Cloudcuckoo Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 I am interested to hear the insights of BWs, after the husband confessed or got caught and they agreed on reconciliation. How did you feel? Were you angry, resentful, hurt, relieved? Were you still in love with him and did you want to take him back because of love? Or did you do it for other factors such as family, money, image etc? Were you tempted to kick him out but changed your mind? Have you ever stopped resenting him? Have you ever trusted him fully again or were you always suspicious, keeping an eye on him? How long, if at all, did it take for you to truly forgive him? Were you able to just put it behind you after a short time and go back to normal? How long did it take to be intimate with him again? Are things the same as they were before the A? The day I found a message on my husband's phone changed the life I thought I had been living forever. The shock of discovering your husband has been involved with another woman is indescribable. I believed my husband was my best friend, we had a very healthy sex life, and that we were working toward the same life goals in our marriage. The man facing me, ashen faced with eyes like a rabbit caught in the headlights was a complete alien to me. Where was my husband? Of course initially he s*** himself and tried to give me all manner of ridiculous excuses/bulls***, but once he realised it had gone WAY beyond any hope of redemption that way, he retreated to a stunned silence. I walked through the fields around our farm for two hours, then went back and told him he couldn't have us both and that he had a decision to make. I wouldn't stop him from going to her if that's what he wanted. I was not prepared to play second fiddle though, I never had and was worth more. He had as long as it took for me to pack up the car with my things to leave and then I was off. He literally crumbled before my eyes. A broken, pathetic mess, he was literally on his knees. Didn't want to leave. Didn't want me to leave. He called his concubine and told her it was all out, the jig was up, and he wasn't going to be calling in to play house with her on the way to the airport anymore. I laid out the conditions for attempting recovery, and reiterated that any deviation would result in the end of the marriage without any further discussion or argument. I was willing to offer him the opportunity to redeem himself only once. Any further shenanigans would merely serve as proof that he had been an alien all along and thus unworthy of my devotion and loyalty. He was a complete tosser throughout his 4 year dalliance, but as I've said here before, had he not been given the opportunity to be shagging someone 360 miles from home and with the job he did to accommodate his philandering the story might have been different. Maybe.... He worked dilligently to prove he was worth keeping. Still does, many moons later. The marriage and life we have now is very different. One must grieve the old marriage BEFORE the affair. That one is long dead and gone. What can be built out of the ashes can be the most rewarding and satisfying relationship ever, but it must be completely mutually nurtured, tended and respected. Sometimes after the first roses fade, a good feed brings a second flush of beautiful blooms..... 5
aileD Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Hysterical bonding is a definite thing. Like a lot. Also, we are moving slow it talking more and rediscovering and building a relationship that is better than what we had before. Trust- no it's too early for me (2mos into r) Resentment- its there but now we talk about it and find a way to fix it Triggers are hard for me and for him. But we are committed and I think that people who both commit to change and improve are able to do it. I think you should do something for you instead of worrying about this. Sometimes we wallow in misery. We search out the things that hurt us. Do something for you. Get involved in something. Focus your energy on you. I wish you well. 2
seren Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 I am interested to hear the insights of BWs, after the husband confessed or got caught and they agreed on reconciliation. How did you feel? Were you angry, resentful, hurt, relieved? Were you still in love with him and did you want to take him back because of love? Or did you do it for other factors such as family, money, image etc? Were you tempted to kick him out but changed your mind? I felt sad, sad for me, sad for him and sad for us. I never once thought to leave, I never stopped loving him. I stayed and he stayed because we loved each other. He had just returned from Iraq when the A started and had PTSD and Combat stress. I helped to explain the different man he was during the 8 months of the A, not as an excuse, but one of the reasons. I earned more than him, so money was never a factor, I had friends, a fantastic job and didn't 'need' him, but I still wanted him and he me. Have you ever stopped resenting him? Have you ever trusted him fully again or were you always suspicious, keeping an eye on him? I never once resented him nor did I hate him. I hated the affair, but not the man. I trusted from day one, without it I couldn't have reconciled. No I never checked up on him. He was so relieved to tell me and once it was out in the open we worked to help rebuild us. How long, if at all, did it take for you to truly forgive him? Were you able to just put it behind you after a short time and go back to normal? How long did it take to be intimate with him again? It took about 2 hours for us to become intimate, hysterical bonding or whatever, it felt like the first time all over again. You never, ever put an affair behind you, but you do learn to live with it. We were concerned with the future so while we talked about it and yes at times it got heated, we were focussed on us. It has never been like it was before the affair, it is different and it sees us with a wonderfully strong relationship. I once read that no relationship is stronger than when it is being tested, if that is true then ours is testament to that. Are things the same as they were before the A? No, they couldn't be, nor would I want them to be, we have been together over 30 years, we have been through some truly terrible times, but we still love, laugh, like, dance and hold hands. We are both more appreciative of what we have in each other, he understands that there are no second chances, he says he realised that he couldn't imagine a future without us, neither can I. I will say to you Cyra that all marriages like all affairs are different. Most of us are blindsided by the A, most of us had no idea there was one. When it happens we are shocked, but it doesn't always mean the end of a marriage or the death of love. I hope you find these answers helpful, but they are my answers to our experience, everyone will have a different view. 4
whatatangledweb Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 I have always been in love with my husband. I was shocked as there were no signs of him cheating and he was so against it. I was hurt. I didn't get angry till later. I told him to get out if that was what he wanted. My husband rarely cries but he cried and begged me to give him another chance. We had been together 22 years at that time. We got along great and spent all our free time together. He cheated on his work trips. The only reason I gave him a chance was because I loved him and he so badly wanted to be with me. We had sex everyday that he was home including that day. He has stayed NC with his OW and is comepletely remorseful. I will not forgive him as I do not see it as forgiveable as he had no reason to cheat. He had a mid life crisis and wanted to feel young again. It has been five years and we look back at it as a very short bad chapter in the long book of our lives. We have been together 27 years now. I trust him but not 100% like before. 2
MJJean Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Why do you want to know? Are we BWs your object of curiosity? To conduct a social experiment? To see how much you OW have power over us? How can you make us feel miserable and helpless by taking our husbands and then showing your generosity by giving him back? Do you think you are God? Guess what, our husbands were the one that chooses us and leaves you when they want to reconcile. Not necessarily. A LOT of WH claim they chose to stay not so much because they love their wives and want to reconcile, but because they would like to avoid having to pay alimony, child support, and losing a portion of their assets. 1
Aliceislost Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I kinda doubt that is a healthy way of working through things (as the name hysterical would suggest), more of a reflex reaction to stress. I personally dont think i would want to have sex with the person who has just cheated on me, but what do I know So you never claimed you knew but wasn't this you Cyra telling us what you would do or wouldn't do when cheated upon?
Aliceislost Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Not necessarily. A LOT of WH claim they chose to stay not so much because they love their wives and want to reconcile, but because they would like to avoid having to pay alimony, child support, and losing a portion of their assets. That may be so but still the fact that life with us is costlier to leave for the love of an OM makes my point stand. Are you offended at my statement? LOL
cocorico Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 That may be so but still the fact that life with us is costlier to leave for the love of an OM makes my point stand. Are you offended at my statement? LOL Actually, dumping the BW has saved my H loads. Although their finances were separate, they shared expenses for the house, kids, cars. She used that joint account for compulsive shopping, compulsive holidaying, compulsive spending to plug an insatiatible void in her life. And she drank like a fish. Technically, she was earning more than him when they split (she had just taken a new job and still ran her business) so she should have paid him support, and since the kids lived with us she should have paid for that too, but we declined and let her keep her money. She lost her job soon after that anyway.
gettingstronger Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Not necessarily. A LOT of WH claim they chose to stay not so much because they love their wives and want to reconcile, but because they would like to avoid having to pay alimony, child support, and losing a portion of their assets. Claim is the key word here-but even if its true, its all about him and what is "easier"- not sure if that would make me feel better or worse as an OW or BS- 1
gettingstronger Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 How can you forgive prior to processing? I think maybe we define forgiveness differently- for me, forgiveness means, OK I will allow you in my life and we can work on this-processing comes next and involves the decision, will I allow you to stay in my life- I can forgive people and never see or speak to them again because they are not who/what I want in my life- substitute whatever words make sense to you in there- 1
MJJean Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 (edited) That may be so but still the fact that life with us is costlier to leave for the love of an OM makes my point stand. Are you offended at my statement? LOL Of course you didn't offend me! In my previous marriage I was a WW and had multiple affairs. I stayed with my exH, who I definitely did NOT love or even like, solely because of finances and kids. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore, left him for an AP, got divorced, and married the AP a few weeks after the divorce was final. My point was that, if you peruse these and similar forums, you will see a lot of men and women end their affairs and choose their marriage and family not because they actually want to be married to their spouse, but because they don't want to divide assets, pay spousal and child support, and lose time with their kids. It's a hollow victory. The BS "wins" an adulterous spouse who doesn't really want to stay, but doesn't want to see the kids less or part with their assets, either. Edited October 31, 2016 by MJJean 2
aileD Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Not necessarily. A LOT of WH claim they chose to stay not so much because they love their wives and want to reconcile, but because they would like to avoid having to pay alimony, child support, and losing a portion of their assets. It's still a choice they make. It's nothing they are forced into. 1
Author Cyra Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 (edited) I think I completely understand what it is you are trying to figure out here. I did the same about OW's after my ex and I split up. I wanted to understand where she was coming from and why in the world she would chose to put herself in that situation for as long as she did. I didn't get it. It made no sense to me why some woman would sit around waiting for a man to leave his relationship to be with her. I think I understand it a little better now and it was part of my healing process to see all sides of the story. Thank you, that is exactly what I was trying, to understand the other side of the story, to get a bigger picture. Understanding helps me work through things. Im a scientist and work with logic, and it applies in all areas in my life, when I can explain something, it no longer confuses me or causes me distress. As we all know feelings are not that straight forward, unfortunately I am sorry for your pain, it must have been horrible to have your trust broken again after it was just about restored. In my opinion also, reconciliation can only work if both parties are 100% committed. I know for a fact that xMM is blaming me for his demise also, same as your ex. I sort of assumed that now he and BS have a mutual object of their hatred - me, so perhaps they have bonded over that, rather than looking for underlying reasons within themselves. But you are right I have to stop thinking about it, it is not my problem anymore and as much as I am obsessed with knowing, I must accept that I probably never will know and I have to learn to be ok with it. See... my story is different than yours but yet it's not. I see it all the time on here. It's the same story line over and over with different characters and endings. Whether your exMM and his wife make it through this storm is hard to say. Chances are good though that his actions have destroyed their marriage and they are fighting to stay afloat. The best you can do for yourself is to move on and let him go. If they fall apart, don't be sitting there waiting for him because it's likely it won't work out for you with him either. Best of luck to you in your journey for the whole story. As you go through this and move past it you'll see that trying to see the big picture and learn from it is just part of healing. Just don't get stuck there in trying to find out what's happening in their marriage. You won't be ale to move on if you do and that's exactly what you need to be doing... moving on. Yes, before I came here I thought my story was somehow 'special'. What we had was 'real love', it was different than other affairs, we were meant for eachother... blablabla. All delusional thinking. It really has opened my eyes to see how really the story line is mostly the same. Apart from few lucky exceptions. But I can see now in so many ways that it would not have worked out with him. He did not face things like a real man. He ran away in the middle of the night after dropping a nuke, hid with me like a little boy until his Mama whistled and then he ran home with the tail between his legs like a sad puppy. Seriously WHY do I even care still? Thank you for your kind words I am doing the best I can to move on. Keep consciously reminding myself of above. Trying to combat the obsession. Doing the best I can, one day at a time Edited October 31, 2016 by Cyra 1
Author Cyra Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 So you never claimed you knew but wasn't this you Cyra telling us what you would do or wouldn't do when cheated upon? It was me expressing my opinion of what I imagine my attitude would be in such a situation, not a fact based upon prior knowledge, hence the phrase 'I dont think I would...'
Author Cyra Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 My point was that, if you peruse these and similar forums, you will see a lot of men and women end their affairs and choose their marriage and family not because they actually want to be married to their spouse, but because they don't want to divide assets, pay spousal and child support, and lose time with their kids. It's a hollow victory. The BS "wins" an adulterous spouse who doesn't really want to stay, but doesn't want to see the kids less or part with their assets, either. Agree with this. When my xMM broke up with me, he never once said he realized he loved his wife. He claimed he loved me until the end, but he just could not do that to his kids and his mother (!). I know that material assets and other people's perception of him played a huge part too although he never admitted it.
ChickiePops Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Of course you didn't offend me! In my previous marriage I was a WW and had multiple affairs. I stayed with my exH, who I definitely did NOT love or even like, solely because of finances and kids. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore, left him for an AP, got divorced, and married the AP a few weeks after the divorce was final. My point was that, if you peruse these and similar forums, you will see a lot of men and women end their affairs and choose their marriage and family not because they actually want to be married to their spouse, but because they don't want to divide assets, pay spousal and child support, and lose time with their kids. It's a hollow victory. The BS "wins" an adulterous spouse who doesn't really want to stay, but doesn't want to see the kids less or part with their assets, either. Wait..how do you know that every single adulterous spouse on the planet who stays with their BS 'doesn't want to be there'? Have you spoken individually to each and every one of them?
Author Cyra Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 Wait..how do you know that every single adulterous spouse on the planet who stays with their BS 'doesn't want to be there'? Have you spoken individually to each and every one of them? Mjjean didnt say every one of them, but some and thats a fact, same as some that do genuinely realize they love BS.
aileD Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Agree with this. When my xMM broke up with me, he never once said he realized he loved his wife. He claimed he loved me until the end, but he just could not do that to his kids and his mother (!). I know that material assets and other people's perception of him played a huge part too although he never admitted it. Haven't we already established that MM lie? Of course they aren't going to tell you things that are painful plus....he wants you to wait around just in case. Of course every case is different but I think that agreeing to reconcile and work on your marriage to see if there is a chance IS in itself, an act of love. If there is truly no love there in the marriage---those are the ones that leave. Like cocorios Now H. Divorces happen. Kids, finances, shame, etc all problems with divorce but problems that happen all the time to people who really want out of their marriage. So I think just to say that all MM are essentially trapped into staying for those reasons is a little bit of a defense mechanism. OW seem to forget 99% of men in marriages got married because they loved their wife immensely and wanted to spend forever with them. The idea that they could feel that again isn't outrageous.. Divorce is a thing. It's allowed. Men who want to leave leave. No matter what. And for the men that do say they can't because of money, kids, house, other things.....well they just put you 5th on the list of things they love. Do you want to be with someone woulsnchoose four other things before choosing a lifetime with you? Affairs are all sorts of messed up. Everyone is different---but they're all so much of the same. Sigh
wmacbride Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Mjjean didnt say every one of them, but some and thats a fact, same as some that do genuinely realize they love BS. I really do belive that when many mm or or mw are deciding whether they want the A or M, no one knows exactly what they are thinking,even them. It's a sad situation for all who will have to move foreword from that point on.
Author Cyra Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 I really do belive that when many mm or or mw are deciding whether they want the A or M, no one knows exactly what they are thinking,even them. It's a sad situation for all who will have to move foreword from that point on. Yes i can imagine its hard to think clearly in such situation I was not married, no kids, no financial or family predicaments, and still i couldnt think rationally. It must be much more difficult with those factors in ones mind
Red123 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Not necessarily. A LOT of WH claim they chose to stay not so much because they love their wives and want to reconcile, but because they would like to avoid having to pay alimony, child support, and losing a portion of their assets. I'm sure there are a lot of ws like this but there are lots who are not. We split up, make the same amount of money, I didnt expose him to everyone, there was no child support or custody issues, one of our kids is an adult, I never had plans to fight for the younger one to not see her dad, he cheated on me not them I know that's not the case with everyone but he conducted is A only during work hours, time wasn't taken from the kids. We chose to get back together and commit because we fell back in love and made changes to adress the issues that broke down our relationship. I didn't win by default or otherwise we have worked really hard for this. 1
wmacbride Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Yes i can imagine its hard to think clearly in such situation I was not married, no kids, no financial or family predicaments, and still i couldnt think rationally. It must be much more difficult with those factors in ones mind That's sounds like a very difficult situation to have been in. I hope you were able to start to pick up the pieces and find some peace in your life. When I think back to it, that was what I wanted when I spoke my former ws about the A. I had done all my "homework" and knew where I stood legally,and I knew hat being happy wasn't going to come for quite some time. All i wanted was some peace so i could catch my breath and keep going. Small steps, I guess.
surferchic Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Interesting thread. What I wonder about though, is why do people get married anymore? I have yet to find a marriage that has not involved some form of an A. Should those of us who are not married yet, go into it bracing ourselves for an A? I don't understand ...and perhaps I'm jaded, but the future of marriage doesn't look very positive. I hate to admit it, but I'm almost afraid to ever consider marriage again. I was engaged ,but he was very possessive and became emotionally abusive once he realized I was NOT the type of woman he could control. So I left. I'm almost certain that next, he would've been physically abusive and/or had an affair... He was the type.of man who was use to people/women who had a "price". I'm the type of person who doesnt place much value on material things and supericial character traits. So no, he didn't really know any other way to try to control or manipulate me into being his pet, arm piece, yes woman, etc. The dynamics of relationships(marriage) can be pretty complex and require so much compromise...it's almost crazy... Perhaps some of us just aren't built for it. 1
Author Cyra Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 Interesting thread. What I wonder about though, is why do people get married anymore? I have yet to find a marriage that has not involved some form of an A. Should those of us who are not married yet, go into it bracing ourselves for an A? I don't understand ...and perhaps I'm jaded, but the future of marriage doesn't look very positive. I hate to admit it, but I'm almost afraid to ever consider marriage again. I was engaged ,but he was very possessive and became emotionally abusive once he realized I was NOT the type of woman he could control. So I left. I'm almost certain that next, he would've been physically abusive and/or had an affair... He was the type.of man who was use to people/women who had a "price". I'm the type of person who doesnt place much value on material things and supericial character traits. So no, he didn't really know any other way to try to control or manipulate me into being his pet, arm piece, yes woman, etc. The dynamics of relationships(marriage) can be pretty complex and require so much compromise...it's almost crazy... Perhaps some of us just aren't built for it. I hear you, im 34 never married, i was never bothered about it but i thought that was because i havent met the right person etc. Knowing what i know now im even more reluctant, youre right actually affairs of various degrees are every day story For me personally ive concluded ill be better off alone, much less hassle that way
MJJean Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 It's still a choice they make. It's nothing they are forced into. Absolutely. It's simply a person choosing based on their priorities. Agree with this. When my xMM broke up with me, he never once said he realized he loved his wife. He claimed he loved me until the end, but he just could not do that to his kids and his mother (!). I know that material assets and other people's perception of him played a huge part too although he never admitted it. He seems to prioritize his family members, assets, and reputation above whatever emotion he felt for you. Wait..how do you know that every single adulterous spouse on the planet who stays with their BS 'doesn't want to be there'? Have you spoken individually to each and every one of them? I clearly said "a LOT" and some, not all. Mjjean didnt say every one of them, but some and thats a fact, same as some that do genuinely realize they love BS. Yup. Some WS's actually want to stay married and others will fake it to keep their financial, parental, and/or social status quo. I'm sure there are a lot of ws like this but there are lots who are not. We split up, make the same amount of money, I didnt expose him to everyone, there was no child support or custody issues, one of our kids is an adult, I never had plans to fight for the younger one to not see her dad, he cheated on me not them I know that's not the case with everyone but he conducted is A only during work hours, time wasn't taken from the kids. We chose to get back together and commit because we fell back in love and made changes to adress the issues that broke down our relationship. I didn't win by default or otherwise we have worked really hard for this. I'm happy for you. Your reconciliation is genuine and that is a beautiful thing but not everyone is as fortunate as you. I hear you, im 34 never married, i was never bothered about it but i thought that was because i havent met the right person etc. Knowing what i know now im even more reluctant, youre right actually affairs of various degrees are every day story For me personally ive concluded ill be better off alone, much less hassle that way There is middle ground like long term dating or living together.
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