Are we just friends or are we pre-dating dating?

[kissed]

I've known this guy for a while now. I see him all the time as we share a social circle. He's new in town but is related to my cousins bf so he hangs out with us.

 

This is how the whole thing has played out over the last couple of months. First off we were both going to the same area of town so he asked if we could travel together, we had dinner together first and then I went to my Greek language class and he went on a date But that dinner kind of opened it up as we talked about serious stuff and I realised he wasn't as much of a douche as I had thought he was. Before that he had been a total douche talking about tinder all the time. Anyways we both do this sport at the same club every Monday. The first Monday after he started (I'd been doing it for a while) he came up to me afterwards and asked if I wanted to grab some dinner. I said 'sure' as I was genuinely hungry and did not take this as anything other than a functional 'get some food' thing. During dinner he flirted with the waitress and I just thought, turns out he IS a total douche bag! In a weird way I needed that dinner to figure it was not going to happen as he was clearly not into me like that and he was a cool guy to be a friend but nothing more. Then as we were paying he said 'I don't know if it would be a good idea to do this every Monday? Or would it undo our hard workout?' I said 'Sure it would be a good idea to do it every week.' And then totaly left the topic and barely spoke to him all week. So next Monday he was waiting for me outside the court to finish and we went to dinner again. During this dinner he started talking about tinder again and I told him that I had no need to know about how he got laid and hearing about it made me uncomfortable He shut up pretty quickly and I don't hear of that any more. Anyway now every Monday he waits for me outside my court to do dinner. But last Monday I had to go catch a movie with my cousin and pulled him aside during the rest break to say I was going to have to take a rain check. He looked so disappointed so I said, I'm free Wednesday if you want. There's this tapas restaurant I want to try. He goes 'ugh maybe, I do have a friends birthday but I'm not sure I want to go.' Wednesday afternoon he texts me 'still haven't decided on friends birthday dinner but are you still good for dinner if I don't go?' I just text back saying 'sure I'm not doing anything, just let me know when you decide' He then texts early in the evening 'I'm not going to my friend. I'm too tired to party tonight. I'm good for dinner if you still want?' I was conducting research interviews in a venue which is like 30 minutes away from his work and he came over to me so we could go to this tapas place.

 

This dinner felt a bit different to all the other times. The restaurant was my choice, I didn't realise it at the time but it is totaly a date restaurant. As we sit down he says 'this is almost like a ... ' I just know he was going to say 'date' but the waiter walked over Anyway over dinner this was the kind of conversation we had. He goes 'what's your career plan? do you want to be a consultant?' (we both work in the same industry) Then he goes 'that's my plan, I'm going to get there in 10 years.' I said 'to be honest no. I want to have a successful career but I'm really not ambitiious enough to get to that level.' So he goes 'So basically in 5 years you're going to be married to some one on the path to be a consultant instead.' I just smiled and said 'yeah'. And then we talked about personal family stuff, I guess we both really opened up. After dinner he said lets go to the bar over there. It was super quiet and we just talked sitting next to each other on a couch. The whole dinner and bar thing lasted 6 hours which at the time I didn't think anything of, but now I wonder if it was a weirdly long time Next day he kept texting me that a couple of guys from our group of friends were going bowling and do I want to come. I was busy so he kept texting me updates, saying stuff like 'we're still here if you want to try and make it'.

 

Couple of days later all of the group and I are hanging out and my cousin pulls me aside and asks 'is there something going on with you guys?' I said 'nope not at all'. And she went 'it looks like there's a vibe there, seriously I'm not buying it. What's going on?' Now as far as I am concerned there is genuinely nothing going on, even though I am attracted to him. Just because up until I told him to stop he kept telling me about how he was getting laid all the time. But my cousin did get me confused. What is this we're doing? Until that dinner I figured all the times we had dinner (or sometimes one on one drinks after work) were convenience, because we are at the same place on Mondays and it's better to eat with someone rather than alone. Or one of the offices I work from is close to his place of work so it makes sense if I'm working from there he swings by we can go for a coffee or something to miss the traffic before driving home. He is new in town and only knows our group and I'm the only unattached one so it could just be that I'm the easiest to hang out with if he's lonely. Any thoughts on if this is a just a friend situation? Or is this something else and I just haven't realised what this is.

Edited October 29, 2016 by kissed

[Versacehottie]

i like this story. I think you are pre-dating dating. Sounds familiar to a few of my friends' stories & yes other people will pick up on it before you guys and ask if something is going on. Good that you said the things you have said to him (like not to talk to you about his tinder dates etc)--you are basically making him rise to the standards of someone you would let into your life and THIS is how you make a guy interested. I hope the rest of it goes well. I'm optimistic for you! Good luck

[kissed]

I guess I'm really struggling with what is the difference between two people of the opposite sex just hanging out and gradually becoming friends and two people of the opposite sex hanging out to try and figure out if the other one likes them and if they should date. This is all pretty confusing to me. And I guess why I have such a horrible track record of getting guys.

[Versacehottie]

I guess I'm really struggling with what is the difference between two people of the opposite sex just hanging out and gradually becoming friends and two people of the opposite sex hanging out to try and figure out if the other one likes them and if they should date. This is all pretty confusing to me. And I guess why I have such a horrible track record of getting guys.

 

First of all, you have to switch that attitude. You can't have that attitude or it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just at least get it to "neutral" and tell yourself anything can happen. If you look at couples out in the world (which you should do to gather some evidence), you will see that all kinds of girls get boyfriends. Sometimes the biggest difference between girls who say things like you did above & girls who repeatedly get boyfriends is not who is prettiest or most accomplished or most popular but just the belief systems one has. I've seen some actually almost undesirable girls but they actually believe that they are boyfriend-worthy and nothing's stopping them get actually pretty decent boyfriends. It's amazing if you actually observe. So start there and observe.

 

I do believe two people of opposite sex can be friends. I think though a lot of the time it's usually after the question of "would I want to be with him/her" has been asked and answered in their heads and resolved by one party or the other, such as a guy friend from high school--it's probably crossed both of your minds at one point a long time ago but once you've passed through it, you can genuinely be friends. Or if a guy through family friends or work, etc has been in a relationship, you can develop a regular friendship with him.

 

The REALITY is most opposite sex "friendships" have a touch of sexual tension (expressed or unexpressed) especially for guys, I think. In other words, if a guy is putting any decent amount of effort into hanging out with you as a friend, chances are, you have a chance as a couple. The timing might not be right or it may take a while to get to the point where it is acted upon but I believe generally those feelings and potential exist if a guy hovering around. Girls, we are weird and us hovering around could mean 100 different things! Such as, NO we really just want to be friends and didn't want to turn you down or reject you when you weren't really asking to date. And a ton of other reasons (liking the attention that you know your guy friend is giving you because he actually likes you likes you). Soooooo specifically in your situation, I'm fairly sure this guy likes you, as in potential for a relationship. One of the most telling things is that you said you didn't want to hear about his dating stuff and he stopped. That's exactly how my "friendships" that turned into dating were and with guys that were truly just my friends a huge subject we would talk about is their dating and I would advise them and vice versa--because talking about it is not a threat or insulting to what you have or what could be with the two of you. The fact that this subject is off-limits with the two of you indicates that there is romantic interest there. Also he complied. He doesn't sound like a guy who would comply just cause you said so if you were just friends--like maybe he would say why can't I talk about it or stop for a day and then restart. So yeah, pretty sure he likes you. good luck

[lakerman34]

First of all, you have to switch that attitude. You can't have that attitude or it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just at least get it to "neutral" and tell yourself anything can happen. If you look at couples out in the world (which you should do to gather some evidence), you will see that all kinds of girls get boyfriends. Sometimes the biggest difference between girls who say things like you did above & girls who repeatedly get boyfriends is not who is prettiest or most accomplished or most popular but just the belief systems one has. I've seen some actually almost undesirable girls but they actually believe that they are boyfriend-worthy and nothing's stopping them get actually pretty decent boyfriends. It's amazing if you actually observe. So start there and observe.

 

I do believe two people of opposite sex can be friends. I think though a lot of the time it's usually after the question of "would I want to be with him/her" has been asked and answered in their heads and resolved by one party or the other, such as a guy friend from high school--it's probably crossed both of your minds at one point a long time ago but once you've passed through it, you can genuinely be friends. Or if a guy through family friends or work, etc has been in a relationship, you can develop a regular friendship with him.

 

<B>The REALITY is most opposite sex "friendships" have a touch of sexual tension (expressed or unexpressed) especially for guys, I think.</B> In other words, if a guy is putting any decent amount of effort into hanging out with you as a friend, chances are, you have a chance as a couple. The timing might not be right or it may take a while to get to the point where it is acted upon but I believe generally those feelings and potential exist if a guy hovering around. Girls, we are weird and us hovering around could mean 100 different things! Such as, NO we really just want to be friends and didn't want to turn you down or reject you when you weren't really asking to date. And a ton of other reasons (liking the attention that you know your guy friend is giving you because he actually likes you likes you). Soooooo specifically in your situation, I'm fairly sure this guy likes you, as in potential for a relationship. One of the most telling things is that you said you didn't want to hear about his dating stuff and he stopped. That's exactly how my "friendships" that turned into dating were and with guys that were truly just my friends a huge subject we would talk about is their dating and I would advise them and vice versa--because talking about it is not a threat or insulting to what you have or what could be with the two of you. The fact that this subject is off-limits with the two of you indicates that there is romantic interest there. Also he complied. He doesn't sound like a guy who would comply just cause you said so if you were just friends--like maybe he would say why can't I talk about it or stop for a day and then restart. So yeah, pretty sure he likes you. good luck

 

This.

 

Honestly, I've never had a pretty lady "friend" that I didn't end up in the sack with. I think, eventually, neurochemicals get crossed, one drink too much, and you're sleeping with your best friend (has happened to me).

 

With THAT being said, and I don't mean to deter you from your situation, I have had lady friends that would insist I liked them more than like just a friend. I just am very friendly, get along with everyone.

 

With your current situation, if you're into him, I wouldn't force anything, but I'd lean a LITTLE too close after your next dinner, or brush the "lint" off his shoulder. The difference between "just friends" and potential partners is sexual tension. There are quite a few girls that I LOVE getting drinks/dinner with, would hang out with them for HOURS because they are awesome, but I'm not into them sexually AT ALL. Then, there are the girls that I have to be VERY careful around because I'm SO sexually attracted to them, I don't want to come off as a creep though.

 

I don't know. Do what feels natural. You can "sense" sexual tension. Sometimes, it's so thick you can cut it with a knife. Be honest with yourself. Is there really any sexual tension between you and this guy? If there is, and he doesn't make a move soon, what's wrong with saying "so....when are you going to invite me back to your place?"