Isn't it hard to be "yourself" on a first date?

[Porter56]

When you are on a date...don't you just feel like you're on a job interview?

 

You go out with somebody and you don't know them very well and you are just asking them questions and they are asking you questions and you're just trying to feel if you're a good fit for each other.

 

You're not being yourselves...neither of you are ...you're just saying what you think the other person wants to hear in the hopes of either:they'll have sex with you or maybe they'll want to go on a second and third date with you.

I love this advice about being genuine or authentic or being yourself is really just BS because everybody's being fake on these first dates or even second dates because we're worried about what the other person thinks of you.

 

Dating is really just a big waste of time and adding it's adding to your stress level and upping your blood pressure while making you miss out on other things that might be worthwhile in life. Don't you agree?

Edited October 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for clarity on the thread topic ~ V

[Porter56]

The title explains itself.

 

You always hear about how you should just "be yourself" when you first meet someone or go on a first date but this is simply not true. If you were "yourself" ...no one would like you. So, you become "the best version of yourself" which is just a nice acceptable way of saying you're putting on an act for this object of your affection.

 

The proof of this is in the answer to my question...think of your current or most recent long term relationship...think of the way this person acted when you first met them. Think of how they presented themselves on your first/second date.

 

Now...compare that with how they behaved after you had been together for a long time. Possibly you lived together....think of the person you lived with versus the person you knew through the first 6-8 months of your relationship. How do those two versions of this person measure up to each other?

 

Bottom line...being yourself or being "genuine" doesn't matter.

[basil67]

I'm always myself. Some people like me and I'm sure some people don't. But I've never been the kind to pretend to be someone else.

 

Edited to add: my partner always said that he'd start out like he intended to continue. There was no fake wooing with flowers or anything. He put thought into birthday and Xmas but didn't do valentines or anniversaries. He was house proud then and house proud now. Yep - he hasn't changed much at all.

Edited October 28, 2016 by basil67

[freebird31]

Hm. Well I wouldn't say my first dates were an act. I was very much myself. But maybe a different side of myself was shown, like a more giddy version of myself than normal. Because it was me in an excited and anxious state. The only time it would ever be an act is if you're intentionally being deceitful, I would think. I would say on first dates I am just on my best behavior...its still the same me tho.

[trippi1432]

When you are on a date...don't you just feel like you're on a job interview?

 

You go out with somebody and you don't know them very well and you are just asking them questions and they are asking you questions and you're just trying to feel if you're a good fit for each other.

 

You're not being yourselves...neither of you are ...you're just saying what you think the other person wants to hear in the hopes of either:they'll have sex with you or maybe they'll want to go on a second and third date with you.

I love this advice about being genuine or authentic or being yourself is really just BS because everybody's being fake on these first dates or even second dates because we're worried about what the other person thinks of you.

Dating is really just a big waste of time and adding it's adding to your stress level and upping your blood pressure while making you miss out on other things that might be worthwhile in life. Don't you agree?

 

Well, you have a point. I mean when you go on a job interview and you feel like it "clicked" but the interviewer was not being genuine and authentic about it being a bad place to work at...I would re-think the whole thing.

 

If I may, could I point out where you are incorrect?? A genuine and authentic person would get a second....a third and a fourth date...it works both ways as there are as many fake women as their are fake men. Just as a job interview and the subsequent offer, you really don't know chit until about the six month mark anyways.

 

My advice, save your blood pressure and just date. Don't emotionally involve yourself and invest unless you know the other person is authentic and genuine. Don't play games, just don't commit until it's right for BOTH of you. And to play a little devil's advocate, you will know that when you don't have to be fake either.

[freebird31]

Actually that is not true. When the guys I when on dates with asked me questions I have always been honest and up front. Even if it's something imperfect about me. I'm always real. You get the hunch when someone is being fake or real. I would rather be honest and make sure the person likes the real me.

[SammySammy]

No, I don't agree.

 

Some people don't go out to impress other people. To prove themselves in hopes of getting something from the other person.

 

Some people go out to simply have a good time. To be sociable and have a great time with one person or a group of people.

 

That simple distinction changes the interaction. Takes the pressure off and, unsurprisingly, gives you a better chance of making a connection because you're communicating in a more natural way.

 

I purposely DO NOT try to prove myself on a date. Sure, I put my best foot foward and I'm on my best behavior, but both of you can relax if the intent of the excursion is obviously different.

[Methodical]

Until the past couple of years, hubs and I lived a rather conventional/traditional lifestyle. We ventured outside our comfort zones to expand our horizons. Without giving all the details explaining when, where, why, and how, suffice it to say I had my first encounter(s) with other women.

 

Other than projecting a self-confident image while navigating uncharted territory, I was 100% myself. My first RL meeting with another woman within a sexual context was unexpected, but our conversation was still casual and relaxed in nature. Looking back, the only thing that fell within an interview type realm was the vetting process, which was/is a necessity for the safety of all parties involved.

 

Discussing whether we lived or vacationed in the area, our favorite restaurants, what activities intrigued us most, etc. were things I found informative and engaging but nowhere close to an interview like process. No need to put on airs or create false impressions.

 

I think most everyone puts their best foot forward when meeting and there is a natural progression that leads to a more relaxed atmosphere as we get to know a person better. For me, nothing much changes tho because I don't build relationships on false pretenses.

 

For ppl who are painfully shy or socially awkward, I'm sure maintaining a conversation upon first meeting may result in a question and answer session because it's more structured and clinical.

[Toodaloo]

No, I don't agree.

 

Some people don't go out to impress other people. To prove themselves in hopes of getting something from the other person.

 

Some people go out to simply have a good time. To be sociable and have a great time with one person or a group of people.

 

That simple distinction changes the interaction. Takes the pressure off and, unsurprisingly, gives you a better chance of making a connection because you're communicating in a more natural way.

 

I purposely DO NOT try to prove myself on a date. Sure, I put my best foot foward and I'm on my best behavior, but both of you can relax if the intent of the excursion is obviously different.

 

I don't pretend any more. I am just myself and if they don't like me well that is just fine by me. I am not so desperate for sex or marriage etc that just anyone will do...

 

I like who I am and if they don't it doesn't bother me...

 

But I am confident most of the time. I have walked into job interviews straight from the workshop covered in grease. I told them before that I would be covered in grease and warned them but I also told them they would just have to accept me as I was if they wanted to employ me. Every time I have been myself I have got the guy or job I wanted. When I haven't I didn't. I figure the real me is better than the fake me.

[SammySammy]

I don't pretend any more. I am just myself and if they don't like me well that is just fine by me. I am not so desperate for sex or marriage etc that just anyone will do...

 

I like who I am and if they don't it doesn't bother me...

 

But I am confident most of the time. I have walked into job interviews straight from the workshop covered in grease. I told them before that I would be covered in grease and warned them but I also told them they would just have to accept me as I was if they wanted to employ me. Every time I have been myself I have got the guy or job I wanted. When I haven't I didn't. I figure the real me is better than the fake me.

 

I'm the same way.

 

Life changes when you don't need people's approval or validation. When they can be part of your life if they choose to, but if they don't it doesn't matter.

 

I'm whole and complete within myself. Comfortable and confident in that.

 

Like Popeye the Sailor would say, "I am what I am, and that's all that I am".

 

Love me or leave me.

[Toodaloo]

I'm the same way.

 

Life changes when you don't need people's approval or validation. When they can be part of your life if they choose to, but if they don't it doesn't matter.

 

I'm whole and complete within myself. Comfortable and confident in that.

 

Like Popeye the Sailor would say, "I am what I am, and that's all that I am".

 

Love me or leave me.

 

The irony of it is when I am on a job interview and I am just myself I usually get more money offered than the ones when I am putting on an act...

[phineas]

I only go on dates with women who text more that "lol" in response to my texts and can hold a conversation over the phone.

 

I don't care how hot they are, if they are boring or the type of woman who expects the guy to carry on both sides of the conversation i don't meet them.

 

So when I do meet a woman out it isn't really all that stressful.

 

 

it used to be when i first started dating cause id go out with anyone. LOL!

[joseb]

Maybe it's because I'm a bit older, and hopefully wiser, but I pretty much am myself from the start.

If a date felt like a job interview I would leave it.

I'm not out to impress or convince anyone, I'm out to have a nice time, and if we click then great.

 

But you are not the first person to think like that, seems to be a common problem these days.

[carolann]

I was nervous on most of my first dates but I didn't fake anything....I was myself. Sometimes there was a 2nd date sometimes not. I found first dates awkward until I went on my last one. I couldn't wait to see him again. Ended up marrying the guy 2.5 years later.

[Toodaloo]

Maybe it's because I'm a bit older, and hopefully wiser, but I pretty much am myself from the start.

If a date felt like a job interview I would leave it.

I'm not out to impress or convince anyone, I'm out to have a nice time, and if we click then great.

 

But you are not the first person to think like that, seems to be a common problem these days.

 

I think age does play a part in it.

 

When I was younger I was so eager to impress all the time. Now I am comfortable in my skin and don't really give a damn what anyone else thinks. Job interview, dates, new friends... If its to be it will be if its not then it won't be. So no point stressing. All of this stuff is a two way street. I might not like them. I might not want the job... I have a decision in this just as much as they do so why worry if they don't want me someone else will.

 

When I stress its for other reasons not do they want me or do they like me...

[Gaeta]

I totally disagree.

 

I have done close to 200 first-meet-over-coffee and majority of them were fun because I am a fun person and I seek fun people. If someone had been like a machine going through the motion he would never had gotten a first date to start with. If it had not been fun I would never had lasted 3,5 years online with so many meets.

 

No, my first meets were not like Interviews. I had already asked the important question online before meeting. I went to each meeting with a big smile on my face, a positive attitude and a bunch of funny stories to tell.

 

I am a born chatter box, I chat with strangers no problems. I'll have random conversation with strangers in elevators, grocery stores, doctor office, at garage, name it.

 

Being engaging is something you could and should learn.

[Miss Peach]

You're not being yourselves...neither of you are ...you're just saying what you think the other person wants to hear in the hopes of either:they'll have sex with you or maybe they'll want to go on a second and third date with you.

 

I love this advice about being genuine or authentic or being yourself is really just BS because everybody's being fake on these first dates or even second dates because we're worried about what the other person thinks of you.

 

Dating is really just a big waste of time and adding it's adding to your stress level and upping your blood pressure while making you miss out on other things that might be worthwhile in life. Don't you agree?

 

I disagree with you OP. I'm sure there are people who approach dating like you OP but I do my best to avoid them or weed them out.

 

I am a bit more reserved at first but I am myself. I don't want to waste time tying to fit a square peg into a round hole so there is no point to try to impress someone to get them to like me. We'll either match or we won't.

 

I try to approach it similar to how I would at any social gathering. Have fun with it. If you don't then it will show at some level.

 

I only go on dates with women who text more that "lol" in response to my texts and can hold a conversation over the phone.

 

I don't care how hot they are, if they are boring or the type of woman who expects the guy to carry on both sides of the conversation i don't meet them.

 

Same here. There are plenty of men who do the same thing. I try to screen them out.

[Porter56]

Well I guess it's just me then lol

 

I'm in my mid thirties and with the exception of someone I dated very briefly earlier this year, I have not dated since college. There's just no one that's come along. I do go out a lot. I play sports, travel a lot for my job, go to music shows, take improv classes, go to clubs/bars, continue my education(three college degrees so far)....I don't really meet anyone.

 

I'm not a "dating " person I suppose. When I am myself...social interactions go very bad. I just find many people boring and feel the need to liven up social gatherings by acting outlandishly because that's the only thing that prevents me from going crazy from boredom. "Oh you like cats? Oh you work in Insurance? Oh you like the same music I do? ZZZZZZZZZ"

 

Honestly though... I find it hard to even pay attention to people when they talk because I start thinking about other things that I'm more interested in. Socializing is a big pain.

[Miss Peach]

Honestly though... I find it hard to even pay attention to people when they talk because I start thinking about other things that I'm more interested in. Socializing is a big pain.

 

Sounds like you need t find people who are more interesting to you.

[Porter56]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm even human.

 

Psychologically speaking I'm different from everyone else. I don't have the correct thoughts or feelings or emotions. And I can't relate to humans on any level. For instance, most of what has been said on here doesn't resonate with me at all.

 

I'm aware that I most likely have a mental illness but don't worry... I self medicate with large amounts of alcohol lol...

[phineas]

 

 

 

Same here. There are plenty of men who do the same thing. I try to screen them out.

 

and i'm always myself.

my personality is flirty and sarcastic.

 

probably why most teachers just don't like me. lol.