I've never met a happy couple

[Popsicle]

^^yeah I'd agree that about 25% are ok or reasonably happy.

[preraph]

I have met very few happy couples myself. None of my friends who partnered up had happy relationships. In fact, I can't believe the amount of crap they put up with.

 

In my long lifetime, I had one high school girlfriend whose parents seemed to be placid and had a happy home, and yet they had some big problems, the woman being obese and diabetic and mostly chair or bedbound. But their family was always close and remained so.

 

The other happy couple was a client of mine who married a guy from her hometown but in her 30s. She had been living independently for years with a good job when they got together. They clicked, but he was one of those men who likes to take charge of everything, which she didn't think she could ever stand since she'd always done it all herself. But she adjusted to it and began to like it and rely on him and he totally takes care of her in ways she doesn't even need, and it freaks her out some, but she soon became kind of dependent on it. But at the same time, he travels some for work, so she gets breaks from it. But neither of them makes a move without consulting the other. But they seem to get along just fine and have two adopted children.

 

Now there's a rat in every woodpile and the one in theirs is when I first met her, she seemed very open minded but then they got involved with a church that sounded like a good church, and soon they mostly only socialized with people from the church. That was fine except next time I caught up with her, she had developed a lot of prejudices, rampant homophobia she'd never talked about before, that sort of thing. They finally left the church not because it did this to them but because it wasn't as homophobic as they were. I was totally shocked by it. I still send Christmas cards, but I don't know what happened to her. And I don't know for sure if they're still happy as a couple with these changes, but they are still together at least.

[dichotomy]

I have met very few happy couples myself. None of my friends who partnered up had happy relationships. In fact, I can't believe the amount of crap they put up with.

 

In my long lifetime, I had one high school girlfriend whose parents seemed to be placid and had a happy home, and yet they had some big problems, the woman being obese and diabetic and mostly chair or bedbound. But their family was always close and remained so.

 

 

Ya - I forgot to mention that example - marriages with serious health issues. I know two of those, very hard, especially when the marriages where not that great to begin with - then health strikes. In both instances the husbands did not take good care of their health and even after getting sick were hard to care for - so resentment was present by the wives since their husbands had a hand in their health failures.

 

Also one or two marriages - where there were major money issues - sometimes hidden from another partner. My wife came in with hidden money and other issues.

 

For better or worse right ?

Edited October 30, 2016 by dichotomy

[preraph]

I don't get lonely. I don't want kids. I'm just tired of people acting like you're a freak because you aren't conforming to what society wants from you.

 

If people would just be more honest about it and say "eh,it's not for everyone " or "marriage is about compromise and commitment and work " I'd be fine but that's not what people say. Everyone acts like it's something special and it's not. It's something society has constructed to keep people under control. Because I will admit that a society without marriage and family would be crazy but it's just not for me. And I'm tired of people acting like there's something wrong with me because I don't buy into the same BS that they do.

 

I totally agree with you. But I will just add two things I've learned about that. I used to run a childfree forum for those who didn't want kids, so I've heard all the stories. But here's two things to keep in mind:

 

I've been harassed less than most childfree people about it and it's because I'm a very strong presence and people instinctively seem to know not to F with me. Also, I have no remorse and if anyone did stick their nose in, I would tell them and it was true that I couldn't think of anyone I'd trade lives with. I did what I wanted with my life, especially in those earlier years when you're still expected to marry and have kids, and I was free to do whatever I wanted, and I did. Once an executive with a company I did business with while we were all out at a gig asked me why I wasn't married, and I said, "I'm having WAY too much fun to want to do that." And I mean, he had to know it was true. I was living the life.

 

Then I went about 30 years without anyone saying anything to me about it and then took a new job and two Hispanic sisters worked there, and one of them brought the subject up every day. They were both very young and already had multiple kids. One of them couldn't stand it that I didn't want kids or have kids. She still, after years, tries to avoid me, and that's because after being polite about it for a few months, I finally started making a point of telling her when I was leaving early for the day (part-time) that I was going to go out to eat, or go home and take a nap, or go hang out with a friend, none of which she would ever be free to do -- and she eventually shut her pie hole and now is just polite and otherwise avoids me.

 

But the other thing to remember is for every loud nosy self-righteous person who tries to make you feel bad for not living the same life they are living, there are many more people with kids whose mind is not on you at all and they have no reason to speak up to you on the subject because they do not care and are exactly as you described above, live and let live and tolerant. So don't get bitter thinking it's the majority. It's just like Trump followers: There aren't many but they're very loud.

[Springsummer]

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” ― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina.

[Els]

It's completely fine to be single, but why do you feel the need to try and put down other people in an attempt to justify your choice? You don't need to explain yourself to anyone, let alone in such a distasteful manner. Be proud of who you are - that involves not ****-talking other people who make different choices from you.

[GunslingerRoland]

Most of the couples I know are really happy, I think it's just the type of people I try to keep in my social circle.

[MJJean]

be myself? Whenever I am myself people don't like me and when I'm fake people seem to like me more. I see proof of this all over the place.

 

I can't speak from a woman's point of view as much. But I can't speak from a man's because I have known a lot of married men in my time. I have lived in several cities...many different geographical areas. So I think I have vast experience with this. What I see is men who act one way around their wives and children and a completely different person when their family isn't around.

 

You get them out and they start talking about things they wouldn't talk about around their wives. Music their wives hate. Movies their wives will never watch. How their wives don't have the same sense of humor as them. How their wives don't approve of this and don't approve of that. And this is usually followed by them expressing how they wish they could get out more and be around people they could just be themselves with. These are not isolated cases....these are dozens of people that I have known over the years. And I can't think of any one case where a man is the same around his wife as he is around his friends and does not admit in private with his buddies that he wishes he could get out more so that he could be more himself.

 

I have been married to DH for nearly 14 years and have none of the problems you list above for a very simple reason. We're actually compatible.

 

If you have to pretend to be someone or something you are not when you're with your spouse, you married the wrong person. This is not a problem with marriage, itself, but with poor mate selection.

 

The truth of the matter is that you cannot spend your entire life with someone. You cannot spend every day with someone. And not be fake.

 

Yes, you can. I've been doing it for 17 years. Again, it's about mate selection. Select a mate that loves the actual you.

 

At some point that person you're living with has expectations of you and you have to meet those expectations and by definition that is fake. Your spouse in a way becomes like an employer. And just like an employer if you do something wrong or do something that they do not approve of they tell you what you did wrong and how they would like you to behave in the future for their benefit. It's just like a job in which you are up for an annual performance review where they have expectations of you...how it is that you are filling their needs and how you should better perform your job if you wish to stay married/employed.

 

Of course marriage comes with obligations and expectations. All relationships do. However, there is a difference between meeting those expectations because you HAVE to and meeting those expectations because you WANT to, because meeting your spouses needs makes YOU happy.

 

For example, I know DH expects a decent dinner tonight. I may not want to cook, but I do love how happy my cooking makes him and I love to watch him appreciate the food I made. Nothing fake about it. He knows I don't feel like cooking. He also knows I will because making him happy makes me happy.

 

I could keep going on but I can sense people reading this are bored and already very very much in disagreement with me so I'll stop.

 

I think that may be because a lot of us are actually happily married.

 

What I really wanted to say is whenever I am with my true self around people it and never ever goes well. I end up saying something that offends someone something that insults them and I end up making more enemies than friends. When I put on a nice happy face and him and pleasant with people basically I am being fake this is when I'm able to make friends and socializing goes much better for me.

 

Perhaps you need to learn how to honestly communicate in a different way. Phrasing and timing matter. You can learn to be genuine in a way that is more palatable.

 

At the end of the day, though, the trick is finding someone who is into the real you.

 

At the end of the day I guess perception is reality for most people. And people will just tell them selves whatever they need to to get through the day and tell themselves that they're happy and eventually they just believe it and they go on that way so I guess that does count for something because after all if we were all just out there being ourselves we would live in anarchy and chaos. So I guess I do realize how wrong I am in this area.

 

I'm sure a lot of married people out there are making the best of it for various reasons. There are also a lot of people who actually are happy with their choice.

 

Something I have noticed watching marriages is that sometimes the marriage takes the fall for a problem in another area of life.

 

For example, a man complaining he wishes he had more time to be himself might be perfectly happy with his choice of spouse, but unhappy with how much of his day is spent working and taking care of his share of household responsibilities. Being married gets the blame when venting, but the reality is that he'd have to work and do household chores if he were single and he knows that. He doesn't want to change his life, he is just feeling nostalgic for a time before adult responsibility when he was free to goof off and do whatever.

[basil67]

You get them out and they start talking about things they wouldn't talk about around their wives. Music their wives hate. Movies their wives will never watch. How their wives don't have the same sense of humor as them. How their wives don't approve of this and don't approve of that. And this is usually followed by them expressing how they wish they could get out more and be around people they could just be themselves with. These are not isolated cases....these are dozens of people that I have known over the years. And I can't think of any one case where a man is the same around his wife as he is around his friends and does not admit in private with his buddies that he wishes he could get out more so that he could be more himself.

 

Ok, I'd be lying if I said my friends hadn't sometimes grumbled about being tied down with kids. Or about how their husbands can't find anything on their own. Or that the in-laws are driving them crazy. They may wish they were able to go travel more. Personally, I complain sometimes about being a special needs mother.

 

But this is just random grumbling about the compromises one has to make when married. Having a grumble now and then doesn't necessarily mean that a person is unhappily married.

 

I doubt that there is a person on earth (single or married) who is 100% happy with all facets of their life. Despite this, they still enjoy the life they have.

[Leigh 87]

I've noticed the same thing. Many married people seem to be miserable. They just settled for someone and they are tolerating them because ... I guess that's what they think they are supposed to do. When they are able to talk privately and candidly, the men and women rarely have anything nice to say about their marriages.

 

What's funny is seeing my friends talk about how great their wife is on Facebook, but dread going home when we go out. Then there are those guys that golf or fish all the time. Or whatever their hobby is. It's like they do whatever they can to spend as little time as possible around the woman they claim to love.

 

That's why I decided to be honest with myself. I know I'm hard to live with. Know that I get bored easily. Know that I have options. Though I could be married if I wanted to be, FWBs work best for me right now.

 

Why get married for the sake of being married when you don't have to be or want to be married?

 

All the men I know are the same ! They even admit that yay, they cherish time away from their partners soooo much.. one admitted he was with her because she is a good catch and he won't likely be as hot if a woman again:sick:

 

Only me and my one friend had the crazy passionate Insta chemistry with men we are crazy about and who are mutually just as into us. And my parents are very happy and always have been.

 

Far more have I seen AND been that girl who attracts the greatest chemistry with primarily unbalanced men, and zero or mediocre chemistry with the stable and reliable ones:lmao:

Or the men who fell head over heels for miss crazy and ended up settling for a woman who was right for them yet they had no amazing chemistry with.... most men either fall head over heels with women out of their league or who are crazy, or they bypass the crazy passionate feelings for miss compatible too. Men and women ultimately get the amazing chemistry with someone so wrong or, they never fail to meet very compatible people who do not repulse them and they could grow to be sexually into yet they fail to give it a shot.

 

I totally agree with the OP. Most couples didn't fall head over heels or share wild animal attraction or the chemistry where you day dream about them and cannot wait until you can kiss them again. Most of us have to settle for a partner without the crazy in love feelings in the end if we want companionship.

 

I was happily resigned to being single as I felt it was less drama and allowed me more freedom to be open to true love.