For BWs after DDay

[Midwestmissy]

Wh confessed after it had ended, and I told him to leave. That since our home, dog, kids, were things he was so willing to risk and give up, I'd get to enjoy them doubly. I considered it a privilege, frankly, and the kids deserved an adult who acted like one. I made him explain to the kids right there why he was leaving, why daddy do no wrong was the one at fault here. Like a cliche, I dumped all his stuff on the front lawn and shut the door. I'd been blamed for so much for so long, and twisted myself in knots to fix the marriage. So I was furious for how I'd been mentally abused. He was in hysterics. He stayed at his mother's that night and was back at 6am, begging to be able to stay in the house with the kids he never considered while he was cheating. He was beyond shock at the pain he had caused. Because he thought he was controlling all of the outcome.

 

When he was in 'complete control' of his affair, he could define it however he wanted in his head. He was the big boss man, she was the adoring employee who worshipped him. Fantasy, no truth in anything. His marriage wasn't at risk, because he didn't love the mow nor did he want to lose the marriage, so he was in control. Once exposed, he was a laughing stock. And they'd been a lot less discreet than he'd thought. She had been thru a lot of people in the industry, had a signature move everyone knew about and he was mortified, ashamed, all of it. He lost the respect of his kids, family, employees etc. It was a hot mess of consequences for him.

 

I was in a lot of pain, but I knew that my instincts had never lied to me. I just chose to believe my husband over my screaming gut. The std testing was another level of absolute humiliation. I was faithful for 25 years. It was horrific.

 

He apologized to all our friends, family, etc., went to therapy and basically made fixing the marriage his priority. He never minimized or made excuses or blamed me after that dday. He didn't blame the mow either, he realized they were both using and manipulating each other equally. He'd lied to her so easily, and suddenly realized she had probably been lying to him as well. Once the light of day was shining on the affair, it looked tawdry and gross, total walk of shame. He realized that he was paying a 50 yr old woman to come to work and service him. Her actual work performance was mediocre at best. And how many of those hotel rooms around him were filled with the same dynamic. He didn't feel sexy or special or powerful at all, he was disgusted with himself.

 

I give him a lot of credit for the work he's done on himself and his total accountability to me and the kids. It's been 2 years and it's a tough road.

[surferchic]

Wh confessed after it had ended, and I told him to leave. That since our home, dog, kids, were things he was so willing to risk and give up, I'd get to enjoy them doubly. I considered it a privilege, frankly, and the kids deserved an adult who acted like one. I made him explain to the kids right there why he was leaving, why daddy do no wrong was the one at fault here. Like a cliche, I dumped all his stuff on the front lawn and shut the door. I'd been blamed for so much for so long, and twisted myself in knots to fix the marriage. So I was furious for how I'd been mentally abused. He was in hysterics. He stayed at his mother's that night and was back at 6am, begging to be able to stay in the house with the kids he never considered while he was cheating. He was beyond shock at the pain he had caused. Because he thought he was controlling all of the outcome.

 

When he was in 'complete control' of his affair, he could define it however he wanted in his head. He was the big boss man, she was the adoring employee who worshipped him. Fantasy, no truth in anything. His marriage wasn't at risk, because he didn't love the mow nor did he want to lose the marriage, so he was in control. Once exposed, he was a laughing stock. And they'd been a lot less discreet than he'd thought. She had been thru a lot of people in the industry, had a signature move everyone knew about and he was mortified, ashamed, all of it. He lost the respect of his kids, family, employees etc. It was a hot mess of consequences for him.

 

I was in a lot of pain, but I knew that my instincts had never lied to me. I just chose to believe my husband over my screaming gut. The std testing was another level of absolute humiliation. I was faithful for 25 years. It was horrific.

 

He apologized to all our friends, family, etc., went to therapy and basically made fixing the marriage his priority. He never minimized or made excuses or blamed me after that dday. He didn't blame the mow either, he realized they were both using and manipulating each other equally. He'd lied to her so easily, and suddenly realized she had probably been lying to him as well. Once the light of day was shining on the affair, it looked tawdry and gross, total walk of shame. He realized that he was paying a 50 yr old woman to come to work and service him. Her actual work performance was mediocre at best. And how many of those hotel rooms around him were filled with the same dynamic. He didn't feel sexy or special or powerful at all, he was disgusted with himself.

 

I give him a lot of credit for the work he's done on himself and his total accountability to me and the kids. It's been 2 years and it's a tough road.

I'm happy for you amd.commend you for trusting your gut and making SANITY and emotional well being for your children a priority.

 

So often women ignore their gut, put themselves and their children through the horrific experience of extended unhappiness....all for the sake off maintaining a lifestyle (superficial).

 

This is the type of stuff I was talking about in an earlier post.

 

Midwestmissy, do you think that affairs are inevitable?

 

I was just chatting with a few anonymous guys online about this and they admit that an affair is gonna happen, but it may not always be physical. And of course the husband or the wife could be the cheater...

[Midwestmissy]

Inevitable? Well, I've never cheated and I've had plenty of opportunity. Stay at home mother with a traveling husband. All the time & resources at my fingertips. Easy Peasy. But I value myself, my kids, my marriage too much. I looked beyond the event and saw the mushroom cloud, my wh didn't see past his zipper.

 

I think anyone who twists their brain and panties into believing they have good reason to put his/her needs in front of his/her loved ones' needs can cheat. But it's not inevitable. That's an easy way of saying "it's out of my hands. Out if my control. I don't need to take ownership, it was inevitable. ((Shrug)). Oh well."

 

People have options, choices. Cheating is a character issue, not an inevitable event in a marriage.