when does all the feelings FINALLY go away?

[Em2410]

Hi all.

 

I did a thread here a few months ago, when I was in a bad place after my break-up. All your kind, wise words helped me a lot and I feel like I've come leaps and bounds compared to where I initially was, so thank-you for that.

 

I guess what I am currently struggling with is this seemingly constant, nudging feeling regarding my ex. I still can't remove him completely from my thoughts.

 

With hindsight, I have realized our relationship, in its final stages, was toxic. I feel I've (almost) accepted this. I certainly would never make the same mistake twice and be with someone like him again.

 

Despite these feelings, I still wonder how he's doing, if he's seeing someone else, does he think about me still, etc. I feel as though these feelings will never go away, and it's bothering me because at this point I'm fed up with myself for still dwelling on it.

 

Anyone had any experience of this an, if so, when these feelings seem to disappear? In my mind it feels like they will only go away if I manage to fall in love with someone else. Although that would be nice, I don't want to only be happy when I'm with someone. Any advice?

 

x

[HumanMachine]

A year. It's incredibly tough but you must battle through it.. I can assure you that'll you feel better if you stick to nc and focus on yourself.

[lolablue17]

I had a girl who dumped me and I was devastated. It took me 4-5 years until I lost ALL feelings for her, so I could meet for coffee, listening to her stories about her current lover\bf, and it didn't care. few times she wanted to have sex, and I just wasn't interested, not because i was afraid of being hurt, but because i really didn't feel any desire. We were\are just friends and nothing more. She looked the same but I wasn't attracted to her at all.

 

It can take months, it can take years and it's partly up to you, depends on how do you plan to take care of yourself in that situation.

[Chief1970]

I had a girl who dumped me and I was devastated. It took me 4-5 years until I lost ALL feelings for her, so I could meet for coffee, listening to her stories about her current lover\bf, and it didn't care. few times she wanted to have sex, and I just wasn't interested, not because i was afraid of being hurt, but because i really didn't feel any desire. We were\are just friends and nothing more. She looked the same but I wasn't attracted to her at all.

 

It can take months, it can take years and it's partly up to you, depends on how do you plan to take care of yourself in that situation.

 

So did she have a case of the gigs?

[Deadmeat]

Depends on eacheck person. I don't think there's a rule of thumb as far as time goes. There are certainly lots of factors.

 

I remember seeing my old high school gf who dumped me and left me heart broken for some time. I saw her again 8 years later and there were still some lingering feelings. She was engaged at the time, but I still recall the emotional association I had felt so deeply a long time ago.

 

I do not believe we ever really get over our loves. We just simply learn to live with them like physical scars. A reminder of what once was during a previous time of our lives.

[Em2410]

Thank-you guys. I've woken up crying this morning :/ I haven't cried for months.

 

I'm convinced he's now with this other girl (yes I have stalked social media today, sorry). She's completely opposite to me, more 'edgy' type than myself, and now I feel like crap. I know I shouldn't social media stalk but I'm so nosy about who he might be with now, because when we broke up he gave me no logical reason why and all signs point to that he was cheating on me or interested in someone else.

 

I know its something I'm just going to have to accept. I just feel like it's not fair. I know the world doesn't owe me anything, but I was there for him more than anybody else in his life for over a year, then out of nowhere I wasn't enough anymore.

 

I feel like I'm where I was 4 months ago. I wish I could shake his existence off completely. I'm not strong enough.

[Kelley]

What has set this off again is the fact you know what is going on his life. You think he is seeing someone else and trust me that can torture you. I was dragged down that road for a little bit when I found out my ex was with the woman he cheated on me with, he told me. I wish he hadn't and just left it at the relationship was not working for him. I was comparing myself to her even though I had never met her, and I didn't even know what she looked like! You can't compare yourself, remember initially he chose you for you. It didn't work out and as hard as it is to accept you need to. He has moved on and you owe it to yourself to do the same. We all heal at different rates, what works for one doesn't for another. You need to close the door and just concentrate on you, or this hurt is going to drag on for a lot longer than it needs to!

[Steven1]

I think it's different with all people to be honest and it can depend on a lot of things. It depends how you are as a person, how long you were with them for etc, many things.

 

I've been with my current girlfriend for about 5 months now, I was with my ex girlfriend for the better part of 7 years. She has also moved on with someone else, but she had done that while we were still together for the last few month (met him and she started talking to him then etc). We spoke (me and the ex) for a little while after we broke up, but then she blocked me on social media etc which I was fine with as I wasn't talking to her on it anyway. It took me a while to get over everything and to assess everything that had happened before I felt I could move on with someone else. I still wonder how she is doing at times and hope that she is making the most of her opportunities she has etc.., I've always told myself that I could never forgive her for what she did and how she did it..., but hating her would only make me think about everything all over again, so I hold no grudges against her for what happened.

 

I think at times probably all of us have thought about an ex and what they are doing, how they are doing etc, they were people that we cared about and although circumstances changed things for all of us, we don't just forget. There's no set time on how long it can take for the feelings etc to go away, it's a natural process and it's different for each person.

[Em2410]

Well I'm pretty sure he is with someone else now. I haven't looked at either of his or this new girls social media for a couple weeks but I did yesterday and saw pictures of them, with flirty comments. I've had this gut feeling for a long time so I'm not going to delude myself that it isn't what it clearly is...

 

I'm not going to check again, whats the point now, I know the truth. Still doesn't make it any easier though. I'm so angry with him - ditching me because he didn't want a girlfriend but now moving on to the next girl. I feel like it's really unfair too - he treated me so poorly and I stuck by him regardless, yet now he's found someone else who likes him/he can have fun with and I'm left here still crying and dwelling on the pain??? It doesn't help that I have mountains of work I have to do all the time, I have no social life anymore really, and well I don't know what I've got going for me anymore.

 

I understand life could be so much worse in the grand scheme of it all, but it doesn't bring me that much comfort really.

 

Wish I could just wake up and it not affect me anymore. I'm fed up. I don't deserve these feelings and the bad karma shouldn't be on my end.

 

I guess it'll never really go away and I just have to suck it up.

[MrPlop]

Personally I also think that perhaps because we loved them so deeply, we invested so much time & energy on them that when they're gone it's really hard to refocus all that energy onto other things.

I'm also working towards the day I can finally look back and all that's left is happy memories and nothing else, it gets better every day.

[PrincessWarrior1]

I guess it'll never really go away and I just have to suck it up.

 

I had a boyfriend for 3 years that treated me very badly. Always gaslighting me, using me, hurting me, etc. And I just got to the point where enough was enough and I went NC.

 

After a couple of weeks the pain subsided tremendously. It's suggested that you treat yourself with gifts for lengths of NC. It really does help. I had my nails done and bought myself a ring for 30 days NC.

 

I also look forward to the day when I don't think about him every night and every morning. He'll try to call and then the very next day he'll be nasty and then I can feel the gaslighting effects. I'm so glad the few times he tried to see me there were obstacles in the way because that would have set me back.

 

I try to remember the pain, especially while I was at work. It also drains all of my energy and gets me very depressed so.. I have to keep moving forward and I have to keep NC in place.

 

I have done a lot of reading and the only way out is to walk away for good and keep NC in place. You do move on eventually, I promise. Like others have said it's different times for different people. I like to give myself at least 6 months to one full year.

[SamIam5]

I've found that there are two main factors when it comes to how long it'll take to move on and lose feelings for a person.

 

1) Circumstances - primarily, who broke up with who? And, how close were you?

 

2) Time - how long were you two together?

 

Regarding the first, usually the dumper get's over the dumpee quicker than does the dumpee the dumper. Why wouldn't they? They delivered the final blow and walked away somewhat unscathed. The closer you were, the longer it takes to lose feelings for someone.

 

In terms of the second, obviously the longer you were together, the longer it'll take to get over that person. More memories to replace = more time needed to replace them.

 

This may sound immature, but here is what I do to speed up the healing process:

 

1) Get it through my head that the chances of us reconciling and getting back together are almost nil. It isn't going to happen. End of story.

Then, block them from and avoid stalking them on all social media.

 

 

2) Ask myself what went wrong.

2A) If it was something I did: I keep that in mind, and remind myself not to do it in my next relationship.

2B) If it was something she did, great! I remind myself that she had the option to treat me better, and chose not to. But I know someone else will.

 

3) Make a mental list of all of the ways they hurt or neglected you. It'll hurt at first, but it may also speed up the healing process.

 

4) Given that list, I ask myself, "Could I have lived with that for the rest of my life?" Almost always, my answer is "No."

 

5) Smile, and do something to get your mind off the person. Spend time with friends, read, pick up a hobby, etc.

[Em2410]

Thanks everyone, that was all really great advice. I've seen more posts of them recently and it sucks but I am sick of feeling sorry for myself. I realize now no part of him is remotely attached to me anymore, I mean 3 months post break up and he's found something else... he couldn't of truly loved me in the first place!

 

Regarding things he's done to hurt me, well, I try not to dwell on those ideas because I get really angry and I don't like that animosity building up inside of me

 

I'm just hoping everything great in his life isn't as good as what it seems (probably is, though ).

 

Maybe it's worth just deleting all my social media for a while...? Even though it's a way a lot of my friends get in touch with me, maybe it'll be refreshing going cold turkey and just living without the temptation for a while...?

[bluepanox]

Deactivate all your social media.

For the temptation was huge. I was going NC and then our anniversary came up and I sent a text. She replied with an indifferent tone and I ended up really hurt. I have now deactivate my Facebook account and blocked my computer from accessing it. I feel much better now.

[CommittedToThis]

when these feelings seem to disappear?

 

Thursday, March 23, 2017.

 

Meanwhile, definitely get off social media; I was a heavy user and I deactivated this past summer and now I love not being on there (FB).

[PrincessWarrior1]

Thanks everyone, that was all really great advice. I've seen more posts of them recently and it sucks but I am sick of feeling sorry for myself. I realize now no part of him is remotely attached to me anymore, I mean 3 months post break up and he's found something else... he couldn't of truly loved me in the first place!

 

Rebound relationships never really work out, and he probably doesn't love himself or the new girl it just seems that way.I did a crap ton of reading on narcissim etc. anything you could think of to make me not like my boyfriend anymore. Deactivating from social media is freedom for you! You'll start doing other things and creating happy memories for yourself so he can fade into the darkness where he came from. It's about healing and recovery for you. For you to start a whole new life actually. They almost always come back. I'd be surprised if he didn't. But you want to make sure you are completely over him and living your life because the reasons they come back aren't so nice sometimes. I can't tell you the wealth of knowledge that I have from studying during my healing and recovery time.

 

My boyfriend and I use this loosely because.. I still do not trust him. He comes running to me when he is hurt or broke. And it's like.. um.. when I finally didn't want to see him or for him to comer over. I don't bug out when he leaves. I'm relieved! I'm just too busy living my life and happy without him and busy. I could care less. It's like when you give so much love to someone. Faithfullness, generosity, kindness, forgiveness you stick in their mind and it stands out bc I think that's rare. Karma does come full circle though and my anger was heard on high. You just can't exploit and use good innocent people like that. Sooner or later you get nailed. I'm sorry if this was too much or going on about my crazy relationship but this just happened like yesterday.

 

Moral of the story. Please give yourself two weeks a month two whatever it takes. You have to get back to you. Happiness comes from within. There is no loss in love. You do not miss him. You are just alone for now, but that will not be forever. I promise. Listen to music, watch movies, sleep in, take hot baths, read, exercise, and just be happy. Social media is a bunch of lies and drama half the time.

[Been]

It depends on the situation. Someone that cheats on you I think is going to take a long time to get over-your going to have to deal with trust issues and more then likely analyze the situation over and over again. And then you'll more then likely beat yourself up for not seeing the signs earlier.

A relationship that is dead or dying where both parties are pretty much done but fearful of ending doesn't hurt as much as the first example.

Mine took awhile because I work with my ex and she cheated on me with someone we work with so I had a constant reminder.

Which brings me to the third factor. If you block your ex and don't stalk them on social media I think you recover quicker-kinda of like out of sight out of mind.

[kztar]

Thursday, March 23, 2017.

 

Meanwhile, definitely get off social media; I was a heavy user and I deactivated this past summer and now I love not being on there (FB).

 

Stay away from social media. The best of the best things i've practiced. Best way to move on with your life and not have any temptation to check on anyone.