WTH Is Happening?

[Crescendo]

Idk what to title it as but that's all I could think of. I'll try to keep it short I won't try to write a novel in here. I just found this site. Because even though I have my happy times I am still a bit depressed and confused and vengeful. I guess this is a spot to air it out among similar people?

 

But I found my ex GF online. We hit it off somehow. Prior to this I was single a long time and I did not want to get into any other RS. But we just...connected so well I guess. It was around winter. We've gone out for like 8 months. And something happened I was afraid of; I fell in love.

She loved me too. I wasn't enthused about love because it comes with heartbreak. I have a heart on my sleeve, you know? But it happened. And it was great. She was great. I thought I really found the one. She's 24 and I'm 27.

 

But around the 5th or 6th I started to feel like my value to her was dwindling. Something...changed. I just knew it. But did not want to believe it. I loved her a lot and was hoping she felt the same. But it seemed like she got distant. She forgot about the small things. I addressed her on it. And we made some reassurance. I thought everything was fine.

 

But around like the 7th month, it felt like sometimes I annoyed her. I couldn't joke and be silly with her. But I thought it was with her being stressed from getting into her new job I helped her get. Her mom was driving her a bit crazy too. Some of the stress she took out on me. But I would lash back at her because I'm not a fan of that. Idc how bad of a day you had, don't take it out on me because that isn't fair.

 

We started to get into small skirmishes but that was because she'd say some shady **** to me on the low, and expect me to take it and I wouldn't. She'd say some real passive aggressive type things. So then she started to blame herself, calling herself a bad GF. I told her no she isn't. No couple is perfect as long as we love each other anything is possible.

 

So out of nowhere, she asks for us to take a break. Looking back on it, I should've known what that meant. But I loved her very much (this being my first time in love) I just was optimistic this was just a phase we'd get through. But ironically, she kept "breaking" the break! But when she'd come to visit me, it was never the same as how we used to do it. She'd smoke her weed, then go to bed. We would talk and stuff but it was all so dry.

 

So then out of nowhere, over messaging she breaks up with me! I was heated. She told me that she is sure that I will find someone who can love me like I am supposed to be loved, but there are things wrong with her and she just needs to be single. Being in a relationship takes up too much of her time and she needs to focus on other things and get spiritual.

She wanted us to be great friends. How the **** can you say be friends?? And do this over the phone? It's like her values on the RS meant nothing.

 

She says, I do love you though. And I told her not to speak to me anymore. We broke up in the summer.

Then a month later she ends up contacting me again. I was kind of recovered by then. I needed to know why she "really" broke up with me. But I couldn't pinpoint it.

I took pity on her because she claimed to be emotionally unstable. So I agreed to being friends (just that). I never went to visit her or anything. Rarely talked to her. But we did joke around a few times.

 

But here's what infuriated me more. I found out from a friend that she was seen with another guy. I didn't want to believe it, but if it were true, I just would think: oh...well she's probably ****ing him.

But I ended up stumbling back on to her FB page and saw how she claimed him to be her "boo thang". I was like, WTF. I thought you didn't want to be in a RS anymore? And if you did love me, after you straightened yourself out, wouldn't you come back to me? At least?

 

I never confronted her on it. But even though she's going with him, she'll still inbox me sometimes. It makes me even wonder was she talking to the guy before we broke up?

I can't believe she said that she was emotionally hurt, but yet, you're with a guy. I look 10x better than him also, but I guess it's something else that moved her. And he works with her. They go to the same job.

 

I just don't get women. Why even talk to me anymore? You should be into HIM! I had sat down one day to recollect all what happened. And I'm like...WTF how did this happen? What is her agenda here? It seems like my happiness didn't even matter. As soon as (for whatever reason) she was unhappy, it didn't matter how I felt. It didn't even matter how I felt afterwards because she tried to make me feel bad for feeling the way I felt.

 

Omg it's gonna be a long time before I let myself open up like that again...

[ExpatInItaly]

She is a typical flake.

 

Unfortunately, it probably makes her feel good to get attention from you. Some people get off on knowing they're wanted, even if the feeling isn't mutual. So, she reaches out to see if you will respond. She might be doing it when she's getting "enough" attention from her new guy. It is wrong, but I have seen this happen with less mature individuals.

 

Block and delete her. She isn't girlfriend material and she can only continue to mess with your life if you give her access to you.

[Downtown]

She claimed to be emotionally unstable.

Crescendo, she may be telling you the truth about being unstable. If drug addiction and a strong hormone change (e.g., pregnancy or perimenopause) can be ruled out, the two most common causes of emotional instability are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and bipolar disorder. If you're interested, I describe the primary differences I've seen between the behaviors of a BPDer (my exW) and a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. If that description of BPD behavior rings many bells, I would suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs.

[Frozensushi]

I was thinking the same thing Downtown. There is certainly a few red flags that point in BPD/Bipolar direction. Not saying she is suffering, but it never hurts to get a little educated on these things. Could help finding the root cause and maybe shed some some light on the OP's situation.

[Crescendo]

She is a typical flake.

 

Unfortunately, it probably makes her feel good to get attention from you. Some people get off on knowing they're wanted, even if the feeling isn't mutual. So, she reaches out to see if you will respond. She might be doing it when she's getting "enough" attention from her new guy. It is wrong, but I have seen this happen with less mature individuals.

 

Block and delete her. She isn't girlfriend material and she can only continue to mess with your life if you give her access to you.

 

I never thought of it that way. In a sense of her getting attention from me. Ever since I found out about the guy I rarely talked to her. Now she hits me back first. I'm moot on it.

 

So not talking to her and deleting her? I admit that's gonna be hard for me. It was easy the first time because I just did it. I deleted her cousin. I have her sister as a friend. I don't talk to her sister but we comment on statuses sometimes. I befriended her back because I assured her I was over it all. We can just be friends. Idk what friends she was thinking, but any; visiting, hanging out, ****ing, none of that is coming from me. I don't want to see her.

 

I feel like if I delete her I will go back on my word. I was okay until I found that out. I agree with your advice trust me. I'm not disregarding it. It's just one of those "easier said than done" type things.

 

Maybe I still have a shred of feelings for her in my heart, but my brain tells me somewhat of what you stated.

[Crescendo]

Crescendo, she may be telling you the truth about being unstable. If drug addiction and a strong hormone change (e.g., pregnancy or perimenopause) can be ruled out, the two most common causes of emotional instability are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and bipolar disorder. If you're interested, I describe the primary differences I've seen between the behaviors of a BPDer (my exW) and a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. If that description of BPD behavior rings many bells, I would suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs.

 

She doesn't use drugs heavily just some weed here and there. She also drinks. But it is ironic because her mom is an alcoholic (idk about her dad) but whenever she got drunk, she would say some things man. Eerie things like how I really didn't like her, etc.

 

Oh man....me writing this is shedding more light on what @ExpatInItaly said.

 

But I read upon the symptoms and some she does display. She seemed confused about herself. She doesn't have much of a personality. But it's like she "needs" people to generally like her. So she will go to a party and drink. But then she wants to be spiritual and grounded. Then she wants affection but then I am giving too much of it. Like make up your mind man.

 

From the time we've been together I have been consistent. The same person. Just a little more vulnerable.

[Crescendo]

I am feeling a bit down since my recent breakup. I have been broken up with before but this one was different because I was in love. I don't hate all women, that won't get me anywhere. Stuff happens.

But I just don't get how people can do someone so wrong. Like how can someone be deceiving? I am not a guy who opens up well. Not a pushover. I can defend myself. But everytime I try to open up, do the right thing, somehow my efforts and heart get pushed away.

I'm generally a cool guy. I never cheated, abused physically or verbally. I have shouted and said some bad things but never been a bully of it.

Yet, these ladies continue to do me wrong in the end. I'd either break up with them or they cheat or break with me.

 

The last RS was like the last straw for me. Not to mention I am autistic spectrum and I view things in different ways. She's off with another guy and I am processing it all the best way I can. The way she treated me in the beginning, I thought we had something. But gradually it seemed like she was deceptive in many ways.

 

I cannot even look at her the same. Or myself. I hate the way things are now. I feel thankful for what I have but I am just nowhere now. My sister is pregnant and having a kid. She lives with me. That'll change my life somehow. Everyone is getting married and going on. I'm just here...and why? I'm happy when I'm outside but inside I am full of sorrow.

I have no one to talk to about this. No one gets it. All they try to do is heavily criticize me. Seems like when I have an idea on a direction in my life it gets shot down. Seems like all everyone wants to do is have me happy in bliss. But when I explode or freak out, THEN everybody wants to love me.

 

I even got into it with my mom. She knocked me down for expressing myself. I asked her, "Do you know what it feels like to be alone? Sleep by yourself for years and years?" She's been married 16 yrs and after the divorce she went and got another guy. Same thing with my sister, she was with a guy 5 yrs and broke up, month later got another guy.

 

I guess I am admitting I am kind of an emo wreck now. I'd never admit that in person. But here, I can. I just cannot see how my ex can just dump me, get a new guy 2 months later and act as if everything is okay. But tries to make me feel guilty for not wanting to be friends. Seems like no one wants to have time for me. Once they need to move on, they go.

 

It's crazy because I am 27 now. Me 7 yrs ago I would've told her to kick rocks. But I guess falling in love is what happened. And I never wanted to fall in love because I grew up around broken RS. But it did anyways. Ugh! I cannot believe I'm even tripping about this but I am.

[umirano]

I feel you. A few things:

 

* it's not "the ladies". Some, troubled ones, yes. Not all of them. Your story is very familiar. Maybe guys like us have to be extra careful not to get with the troubled ones. I certainly feel that way after being dumped the second time by an attractive, yet medicating (and diagnosed) girl.

 

* I also don't feel like I can really talk to my family about RS issues. Better turn to friends. Family has many advantages, but it's not a silver bullet in all situations.

 

* you're no doctor or therapist. Any healing capabilities you may have are best used on yourself right now. Get her out of your life and fast. Look after yourself right now. You're not going to fix her or the relationship anyway.

[umirano]

You can't control whether you are going to fall in love or not and how old you are is of no significance. Don't set unrealistic expectations for yourself. You live your life, not that of your sister or your friends.

[bn4life]

I'm just broke with my ex about 2 weeks ago, I was devastated cause I had fallen in love for the first time, prior to this i was numb to everything. I was doing a lot for her, buying things, putting positive energy into the relationship but we had started a long distance and things went down kinda like your story. DONT FOCUS on if she was cheating on you or lying to you, it doesn't matter, I accepted it either way, she wants out and I would rather move on than deal with this negativity. I have to thank my ex for telling me one hurtful fact, when we were breaking up, she said ' I don't want to keep ghosting you '. I hated her for saying that but now I think she said it out of some form of love for me. Your ex might have decided to move on mentally, but just didn't want to pull the plug. After a week of travelling I realized it's better to let go, I was too desperate to keep a ****ty relationship going and ex would have strung me along while banging other guys. I'm the same age and same situation, take it from me, let her go, you will feel much better, I accepted the fact that my ex is someone else's problem now.

[Crescendo]

I feel you. A few things:

 

* it's not "the ladies". Some, troubled ones, yes. Not all of them. Your story is very familiar. Maybe guys like us have to be extra careful not to get with the troubled ones. I certainly feel that way after being dumped the second time by an attractive, yet medicating (and diagnosed) girl.

 

* I also don't feel like I can really talk to my family about RS issues. Better turn to friends. Family has many advantages, but it's not a silver bullet in all situations.

 

* you're no doctor or therapist. Any healing capabilities you may have are best used on yourself right now. Get her out of your life and fast. Look after yourself right now. You're not going to fix her or the relationship anyway.

 

You can't control whether you are going to fall in love or not and how old you are is of no significance. Don't set unrealistic expectations for yourself. You live your life, not that of your sister or your friends.

 

I'm just broke with my ex about 2 weeks ago, I was devastated cause I had fallen in love for the first time, prior to this i was numb to everything. I was doing a lot for her, buying things, putting positive energy into the relationship but we had started a long distance and things went down kinda like your story. DONT FOCUS on if she was cheating on you or lying to you, it doesn't matter, I accepted it either way, she wants out and I would rather move on than deal with this negativity. I have to thank my ex for telling me one hurtful fact, when we were breaking up, she said ' I don't want to keep ghosting you '. I hated her for saying that but now I think she said it out of some form of love for me. Your ex might have decided to move on mentally, but just didn't want to pull the plug. After a week of travelling I realized it's better to let go, I was too desperate to keep a ****ty relationship going and ex would have strung me along while banging other guys. I'm the same age and same situation, take it from me, let her go, you will feel much better, I accepted the fact that my ex is someone else's problem now.

 

Thanks for the extra input. Reading all these anonymous people helping other troubled people on here is quite a nice sight. I've even seen some harsh advice on here but I guess people need that sometimes.

 

@umirano loved the segment you said about not knowing when I'd fall in love again or not. I still fear it but after all I am human and won't be able to help it. I just need to be more wiser. With my sister being pregnant really shifted things but I am figuring out a gameplan because I do feel like I won't stay with her for so long. Not after the baby gets born and gets older.

 

I have talked to some people on here in messaging and they are helping me too. I am slowly feeling better and letting her all go. It won't happen overnight. I think it's because I want to cuss her out. I want her to feel my wrath but that is energy I need to channel into something else or energy to save once she tries to pull a veil over me.

 

For right now I don't say anything to her at all. She'll FB message me but I'll ignore it for a while and eventually answer later.

[umirano]

You might want to block her. Checkout my profile and my old threads, if you want to see how soft NC doesn't work.

[bn4life]

Some updates for all of you, LESSONS LEARNED

I was not dealing with things properly, i was angry with my ex and over the weekend i sent her a final long text, blaming her for losing the relationship , for becoming distant and blocked her. I knew i shouldnt have but i was too angry, i didnt sleep that night or the next, i finally called her but it was too late she had blocked me, i left her a voicemail and waited in agony, finally she called me (3 sleep less days later), I apologized for all the anger and i told her i want her to be happy and i wanted her to find someone better.

 

The whole time i was so angry i never realized i became a monster and but she did, if you ever loved that person let them go cause you holding on to them just makes everyone miserable, if you want to fight for her go ahead but change yourself before you do. I made a huge mistake during the relationship, i took everything for granted, even if i was doing things for her i wasnt there emotionally.

 

I learned a little too late but when the right person comes along, i wont make that mistake again. I hope this gives you some kinda of hope or maybe brings you back to reality. Its hard to face facts but the sooner you do the better. As for Crescendo, dont ever regret opening up to her, take it from me, i was cold and emotionless, nothing could hurt me but i fell for her and during the breakup i was really hurting, crying all day and night, i think more than normal people.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel tho.......all the pain you had before, that made you cold, it will not return 'you can hold me to it', the love that you had tore down the walls and rebuilds you into a stronger person, before my relationship i was quiet,reserved and never mentioned about my personal life but now im posting about a breakup i had and the lessons learned, i hope all of this will help you find that light in the tunnel.

-Cheers

Edited November 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Crescendo]

I say about 3 days ago I went NC thing. Like I completely deleted and blocked her cold turkey. There wasn't any last messages, not farewells. I just did it. Because I forgot to mention she did break up with me once and we were friends but we went back together. So twice she did not want me. I just accept the fact that I am not what she wants and I need to take responsibility for myself in not let myself slide into submission.

 

Being her friend wouldn't get me nowhere. I couldn't see the point. If we weren't working to come back together I couldn't see the point; plus she has a guy. I'm not ready to see her happy on her statuses about some other person.

 

So I am 4 days in on NC. And what is happening is all the good memories are creeping up. And with me being alone. But I still have feelings for her. Doubt those will ever erase away, but I need to get her out of my thoughts and process this positively.

[Crescendo]

So I am closing in on a week of true NC. I am getting better. Even though I get a few updates on how my ex is doing. But I just know that good will rarely come to her and I move on with my life.

 

Her sister I am friends with on Facebook. Her cousin deleted me though which is okay. Her sister stayed. She changed her name because she was being stalked. Now I told her sister that I would like to get something for her kids. I fell in love with her kids; which is a rule in dating to not get too attached to people's kids.

 

I messaged her sister saying I would like to get something for her kids because I missed their birthday. Her birthday was also coming up, so I said I'd get her a little something. She told me I am awesome and it is okay. I bought the kids a few toys; she has a boy and girl. Then I bought her cookies and a gift card (Idk how to shop for people really, can't go wrong with a gift card, right? Lol)

 

So the first week was her birthday weekend which I understand. She couldn't meet me. But then, during the week, she still didn't. I told her like twice, when you get the time let's meet up so I can see the kids. But she still doesn't say anything about it. All we do is go back and forth in the inbox, and she goes and likes my statuses and stuff.

Idk what the deal is. Maybe she thinks I'm trying to get with her or just talk bad about my ex to her, but I'm not.

 

I could give a **** less about my ex. And I'm not amped about meeting her sis, I just wanted to see the kids. But she's stalling me. I know when a person is stalling me. I feel like she is trying to insult my intelligence. So I am gonna say **** it and give the stuff away. I'm debating on giving her the same treatment I gave my ex.

You don't do that to people. Tell them one thing and leave them hanging.

 

You got a guy here that is trying to do something for your kids with nothing in return. I'm not trying to have sex. Not trying to show my ex up. NOTHING! I'm doing this out of my heart! I have 2 nieces and 2 nephews I never seen before and I love these kids more. We had a connection. But I feel quite disrespected and I thought she was better than that. She's my same age and she does this.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you are crossing a boundary.

 

It's not a good idea to be buying presents for an ex's family. That relationship is over too, and you need to accept it. Trying to find ways to connect with her family isn't appropriate. You say you are doing this in kindness, but that is not how it will appear to her sister or your ex.

 

It's also not good for the kids to be hanging out with you after their aunt broke it off. It's too confusing for them.

 

Leave them all alone.

[VienneseCoffee]

It isn't just women that do crazy things like this. Read my message history, I've been getting the run around from an ex that kept talking about wanting to get back together and he loved me. and then he vanished and I found a photo of him and a new girl on FB two weeks later. I have him blocked everywhere right now. I guess they like the attention from you or they're keeping you around as a Plan B or something like that. Whatever their stupid reasoning is just cut them out of your life.

[Crescendo]

I put myself in their shoes too. I cannot blame her for how she would think, but she should've said no. That's all I am saying. There were times I babysat the kids and picked and dropped them off places. They even said they loved me. That is something I could not go away from. Believe me I tried at first. But then I just reached out.

 

I saw a pic of her son shooting a basketball and I was so excited for him. So bad that I wanted to play with him and teach him things. But in the end, ultimately I moved on. It was out of my heart. If she would've said no I understand. But she said yes and stonewalled me that I didn't like. So I deleted and blocked her.

I could have blocked her a long time ago, she could've done the same thing.

 

It's strange. When me and my ex broke up, her sis was quite active on my statuses on FB. She'd reply to my comments as well. But when we were together she barely did that. I moved on though and it felt quite liberating. Her sis was the only connection to her I had, basically.

[Been]

You know it took me sometime to realize this-why would you bother to try to be friends with an ex who disrespected you when you dated ?

Because even as friends could you really take his/her word for anything?No everything would be suspect.