What on earth is wrong with him? Am I dealing with a lunatic?

October 30, 2016

I have a huge problem and I need your help. I think my judgment is clouded so I'd love to hear what you guys think from "the outside".

I met this guy at work a year ago and we've been having some sort of relationship for a while (not an official one, but doing stuff together and being intimate). We have both recently split up with our ex-partners and for that reason (together with the fact that we work together atm), I have told him that I don't want to start a relationship but I'm glad to spend time together. Thus, we are also allowed to see other people.

I genuinely like him, but he has two sides to his personality and they are totally different. The better side, which I fell for, is his charm, sense of humour, interest in doing nice stuff with me... He's extremely nice and I love spending time with him. In fact, he even seems to adore me (which is a bit scary at times).

But then there's the other side of him: he drinks and when he does, he becomes crazy. It has happened a few times now: he says stuff that doesn't make any sense, becomes verbally aggressive and a bit paranoid, calls me a liar... Also, in general, he's very private and doesn't tell me what's going on in his life. He has a history of alcohol and drug abuse. He was using drugs 20 years ago but a couple of months ago, I found out that he took amphetamine one evening.

For instance yesterday, this happened: we we're supposed to spend the evening together making dinner. I called him in the afternoon and I immediately noticed that he was drunk (in the middle of the day btw..). He said that he's irritated because I keep asking him what he's doing and with whom (that's true, I ask because I'm interested as he basically never tells me ANYTHING which I find weird). Then he told me to "**** off" because he thinks that I've been going out on dates without telling him (which I haven't, thus, I have nothing to tell him). He also told me that he'd been through something that morning which was really bad and that I'm never going to find out what it is (this is what I'm talking about, I don't know wtf is going on in his life or if this is just a way to get attention).

All this time, I kept my cool (which I usually always do), and tried to talk to him like an adult. I told him that I don't need this and that I'm not gonna take this any more and that we can talk this over another day when he's sober. I then ended the call. After this, he kept on calling me the entire evening, sometimes with a few minutes interval. When I didn't pick up, he started to send me messages like "I knew that you're like that and that you have 'friends like that' "No need to get back to me, ever" and then the next minute he says he's coming over to my place to sort this out. Also, "I'm sad about this" and then the next message is "Just kidding, I'm not sorry at all". This is really f'd up and does not make any sense. This morning, he just sent a message that "My life is so hard and I'm just trying to make the best out of it. I hope that you want to spend time with me." No apologies or anything (I think he's still drunk...).

So, to conclude, I'm completely aware of that he's mentally unstable. I have my theories of why that is and that's another story. The thing is, he's been telling me that he wants to change and I've genuinely believed him. Also, he says this stuff is never going to happen again. You know, the usual story. Then he stays sober for a long while and he's extremely nice and I kind of forget about all of this. I just don't know what to do anymore. I really, REALLY like him, but I'm just falling apart because I can't understand why a person can be so mean at times.

Should I just end this all?

October 30, 2016

You should have ended it a loooong time ago. Sounds like you're on a break now, so time to make it permanent. Look forward to a life without all this unnecessary drama.

October 30, 2016

My guess is that the you "seeing other people" is cracking him up and as his crutch is alcohol and drugs that is what he reaches for.

Many men are happy in FWB arrangements, but tend to want the woman they are in such an arrangement with, to be "true" to them. So whilst he tolerated your ex, now you are a "free" woman, he doesn't like the thought of you seeing other men.

My guess is that he is most likely in love with you and your "I don't want to start a relationship" is killing him.

However, no matter HIS feelings, YOU cannot live your life on tenterhooks pandering to his alcohol/drug fuelled craziness. That is no way to live.

Has he has help recently for his addictions?

Sounds like he needs some.

October 30, 2016

Should I just end this all?

Yes! I survived living with a violent alcoholic for years this all sounds so familiar even the crazy messages that make zero sense they do not change in my opinion so unless you can live with this all the time? leave now why do you need this in your life? you cant save him until he decides to save himself and from how it sounds hes taking zero responsibility for his part of the negativity in his life..trust me tell him you cant deal with his drinking and abuse and if he ever decides to clean himself up completely then he can contact you and stick to that! but until then leave you alone get a restraining order if you have to or trust me he will get physically violent next..the verbal is just the start with these kinds..

October 30, 2016

Thanks so much for your responses, it really helps me to hear what you think because I think I'm too "in it" to see things clearly.

And elaine567, no unfortunately he hasn't gotten any help for his addictions, even though I've told him a hundred times that I think he has an alcohol problem and needs professional help.

The story took a new turn an hour ago when he showed up at my door and asked if he could explain himself. I let him in and he basically told me that he's extremely sorry for his behaviour and can't understand how he could treat me that way. He said that I'm the most important person in his life and he doesn't want to lose me. And that if I only gave him one more chance, he would show me that he can be a good man. Sounds very familiar.

Only this time he said he thinks "he might be an alcoholic" and that he should probably get some help. He's touched the subject before, but not like this. However, I'm not sure if he really meant it or if it's just a temporary feeling. In any case, I could clearly see that he regrets what happened.

The problem is that he's done it before and I don't think I can take another hit, otherwise I'll be shattered. Anyway, I listened to what he had to say and then told him that for now, I can't take this anymore and sent him away. Now he sent me a message saying that I was the love of his life and he regrets what he's done so deeply.

This stuff is so frikkin hard because I really care about him and if it wasn't for his addictions, I think I could be really happy with him. But as you said Poe77, I'm afraid this is only the start.

October 30, 2016

Thanks so much for your responses, it really helps me to hear what you think because I think I'm too "in it" to see things clearly.

And elaine567, no unfortunately he hasn't gotten any help for his addictions, even though I've told him a hundred times that I think he has an alcohol problem and needs professional help.

The story took a new turn an hour ago when he showed up at my door and asked if he could explain himself. I let him in and he basically told me that he's extremely sorry for his behaviour and can't understand how he could treat me that way. He said that I'm the most important person in his life and he doesn't want to lose me. And that if I only gave him one more chance, he would show me that he can be a good man. Sounds very familiar.

Only this time he said he thinks "he might be an alcoholic" and that he should probably get some help. He's touched the subject before, but not like this. However, I'm not sure if he really meant it or if it's just a temporary feeling. In any case, I could clearly see that he regrets what happened.

Th problem is that he's done it before and I don't think I can take another hit, otherwise I'll be shattered. Anyway, I listened to what he had to say and then told him that for now, I can't take this anymore and sent him away. Now he sent me a message saying that I was the love of his life and he regrets what he's done so deeply.

This stuff is so frikkin hard because I really care about him and if it wasn't for his addictions, I think I could be really happy with him. But as you said Poe77, I'm afraid this is only the start.

As you really care for him, then tell him that, but then tell him to get himself into a proper program as nothing will happen between the two of you until he gets himself clean.

Loving and caring for alcoholics often just enables them. Tough love needed. If he is willing to try to get himself dry and clean, and work with you, then maybe get yourself along to Al-Anon. to find out how you can support him and protect yourself at the same time.

October 30, 2016

He could be genuinely in love with you and insecure at the same time-- some other guy take you away kind thing. He turns to alcohol to take away those negative feelings but once the affect is over, reality hits again. The cycle continues and will continue till he stops himself.

He has to stop himself. You can't. You can only tell him that his addiction is a deal breaker for you even though you love him and will walk away even if it's hard.

Walking away is the hardest thing you will do when you still love and care about him but could turn out to be the best thing for both of you. He might step up.

October 30, 2016

Charlotte,

Oh for goodness sake;

But then there's the other side of him: he drinks and when he does, he becomes crazy. It has happened a few times now: he says stuff that doesn't make any sense, becomes verbally aggressive and a bit paranoid, calls me a liar... Also, in general, he's very private and doesn't tell me what's going on in his life. He has a history of alcohol and drug abuse. He was using drugs 20 years ago but a couple of months ago, I found out that he took amphetamine one evening.

Who on earth needs all this hassle?

Give this guy the bum's rush and find a normal drug-free, balanced guy to date.

Edited October 30, 2016 by Arieswoman

October 30, 2016

Good for you, for having the courage to do what you needed to do and sending him away!

You definitely do not want to fall into the trap of believing that you can save him. Though well intended if you care for him, it is not healthy - for him or for you.

He definitely has a problem with alcohol. He also becomes violent and abusive when he is drinking. Even if he does admit that he has a problem and he seeks treatment, most counsellors will recommend that an individual in recovery not enter a relationship during the first year of that recovery.

This guy has some serious things he needs to sort out. It's up to him to do that. You need to give him the time and space to do what he needs to do.

October 30, 2016

As you really care for him, then tell him that, but then tell him to get himself into a proper program as nothing will happen between the two of you until he gets himself clean.
Loving and caring for alcoholics often just enables them. Tough love needed. If he is willing to try to get himself dry and clean, and work with you, then maybe get yourself along to Al-Anon. to find out how you can support him and protect yourself at the same time.

This this this so many times this!!! Especially the Al-Anon thing. If for no other reason than to figure out why YOU have been willing to put up with this for as long as you have!

October 30, 2016

As you really care for him, then tell him that, but then tell him to get himself into a proper program as nothing will happen between the two of you until he gets himself clean.
Loving and caring for alcoholics often just enables them. Tough love needed. If he is willing to try to get himself dry and clean, and work with you, then maybe get yourself along to Al-Anon. to find out how you can support him and protect yourself at the same time.

Agreed ^^...

Regardless if you wanna get back with him or not, he's a fellow human being who is in crisis. I don't believe in everyone blanketed as being "mentally ill". He's dabbling heavily into drugs and alcohol for some reason and professionals need to help him work through it - let them decide if he's mentally ill.

Also, after a while of abusing alcohol/drugs, I'm sure a few screws are probably loose in his brain.

He seriously needs in-patient treatment, cuz from what you described he's so far gone and needs intense treatment. If he shows up at your doorstep or you speak to him and he's starting to go all manic, call 911 and have them take him in for 72 hrs - they will do that if he presents a harm to himself or others. Hopefully, in the 72 hr observation they'll see if he needs more treatment and make him do it, or hopefully it'll be an eyeopener for him.

October 30, 2016

He's a bona fide alcoholic, and it will only get worse. You should not even consider making a life with him or having kids with him unless he joins AA and has been sober a few years! Do not bring kids into this! His particular alcoholism makes him dangerous and he will always say he doesn't remember or he's sorry, but it can only deteriorate and get worse as he gets older. So please do not stay with him unless he gets himself sober.

October 30, 2016

Thank you again for all your help! Seriously, I'm so thankful. <3 You have really made me understand the big picture.

Intuitively, I've known that he needs help and him saying that "he will change" means nothing until he gets the help that he needs. But now, I really understand that he has a big problem with alcohol and I need to confront him and put our "relationship" on hold instead of waiting for him to magically change. And in a way, that's pretty much what I did today. And then maybe, if he manages to get clean and stay clean for a longer period of time, I may re-think our relationship from my side. It hurts so much but I guess that's the only way to go.

October 30, 2016

My father was an alcoholic. He spent most of it in denial and refused the idea of getting help. Then it was not until it was so severe that he could not financially care for himself that he would pretend to be interested in treatment as a way to get people to give him money and such. Which he would then go spend on booze anyway. He eventually developed dementia and then he eventually died due to malnutrition and alcohol poisoning.

All of this carried on for decades and in all that time it did not matter what anyone said to him or tried to do for him. He was not willing to take recovery seriously. Even twice when others paid for him to stay in rehab facilities he left and went back to drinking. It was always his own choice and he chose his fate.

There was also no end to his lies and false promises with many people. He would say anything in order to line people up to give him what he wanted. Then he would steal from them and so on. Then he would talk badly about them and slander them to others if they cut him off.

What you describe with the messages, yes that happened a lot as well. Basically they are just trying different approaches until something "works" and gets the response they want. That is all it is.

October 30, 2016

He's unstable. He has two sides to his personality. They have been there all along (from what you say). He's not going to change. It doesn't matter why he has two sides to his personality; that is him, the way he is. You can't reason with someone who is barely aware that they are so changeable.

What do you want to achieve here? You are unlikely to be able to fix this - can you live with it? If not, you may need to reconsider this relationship.

One thing though, the less nice side is likely to come to the fore more if you do finish it. I think you are aware of that.

October 31, 2016

Thank you again for all your help! Seriously, I'm so thankful. <3 You have really made me understand the big picture.

Intuitively, I've known that he needs help and him saying that "he will change" means nothing until he gets the help that he needs. But now, I really understand that he has a big problem with alcohol and I need to confront him and put our "relationship" on hold instead of waiting for him to magically change. And in a way, that's pretty much what I did today. And then maybe, if he manages to get clean and stay clean for a longer period of time, I may re-think our relationship from my side. It hurts so much but I guess that's the only way to go.

In case you are unaware, addicts in recovery are advised to steer clear of romantic relationships until they have one year sober, minimum. It takes about that long for brain chemistry to mostly normalize and for the recovering addict to start to get to know themselves.

So, unless you're prepared to wait a year or more on the off chance he will sober up, stay sober, and you will like his sober personality (not to be confused with his personality when he is sober temporarily....these are two different things), then just end it and move on.

October 31, 2016

Thanks so much for your responses, it really helps me to hear what you think because I think I'm too "in it" to see things clearly.

And elaine567, no unfortunately he hasn't gotten any help for his addictions, even though I've told him a hundred times that I think he has an alcohol problem and needs professional help.

The story took a new turn an hour ago when he showed up at my door and asked if he could explain himself. I let him in and he basically told me that he's extremely sorry for his behaviour and can't understand how he could treat me that way. He said that I'm the most important person in his life and he doesn't want to lose me. And that if I only gave him one more chance, he would show me that he can be a good man. Sounds very familiar.

Only this time he said he thinks "he might be an alcoholic" and that he should probably get some help. He's touched the subject before, but not like this. However, I'm not sure if he really meant it or if it's just a temporary feeling. In any case, I could clearly see that he regrets what happened.

The problem is that he's done it before and I don't think I can take another hit, otherwise I'll be shattered. Anyway, I listened to what he had to say and then told him that for now, I can't take this anymore and sent him away. Now he sent me a message saying that I was the love of his life and he regrets what he's done so deeply.

This stuff is so frikkin hard because I really care about him and if it wasn't for his addictions, I think I could be really happy with him. But as you said Poe77, I'm afraid this is only the start.

Hes trying to back pedal he knows he screwed up big time and now its band aid time so of course they are going to pull out the big guns the things they have never said before the things they think you want to hear. but OP talk is cheap actions speak louder dont fall for his empty revelations until there is some action behind them..I really think you made the right call sending him away for now.

And yes it only escalates I have a good inch long and deep scar on my forehead were mine cracked me over the skull one night when he was on a drunken rage filled rant its a constant reminder of my mistake in not leaving sooner dont make that same mistake you can still spare yourself that..mine started off just like yours verbally abusive and wacky..

October 31, 2016

Sounds like he has addictions which would explain the Jekyl and Hyde behaviour. Addicts have irratic characters. If he was taking amphetamines, which are on the cheaper end of the spectrum, I suspect he has other addictions like cocaine which are considerably more costly. Sometimes alcoholics take amphetamines so they can keep drinking.

At any rate? if he has an addiction problem there isn't much you can do but wait out his recovery. This in between will be more of the same.

October 31, 2016

He's probably an addict now, and addicts hide things and act erratic. It's best to cut loose of them. You deserve better.

December 10, 2016

Hi all,

I just wanted to give a quick update on the situation (=I want to get these things of my chest and also warn others). As I wrote earlier, I told this guy a while ago that I won't be able to stand the situation. For a while, we didn't have any contact but then we started seeing each other again sporadically. Nothing romantic and I guess I just wanted to help him as a friend, but yes, I know, I should have ended it once and for all. So I guess I'm weak or whatever.

In any case, last night out he showed up behind my door out of the blue, drunk and aggressive. When I opened the door, I could clearly see that he was totally under the influence and probably on drugs, too. He wanted to see me but I told him to leave and had to raise my voice but he just wouldn't leave or let me close the door. Even me threatening to call the police didn't help. He then tried to get in my apartment and I literally had to push him from the door to get the door closed. After this incident, he stayed outside my apartment for at least an hour before he left. Now I haven't heard anything from him all day.

All this really shook me to the core and scared me. Even now, I'm shaking when typing this. I'm done with him and as far as I'm concerned, he can go f*ck himself. Anyhow, I'm writing this to say, a) you all were absolutely right and I should have ended ALL CONTACT with him and not just our "relationship" and b) people, do yourself a favour and stay away from addicts. Take my word for it. This is no way to live once's life.

December 10, 2016

So if he wants to change, why has he not changed already? Is he waiting for the woman of his dreams to come along? Well, here you are and he has not changed. He is not likely to change and you are in for a whole lot of trouble if you stay with him. Sorry, it's hard finding out after you've become keen on someone.

Sign In

What on earth is wrong with him? Am I dealing with a lunatic?

Recommended Posts

Charlotte08

basil67

elaine567

Poe77

Charlotte08

elaine567

mikeylo

Arieswoman

BaileyB

ChickiePops

Gloria25

preraph

Charlotte08

Herbalist

spiderowl

MJJean

Poe77

Sunkissedpatio

Popsicle

Charlotte08

spiderowl

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...