Ended a relationship - Feeling so hurt & angry [UPDATE! Thought we had reconciled]

[altms]

Hello, I'm new here. Needed to rant. For the 2nd time in nearly 2 years, I'm nursing another break up. I was dumped in the first relationship, and it hurt like hell. I picked up the pieces, and dated again for 6 months, but after a pattern that was eerily similar to the 1st relationship, I had to dump my ex, and it also hurts. (long story!)

 

So my recent ex (23) and I (27) became friends some 4 months after the end of the 1st relationship. She always had a crush on me and we were getting close, but I wasn't ready for another relationship at the time, so we remained friends. As months passed, we were getting closer and closer, and damn, I couldn't deny it anymore. So we became a couple.

 

As all relationships usually are, the first months were wonderful. She has a 3-year old daughter who even before we started dating really liked me, and after we started dating started calling me daddy as well. It was one of the best feelings in the world.

 

However, as time progressed, our flaws started to unravel. I noticed that she is still very insecure, because the father of her daughter actually dumped her when she was pregnant because she refused an abortion. She was still very insecure that I might do the same thing (I would NEVER). Also, while I was trying to take things slow before deciding for sure that I want to marry her, she was kinda moving too fast, introducing me to her dad (who I'm glad to say really liked me) after 3 months etc.

 

I notice that she also quite sensitive and blows things out of proportion. On a bad day, if she misunderstands a text message, or if I say no to an unreasonable request, then she would get so angry, assume I don't care for her or I don't love her etc. and sometimes say some really hurtful stuff. But she would come back to her senses anyway.

 

So after 5 months, one weekend I notice that she's distant and snappy. I ask her what's bothering her, and she wouldn't tell. So I surprised her at her home, but she's not happy to see me. I try asking her what's wrong and she says she's fine. When I insisted, without warning she bursts into tears and shouts for me to leave. I asked her what I did, and she wouldn't say, she just screamed for me to leave. I left, but returned after a few mins, and she started again, heavily. And said that I betrayed her trust, she introduced me to her family, her daughter calls me dad, and I've hurt her, and told me to leave again. I tried to plead that I would never deliberately hurt her, and that she should tell me what I've done wrong, but she just told me to leave. So I left. When I reached home, she whatsapped me and asked if I arrived safely, then thanked me for everything, but told me one day I'll pay for her tears. She then changed her whatsapp status to "I'll always love you, but I'm single now."

 

For the rest of the week, she would text me saying that I've hurt her and that she'll never trust a man anymore, and despite all my (and her best friend's) efforts of asking her, very calmly, what I did to her, she wouldn't say. At the end of the week, she said that we should take a break. I asked her if she wanted us to break up, she said that what she actually meant was that, she'll always leave a door open for me, if I want to be in her life. I told her that if she wants to talk things out, I'll head over to her place, but she quickly told me to forget everything she said. Sure enough, we rekindled things two days later.

 

However, since then, things were not the same. She was less affectionate and respectful. I tried asking her for reasons, but she would dodge and avoid my questions and switch topics. I asked her if it's because I haven't introduced her to my family, and she said, "I've never asked you to take me to your family." And she would tell me to stop worrying and that things will return to normal. I thought that maybe it was her studies getting too stressful, or her financial situation, and I tried to help her with both, but things weren't getting any better.

 

So a week before she was travelling back home for her holidays, she was more distant than ever. I wanted some us time before she left as she was not spending as much time with me as before. When I'd go over to her place, she'd sleep. This was so frustrating, as I had some important stuff about her future we needed to discuss, and it was the third time that I'd go to her place at night and she would sleep. I understand that she's tired from her day's work at college, but I would inform her that I'm on my way, and I'd drive for an hour to her place despite being tired from work as well.

 

So on the final evening before she leaves, we agreed the day before that I'd come over to bring a present for her daughter. Hopefully we'd get some us time. But while on the way, she tells me that her cousin is home with her, and I should pick some fast food for them on the way. I was enraged! Despite making all efforts to see her and make her happy, I'm not a priority. When I arrived at her place, she was totally awake, chatting away with cousin while watching a series on her laptop. And making snide remarks towards me. I found it hard to hide my anger, and she noticed that I was silent myself.

 

After dinner, I told her that I wanted to leave, but I asked if her cousin would leave us alone for a bit. She insisted that we speak outside. When we went out, she started berating me for behaving poorly in front of her cousin, and that I've made her feel guilty by my moodiness. I fire back that she's been unappreciative and disrespectful herself in front of her cousin and that she's not made me a priority for weeks now. And the argument ensued, we called each other names, she said that I complain too much, and that I have a temper. When I asked her what complaints I made that are ridiculous, she wouldn't say, and wanted me to leave. She then said, "this is why I wish I were single, I hate fights like this." She then said, "I think you and I should take a break". I asked her for what and for how long, and she said, I don't know. I asked her if she wants to solve our problems and continue the relationship, and she said YES. So I apologized and insisted that we try and improve communication between us, because it is the source of all our problems. So we parted ways, but she was still so mad, even refused a hug.

 

The next day, she didn't travel, and we texted a bit, but she refused to pick up my calls. The next day she travelled, and when she arrived I spoke to the daughter, but she only spoke one sentence to me and hung up. The next day, same thing. Asked her if she was still mad, she said no. So I gave her some space. Three days again, I found her missed call, when I called, she said that she wanted her daughter to speak to me. When I asked her when she was returning, she said she didn't know. Over the weekend, I called and she promised to call me later, but she didn't. I called her and told her that that was out of order, and asked her to treat me with respect (after another snide remark).

 

Four days later on a Wednesday, I gave her a call. Again she was quite rude, and I asked her when she was coming back and she said over the weekend. The day after, Thursday, I'm at work and we're in a meeting, and guess who comes in to sign some stuff? Her! (we work together). She acted as if I didn't exist and left. I was gobsmacked. That was the lowest blow I have ever received. I left the meeting, and called her, she had already left the premises by then. I was so angry, I told her that I couldn't believe that she stooped so low and blatantly lied to me. She then whatsapped me telling me that she asked for a break, and she doesn't see the benefit of love if all she gets is hurt, and doesn't want to hear my complaints. And changed her status to "I'm single now". Imagine the levels of my anger after I read that. I replied, thank you. And she called me asking, thanks for what? In a worried tone. I was tired of being Mr Nice Gentleman, so I then launched into another rant of her ungratefulness, her rudeness, her lies, for humiliating me, making me a doormat, despite being the best man that I've tried to be to her. She defiantly refused to apologize for her lies, even sarcastically challenging me to produce evidence that she was lying. I told her that we should meet up tomorrow and talk things out, and told me that she'd inform me (although I knew well she wouldn't follow through).

 

The next day, I decided that I was breaking up with her, she had definitely crossed a line. As I predicted, she never followed through. When I was chatting with her bemused best friend, my ex actually texted her and asked her, "has altms asked you anything about me?" "No," she lied. "Today he's gone quiet," and BFF replies, "maybe because he thinks you're still mad at him" she replies, "that's his own problem. He wants to push me around as if I'm his wife. Ha, asking for evidence, as if he bought me a ticket." "Come on, don't be like that, talk things through and forgive him". She ends the chat.

 

Well, I decide to give her space. Her BFF tells me that at the mention of my name, she gets angry and ends the chat, or makes some sort of threat. A week later, I call her to see whether she's improved, and the answer is a big no. I remind her of our meeting, but she gives me some stupid excuse that her mind is empty and can't think. So I hang up. The next day, she meets her BFF, and again at the mention of my name, again erupts, she threatens to leave her, insists that once she's made her decision, no one can change it.

 

When I receive that feedback, the only thing left for me is simply to end the relationship. Only that I want to do it face to face, respectfully. However, here's the straw that broke the camel's back, she changes her whatsapp status and calls herself "no stress and single". THAT WAS IT FOR ME. I called her and she wouldn't answer my call. I call about 10 more times and she wouldn't pick up. (Despite being in another call a few mins before). Her BFF then texts her and asks her why she's not picking my calls, and she says she'll call me once she gets home. Again she asks her to stop being childish and talk things out, and she gets mad again.

 

Finally when we spoke, I told her that it's best if we could break up permanently bcoz we've reached a point of no return. I ask her to return my possessions. She hangs up. Later, she texts, "fine, so what do I owe you?" I only ask for my clothes back. She tells me to come for my stuff at her place now if possible. She then texts "So you've finally achieved your objective with me, congrats, but thanks for everything, all the best". I didn't reply to that, I simply told her that it was too late to come to her place, so tomorrow.

 

The day after she tells me she's not at her place and she's travelling the next day, and I can fetch my stuff after she returns. She then texts, "If you wanted us to break up, fine, but why disclose our private issues to everyone? I'm not stupid you know, but thanks for everything". I asked if she meant her BFF, and she says no, but I'm not stupid, good day."

 

Two weeks later, she whatsapps me again and complains that I've disclosed our private stuff. She says I've dragged her name through the mud and that I shouldn't put her through more stress. Honestly I didn't do that, so I was puzzled. A few days later while at work, I took her aside and asked her to say what she's heard bcoz she's been complaining. Her reply, while looking away? "Don't worry about it". "Come on, just say it." "I've got a meeting now". After more questions, she says, "please be at peace with it. Whatever happened has happened. If you didn't say it, then no problem, so don't worry."

 

The next day, she does return my clothes, through her BFF.

 

So, despite having ended it, I'm still so angry over everything. We were great friends before our relationship. I comforted her when she had some serious family problems. She was my 'shoulder to cry on' when I was mourning the loss of my previous relationship. She comforted me, listened to me, advised me. Only to behave in such a ghastly manner herself.

 

It sucks when a relationship fails. It sucks even more that we won't celebrate our birthdays together as a couple, (we're born one day apart). It sucks EVEN more when I think of her daughter who's too young to comprehend all of this, for whom I bought her first school bag and water bottle that she always wanted, and she's sure that I'll get her a new bike for her birthday, and that I'll drive her around town in my car.

 

However, I'm sure I've made the right call. There were too many red flags to ignore, and she just crossed too many lines. Granted that I have my own flaws, but at least I tried to be accountable for my own actions and errors and I can say that I gave my best, but she obviously wasn't interested in me anymore. And there's no point in forcing someone.

 

Just as I did before, I'll pick up the pieces, and hopefully I am a step closer to whoever God has planned for me.

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear what happened. You know, she probably doesn't have any reason as such for this change. Feelings do change and hers clearly have. Instead of just telling you that and ending it, she chose to be hurtful and perplexing. It's a pretty awful way to end a relationship and you are doing the right thing to give up on her.

 

I can easily imagine how angry you must feel. Remind yourself that she has behaved badly in all this and that you at least have the self respect of knowing you treated her well. You loved her and love her daughter and you can 'take the high road' and know what kind of person she really is.

 

Unfortunately, she was not the kind of person you thought she was. There is little you can do with this anger except to talk to friends and family about it and wait for it to fade. It does not seem fair, I know, but she clearly has not had good examples of relationships in her life to learn from. It's not going to benefit her in the long run. You could end up feeling sorry for her.

 

You're a good guy. You'll find someone better.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Sorry for the experience.

 

She was and is, as you know, very insecure. Here defensiveness was a coping mechanism for her. Believe it or not, as soon as she felt that things were not going her way, she turned it around so that she was on the OFFENSIVE. She's been hurt badly in the past, dumped, so she has developed a coping strategy so that she is not the victim again. SHE turns it around and becomes the person doing the dumping....in her mind. I am afraid that she may be damaged for good.

 

Her moving too fast is her way to try to reaffirm herself. She wants badly to be validated, so she moved quickly to move the relationship forward. I have a feeling that she will be in and out of a number of relationships before she finds someone who will settle down.

[altms]

Last October I posted this thread: []

 

It was about me having to end my relationship with my ex-gf after some misunderstandings and some very disrespectful behaviour on her part. I told myself that I'd move on with my life, but, I still loved her despite everything, so I wanted to give it another shot. And this is where the story starts (long story, but I need to rant)...

 

So, weeks after we broke up, things were getting better between us. We were on speaking terms again, joking with each other, and even when I'd call (usually for work-related issues) she would respond warmly. Even one of my colleagues noticed the way she looked at me and told me that she must be missing me.

 

So at the beginning of December, I asked her if we could meet up during the weekend. She said she'd let me know. Sure enough, Sunday night she whatsapps me, and starts by apologizing for everything that she did to hurt me, and that she was motivated to do so by her daughter who always asks about me.

 

But then the story turns strange! She says that all the time we were together she was testing me if I was good enough to be a father for her child, and it's not that I'm not worthy, but maybe it wasn't in God's plan for us to be together. Then adds that she is in another relationship, but she loved me and will always love me. And adds that she is pregnant. Well, I told her that if she's moved on with her life, then it's best I do so with my own. So I wish her all the best.

 

A few days later, however, she contacts me via whatsapp, to relay greetings from her daughter. A few days later, I decide to initiate contact by whatsapping her, and we started chatting again like the old days, even telling each other we love each other.

 

And the whole pregnancy thing? It was all a big lie/joke, apparently she was so stressed that day so she decided to make up a story.

 

So one day before she was travelling back to her hometown for the Christmas holidays, I ask to meet her. She agrees, and we do meet. We hang out for an hour or so, then I ask her that we reconcile and start over. Her reply, in a joking tone? "You're being unfair to me." Anyways, I drop her off at her best friend's hostel where she went to pick up her stuff, and I return home. (I'd return to pick her up again).

 

So when I arrived home, she calls. "I'm hungry", she says. "BFF forgot to return with dinner and all the cafeterias are far away, you know I have ulcers, so get me some food." I reply, cmon, you're a big girl now stop whining. Her reply? "But I'm your girlfriend." Was that the reconciliation confirmed? It seemed so. So I went out and bought her a takeaway dinner.

 

When I returned at the hostel, her BFF asked me to come up to her room as well. The BFF then introduces me to all of her roommates, in a way that anyone would understand that we were a couple. It was all very jovial, she absolutely loves me phone, she took it and was taking pictures on it and whatnot. When it was time to leave, she walked me to my car, I asked that I take her home, but she insisted on sleeping over and waking up early to return home and pick her luggage to travel. So next morning at 4.30 a.m., I gave her a ride to the bus station, and she heads home as planned.

 

Now that's where the problems start. Once she arrived at her hometown, she was quite distant, unlike how she was for the past few weeks. She would sound bored when I called, send me 1-word texts, the lot. She blamed it on her malfunctioning phone, but still even with the phone she borrowed from her grandma, there was no thrill from her.

 

What alarmed me was a phone call, where I asked, how's shem? (Shem means in-law in swahili, a term we informally use for your gf's close friend, which in his case is her BFF). She was surprised by the term, and said, "Am I married?" When I replied no, she added, "Then why use the word shem if I'm still a bachelorette?" When I asked her to explain why suddenly she has a problem with that term, she dodged the question.

 

So I decided to pull back a bit. I'd still call her maybe once in two days, and she'd initiate conversations several times. (but she was still quite flakey at times). She'd send me her daughter's pics and voice notes over whatsapp, at least that gave me hope that maybe her feelings are still there. I decided that when she returns from her hometown, I'd ask her where we stand.

 

Her daughter's birthday is on the 13th of January. So I wanted to call her and ask what plans she's made. Two days before, she whatsapped me in the mid-morning, and we chatted for a bit. Then I called her an hour after, and she didn't pick up. Later on, she sent me a pic of her daughter wearing the clothes I bought her for Christmas.

 

Later in the evening, I called her. She didn't pick up. Waited for a few mins then called again. No answer. Waited again. Called, she's on another call. Waited. Call again, no answer. Call again, and after a good several seconds, she picks up.

 

"Hello, how are you?" (in a very formal tone, as if she's speaking to a new number).

 

I was taken aback, she has never spoken to me like that, so I tried to joke around to lighten the mood, but she wasn't having that.

 

I asked her what she was doing, and she replied, "I'm having dinner." "Okay, after how many mins should I call again?" "I've just arrived from a long trip and I'm having dinner." "Fine, when should I call you again?" "CALL ME TOMORROW!!!" She snaps, and hangs up.

 

I was shocked by her tone, so I texted her and asked her why she's acting like that. She then calls me using a new number and starts ranting, "I told you several times that I've just arrived from a trip and I'm tired and I'm having dinner, but you insist on speaking to me. What do you want from me?! Do I owe you money? Don't piss me off, please leave me alone." As she hangs up, she then says, "dunno what's wrong with this guy", and a male voice replies, "what's wrong?"

 

I was even more shocked. So I called the number she used to call me. The male voice picks up. I tell him I want to speak to her, and he sarcastically replies, "who are you to her?" I reply that she's my girlfriend, we reconciled before Christmas. The guy sarcastically replies, well, she's my wife, this is my phone number, what do you want from her? Having heard our conversation via loudspeaker, she rants again, "when did you and I reconcile? Did I ever say that we were back together? You and I parted ways amicably and we never got back together, don't make me angry. So never ever call my number again. Bye!" She hung up, amid my furious replies of how could you do this to me, fear God, and don't speak to me like that.

 

I immediately rushed over to her BFF's hostel, and confronted her if she had another guy and they were simply fooling me. She does say that she spoke to her a few mins before, and thought that her tone was strange, and that she might have a male companion. She replied that she doesn't know anything, and that the ex is also not a very good friend to her as well, she's very secretive and not so appreciative. Still, the BFF insists that she'll talk to her, and I shouldn't pay attention to her as she can make up stuff when she's pissed, but I told her I wanted nothing else to do with her after that.

 

Next morning, the ex sends me a series of texts telling me that we never got back together before christmas, and I should stop pushing and ordering her around as if she's my wife. She then asked me to reflect why "I have money and a car, but still every girl dumps me" (I've been dumped once in a serious relationship). And says I should only contact her when I have important info for her.

 

I explained how I understood the whole scenario, and that she told me HERSELF that she's my girlfriend, and her friends knew us as such. I added that, if she wasn't interested in reconciling, she should have said it there and then, as I don't cling on to someone who's not interested in me. She then sarcastically replies that 'I'm too thick to read between the lines'.

 

Afterwards, I simply replied, "I know I'm not perfect, but at least I truly loved you and cared for you. Never ever try to make me feel guilty, I know my worth. And no problem, I won't contact you for anything ever again. Not after what you did to me yesterday." She then replied that, "I don't want this to end up as an insult-fest, so please know that you and I never reconciled, and you shouldn't push me around. Good day." I replied that she'll never hear from me again for any reason, because I have all answers now."

 

Sure enough, later on, she blocked me on whatsapp, thank God.

 

So, I've started the long journey of moving on now. It's complicated by the fact that we work together so I have to see her few days in a week and pretend as if nothing happened. Imagine the emotions running through you, how your blood boils by seeing someone who's treated you like crap, despite all the love and care you've shown for her and her daughter. She couldn't be honest and decline my request for reconciliation, instead she manipulated the occasion for a free meal and rides, and probably presents for her daughter.

 

I don't regret pursuing a second chance with her, but my instincts were correct all-along that she's no good for me, and I don't need a clearer confirmation. I'm also not putting off anyone here from trying for the second time. Just make sure that your ex treats, or treated you with the respect you deserve.

 

Also if spiderowl and simpleNfit will read this thread, I'd like to thank them for their advice in my previous thread as they were absolutely spot-on with their observations.

 

Treat someone how you want to be treated.

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged and link to previous thread redacted ~6

[marky00]

Sorry for the experience.

 

She was and is, as you know, very insecure. Here defensiveness was a coping mechanism for her. Believe it or not, as soon as she felt that things were not going her way, she turned it around so that she was on the OFFENSIVE. She's been hurt badly in the past, dumped, so she has developed a coping strategy so that she is not the victim again. SHE turns it around and becomes the person doing the dumping....in her mind. I am afraid that she may be damaged for good.

 

Her moving too fast is her way to try to reaffirm herself. She wants badly to be validated, so she moved quickly to move the relationship forward. I have a feeling that she will be in and out of a number of relationships before she finds someone who will settle down.

 

 

Yes I agree with this.

 

 

It's obvious that she was the one initially more emotionally invested.

 

 

But once she recognised the imbalance, there was no way she was going to allow herself to be ditched again. So even though, she was probably the more invested, she was able to turn that around and act as if she was the less invested. Clearly, she has become rather good at doing that , to the point her acting that way transformed into feeling that way.

 

 

It's definitely her past at work here and possibly she is just a prideful person as well.

 

 

It's not a common dumper's story but. The way the power shifted is slightly unusual in my opinion, which is why your feeling so confused.

[PinkPampies]

Wow. That's a lot of detail in your story.

 

She lied and jokes about being pregnant. Who does that?? You're dodging a bullet my friend. Please move on and find someone who treats you better, or you're going to waste years on a never ending cycle.