I had a bit of an anxiety attack as I was thinking of something my ex said I did wrong. Long story. Basically he blamed his cheating because I had wanted to watch an entire television series. It took the entire summer, but we only watched made two episodes twice a week, so obviously he was just placing blame wherever he could.

 

So thinking of this, I sorta freak out because my current bf is quiet and really into this show and I worry if we watch a second episode, it's the start of him falling out of love (though my logical side knows this isn't true). He suggests a second episode and I'm sorta paralyzed by anxiety and can't say anything. We watch the second. By the third, I quit and get on my phone to calm my brain. Then I do dishes. He asks me if I feel okay. I say yes. He asks what's on my mind. I say "nothing" then a minute later I say, "everything. i can't shut my brain off." he doesn't pry for details, but the next day tells me I need to be more open.

 

My question is -- does he REALLY want me to share this with him? "Oh I'm freaking out because of something my ex said I did wrong and I don't want to do it wrong with you?" Most anxiety is the worry that he'll leave me like my ex did. I do notice when I can't talk to him, I feel so distant. It's awful not expressing myself and I can tell he feels the tension in the air when I'm quiet as well.

[BaileyB]

There's talking to him, and then there is dumping all your anxieties on him...

 

For me, I think it's fair to talk with him and share a little. See how that goes - if he responds well, you can feel safe sharing some of your thoughts and emotions with him. If he has a difficult time listening or empathizing, then it will be more difficult.

 

Can you just say, "I know this may sound stupid, but my ex boyfriend was a bit of an a$$ and he once told me that he cheated on me because I wanted to watch a show and it took too long. I'm a little sensitive to this and I just worry, that if we do something similar you may feel the same way."

 

You don't have to give him all the details of what happened, or your every fear and insecurity... Dip your toe into the water and see how he responds.

 

It's not really fair to dump everything on a partner, but this is what the best relationships should be about... Sharing, supporting, and comforting each other.

[rester]

I think you should have just told him. If he's going to make an issue out of that he's not a very good person.

[abby_tx]

There's talking to him, and then there is dumping all your anxieties on him...

 

For me, I think it's fair to talk with him and share a little. See how that goes - if he responds well, you can feel safe sharing some of your thoughts and emotions with him. If he has a difficult time listening or empathizing, then it will be more difficult.

 

Can you just say, "I know this may sound stupid, but my ex boyfriend was a bit of an a$$ and he once told me that he cheated on me because I wanted to watch a show and it took too long. I'm a little sensitive to this and I just worry, that if we do something similar you may feel the same way."

 

You don't have to give him all the details of what happened, or your every fear and insecurity... Dip your toe into the water and see how he responds.

 

It's not really fair to dump everything on a partner, but this is what the best relationships should be about... Sharing, supporting, and comforting each other.

 

Thanks for the reply. I have dipped my toe into this a VERY small amount and he just doesn't seem that open to hearing about my past. All he says is "I'm not them. You know me" He never asks for details or asks follow up questions. It's more like he's on the defense. I kinda gather he'd rather not even think of me having a past. I've dated a guy for 7 years who I thought I'd marry and have kids with. Not sure he wants to know that I had that much of a history with someone.

[abby_tx]

I think you should have just told him. If he's going to make an issue out of that he's not a very good person.

 

I didn't tell him because I thought I was being ridiculous. I forgot to mention this part, but he told me "You have a lot of positive things in your life. Let go of the negativity. I know it's hard, but there's no reason to hold on."

 

Uhm. Okay, yes that's all great but sometimes it pops up. That comment is another reason why it's hard to talk.

[BaileyB]

Thanks for the reply. I have dipped my toe into this a VERY small amount and he just doesn't seem that open to hearing about my past. All he says is "I'm not them. You know me" He never asks for details or asks follow up questions. It's more like he's on the defense. I kinda gather he'd rather not even think of me having a past. I've dated a guy for 7 years who I thought I'd marry and have kids with. Not sure he wants to know that I had that much of a history with someone.

 

One thing I'm sure you know about men, they communicate differently and look at things very differently. my boyfriend is many wonderful things, but if I share something emotional with him, he looks at me with the strangest expression... And there is crickets. It's just not his strength, he is a very logical and analytical thinker and he just doesn't think about things the way that I do. It's just something I accept (also why I go for drinks with my girlfriends;)).

 

Maybe, rather than sharing the details of your past... The "why"... You can just tell him what you need. If you could find a way to say, "if I'm anxious about something, I just need a hug from you." Whatever works for you.

 

And, I know you know this but it still probably needs to be said... You've had some bad experiences with relationships and you've been badly hurt. Unfortunately, there are never any guarantees. He could love you dearly for 20 years until the day that he decides he doesn't anymore... It's just the risk you take when you love someone. Obviously, you can chose a partner wisely and don't invest with someone who isn't committed, etc.... But at the end of the day, there is never a guarantee that you will not be left/hurt again. The only other option is to sit on the sidelines, and I will tell you this too for anyone who has been long term single, that option hurts just as much sometimes...

 

Good luck to you Abby. Take care.

[MarkIVSteel]

It sounds more like a you problem.

[joseb]

I didn't tell him because I thought I was being ridiculous. I forgot to mention this part, but he told me "You have a lot of positive things in your life. Let go of the negativity. I know it's hard, but there's no reason to hold on."

 

Uhm. Okay, yes that's all great but sometimes it pops up. That comment is another reason why it's hard to talk.

 

I think you were right to not dump all that on him.

Honestly, if out of the blue a gf said all that to me, I'd be pretty shocked, and wonder where on earth it was coming from.

 

You need to stop comparing stuff he is doing to your ex.

Your example makes little sense, it's like if I freaked out cause my girlfriend started wearing a blue t shirt cause my ex had one on when she cheated on me.

[darkmoon]

Thanks for the reply. I have dipped my toe into this a VERY small amount and he just doesn't seem that open to hearing about my past. All he saysis "I'm not them. You know me" He never asks for details or asks follow up questions. It's more like he's on the defense. I kinda gather he'd rather not even think of me having a past. I've dated a guy for 7 years who I thought I'd marry and have kids with. Not sure he wants to know that I had that much of a history with someone.

 

snap out of it, you are asking for a lot, nobody wants a long 7 year story, and then to get accused of being " on the defense"

 

you are spoiling ths relationship

Edited November 16, 2016 by darkmoon

[Gaeta]

I didn't tell him because I thought I was being ridiculous. I forgot to mention this part, but he told me "You have a lot of positive things in your life. Let go of the negativity. I know it's hard, but there's no reason to hold on."

 

Uhm. Okay, yes that's all great but sometimes it pops up. That comment is another reason why it's hard to talk.

 

He gave you the answer of someone that does not understand anxiety.

 

He showed you already he doesn't want to know the details of what is going on in your head so don't insist and just tell him : I am having one of my anxiety moment I will be ok later.

 

Your therapist should give you tricks to snap out of your anxiety attack. That's the thing with therapist, they sit there and walk with you through what is going on in your head but they are not so good at giving you ways to fight these waves of anxiety, support groups are really good at those and you get to share with others what tricks works better than others. Of course continue seeing your therapist but I think a support group would do wonders for you.