anna28 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 Hello people, Like most of you, my heart is shredded. The man I've love since I was 14 (now 28) just packed and left after 8.5 years of relationship and 1 year of living together. It has been more than a year since the break-up, didn't receive any explanation, doesn't want to remain friends, still love him more than air. We grew up together. We developed our own language, nobody understood anything when we talked. We had so many thing in common, traveled all the time, loved each other crazy. Few months before break up he started acting strange, distant, but still seemed he loved me very much. Then one evening he started crying, said he couldn' pretend anymore and left. Couldn't give me any explanation, just "we're not right for eachother". After 8.5 years relationship and 14 years of friendship. I was on antidepressants for 1 year. Had counselling. Tried to contact him, seen him 4-5 times , every time he cries and says fpr him this is over. I cant let go of hope. Still can't believe this happened. I've been writing to him on a secret e-mail address I created since he left. Every day. Just to cope. I'm thinking of giving it to him. Please, from the bottom of my heart, any advise from your part! Tried really hard to move on, even date a wonderful man that helped me through all this year, can't feel nothing for no one. I wake up every morning paralyzed, missing him so badly my body hurts. Please, what do you think I should do? Thank you so much! Looking forward to any suggestion. Anna
NIGHT1985 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 You gotta give him his space. Anything else will push him away. It's impossible to know what's really going on his head, but in a lot of situations like this, the person has already found interest elsewhere. That may or may not be the case You really need to focus on you now Eat healthy Exercise Read more books Spend time with friends and family Volunteer/new hobbies But don't lay in bed or hover over his social media, trying to figure out what's going on with him. Take this time to better yourself, not only for the chance of Him coming back, but to look more attractive to future dates 1
marky00 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 (edited) I was in a 9 year LDR and something similar happened to me as well. Although in my case, I knew there was a 3rd party. It really sucks for sure when even though they must have been having doubts for a long time, when you look back, the cracks and red flags really only pop up a few months prior to the actual BU. I do feel similar to you. I think its when they really show you they have no care at all, yet a few months before, they were at least trying to care. Ive done the hardest thing and have been 3 months NC. Its rough as hell. But its the only way. The damage in the old relationship has already been done. So the only option is to stay NC, get stronger and maybe one day, you 2 could try again but it needs to be a new relationship. The only way its a new relationship is if you let go of the old one. Is it hard? God damn it is. Bit its the only way. The only way he will see you in a better light is if you let him go and show you can do it on your own. If one day, he sees you leading a nice life, then and only then will he feel SORRY. Would it be fair to say you were going through some tough times or personal issues for the months leading up to the breakup? This seems to be what ends all the really long LTRs. The dumpee gets in a rut and the dumper bails. Edited October 29, 2016 by marky00 1
tilby Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 You gotta give him his space. Anything else will push him away. It's impossible to know what's really going on his head, but in a lot of situations like this, the person has already found interest elsewhere. That may or may not be the case You really need to focus on you now Eat healthy Exercise Read more books Spend time with friends and family Volunteer/new hobbies But don't lay in bed or hover over his social media, trying to figure out what's going on with him. Take this time to better yourself, not only for the chance of Him coming back, but to look more attractive to future dates I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. Its very hard to move on after such a long relationship but I agree with the above post. You need to take care of yourself and try to rebuild your life. Its ok to still be struggling after a year, especially when you don't have closure. I was in a similar situation and it turned out my ex was cheating on me. I didn't find out until well after we had split. It took a long time to move on. People told me to get over it and I was trying, at the pace I needed, not them. Each day is actually one step further toward your healing. It may not seem like it to you but those closest to you will have noticed the progress. As hard as it is, you need to cut all ties with him. While you're still trying to reach out to him you're unintentionally delaying your healing. Maybe your ex will eventually open up to you, but you also need to accept that you may never know. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and I promise it will get easier with time 1
Author anna28 Posted October 29, 2016 Author Posted October 29, 2016 You people are fantastic… tears drop as I read your replies. @night1985 – I am trying to do all those things you recommended. I get involved in a lot of volunteering actions, only to get my mind off him for 1 minute. But I think about him night and day, I dream about him… that’s why I’m secretly writing to him. The worst part is that even though I realize how cruel he acted towards me, I can’t have the slightest feeling of hate or disgust. I love him so much… he was my only one. Only the thought of being with any other man gives me the chills… @marky00 – I found out later that a coworker of him was trying to have something with him. Don’t know if it happened, now I hear he’s in some kind of relationship with a model from another country. What amazes me so much is that he was so introvert, modest, beautiful soul… and now he seems so superficial. He quit his job, is living a very unhealthy life and says he’s happy. And yes, I had a hard time professionally speaking before the break up…but in the last 6-7 months everything was going wonderful. And then… the sky collapsed on me. I haven’t seen or talked to him for 2 months now. On the 30th of November it’s his name day. Im thinking of giving him the e-mail address I’ve used to talk to him. What do you think? PS: So glad you’re doing ok now. @tilby: I know… nobody understand how Im still brpken and can’t move on. I know I should’n contact him, but I miss him so much my chest hurts. What would you feel if your ex gave you the messages she/he’s been writing to you for an entire year? I want to do that. But I am so afraid…
marky00 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 (edited) Honestly, it would be a big risk to contact him. I really think in these cases, you have leave it to them to contact you. Even then, its a big risk to entertain it but at least in that situation, your less likely to get majorly hurt. Even though its been a year, you haven't used that time to try and heal. Regarding why he left. Well, the story you paint tells me he must have been acting or pretending in those last few months. Similar thing happened with me after we rekindled for a while. However looking back, I was able to discover a 6 month period where I know I was struggling and I'm fairly sure that is when my Ex lost her feelings. In a sense, the damage was done and even me being positive and awesome after that made no difference. It seems once they see a side of you they don't like, some people can never shake that image. Edited October 29, 2016 by marky00
ChickiePops Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 You people are fantastic… tears drop as I read your replies. @night1985 – I am trying to do all those things you recommended. I get involved in a lot of volunteering actions, only to get my mind off him for 1 minute. But I think about him night and day, I dream about him… that’s why I’m secretly writing to him. The worst part is that even though I realize how cruel he acted towards me, I can’t have the slightest feeling of hate or disgust. I love him so much… he was my only one. Only the thought of being with any other man gives me the chills… @marky00 – I found out later that a coworker of him was trying to have something with him. Don’t know if it happened, now I hear he’s in some kind of relationship with a model from another country. What amazes me so much is that he was so introvert, modest, beautiful soul… and now he seems so superficial. He quit his job, is living a very unhealthy life and says he’s happy. And yes, I had a hard time professionally speaking before the break up…but in the last 6-7 months everything was going wonderful. And then… the sky collapsed on me. I haven’t seen or talked to him for 2 months now. On the 30th of November it’s his name day. Im thinking of giving him the e-mail address I’ve used to talk to him. What do you think? PS: So glad you’re doing ok now. @tilby: I know… nobody understand how Im still brpken and can’t move on. I know I should’n contact him, but I miss him so much my chest hurts. What would you feel if your ex gave you the messages she/he’s been writing to you for an entire year? I want to do that. But I am so afraid… What makes you say he was cruel to you? It actually sounds like he feels terrible about hurting you. It's not cruel to break up with someone you don't want to be with. No, don't contact him. He's told you multiple times that he doesn't want to get back together. The only thing that contacting him would do is make it hurt more. If you give him a zillion messages all it's going to do is freak him out and hurt you when he doesn't reciprocate. You're going to be just fine Anna. I know this sounds cliched but the only thing that will help is time. Good luck to you.
Author anna28 Posted October 29, 2016 Author Posted October 29, 2016 Leaving someone who's dedicated so many years of her life, all of her and sacrificed a lot without any motif and any explanation... is cruel. I deserved an explanation.
Kelley Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 If your ex didn't provide any closure, it's likely because he didn't want to hurt you even more, or that person is too confused with why the relationship just wasn't working. A lot of times, breakups have no explanation and are just based on how someone feels at the moment. It's rare to the get the truth even if you ask those questions anyway. You just have to accept it's over and let time and NC do the rest. Don't cling onto the excuse of closure, it's not going to help. What will help is acceptance, and realising his actions are no reflection on you, but him.
tilby Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 Leaving someone who's dedicated so many years of her life, all of her and sacrificed a lot without any motif and any explanation... is cruel. I deserved an explanation. I know its tough, but you need to. I was with my ex for 13 years and have a child together. I would be constantly trying to figure out what happened and thinking of possible scenarios. I know now it was an unhealthy pattern. At the time it was all i could do. It was hard to keep in contact, but I had no choice because of our child. I was always stonewalled by him which was extremely damaging to my self esteem. If I could have cut a contact, I would have. This is why you need to stop contacting him. Well, moving forward I became indifferent. I didn't feel the pain I used to and could look directly at him and feel no connection at all. All it took was time, counselling and eventually acceptance. You will get through this.
malebroken Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 It will get better with time. My ex wife left me 5 years ago after 14years together n 3 children. She started divorce the week she left. I went into self destruct mode for no the, drinking n smoking etc. After begging for months , I then got anger n shouted n called her horrible things for months. I then lost all contact with my kids until I took her to court for contact. My ice was hell, but then a year later she met someone n moved him in. It killed me but over night I stopped caring as there was no going back. I met someone new who was better n had a baby. But now that relationship is over n I'm back feeling as I did. I know time will heal it but it's hard. I feel for you
tilby Posted October 30, 2016 Posted October 30, 2016 It will get better with time. My ex wife left me 5 years ago after 14years together n 3 children. She started divorce the week she left. I went into self destruct mode for no the, drinking n smoking etc. After begging for months , I then got anger n shouted n called her horrible things for months. I then lost all contact with my kids until I took her to court for contact. My ice was hell, but then a year later she met someone n moved him in. It killed me but over night I stopped caring as there was no going back. I met someone new who was better n had a baby. But now that relationship is over n I'm back feeling as I did. I know time will heal it but it's hard. I feel for you I'm sorry to hear that. It must have been absolute agony losing contact with your kids. I'm so glad you are now able to rebuild that relationship.
Author anna28 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 Hi @malebroken, I feel for you. I can only imagine what you're going through. It's good that you could try something with someone else. How did u do it? I can't even imagine that situation. I have panic attacks at the thought that he will never come back. Sometimes i miss him so bad i can't breath. Literally. No one in the whole world doesn't compare to him in my eyes. Any advice?
ackuric Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Hi @malebroken, I feel for you. I can only imagine what you're going through. It's good that you could try something with someone else. How did u do it? I can't even imagine that situation. I have panic attacks at the thought that he will never come back. Sometimes i miss him so bad i can't breath. Literally. No one in the whole world doesn't compare to him in my eyes. Any advice? 5 months post B/U here, in similar shoes...I'll just say this, this world is full of two kinds of people, those that love easy, and those that love hard. Those that love easy go from one person to the next swiftly, those that love hard...well...you know, as you, like myself...love hard! Don't beat yourself up or be down on yourself for being someone that loves hard...its a good quality and hope you find your match someday that will love you just as much as you love them! You may always carry them in your heart, but the space in your heart they occupy will minimize over time until you have a vacancy for someone new.
Recommended Posts