Question for WS in exit affair, how did you get caught, and how did it feel?

[dark water]

I'm looking for some insight from WSs right now.

 

Anyone can answer this question, BS, WS, anyone. But I would really love to hear from any WS who have had an exit affair about how you felt while the affair was happening, how you got caught, and how that felt.

 

I feel like one of the major indicators of an Exit Affair is the brazen behaviour of doing things that will likely get you caught. And the conflict avoidance of creating a situation that will end the relationship for you. Still, I imagine there must be a whirlwind of emotion upon actual DDay probably ranging from fear and panic to relief.

 

Short backstory: I'm involved with a MM whose wife cheated on him about a year ago. He has been emotionally abused and manipulated by her into believing it was his fault for not paying enough attention to her, so he took her back under the assumption that her cheating was his shortcoming. Neither he nor I have ever cheated or been an AP before, but now we are involved in an EA/PA that neither of us wants to get out of.

 

Having never been on his side of things it would be helpful for anyone, who has had an exit affair especially, to let me know what was going through their head at the time.

[40somethingGuy]

I'm looking for some insight from WSs right now.

 

Anyone can answer this question, BS, WS, anyone. But I would really love to hear from any WS who have had an exit affair about how you felt while the affair was happening, how you got caught, and how that felt.

 

I feel like one of the major indicators of an Exit Affair is the brazen behaviour of doing things that will likely get you caught. And the conflict avoidance of creating a situation that will end the relationship for you. Still, I imagine there must be a whirlwind of emotion upon actual DDay probably ranging from fear and panic to relief.

 

Short backstory: I'm involved with a MM whose wife cheated on him about a year ago. He has been emotionally abused and manipulated by her into believing it was his fault for not paying enough attention to her, so he took her back under the assumption that her cheating was his shortcoming. Neither he nor I have ever cheated or been an AP before, but now we are involved in an EA/PA that neither of us wants to get out of.

 

Having never been on his side of things it would be helpful for anyone, who has had an exit affair especially, to let me know what was going through their head at the time.

 

So your AP was cheated on and thus was 'abused' so you go and abuse your husband? WTF is wrong with you people?

 

 

I am the BS and my WW was absolutely humiliated when I confronted her. She did get brazen as her phone became a part of her body. It was weird. She was always waiting for a text. When I did not have proof but told her I thought something was up I got the standard 'you are being so insecure and how dare you not trust me etc.' One day she forgot to grab her phone (she didn't know that I saw her open it before so I knew her password) and I opened it and saw her and a neighbor (who is really fat and hairy so not someone I ever imagined was a threat) with a VERY long text exchange which included nude pics sent to the fat arse. I confronted him and scared him within an inch of his pathetic life (he even told me he was my b**** and please don't hurt him). She had no idea I knew and when confronted she went from confident and high and mighty to pathetic puddy that bawled her eyes out asking me to forgive. Turns out he was just using her for attention and she was just a pawn for him. No sex happened but I know she would have.

[Mr. Lucky]

So your AP was cheated on and thus was 'abused' so you go and abuse your husband? WTF is wrong with you people?

 

Agreed. If cheating is so wrong one has to be "emotionally abused and manipulated" to deal with it, how is the answer more cheating?

 

I'm looking for some insight from WSs right now.

 

Anyone can answer this question, BS, WS, anyone.

 

My marriage was already dysfunctional when the wife of my WS's AP contacted me to see if I could get her to leave him alone...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedH]

I'm looking for some insight from WSs right now.

 

Anyone can answer this question, BS, WS, anyone. But I would really love to hear from any WS who have had an exit affair about how you felt while the affair was happening, how you got caught, and how that felt.

 

I feel like one of the major indicators of an Exit Affair is the brazen behaviour of doing things that will likely get you caught. And the conflict avoidance of creating a situation that will end the relationship for you. Still, I imagine there must be a whirlwind of emotion upon actual DDay probably ranging from fear and panic to relief.

 

Short backstory: I'm involved with a MM whose wife cheated on him about a year ago. He has been emotionally abused and manipulated by her into believing it was his fault for not paying enough attention to her, so he took her back under the assumption that her cheating was his shortcoming. Neither he nor I have ever cheated or been an AP before, but now we are involved in an EA/PA that neither of us wants to get out of.

 

Having never been on his side of things it would be helpful for anyone, who has had an exit affair especially, to let me know what was going through their head at the time.

 

I'm curious. Do you think that she had an exit affair or that he's having one with you?

 

If it's the latter, I think you'd be wise to think of it as a revenge affair, rather than an exit affair.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm curious. Do you think that she had an exit affair or that he's having one with you?

 

If it's the latter, I think you'd be wise to think of it as a revenge affair, rather than an exit affair.

 

I would agree. Exit affairs are when someone wants to get out of the marriage but lacks the courage to do it on his or her own and/or they feel the reason of not being happy is not enough of a reason. This guy could have left when his wife cheated, there was his reason with a capital R. But he stayed because he loves her. However he is mad/hurt/etc and so he has a revenge affair to punish his wife and show her how it feels.

 

I can tell you the ending. The husband allows the wife to find out (hence the point here), she suffers and the OW is dropped as she served their purpose. H and W begin to fix their marriage. OW is collateral damage.

 

Its classic, it was my life, and you will see it here a lot.

 

My advice is not to be a part of this triangle.

[Chica80]

I guess you could say mine was an exit A....there was alot of unhealthy dynamics in our M. I had gone to therapy we had gone together counseling etc. I tried to do everything date nights, read books get on antidepressants etc (because according to H I was the cause of all our issues). Divorce was just not an option. Being unhappy was not a reason to leave. About a yr before A started I had said enough, he threatened I could leave but could not take my children.

 

When A started it was the perfect mix of being in another down spiral and AP saying he was interested in me...and I was out. Told stbxh I was done I wanted out....I told H I was in love with someone else he still wanted to wrk on things. But I was done. This played out almost a yr. I disclosed A about 2mo in..

[Chica80]

Also to add....AP is not in exit A and he has had some moments of being careless and not as careful. So don't think that's an indicator

[Satu]

OP:

 

You forgot to mention that his wife doesn't understand him.

[aileD]

Sounds like he's having a revenge affair, not an exit affair.

 

But however you need to justify it to make yourself feel better ...I guess titiles don't matter.

 

If it's truly an exit affair, you know those notoriously don't end well for the AP right? Being used as an excuse to get out of a bad marriage then dumped once he wants the single life.

[minimariah]

i didn't notice any MMs who post on LS & had an exit affair; there ARE some wonderful ladies who had that experience so they might chime in. every exit affair begins with an exit strategy... until that's present (at the very least!) & until he's actually a divorced man - we cannot talk about an exit affair. it's kind of a moot point due to a lot of MMs leaving and coming back (changing their minds). it needs to happen 1st & everyone's experience is different - especially with folks who didn't have the same consequences (finances, kids/no kids).

[Mr. Lucky]

OP:

 

You forgot to mention that his wife doesn't understand him.

 

Or have sex with him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[minimariah]

I feel like one of the major indicators of an Exit Affair is the brazen behaviour of doing things that will likely get you caught.

 

not necessarily; many WSs want to get caught because it is their way of trying to get their BS's attention & expressing their unhappiness without actually wanting to end the marriage or continuing with the AP. many are ANGRY at the BS and the affair is their way to punish their spouse - after Dday MANY things can drastically change. so openly cheating doesn't mean an exit affair, not really -- if it's some kind of REVENGE affair...? it's not an exit affair because there are emotions behind every revenge affair so the person isn't (yet) emotionally detached. again - he needs to actually divorce for it to be an exit affair because right now... it's your wishful thinking.

Edited October 28, 2016 by minimariah

[BetrayedH]

I'm curious. Do you think that she had an exit affair or that he's having one with you?

 

If it's the latter, I think you'd be wise to think of it as a revenge affair, rather than an exit affair.

 

Just to expand on this...

 

I don't think you should be seeking feedback from the typical WS because that's not really an apt description for your AP.

 

When someone has been both a BS and a WS, they're commonly referred to as a "mad hatter." It's an interesting term because being a BS really is crazy-making and when you then go so far as to have your own affair when you've been a party to that pain, well, saying you've gone mad isn't a stretch.

 

I speak from some experience in this regard. I discovered my wife's PA after it had been going on for a good year. When confronted, she cried, apologized, promised to end it, wanted to work on the marriage, blah, blah, blah. The usual. Not having been remotely prepared for such a thing (as far as I knew, we were good), I found myself wanting to forgive and reconcile. In short, I'd spent nearly twenty years with this woman and had all of my eggs in one basket. We had two great young kids, two good careers, a decent home for ourselves, two new cars, two pets... You get the idea. After investing 20 years in that effort, I wasn't mentally prepared for that basket being smashed.

 

So I tried to reconcile.

 

My wife was the typical trickle-truther. I was (overly) generous in allowing her 90 days to keep her job until one of them could transfer.

 

In the meantime, I lost my fool mind. As they still worked together (she was a direct report), I envisioned her bent over his desk all day while I was at work. I grew more and more angry, rather than less.

 

In a bout of insanity, I decided that it might be wise to have my own affair to "balance" the scales. While the intent for me wasn't revenge (I never wanted her to know), I definitely wanted some action of my own and thought that by doing so I would be able to shed my anger.

 

Long story short, I bought into the crazy. I said "F" it and had my own.

 

What you should understand is that I simply wasn't in my right mind. I don't mean to shirk responsibility by saying it. I'm simply suggesting that your AP is also quite likely not in his right mind.

 

If he was exiting, as you seem to suggest, then he'd be doing exactly that. Now I don't think that he's taking the same angle as I did, just trying to balance things. I think he was just plain traumatized and devastated and is acting emotionally and erratically. He's not in a healthy place. And he may very well want to exact some measure of revenge. He may want his pound of flesh, as they say. But if he was healthy and logical, then he'd simply be filing and walking.

 

I obviously don't know much about your guy from what you've written here. But I can say that I've been there. And that's where I'd guess that his head is at.

 

My advice is that you should be the last person to infer or conclude that he's having an exit affair. You're not remotely an objective observer. It's safe to assume you're hoping that it's an exit affair. The other conclusion would be that you're a side piece and a confort while he walks thru the devastation of his marriage. But I wouldn't at all assume it's an exit affair until he actually exits. If he files and leaves, you can claim you were right. In the meantime, you'd be smart to watch his actions. And if he's not filing and leaving, then you'd be wise to conclude that he's staying, 'cause that's what he's doing.

 

Just my $.02

[beautiful_day]

I think it's only an exit affair once they've actually exited. It's one of those things that you can only name in hindsight.

[Jersey born raised]

A revenge adulterous relationship or a walk away spouse aduterpus relationship becomes a nightmare for the other person - understand I mean you. It is a mix for a need of personal validation (just about anyone will do) resentment and at some level involves the hope of payback and broken dreams. Both Midnight and BetrsyedDad hit on the highlights.

 

You need to understand what you represent to MOM. No more than water to a person in a desert. Needed, valued, appreciated at a moment in time and only at that time.

 

I have not noticed a thread here on Walk Away Wives. I think many men walk way it is just not discussed. Trying search the term Walk away wives I think you will get more results.

 

Have you considered the element limerence may play in your relationship.

[Jersey born raised]

Dang, can't PM you so I have to paste. Emotional turmoil can really add rocket fuel to fire of limerence.

 

 

What Is Limerence?

 

We use the term limerence for this strong emotion. It was coined in 1979 by Dorothy Tennov. In her book Love and Limerence she listed a number of characteristics of limerence including:

 

• intrusive thinking about the person one is madly in love with (referred to as the Limerent Object or LO)

 

• strong, pervasive longing for the LO to reciprocate the emotion

 

• feelings of euphoria or ecstasy when any action by the LO is interpreted as demonstrating reciprocal emotions

 

• obsessive thinking about the LO to the point that many other things, even important things, are ignored or neglected

 

• a powerful perception that the LO is nearly flawless (good qualities are magnified; bad qualities strongly minimized)

 

• sexual desire for the LO

 

Neither a straying spouse nor a paramour in limerence sees the future as it likely will be. They exist in the throes of ecstasy that come with limerence, as well as the pits of fear when anything occurs that has any possibility of preventing them from being together. That fear leads each of them not only to experience exuberance when the LO demonstrates positive emotion, but also worry and despair if they interpret any word or action from the LO as negative. Those of us who have been through limerence testify that it is a strange, overwhelming sensation that vacillates wildly between love and fear, joy and misery. That’s why logic doesn’t work with people in limerence. It’s such a powerful emotion that it denies the logic that confronts it.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Just to expand on this...

 

....

Just my $.02

 

Entire post is excellent!

[dark water]

BetrayedH, thank you for your unique insight. I have been aware of the term 'mad hatter' but there are so few examples of them posting online, so I really appreciate you sharing with me. As you said, you don't know much about my guy, and obviously everyone's story, including mine, has a lot of elements that would be impossible to go over in these posts without writing a novel, so I want to thank you for being objective and sharing in your perspective.

 

To somewhat reference my original question, how did your revenge affair get discovered, if it did at all? I hope you don't mind me asking.

[dark water]

Just to expand on this...

 

Just my $.02

 

Dang, can't PM you so I have to paste. Emotional turmoil can really add rocket fuel to fire of limerence.

 

 

What Is Limerence?

 

Neither a straying spouse nor a paramour in limerence sees the future as it likely will be. They exist in the throes of ecstasy that come with limerence, as well as the pits of fear when anything occurs that has any possibility of preventing them from being together. That fear leads each of them not only to experience exuberance when the LO demonstrates positive emotion, but also worry and despair if they interpret any word or action from the LO as negative. Those of us who have been through limerence testify that it is a strange, overwhelming sensation that vacillates wildly between love and fear, joy and misery. That’s why logic doesn’t work with people in limerence. It’s such a powerful emotion that it denies the logic that confronts it.

 

Jersey born raised and BetrayedH: Thank you both so much for reaching out with your posts. This is obviously a very confusing time for me and I am in a place I never thought I would be. I am not trying to justify, just trying to state facts about my situation and try to relate it to others, so thanks again for the sound advice.

 

Jersey born raised, thank you for the breakdown! I find it very useful; being a scientist by trade I tend to respond well to that kind of presentation of information. LS is proving to be a strange sort of place for me as I'm not used to receiving anecdotal evidence, but I am finding that aspect of it useful nonetheless.

 

Also, thank you to everyone else here who genuinely and helpfully offered their insight. As I have said, this is a very new, strange, and confusing time, and I have just been hoping to glean some sort of perspective from the WS side having never been one myself. What I neglected to mention in my original post was that we had been friends for years, and in all honesty, I hated seeing him suffer when his wife cheated on him, so there is probably an element of revenge on my part as well. And what most of you are saying about an exit affair not being applicable until after the fact, yes, you are right. I suppose I was wondering what it was like for those who had experienced exit affairs so that I can be more prepared in case this turns out to be exactly that. If not then I will still have learned something from all of you.

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH, thank you for your unique insight. I have been aware of the term 'mad hatter' but there are so few examples of them posting online, so I really appreciate you sharing with me. As you said, you don't know much about my guy, and obviously everyone's story, including mine, has a lot of elements that would be impossible to go over in these posts without writing a novel, so I want to thank you for being objective and sharing in your perspective.

 

To somewhat reference my original question, how did your revenge affair get discovered, if it did at all? I hope you don't mind me asking.

 

I don't mind.

 

The OW and I had arranged a hotel room. I went, and backed out. I didn't have it in me. I broke it off with OW. A few days later I confessed to my wife. Ironically, she told me to do what I needed to do. We told the kids I was leaving for business for a few days and I literally proceeded with permission.

 

In my case, the OW knew the full deal the whole time and accepted it as-is. We spent a few days together and I went back to my life.

 

I have to say that it's absolutely surreal to sit here and type this and acknowledge that it actually happened. It was the most bizarre year of my life.

 

None of it "worked," of course. OW got attached and hurt, despite her commitment to do otherwise. My wife was hurt, despite how fair it might have been. And I can't even recognize who I was at that time. Almost comically, I was still angry at my wife for bringing this whole freaking mess into our lives, despite my logical acknowledgement that I no longer had a leg to stand on.

 

It was just a wreck for everyone.

 

One thing that may be interesting is that several posters here (it all played out live on LS) felt that I "confessed" because I did actually want to hurt my wife all along and that it really was about revenge. I still don't really agree. In the end I just hated the guilt of cheating when she was trying so hard to repair things. But those posters made a fair point that I had to consider.

 

Sorry, I think I expanded past your original question.

[minimariah]

I think it's only an exit affair once they've actually exited. It's one of those things that you can only name in hindsight.

 

most definitely; it happens a lot of times that those you really thought would exit - don't. and those who were saying they would never divorce from the beginning - exit. very individual.

[dark water]

 

One thing that may be interesting is that several posters here (it all played out live on LS) felt that I "confessed" because I did actually want to hurt my wife all along and that it really was about revenge. I still don't really agree. In the end I just hated the guilt of cheating when she was trying so hard to repair things. But those posters made a fair point that I had to consider.

 

Sorry, I think I expanded past your original question.

 

Don't be sorry! That is very helpful to know. As you have mentioned before, you are in a unique position, being a 'mad hatter,' and so I find your perspective on these things very helpful. I can't imagine what you went through and this is why I am here, to try to understand that better. It must have been, all in all, a very confusing and surreal time for you. I don't agree with the posters who said that you confessed to hurt your wife. You were probably in a whirlwind of emotion and just trying to do what you could to make things more clear. I also find it interesting that an element of resentment came into it for you feeling like you would never have done that if it hadn't been for the mess she created. I think that is a very common feeling in these kinds of situations.

[dark water]

it happens a lot of times that those you really thought would exit - don't. and those who were saying they would never divorce from the beginning - exit. very individual.

 

Minimariah, short and sweet, but extremely insightful. Your statement actually speaks to a pattern I have noticed just by paying attention to the friends and acquaintances and even those in the media who have had affairs. There seems to be a high incidence of people who originally thought, probably in all sincerity, that they would do one thing and then end up doing the opposite. I have seen husbands who have purely sexual affairs and say first thing that they will never leave their wives, only to do so eventually. I have seen numerous people say they want to leave and then don't, at least not for years. And I have seen numerous people say they want to work things out and then do things that will obviously put an end to their relationship or marriage.

 

I wonder what the evolution of the mindset is in these cases. Does it start with denial of the outcome you subconsciously know will eventually play out? Is it a matter of thinking you know what you want, until you have had a chance to adjust to the way things have changed? When people cheat the initial shock is that we learn something we didn't know about the other person, but the interesting thing I think is the things we learn about ourselves and the things we didn't know we were capable of doing. Either way, there is a lot of soul searching involved.

[Whoknew30]

I had an exit A...didn't get "caught" I confessed one day. An exit A happens when someone truly wants something to change & no longer cares. Wether or not it's a revenge A or exit A, either one will be brought to the surface eventually bc the WS usually doesn't care in those two instances what happens like in a "regular" A...& that goes for what happens to the AP too.

[dark water]

I had an exit A...didn't get "caught" I confessed one day. An exit A happens when someone truly wants something to change & no longer cares. Wether or not it's a revenge A or exit A, either one will be brought to the surface eventually

 

Whoknew30, that is interesting. I'm sure that some people are able to lead a double life long term, but it has always been my understanding that most affairs will either be confessed to or found out, and in the case of the latter due to subconsciously leaving clues or getting careless with covering your tracks.

 

I agree, like you said, that revenge affairs and exit affairs do not tend to have a long shelf life because the motive behind them are the desires for drastic change in your life.

 

Part of my original question involved wanting to know what lead to the disclosure of the affair and the feelings surrounding it. Even though you confessed instead of waiting to get caught, which I am sure happens quite often in these cases, would you be willing to expand on the circumstances that lead you to confess, and how you felt after the reveal?