alittlelosttx Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 This is my fault... I have gotten myself into a bad spot. Through my own insecurities I have found out some important information about my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years, he is extremely loving, kind, and takes good care of me. He is 34 and I am 32. We have made plans for our future that have already been set into motion. My boyfriend likes his alone time and from time to time will go incognito for a couple of days. I know this about him and have no reason to distrust him. He tells me he is glad I understand his need for space. Sometimes I need a little space as well. I have major insecurities though when he does this even though I understand it. This leads to my current dilemma, through my snooping, which was dumb to do, I found that he has a child he fathered that he never told me about. From what I understand this child came along when he was 19 and he paid child support, then after a few years, his ex's new husband adopted the child. My boyfriend has no communication that I know of with his son. What should I do? I love my boyfriend very much, I can only guess as to why he didn't tell me. I'm sure it is a very painful subject. Should I ignore the information, should I confront him? I feel stupid for snooping, curiosity killed the cat right....
That Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Personally I would just ask him and get it out of the way and out of your mind. It is probably going to be a painful subject, so I would give him time to answer.
Gaeta Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 I say take it to your grave. You wanted to snoop now live with the consequences. He will tell you when he is ready to tell you. When and only he will feel he can tell you without being judged. This past has 0 incidence on your current life with him. For all purpose he is not a father anymore. He gave up his rights and he will never have a relationship with his son until his son is old enough to reach to his bio father. I was once in your shoes (except the snooping) my then boyfriend told me after a few years he had a child years ago and the mom had remarried and new husband adopted his son. I was his only GF he told because he knew I would not ask a thousand questions and I would not judge him.
Quiet Storm Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 (edited) I say tell him you know. I don't think couples should keep secrets from each other. You sensed something, which is why you snooped. You both did wrong- he kept a secret, you invaded his privacy. Lay it all on the table. Tell him you understand why he kept this from you, but that omissions like this are unacceptable. Admit what you did was also unacceptable. Nobody's perfect, but a couple should be honest and real with each other. True intimacy is obtained by sharing the good, the bad and the ugly. Tell him that you don't want the sanitized him. You want the real him, flaws and all. And you will be the real you, flaws and all (you snoop!). True intimacy is built by being vulnerable and real. . Edited October 30, 2016 by Quiet Storm 1
Herbalist Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Well try to imagine it. You have a child that is technically yours even though you were not at all ready and don't even know what it means to be a parent. Everything is confusing and you can barely navigate your way through it one day at a time. But you go through the motions and you try to cope with all the thoughts and feelings. Then someone else claims your child. You were never a good enough parent anyway. You were never a real parent, and now it's not your child anymore. All the thoughts and feelings all the days you navigated, all of that can just go in the trash like it never existed or happened in the first place because it's over. That's how you need to act anyway. The child needs a real parent. The child doesn't even know you. What meaning are you trying to find in a sperm. Was there any less meaning in the load you shot last night. Whatever other meaning there might have been isn't yours. Maybe it could have been, but it belongs to someone else now. So what are you supposed to say? "This is my child." No it's not, it's not your child, is it. "This was my child?" Sure if you happen to be in the mood for some depression and an existential crisis. Or maybe you just see things in a way that most others can't because they've never looked through that lens before in their life. And when you look through that lens, it really is true that you don't have a child. So there is nothing to say. 1
aileD Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 If he wanted you to know, he would have told you. With the circumstances, he's probably dealing with some stuff emotionally and inside himself. It's so personal. Let him be in charge of how he handles this. Just forgot you saw it. 2
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