For BWs after DDay

[Cyra]

I am interested to hear the insights of BWs, after the husband confessed or got caught and they agreed on reconciliation.

 

How did you feel? Were you angry, resentful, hurt, relieved? Were you still in love with him and did you want to take him back because of love? Or did you do it for other factors such as family, money, image etc? Were you tempted to kick him out but changed your mind?

 

Have you ever stopped resenting him? Have you ever trusted him fully again or were you always suspicious, keeping an eye on him?

 

How long, if at all, did it take for you to truly forgive him? Were you able to just put it behind you after a short time and go back to normal? How long did it take to be intimate with him again?

 

Are things the same as they were before the A?

Edited October 30, 2016 by Cyra

[waterwoman]

Angry, resentful, hurt ? Yes. All of those. In spades. Also confused, relieved (because I had known something was wrong but not what), scared, overwhelmed.

 

Was I in love with him ? At that point precisely - no! I wanted to kill him TBH. IME 'in love' comes and goes and at the moment it was gone, completely. But the love was still there just as it always had been. Money? Nope I earned more than he did, always had, and he wasn't exactly 'fiscally prudent' so without doubt the DC and I would be better off financially without him. Image was not an issue. Family, yes in part perhaps - in that I didn't want to break up a long stable marriage and a good family unit - but there was no way I would have stayed if I hadn't still loved him.

 

I trust him fully now and it is 4 years give or take since dday. The trust and confidence has only just returned TBH. Even 6 months ago I was having the odd meltdown and has having to talk me down and reassure me. It's been horrible, truly horrible and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but each time things got bad I would look back on how far we had come and know that I couldn't throw it away.

 

It is better by far than before dday. We have reached a stage where we have far more honesty and openness than we had before - if we had been different people we could have got there without the pain and disruption, but being who we are it probablt wouldn't have happened.

[gettingstronger]

It's a strange mix of rejection, anger and tons of sex followed by holding each other and then arguing followed by more sex- repeat-daily- for a long, long time. We are still together because we love each other, intensely. It's a near death experience and a wake up call that in many ways has brought us closer. Examining our relationship at this level is intense and bonding. And sometimes it just sucks. Forgiveness is easy, processing the betrayal is the crappy part.

[wmacbride]

I will answer, but I will warn you that my situation is not the norm and may not be helpful to you.

 

My former ws left a few days after the A was out in the open and ended. He was gone for a long time, and I couldn't have much contact with him, as he was serving in Afghanistan and I was not able to communicate much with him.

 

When he got home, things were really messed up, as we not only had to cope with the process of "homecoming", but also the aftermath of the A and the crap his ex-ow had put me and our children through while he was gone. Added to that was that he had to go to his COM and explain the situation, and the whole things was a big mess.

 

he ended up getting diagnosed for, and therapy for PTSD, which he really needed and was the top priority, as it was really messing him up. We both knew we wanted to stay together, but we waiting a bit to begin the process of reconciliation until he was in a bit of a better place mentally. It was like we were in a holding pattern while we waited. Once he and his therapists, etc. felt the timing was right,we started counseling together. it wasn't easy ,but it worked for us.

 

I agreed to reconcile because loved him and thought he was a good man who was in a very bad place in his life. The process of reconciling was long and at times very difficult. In many ways, it might have been easier to divorce, but that isn't what I wanted. I had told him that he was either all in to reconciling or he was all out, no middle ground. I was willing to be patient while he worked on himself, but i was not willing to be patient while he tried to figure out if he wanted our M or not.

 

I trust him more than I trust anyone else, but not 100 percent. More like 99 percent, but I would feel that way about anyone. I don't keep an eye on him, as I want him to not cheat because he doesn't want to, not because he's too scared to do so because he could get caught. What sort of marriage would that be?

 

I do forgive him, but he hasn't forgiven himself, which is something I feel really bad about. He really is a good man.

 

I can't give answers to the other questions you've asked, because the situation wasn't a normal one, and there were so many other factors at play that probably wouldn't be in most other situations. It probably wouldn't be helpful to you.

[DKT3]

It's a strange mix of rejection, anger and tons of sex followed by holding each other and then arguing followed by more sex- repeat-daily- for a long, long time. We are still together because we love each other, intensely. It's a near death experience and a wake up call that in many ways has brought us closer. Examining our relationship at this level is intense and bonding. And sometimes it just sucks. Forgiveness is easy, processing the betrayal is the crappy part.

 

How can you forgive prior to processing?

[JewelD]

Are you asking because you want to know if your xMM is having success in his reconciliation with his wife? That's not going to help with your obsessive thoughts over him.

[Cyra]

Are you asking because you want to know if your xMM is having success in his reconciliation with his wife? That's not going to help with your obsessive thoughts over him.

 

I know that. Frankly I dont think anything is going to help with that! But I still would like the insight, because in my obsessive thoughts I am picturing things one extreme way and I would like to know how it really is for normal people. Just looking for perspective

Edited October 30, 2016 by Cyra

[Cyra]

I am interested to hear the insights of BWs, after the husband confessed or got caught and they agreed on reconciliation.

 

How did you feel? Were you angry, resentful, hurt, relieved? Were you still in love with him and did you want to take him back because of love? Or did you do it for other factors such as family, money, image etc? Were you tempted to kick him out but changed your mind?

 

Have you ever stopped resenting him? Have you ever trusted him fully again or were you always suspicious, keeping an eye on him?

 

How long, if at all, did it take for you to truly forgive him? Were you able to just put it behind you after a short time and go back to normal? How long did it take to be intimate with him again?

 

Are things the same as they were before the A?

[gettingstronger]

I know that. Frankly I dont think anything is going to help with that! But I still would like the insight, because in my obsessive thoughts I am picturing things one extreme way and I would like to know how it really is for normal people. Just looking for perspective

 

Google hysterical bonding- you'll wonder no more.

[Cyra]

Google hysterical bonding- you'll wonder no more.

 

I kinda doubt that is a healthy way of working through things (as the name hysterical would suggest), more of a reflex reaction to stress.

I personally dont think i would want to have sex with the person who has just cheated on me, but what do I know

Edited October 30, 2016 by Cyra

[gettingstronger]

I kinda doubt that is a healthy way of working through things (as the name hysterical would suggest), more of a reflex reaction to stress.

I personally dont think i would want to have sex with the person who has just cheated on me, but what do I know

 

It's an odd sensation, but it's fun and raw and a release. For us it lasted three years. Hard to explain but then again, I have a hard time understanding sleeping with someone else's husband so I guess that's why the two "sides" can only get so far in understanding.

[Cyra]

Hard to explain but then again, I have a hard time understanding sleeping with someone else's husband so I guess that's why the two "sides" can only get so far in understanding.

 

Appreciate that. Best if the line is not crossed by any party

Just out of curiosity, do you not have trouble understanding a husband sleeping with someone else? Because it takes 2 to tango and he is not just some innocent victim

Never married here so cant comment but after what ive seen in my own life and elsewhere i dont think id want to, for exactly that reason

[MidnightBlue1980]

Appreciate that. Best if the line is not crossed by any party

Just out of curiosity, do you not have trouble understanding a husband sleeping with someone else? Because it takes 2 to tango and he is not just some innocent victim

Never married here so cant comment but after what ive seen in my own life and elsewhere i dont think id want to, for exactly that reason

 

I have been on both sides, I rarely post as the BS. To answer you though, when I caught him (texts and pictures on his phone), there was this ah-ha moment, like you finally got the answer to the question you didn't know you had. My H was like a different person as I confronted him, blaming me for all this stuff in his life and saying all this stuff about how he had been under my thumb and controlled by me, I guess this was his rationalization to himself, his way of saying it was okay what he was doing.

 

For about 24 hours I was not sure what was going to happen but I offered to drop him off at her place and he had no intention of leaving me, he said he had made that clear to her, he wanted to work on our marriage and he only hung out with her to make me realize I was taking him for granted.

 

I will give my H credit, unlike my xmm, he was honest that he had told his OW he loved her and did not throw her under the bus at all. He took all the responsibility, but he had no intention of leaving to be with her. My situation is odd as we had a brief open marriage for a few months but he eventually told her that he couldn't see her anymore as he needed to work on his marriage. It ended pretty badly, I saw some of her texts. She was pretty upset, to put it mildly.

 

The really odd/bad part about this all was I got to see exactly what must have went on in my xmm's house when he told his wife, except he threw me under the bus, denied a lot of stuff and blamed me, played the victim. But I got to see how the OW means nothing and is a pawn to MM to hurt their wives.

 

Since you asked, yes, since the A, we have a lot more sex. We almost never did before.

 

My advice to you is the advice I give myself for xmm - don't dwell on his sex life, marriage, life. Nothing good will come from it for you.

Edited October 30, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[DKT3]

I know that. Frankly I dont think anything is going to help with that! But I still would like the insight, because in my obsessive thoughts I am picturing things one extreme way and I would like to know how it really is for normal people. Just looking for perspective

 

I bet dealing with your own situation at home would help.

[Lion Heart]

I am interested to hear the insights of BWs, after the husband confessed or got caught and they agreed on reconciliation.

 

How did you feel? Were you angry, resentful, hurt, relieved? Were you still in love with him and did you want to take him back because of love? Or did you do it for other factors such as family, money, image etc? Were you tempted to kick him out but changed your mind?

 

Have you ever stopped resenting him? Have you ever trusted him fully again or were you always suspicious, keeping an eye on him?

 

How long, if at all, did it take for you to truly forgive him? Were you able to just put it behind you after a short time and go back to normal? How long did it take to be intimate with him again?

 

Are things the same as they were before the A?

 

Relieved for the TRUTH about WH, absolutely. It turned out not to be "only ONE affair" but many MANY OW.

Trickle truth for 9-10 months. Don't think I still know ALL but as the list got to 15-25 names & scenarios I knew all I needed to know.

 

Hurt? Resentful etc etc that comes NOWHERE near the feelings of utter betrayal, shock and revelations of his bare faced lies to me and my children. The whole community and both our families.

 

I kicked him out that night.

And SO MANY times afterwards.

He legally had a right to live here so I couldn't keep him out.

If I knew THEN what I know now about Law, I would've acted very differently.

It's only through my participation in a Domestic Violence Course that I find that cheating and other things he did ARE indeed DV and ofcourse I could've had an AVO slapped on him. Still may.

Had an Order Of Exclusion from the property (harder to get but not impossible).

BUT he had begun the hysterical Bonding BEFORE the A was found out and I was falling in love again with him.

Yes it hurt ALOT to know that this is what he did to get me into a space where I wouldn't end it.

Didn't know the ONLY reason was my gravy train.

 

I tried to R at one stage after finding LS.

His behaviours were so despicable towards me. No.

I did everything else in between except for a revenge affair as he pushed me to do.

 

I would NEVER TRUST him ever. No one ever should. In ANY way.

Our children don't lol.

 

He was not just cheating on me (and cheating our children) but cheating on all the OW.

 

If you're an OW Cyra or exOW then realize that if WH / MM didn't RUN full throttle to you at any point leaving his BW then he never had any intentions to.

 

WH threw ALL the OW under buses.

Now he's been single for IDK A YEAR? He hasn't gone anywhere near any of them lol. I laugh because he is a PIECE of work. Liar. Deceiver and future faker.

 

The sooner you see THIS the easier to move on.

IC will help.

 

If I CAN ditch the cheater out of my life with a past M, children, property, 401k plans then you can ditch a MM that gave you none of that.

 

AND YOU'D BE lucky MM was only a MM and not your WH.

You chose to become involved with a MM if that's the case.

So it's all on you.

 

I chose to marry a single man, get pregnant with his twins. Build a life together.

 

I never KNEW such hell as this M on every conceivable level. Never knew such despicable men walked the earth appearing to be so lovely lol.

 

I CERTAINLY KNOW now!

 

I have a gorgeous man now.

 

WH wasn't going to hold ME back although he threatens constantly to break us up.

I told WH I wouldn't sleep with a man I didn't love.

 

I'm not like him.

 

From what I've experienced with my bf, he's the OPPOSITE of WH in every conceivable way.

About time too!

 

I knew that the longer I held on to any thing at all with WH including my thoughts (LS helps and doesn't lol) then I was only holding MYSELF back from living my dream life.

 

Lion Heart

[Aliceislost]

Why do you want to know?

 

Are we BWs your object of curiosity? To conduct a social experiment? To see how much you OW have power over us? How can you make us feel miserable and helpless by taking our husbands and then showing your generosity by giving him back? Do you think you are God?

 

Guess what, our husbands were the one that chooses us and leaves you when they want to reconcile.

[Cyra]

Why do you want to know?

 

Are we BWs your object of curiosity? To conduct a social experiment? To see how much you OW have power over us? How can you make us feel miserable and helpless by taking our husbands and then showing your generosity by giving him back? Do you think you are God?

 

Guess what, our husbands were the one that chooses us and leaves you when they want to reconcile.

 

None of above, your hostility is misguided. Simply looking for insight, its ok if you dont want to share it.

[MJJean]

I kinda doubt that is a healthy way of working through things (as the name hysterical would suggest), more of a reflex reaction to stress.

I personally dont think i would want to have sex with the person who has just cheated on me, but what do I know

 

It's not about healthy ways to work through things. It's something different. The closest I can describe it is having hot, casual, NSA sex with someone you are familiar with who knows your body well.

 

Lots of people get past the hysterical bonding stage and say "Thanks for all the awesome orgasms, but this isn't the relationship I want. Good luck."

 

Others use it as a time of sexual and emotional renewal and build off of the hysterical bonding phase.

[Aliceislost]

I urge all the wives who were betrayed: PLEASE DON'T VALIDATE HER!!

 

I can assure you she is relishing on your tales of misery.

 

See she has not given any apology for the hurt caused but stated what she would or wouldn't do when she has no idea what its like to be betrayed. Classic NPD

Edited October 30, 2016 by Aliceislost

[Cyra]

I urge all the wives who were betrayed: PLEASE DON'T VALIDATE HER!!

 

I can assure you she is relishing on your tales of misery.

 

See she has not given any apology for the hurt caused but stated what she would or wouldn't do when she has no idea what its like to be betrayed. Classic NPD

 

Im not relishing in anyone's misery. Not once did i claim to know what its like. I asked for insight on the topic, not for reasons you assigned to me, and people can respond or not respond.

[Herbalist]

This was several years ago and the only serious relation I ever had, so was not even a marriage, but we were together for a couple years still. I found out by snooping and he did not know that I knew, but I think he knew that I suspected. Anyway it was painful but I also did not want him anymore. It was sort of like I had been fighting to keep our bond from breaking and that was the thing that completely broke what was left of my side of it. So there was just no point anymore. It was not really about forgiveness or hate or whatever for me, it was just over. It was painful yes but it was still done.

 

I broke things off and he was officially with her a few days later, plastered all of his facebook which was quite awkward as it looked like a crazy rebound. He even took her then to a spot where we had spent a lot of time together in the woods, and he carved their initials into a tree there and put it on their facebooks. It was all very bizarre to me. About a year later he cheated on her as well and dumped her for someone else. I think he is on woman #6 now in this pattern but I have not responded to one of his random emails in quite some time so I don't know for sure. I don't really hate or him or love him or feel anything for him. I guess mostly I do not respect him and that is just the feeling itself, a lack of respect and so just a lack in general, a nothingness. It has been several years and even a couple months ago he had emailed again trying to start conversation, but I felt nothing and ignored it.

 

So anyway in my case I guess it just caused me to emotionally end things, it set me free in a way when I found out.

[wmacbride]

I urge all the wives who were betrayed: PLEASE DON'T VALIDATE HER!!

 

I can assure you she is relishing on your tales of misery.

 

See she has not given any apology for the hurt caused but stated what she would or wouldn't do when she has no idea what its like to be betrayed. Classic NPD

 

I can understand your point of view, but if the op is asking because she is an ow who wants to feel powerful - and I have no idea if that is why she asked- then she won't get that here.

 

Most bs that I have known, both in real life and online, have taken the experience and it made them stronger.

 

I don't know about anyone else, but it allowed me to find a new way to define myself. I am a mother, wife and strong person in my own right. i have a lot to offer, and can make a huge contribution if I try.

I don't need a man in my life to be happy, as I can be that on my own. I stayed with my husband because I wanted to,not because I needed to, and from what he says, he feels the same way about me.

 

tbh, I haven't encountered many ow or om who relish hearing about the bs pain because it makes them feel powerful. The ones I have had contact with who are like that are usually so deluded and out of touch that it's not worth the time to point that motive out tot them. they will never see it.

[Lion Heart]

Each OW in just this STBexVWH here had DIFFERENT stories about the experiences but one thing in common.

 

WH GROOMED them.

 

That's what Sexual Predators do.

GROOM their VICTIMS.

As the Psychologist we saw described WH after ONE known A. Lol YOU COULD see WH shock and horror at that. It's quite amazing that I found LS because it was the advice here that I invoked during my Hiatus from LS.

A LIE DETECTOR test.

 

Sure some OWs were "easy" lol in every way.

Believing WH to be sincere in his compliments to them.

 

But seriously? A LIE DETECTOR TEST?

 

SO my mind was definitely made up then and there.

If I needed some form of measuring and monitoring and WATCHING WH (my H and father of my children) for the rest of my life.

 

I was done with THAT life.

 

OWs didn't cause my pain although some tried.

I laughed at those.

 

WH shattered our family.

 

But ya know?

 

I'm REALLY GRATEFUL he did!!

 

I've got the lot now!

It's EXWH SEETHING with rage.

 

Sure he triggers anger by his irresponsible behaviours with the children and finances now.

 

But any potential gf he meets is GONNA FIND OUT about him being a Serial Cheating H to his hard working, smart wife and beautiful children. It's a small world lol.

 

I relish in the knowledge that someone up there must've been looking out for US - the kids and I for this Ahole to be fully exposed.

 

WH will spend the rest of his life fighting his addictions.

Being homeless ie renting. His credit ratings smashed.

He gambles every cent he can.

Even if he wins anything the Govt just increases my child support lol.

 

Yes he's lost everything. Most importantly the RESPECT of his children.

 

So all scenarios are different but to fill your mind with other people's lives just distracts from the important work in YOURS.

 

Lion Heart

[Raena]

I am interested to hear the insights of BWs, after the husband confessed or got caught and they agreed on reconciliation.

 

How did you feel? Were you angry, resentful, hurt, relieved? Were you still in love with him and did you want to take him back because of love? Or did you do it for other factors such as family, money, image etc? Were you tempted to kick him out but changed your mind?

 

Have you ever stopped resenting him? Have you ever trusted him fully again or were you always suspicious, keeping an eye on him?

 

How long, if at all, did it take for you to truly forgive him? Were you able to just put it behind you after a short time and go back to normal? How long did it take to be intimate with him again?

 

Are things the same as they were before the A?

 

I think I completely understand what it is you are trying to figure out here. I did the same about OW's after my ex and I split up. I wanted to understand where she was coming from and why in the world she would chose to put herself in that situation for as long as she did. I didn't get it. It made no sense to me why some woman would sit around waiting for a man to leave his relationship to be with her. I think I understand it a little better now and it was part of my healing process to see all sides of the story.

 

That being said, you aren't really helping yourself with all this wondering about what is going on with your exMM and his wife. You won't find those answers here. Only they know what is going on in their marriage at this moment. You can bet that it's a living hell for his wife. I'm sure she is going through a variety of emotions and feelings about this situation that likely won't just go away anytime soon. It will take years of intense conversations and open-honesty for them to get through what he did to their marriage. They may not survive it... especially if they don't address all of the issues openly instead of sweeping them under the rug so to speak.

 

I know for myself... to share a little insight from my point of view... when my ex cheated on me when I was pregnant I was an absolute MESS. We split up for the better part of a year and then when we did get back together we never really did address it. He got sick of hearing about it and wanted me to just forget it happened because "it wasn't ever going to happen again". I was expected to just forget what he did and move on like it never happened. It took me the better part of 5 years before I finally started to feel like I could trust him again based on his actions. Just as I thought I could trust him, he cheated again. We never really truly reconciled in the way that it should have happened. I've learned since that reconciliation does not work unless the offending party is truly remorseful and makes an effort to address the reasons why it happened in the first place and then makes sure to never let it happen again. It's a painful process and my ex couldn't be bothered to go through that with me which is why things never really got better even when I thought they did.

 

The thing is though... he never went back to the first OW, even though he had a child with her. He blamed her for the issues in our relationship. When he cheated again, he did the same with the next OW. He blamed her for what happened between he and I. In his mind, it was all her fault that he screwed up and I finally ended things with him. Eventually he came to the realization that it was his own fault but by that time, he had screwed up his relationship with her too and now they aren't together either. He consistently blamed her for the ending of our relationship and still does. She blackmailed him, she couldn't just go away, she had to make sure I knew, she acted crazy after we split up so he couldn't spend time with our child... blah, blah, blah.

 

See... my story is different than yours but yet it's not. I see it all the time on here. It's the same story line over and over with different characters and endings. Whether your exMM and his wife make it through this storm is hard to say. Chances are good though that his actions have destroyed their marriage and they are fighting to stay afloat. The best you can do for yourself is to move on and let him go. If they fall apart, don't be sitting there waiting for him because it's likely it won't work out for you with him either.

 

Best of luck to you in your journey for the whole story. As you go through this and move past it you'll see that trying to see the big picture and learn from it is just part of healing. Just don't get stuck there in trying to find out what's happening in their marriage. You won't be ale to move on if you do and that's exactly what you need to be doing... moving on.

[Forever broken]

I urge all the wives who were betrayed: PLEASE DON'T VALIDATE HER!!

 

I can assure you she is relishing on your tales of misery.

 

See she has not given any apology for the hurt caused but stated what she would or wouldn't do when she has no idea what its like to be betrayed. Classic NPD

 

Am pretty sure she wasn't asking for any validation. No need to be hostile.