summerli Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 (edited) So after been single for quite a while i finally met this guy, he is really great very sweet we click and everything is great etc. The only thing is i feel like we are fooling ourselves of a future because i don't think it will go anywhere. But we really like each other. Now, i am not saying i will marry this guy, i am just talking about an actual relationship with him. The thing is our cultures are completely on the opposite sides of the spectrum. He's indian, Im hispanic, we both are more westernized than anything though growing up in the states etc. How this happened i do not know but we're so awesome together and i really like him, and he made it clear he really likes me as well. We've had somewhat of deep conversations and we talked about our parents. apparently his parents do not approve of anyone, nor agree with the whole "idea" of dating due to their views on that. I just feel like family approval is so important, He made it known his parents are vey very strict. So that right there is already difficult. Another problem is that he is younger than me by 3yrs we are both in our late 20s. I feel like everything is kind of against us in a sense. i also feel like im right there to 30 and need to be with someone who i see a future with because i can't waste my time if i want to have a family etc.. but i feel like I'm running out of time Again, i am not looking to marry the guy or anything, i am just finding it hard to call us anything (bf gf) He made it clear he wants to date me and be with me but i am always holding back, because i feel like it would never work and its pointless so idk and the whole feeling sucks because i want to be with him and him with me, we really do like each other a lot. I mean I'm not trying to meet his family or anything but honestly idk what i want right now. I have been single for so long that the whole idea of a relationship scares me a little. But even if we were to take it to the next level wouldn't we both be wasting our time though, specially due to the whole culture thing. Edited October 29, 2016 by summerli
Gaeta Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 Again, i am not looking to marry the guy or anything, i am just finding it hard to call us anything (bf gf) He made it clear he wants to date me and be with me but i am always holding back, because i feel like it would never work and its pointless so idk and the whole feeling sucks because i want to be with him and him with me, we really do like each other a lot. I mean I'm not trying to meet his family or anything but honestly idk what i want right now. I have been single for so long that the whole idea of a relationship scares me a little. But even if we were to take it to the next level wouldn't we both be wasting our time though, specially due to the whole culture thing. How long have you been dating? You and him need to understand something. Immigrants of first generation (his parents) will always resist their children dating outside their culture and religion but reality is they can't forbid it and their control over their children is futile. The second generation immigrants (your boyfriend) rarely grow up as traditional as their parents, and the 3rd generation (your bf children) will have completely disconnected with tradition. If your pseudo boyfriend dates outside his culture his parents will eventually get over it especially when grand-children start arriving. As for you , you'll have to accept you married into an Indian traditional family and you'll have to put up with their and huffing and puffing. So it's all about how you 2 can put up with. All that being said you need to ask this man you are dating if he is ready to go against his parents for the right girl. If he says no, he would never challenge his parents than let him go, you would indeed be wasting both your times. 3
Author summerli Posted October 29, 2016 Author Posted October 29, 2016 How long have you been dating? So it's all about how you 2 can put up with. All that being said you need to ask this man you are dating if he is ready to go against his parents for the right girl. If he says no, he would never challenge his parents than let him go, you would indeed be wasting both your times. That's the thing he brought a girl home once and they absolutely hated her and wanted her out, as for him, i asked him if his parents are so strict and disapprove of anyone he dates why doesn't he just date someone his parents approve of, and his response to that was because he doesn't like indian girls and two he is hoping that his parents change (which that won't ever happen which is just as you mentioned earlier they are pretty much set in their ways) Seems like he won't have a problem going against them but i feel like that won't make things any better. I just feel like this is all way too complicated before it even started and you're also right on what you said about dealing with their huffing and puffing, I'm hispanic i have no filter and i know myself i will straight up defend myself and thats not a pretty mix with a traditional family were you are expected to stay quiet and take it. I am very polite and respectful when i have to be don't get me wrong. So yeah idk what this is or where it will lead to, i just don't want to leave this, i enjoy his company so much and he enjoys mines we really seem great together, but we are so different.
Gaeta Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 So yeah idk what this is or where it will lead to, i just don't want to leave this, i enjoy his company so much and he enjoys mines we really seem great together, but we are so different. How long have you been seeing each other?
Author summerli Posted October 29, 2016 Author Posted October 29, 2016 How long have you been seeing each other? about 3 months now
smackie9 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 He is a damn fool to think his parents are going to change..... This is all on him, and you need to put it to him straight that if he wishes a future with you, it can't depend on his parents approval. He has to fight for you. Or just dump him and move on if this is just too much. 2
spiderowl Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 If you two love each other, you can overcome other things. The age gap is not significant so no reason for that to be a barrier. Family approval is important. You might need to do a little digging to find out how he would deal with things if his family did not approve. I would wonder if he was just coasting along and not thinking long term therefore not too bothered about whether parents approve. If he does want this to be more, then how would he deal with that? Again, it's not impossible to overcome such issues. There is no perfect guy. Having said the above, I can see where you are coming from. You don't want to get too involved because you feel time is running out and you are not sure how serious this guy is likely to be. Maybe you need to talk with him about the above things and see how he would anticipate things going in the future? 1
Author summerli Posted October 30, 2016 Author Posted October 30, 2016 He is a damn fool to think his parents are going to change..... This is all on him, and you need to put it to him straight that if he wishes a future with you, it can't depend on his parents approval. He has to fight for you. Or just dump him and move on if this is just too much. If you two love each other, you can overcome other things. The age gap is not significant so no reason for that to be a barrier. Having said the above, I can see where you are coming from. You don't want to get too involved because you feel time is running out and you are not sure how serious this guy is likely to be. Maybe you need to talk with him about the above things and see how he would anticipate things going in the future? I just feel like since everything is so fresh it would be too soon to say anything about that since i feel like we are still getting to know each other and calling our relationship anything still intimidates me somewhat. I feel like he has no problem introducing someone he is serious with to his parents, yet i know their opinion matters so its crazy to me to date outside knowing they won't approve and would have to be hiding. At the end of the day i just feel like the whole culture difference won't allow us to move forward since we are completely different. I just know he is a great guy and i like him and he really likes me, but the whole idea of dating is that we all hope it will eventually lead to something so I'm not sure if i should just quit before it starts. His parents are extremely strict according to what he has mentioned to me, idk if i can deal with the clashing if it were to ever lead to that. I guess my thing is why would he even bother dating outside his culture knowing his family disapproves? isn't that a waste of time for him as well?
Gaeta Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 His parents are extremely strict according to what he has mentioned to me, idk if i can deal with the clashing if it were to ever lead to that. I guess my thing is why would he even bother dating outside his culture knowing his family disapproves? isn't that a waste of time for him as well? You need to ask him if he is ready to go against his parent's wish for a woman he'll want a future with. You won't know till you ask him. If his parents do not approve of you then he'll have to cut contact with them for a time, till they calm down. He needs to be ready to do that. You need to be ready to support him through this. Would you? You've been seeing each other for 3 months. It's enough for him to know if he wants to date you seriously, ask him. If he says no then end it with him. If he is ready to date you seriously then ask yourself if you are ready to support him through his quest, and are you ready to be with someone of a different culture. Yes his parents are traditional but as you get to know him you'll see that you have much more differences than you think. Inter-cultural dating is not always easy. 1
gorf Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 The only thing is i feel like we are fooling ourselves of a future because I don't think it will go anywhere. Again, i am not looking to marry the guy or anything, i am just finding it hard to call us anything (bf gf) He made it clear he wants to date me and be with me but i am always holding back, because i feel like it would never work and its pointless I have been single for so long that the whole idea of a relationship scares me a little. You are not ready for a relationship. He thinks it will go somewhere, you do not. You are wasting his time. No wonder you dont even know what to call this.. relationship. You are even struggling with the bf/gf thing. He sounds like more of an emotional crutch to you. Instead of holding back and holding back and fooling yourself and trying to convince yourself of something you know you are not into, how about be straight with him. Tell him what you are feeling. Its better than stringing him along and dragging this out. At least it gives him a chance not to waste his time and date someone else while he stays friends with you, cause it sounds like that is really what you need right now. Just a good friend.
Author summerli Posted November 1, 2016 Author Posted November 1, 2016 I know i mentioned this already but I'm so confused. Ive been talking to this guy we really like each other, in the beginning when he wanted to call us something i backed away because the thought of it scared me, he decided to respect my thoughts on the matter, now i want to call it something because i really like him and we are good together, but the problem is after his trip to visit his family his views are completely different and now he just wants to go with the flow which is fine with me i respect it. However, His culture (parents) are very strict and they want him to be with only someone from his culture, they will not allow anything outside of that. He doesn't like girls from his culture at all so he is conflicted, he is under a lot of pressure from his parents of trying to please parents etc.. and then there's me nothing even close to his culture. I just feel like why date/ get to know someone if you know they will not approve. He was 100% in it, now he is not so much ever since he came back from his trip, so i am left with a friends with benefit feeling and it does not sit well with me so i want to walk away but he tells me if you want something fight for it, but whats the point in fighting for something thats not going to lead anywhere, seems pointless. Now i want this, but Its honestly not fair for me either, i don't want to invest my emotions and time in this because I'm already getting hurt knowing it will lead no where. I really want to be with him and like him a lot but, by the looks of it according to him, he will just get an arranged marriage to make his family happy, he feels really pressured in pleasing his family despite his unhappiness, he really is frustrated with the whole situation, but at the same time i don't want to just be on stand by to be later told never mind, bye see you later. He doesn't agree with his parents at all but at the same time does not want to displease and go against them. On another note, i was previously married, he doesn't know this, conversation has never really been brought up although I've tried so much and he never seems to ask about my past, i know it will probably scare him off (due to his culture and all), but its who i am its part of my past i can't change that. I feel like I'm been judged somehow too like I'm not good enough on the whole culture topic, so if i were to be myself and express my life i feel like a complete looser/judged on my actions or something. Since i feel like for him theres no room for mess ups. i honestly know my course of action is to move on from this as i am wasting my time but i don't want to let him go at the same time. I honestly don't know what to do, I'm so confused with everything and just feel terrible about the whole situation.
mikeylo Posted November 1, 2016 Posted November 1, 2016 Everything aside, you need to tell him that you are divorced. Why hide? The percentage of divorced people is more than 50% now.
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