Hot and Cold, hes an a-hole right?

[emotionallydrained]

Hi, new here so just need someone to give me unbiased advice. i'll tell the story as objectively as I possibly can.

 

I have been "dating" this guy, i'll call him B, for the past three and a half years. We are in vet school together and in the same class. I'm originally from NJ and he is from TN. The relationship started off as me as the other woman. I asked him time and time again to make a decision between me and his now ex, but he took a good 8 months before he broke up with her. All the while being with me too. I tried to date other people and let him be that first year but it was very very hard and I am not proud of becoming the other woman having been cheated on before in another relationship. After he broke up with her, he told me he wasn't ready to be with me yet (this was right before summer break). So i went back to nj for the summer and my ex at the time was still trying to be with me and it felt nice after the ordeal i had gone through with B. We had sex a couple times and I didnt really talk to B that whole summer. At the end, i broke off ties with my ex.

 

I came back to school and B was all over me. He asked me if i had been with my ex during the summer and i told the truth that i had been. Needless to say he wasnt happy at all. He still brings it up years later. After that, he never asked me to be his girlfriend. We always had so many problems, communication problems, trust issues obviously, him lying. he still wasnt ready for a relationship so i tried to date other people but he hated it. he used it against me whenever he talked about trying to be with me saying it betrayed his trust that i was dating other guys. But i just didnt know what else to do since he couldnt commit to me. we fought A LOT and we had great fantastic sex. when it was good it was magnificent, when it wasnt though it was god awful..

 

Okay so fast forward, i stopped tryig to date other people and really commit to just him so maybe hed finally commit to me the way i wanted him to. it never worked out. I had a habit of "breaking up" with him all the time whenever we got into fights because he and i just didnt thinka like and fought about thigs i thought were just fundamental to a relationship (talking, being known at school as a couple, going out with friends together, being asked on dates). There were times when it felt so right, but those were mostly whenever we were away from school like during summer time. Wed take trips together just us two. He visited me in nj and met my family and i visited him in TN and met his.

 

But theres no denying our relationship has developed into a toxic toxic relationship. There is no trust, no respect, no sincerity (at least from

him) anymore. but im writing here because the past few months i have really truly tried to be with him. ive tried being okay with him doing what he wants and me not questioning it. i tried being okay with not knowig what hes doing, when hes gonna do stuff, or with who, or even knowing when hed show up at my apartment to hang out (hed never ask hed just show up). him showing up whenever he wanted caused me to want to stay home all the time JUST in case hed come by. consequently i stopped living my life. currently im now in therapy because i figured i needed to work on myself after this relationship has damaged me so much.

 

the things hes done recently is an endless list. he breaks up with me all the time now. hes lied about sleeping over my best friends house (it was a late studying night, we had been fighting, and he had no car at the time so my friend offered her couch). he asked her not to tell me but she did because she didnt think it was right to lie about it. another time, when we were at a party, i got very drunk and i went to a secluded place so no one would see me throwing up. i texted him sayin i needed his help. he asked where i was and i told him (i wasnt hard to find) but he never showed up. i guess i got dizzy and laid on the ground and next thing i know some other underclassman found me and helped me inside. thats when i saw B talking to another girl. I left the party and threw up and drove him (five min away but still very very very bad decision i know). he didnt ask if i was alright or made it home that night. he wasnt sorry for not being there when i asked for his help. he blamed me for getting so drunk to begin with (i normally dont at all). the next day he apologized but it wasnt very sincere.

 

fast forward to now, ive caught him in lies like him saying he cant hang out with me one night cause hed be at home taking care of his dog, but then finding out he went out with his friend. hes been back and forth about wanting to be with me but then breaking up with me three days later. this last time i even made a contract with set terms. he broke one which was ignoring me on the fourth day. then decided it was a lost cause and broke up with me altogether. that was a few days ago. today he had a big presentation to the whole school. even though he broke up with me and things were bad between us, i still wished him the bet and supported him like crazy with a hug and youll do great texts! he didnt seem too appreciative but then again he never does. after his presentation, i asked him privately to lunch to celebrate. he sort of reluctantly said yes. then he made plans with his friends in front of me to go to lunch and he turned to me and invited me along. i didnt say anything but eventually i went inside to grab my wallet. he sent a text while i was inside saying "come" and i responded "are you guys leaving already" he didnt answer. i walked outside and they were gone.

 

ive asked different people about everything and they all say hes an *******. but the problem is eveytime i start to move on, i think he senses it and reels me back in with love songs and attention. my birthday is also this coming wednesday if that matters at all. what are your thoughts?

 

-emotionally drained

Edited October 29, 2016 by emotionallydrained

[JewelD]

Good Lord, if you continue this, expect nothing good. The first mistake you made was dating him while he was already in a relationship. You basically told him that you have very low standards and very little self-respect. It's not surprising at all that he treats you the way he does. If you are willing to date him while he was dating someone else, he knows you'll put up with just about anything. And you have been.

 

It's College, I'm sure he is seeing other girls besides you. He's clearly not a good partner so you need to find the strength to move on and do better for yourself. Since you clearly know his game, stop falling for it. Who cares if he gives you attention when you know he's the type of guy to leave you alone vomiting at a party while he chats up some of the girl?

 

Write a list of all the ****ty things he has done and look at it everyday in the morning to give yourself some motivation to leave him alone.

[smackie9]

Grow a set of lady ballz and say NO! You know he manipulates you, know he can get away with anything because you are weak......well it's time take responsibility for your poor choices and step up and regain your self worth......tell him to go f himself you are done......then block/delete. Seriously lose his number and move on.

[emotionallydrained]

thanks guys, i do blame myself a lot for letting it get to this. i have been very weak and have lost all my self esteem. and i keep having hope that hell one day just realize how badly he treats me and change, but its been years and its never happened. hell be great for a few days and then itll turn to **** again. i have such low self esteem now that i apologize to him after things happen because i second guess myself and think maybe hes right and im overreacting or maybe i have such impossible issues to deal with. he even blames me for him losing his self esteem and not being humself anymore. maybe thats true but i truly dont see how i hurt him as much as hes hurt me. when he broke up with me this time he had a sort of "epiphany" that all these years he was never really ready and he kept trying to be ready for a relationship cause he just cant let me go, but that it was selfish to keep me around when he knew he couldnt give me what i wanted. all of this days before my birthday conveniently and also a few months before graduation. i feel i was used. i just blocked and deleted his number. theres only a few months left of school before we graduate and then ill never see him again. NC drives him crazy so i hope i dont get weak anymore

Edited October 29, 2016 by emotionallydrained

[BDJ_1]

You know what you need to do, go and do it. Good luck!

[Versacehottie]

Good lord, your friends are right: he's an assh*ole!! To be fair, you are trying WAY too hard and it HAS reached a just toxic level. You guys have been back and forth so many times that is the one thing he can count on. Stick to whatever you say OR don't say it until you've made up your mind (for future relationships). I think this one is done (or should be). Secondly, in between the lines of what you are saying, there are many instances where you are acting as if you have no free will--you do! Work on finding that in your therapy. What I can see from reading your OP is that you mix objectives. In the future start with this one: hard to have a guy pick you as his gf if he doesn't respect you. So make sure he respects you (i.e. someone will have to be the adult--you--so stick to what you say or you will be walked all over). You seem to keep looking at the long term goal of wanting to be his girlfriend and throwing out crucial interim steps along the way.....not to mention you should be evaluating if he is worthy bf material, which he is failing greatly!!! So don't ignore that (in the future with other guys). Let this one go.

 

i know it's hard. There's a phenomena that when you keep going back and forth with someone that your need to "get" them, win becomes stronger. Because it's about you really and it desensitizes you to the trauma of all these breakups. If you understand that is what is going on in your head, it may give you the strength to walk away and stay away. Good luck

[Versacehottie]

thanks guys, i do blame myself a lot for letting it get to this. i have been very weak and have lost all my self esteem. and i keep having hope that hell one day just realize how badly he treats me and change, but its been years and its never happened. hell be great for a few days and then itll turn to **** again. i have such low self esteem now that i apologize to him after things happen because i second guess myself and think maybe hes right and im overreacting or maybe i have such impossible issues to deal with. he even blames me for him losing his self esteem and not being humself anymore. maybe thats true but i truly dont see how i hurt him as much as hes hurt me. when he broke up with me this time he had a sort of "epiphany" that all these years he was never really ready and he kept trying to be ready for a relationship cause he just cant let me go, but that it was selfish to keep me around when he knew he couldnt give me what i wanted. all of this days before my birthday conveniently and also a few months before graduation. i feel i was used. i just blocked and deleted his number. theres only a few months left of school before we graduate and then ill never see him again. NC drives him crazy so i hope i dont get weak anymore[/QUOTE]

 

Why are you worried about what drives him crazy??? You need to put your needs first and NC is what you need. He's not a factor in your decisions anymore. Just saying that statement sounds weak--be stronger. Good luck

[Ruby Slippers]

the problem is eveytime i start to move on, i think he senses it and reels me back in with love songs and attention. my birthday is also this coming wednesday if that matters at all. what are your thoughts?

 

-emotionally drained

Break up with him, tell him not to contact you, and go 100% no contact. Read the guides in the breakup forum about how to go no contact and stick to it.

 

Treat yourself to a wonderful birthday celebration with friends/family, free of this toxic energy.

[spiderowl]

This has all the signs of being a push/pull relationship. He behaves appallingly, you try to make it work, it doesn't, you give up, he pulls you back. He has you on a string: he knows whatever he does you will have him back. The only way you are going to get the kind of relationship you want is to dump this guy and find someone who does not mistreat you. Mistreating you is not love, lying is not love, none of this is love. You are captivated by his unpredictability and the occasional good times. It's not going to get better because he is just like that and he can control you. Please just get rid of the guy, it's really the only solution.

Edited October 29, 2016 by spiderowl

[mortensorchid]

This reads like a soap opera. As one, recognize that it's a bad situation and get out of it. You said so yourself this is chipping away at your self esteem and making you miserable. GET OUT. You deserve better.

[emotionallydrained]

thank you so much guys. he actually sent me an email this morning saying im delusional and thinking of things one sided. see i had sent a text to him right before his big presentation, after i had hugged him and wished him good luck. the text was that he didnt seem appreciative and generally a negative text about how things have went down the past few days. he was reallllyy pissed off about that saying "right before i present? arr you ****ing serious?" and then said he was was so ****ing done with me at that point. i immediately apologized because i really didnt mean to pysche him out before his presentation, that wasnt my intention at all. it was bad timing on my part to send that text when i did. i guess i just felt that when i tried to be supportive, it didnt phase him whatsoever. so i sent the text. after i apologized, i felt bad but i also felt idk some cliche overwhelming love for him as the time came closer to his presentation. i started sending "youll do great texts" now hes saying that i only did that cause i felt bad and i was trying to manipulate and was being fake about supporting him which is why he acted the way he did with the lunch thing.

 

i came to find out two nights ago, he went out with my friends to a haunted farm thing. he always declined hanging out with me and my friends whenever i invited him and it made me think he just wanted to avoid being a true couple. the fact he hung out with them when i wasnt there makes me believe that even more. he says we've been broken up so he can do what he wants basically.

 

he also mentioned in the email that im still getting my bday gift and if i dont want it to return it to him when it comes.

 

i told him the email was unnecessary, keep the gift, and to **** off. lol

[JewelD]

thank you so much guys. he actually sent me an email this morning saying im delusional and thinking of things one sided. see i had sent a text to him right before his big presentation, after i had hugged him and wished him good luck. the text was that he didnt seem appreciative and generally a negative text about how things have went down the past few days. he was reallllyy pissed off about that saying "right before i present? arr you ****ing serious?" and then said he was was so ****ing done with me at that point. i immediately apologized because i really didnt mean to pysche him out before his presentation, that wasnt my intention at all. it was bad timing on my part to send that text when i did. i guess i just felt that when i tried to be supportive, it didnt phase him whatsoever. so i sent the text. after i apologized, i felt bad but i also felt idk some cliche overwhelming love for him as the time came closer to his presentation. i started sending "youll do great texts" now hes saying that i only did that cause i felt bad and i was trying to manipulate and was being fake about supporting him which is why he acted the way he did with the lunch thing.

 

i came to find out two nights ago, he went out with my friends to a haunted farm thing. he always declined hanging out with me and my friends whenever i invited him and it made me think he just wanted to avoid being a true couple. the fact he hung out with them when i wasnt there makes me believe that even more. he says we've been broken up so he can do what he wants basically.

 

he also mentioned in the email that im still getting my bday gift and if i dont want it to return it to him when it comes.

 

i told him the email was unnecessary, keep the gift, and to **** off. lol

 

Get yourself some new friends while you're at it. That's weird as hell for them to be hanging out with your bf/ex when you're not there.

[emotionallydrained]

yeah i invited him to the same thing last year and he was veryyy reluctant to go with me and my friends saying "why pay to be scared?" but i think he ended up going only cause our mutual friend invited him (same friend who invited him this time) and not because i invited him.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hi, new here so just need someone to give me unbiased advice. i'll tell the story as objectively as I possibly can.

 

I have been "dating" this guy, i'll call him B, for the past three and a half years. We are in vet school together and in the same class. I'm originally from NJ and he is from TN. The relationship started off as me as the other woman. I asked him time and time again to make a decision between me and his now ex, but he took a good 8 months before he broke up with her. All the while being with me too. I tried to date other people and let him be that first year but it was very very hard and I am not proud of becoming the other woman having been cheated on before in another relationship. After he broke up with her, he told me he wasn't ready to be with me yet (this was right before summer break). So i went back to nj for the summer and my ex at the time was still trying to be with me and it felt nice after the ordeal i had gone through with B. We had sex a couple times and I didnt really talk to B that whole summer. At the end, i broke off ties with my ex.

 

I came back to school and B was all over me. He asked me if i had been with my ex during the summer and i told the truth that i had been. Needless to say he wasnt happy at all. He still brings it up years later. After that, he never asked me to be his girlfriend. We always had so many problems, communication problems, trust issues obviously, him lying. he still wasnt ready for a relationship so i tried to date other people but he hated it. he used it against me whenever he talked about trying to be with me saying it betrayed his trust that i was dating other guys. But i just didnt know what else to do since he couldnt commit to me. we fought A LOT and we had great fantastic sex. when it was good it was magnificent, when it wasnt though it was god awful..

 

Okay so fast forward, i stopped tryig to date other people and really commit to just him so maybe hed finally commit to me the way i wanted him to. it never worked out. I had a habit of "breaking up" with him all the time whenever we got into fights because he and i just didnt thinka like and fought about thigs i thought were just fundamental to a relationship (talking, being known at school as a couple, going out with friends together, being asked on dates). There were times when it felt so right, but those were mostly whenever we were away from school like during summer time. Wed take trips together just us two. He visited me in nj and met my family and i visited him in TN and met his.

 

But theres no denying our relationship has developed into a toxic toxic relationship. There is no trust, no respect, no sincerity (at least from

him) anymore. but im writing here because the past few months i have really truly tried to be with him. ive tried being okay with him doing what he wants and me not questioning it. i tried being okay with not knowig what hes doing, when hes gonna do stuff, or with who, or even knowing when hed show up at my apartment to hang out (hed never ask hed just show up). him showing up whenever he wanted caused me to want to stay home all the time JUST in case hed come by. consequently i stopped living my life. currently im now in therapy because i figured i needed to work on myself after this relationship has damaged me so much.

 

the things hes done recently is an endless list. he breaks up with me all the time now. hes lied about sleeping over my best friends house (it was a late studying night, we had been fighting, and he had no car at the time so my friend offered her couch). he asked her not to tell me but she did because she didnt think it was right to lie about it. another time, when we were at a party, i got very drunk and i went to a secluded place so no one would see me throwing up. i texted him sayin i needed his help. he asked where i was and i told him (i wasnt hard to find) but he never showed up. i guess i got dizzy and laid on the ground and next thing i know some other underclassman found me and helped me inside. thats when i saw B talking to another girl. I left the party and threw up and drove him (five min away but still very very very bad decision i know). he didnt ask if i was alright or made it home that night. he wasnt sorry for not being there when i asked for his help. he blamed me for getting so drunk to begin with (i normally dont at all). the next day he apologized but it wasnt very sincere.

 

fast forward to now, ive caught him in lies like him saying he cant hang out with me one night cause hed be at home taking care of his dog, but then finding out he went out with his friend. hes been back and forth about wanting to be with me but then breaking up with me three days later. this last time i even made a contract with set terms. he broke one which was ignoring me on the fourth day. then decided it was a lost cause and broke up with me altogether. that was a few days ago. today he had a big presentation to the whole school. even though he broke up with me and things were bad between us, i still wished him the bet and supported him like crazy with a hug and youll do great texts! he didnt seem too appreciative but then again he never does. after his presentation, i asked him privately to lunch to celebrate. he sort of reluctantly said yes. then he made plans with his friends in front of me to go to lunch and he turned to me and invited me along. i didnt say anything but eventually i went inside to grab my wallet. he sent a text while i was inside saying "come" and i responded "are you guys leaving already" he didnt answer. i walked outside and they were gone.

 

ive asked different people about everything and they all say hes an *******. but the problem is eveytime i start to move on, i think he senses it and reels me back in with love songs and attention. my birthday is also this coming wednesday if that matters at all. what are your thoughts?

 

-emotionally drained

 

You really are creating your own turmoil. Poor decision left and right.

[introverted1]

It doesn't sound as though either one of you is ready for a relationship right now and you are both engaged in behavior that damages the other (and yourselves).

 

Time for a clean break while you work on your own issues (and hopefully he does the same).

[ChickiePops]

I agree with everyone else..but I would also add - don't date guys who are already in relationships. It's highly unlikely that relationships that start out with cheating will go well.

[eightytwenty]

Girl, you're in college!! Should be having the time of your life, go meet other guys!! Ditch the a**hole and enjoy college. You'll regret it later if you don't!

[preraph]

I commend you for continuing to date other guys. He is a huge hypocrite accusing you of being disloyal when he was cheating on his partner for 8 months with you and expecting you to sit around for that.

 

Look you need to face reality about this guy. Your ideal relationship is one trustworthy husband. His ideal relationship is sleeping with as many women as possible without any of them bailing on him. This guy is NEVER going to be trustworthy.

 

And as far as him now distrusting you for doing the only logical thing you have done, which is keep dating other men, of course since he is a big cheater, he is going to assume everyone else is like him and will cheat if they have the opportunity and make the opportunity if they have to. Cheaters always suspect everyone else of doing what they're doing. But none of that is relevant because this guy is a POS with double standards and you should be RUNNING away from him and blocking him and moving on with your life because you have some boundaries and he has none and because he wants to prioritize his penis and you want a real relationship.

[emotionallydrained]

guys you all have really uplifted me and are giving me more strength to walk away from him. i really cant thank you enough. it's too bad i have to see him at school every day though. it'd be sooo much easier if our school wasnt so small. but ill try to avoid him as much as possible in person too. if our paths cross in person though, should i act polite to him or should i straight out ignore him?

[JewelD]

guys you all have really uplifted me and are giving me more strength to walk away from him. i really cant thank you enough. it's too bad i have to see him at school every day though. it'd be sooo much easier if our school wasnt so small. but ill try to avoid him as much as possible in person too. if our paths cross in person though, should i act polite to him or should i straight out ignore him?

 

Ignore him.

[spiderowl]

Going on what's happened in the past, he's going to push you away and then try to pull you back again. Are you prepared for the attempt to pull you back? He'll probably be sweet and loving, the kind of guy you really want. Just don't be taken in by it. If you ignore him, he has no power over you. Response from you is a form of engagement with him.

 

Good luck, you deserve so much better!

[preraph]

Tell him it's over. You can put it in writing, email or text, if you want. Tell him you want no more contact with him and ask that he just keep his distance as much as possible at school.

 

The easiest way to keep your dignity and not be the one feeling conspicuous here is to surround yourself with your girlfriends at school and let them know to stick by you so as to avoid any confrontations. If you can't do that, just don't speak to him and try to avoid him and if he pushes, tell him to reread that email or text and that you're serious.

[emotionallydrained]

i emailed him to leave me alone and he responded with things like "i really wanted us to celebrate your birthday" "i thought we would last long enough to celebrate it" "i had a whole weekend planned out to make it special for you" "do what you want with the gift when it arrives. i managed to cancel everything else". it made me feel realllly bad like its my fault that i wont be celebrating my bday with him!! i know thats what he was aimig for. why is he so twisted to make it feel like im the one who ended things and not him?! my friends told me to activate an okc account just to try talking to other guys. it was actually a bit fun for all of us to make my profile together and see whod message me. but im not in any way ready to date though and it says that in my profile. B emailed me recently and addressed me as my okc account name and said "says alot. now i know i was just a substitute body" he has no right to judge me after he broke up with me, right? as my therapist told me, its like he makes me

feel bad for trying to live my life after hes the one who broke it off; it feels like he thinks of me as property and no on else can have me even if he doesnt himself.

[spiderowl]

The cheek of the guy - complaining, when he broke up with you! Yes, he doesn't like to see you are making independent moves away from him. He sounds controlling.

[Versacehottie]

why is he so twisted to make it feel like im the one who ended things and not him?!

 

it feels like he thinks of me as property and no on else can have me even if he doesnt himself.

 

WHY???? Because it works on you, that's why. If it doesn't work (i.e. not the reaction he wants, he will stop doing it--which btw shouldn't matter anymore if you are not talking to him)

 

Yep, that's exactly how he treats you: property. You are partially allowing this. Don't do it. Change what you have been doing.

 

I know this is a tough time for you BUT the first order of business is to stop caring what he thinks. If you are not talking to him, and not in a relationship with him, it doesn't matter. Move on with your life.