I've never met a happy couple

[xxoo]

What is marriage about if not happiness, friendship, and family?

 

Marriage is predominantly about family, imo.

 

But no, I don't think that marriage is about happiness. Ideally, families support each other through life's trials, and share each other's joys. But life is going to have trials and joys, married or not.

 

Life is a rollercoaster, and marriage is the car you ride in and company you keep while on the rollercoaster. If the car is broken, or the person in the car with you is a jerk, it's going to make the rollercoaster ride that much more difficult. But even in a solid car with supportive company, you still have to handle the rollercoaster ride.

[waterwoman]

I guess the people you know are not happy in themselves. Then they demand their partners fill in the gap. That's not possible or healthy. Get happy, healthy and fulfilled and magically you will be part of a happy couple! Amazing isn't it?

[RedBaron2765]

We're friends with a couple who seemed to be the perfect couple - both attractive people with two attractive kids. Great sex life (at least that's what she told my wife and other friends), he made good money.

 

Couple of years ago, find out that he was having an affair with a colleague and has ended up moving in with her. Kids can't stand him now.

 

As for my marriage, I'm only in it now for the kids. Our sex life is non-existent, IMO wife is lazy and immature, and I like it better when she's not around and it's just the kids and me doing stuff (and if she has the kids for a day, she makes it a point to tell me how hard she had it, whereas I never complain).

 

Trust me - I'd be much happier single. Already getting no sex so that's no change, no nagging/immature wife, no PITA siblings-in-law to deal with, no money worries. I could go somewhere for a few hours without having to come home to have my wife bitch about how the kids are driving her nuts.

[sandylee1]

I'm sorry you have so many miserable couples around you. I think you probably just hear them venting to be honest.

 

I'm happy in my marriage and I wouldn't want to be single. The single people I know wish they were in a relationship and I've seen them cry and pray for a partner.

 

My husband is easy going, intelligent, hard working and fun loving. That's not to say he's perfect or that I might not mention him annoying me by thinking he's always right.

 

There's a difference between a bit of a moan and being miserable.

 

All those miserable people would be devastated if their spouse asked for a divorce believe me. If they were truly miserable they would jump for joy otherwise.

 

I've also known married people to moan more around single people ... so the single people don't feel so bad.

 

Something similar happened when we (group of lafues) talking about kids ... two of the group don't have kids and one is single (aged 43 so I can't see kids happening) . So one friend suddenly realised and started saying what a headache the kids could be and how draining they were. It was just to make the other two not feel so bad.

 

 

Misery loves company as well.

 

I can't stand negativity and miserable people.

Edited October 28, 2016 by sandylee1
Eta

[Herbalist]

I am surrounded with happily married couples whether they've been married 5 years or 25 years or 50 years like my parents.

 

I believe when children grow up in unhappy households they grow up believing this is the norm and themselves will endure an unhappy marriage and so their siblings. Then they end up like you, surrounded by unhappy couples.

 

I somewhat agree though I think there is hope through successful therapy with a good therapist. Though even that can be hard to find in itself. But I have definitely experienced and also seen many cases of people who grew up in toxic families and then do not know how to have non-toxic relations.

 

My brother and I, our parents were always fighting and abusive to each other and to us all the time and got divorced when we were young teens. Out mother is very passive aggressive and manipulative and likes to start ****, and our father was the raving drunk violent cheater type (he is now dead anyway, drank himself to death basically but guess people are safer for it so oh well).

 

So my it is interesting how my brother has married a woman who has many good qualities and I do like her quite a bit. Plus they seem happy in general. But man oh man she has the same traits as our mother when she is in a mood. Starts ****, slamming doors, passive aggressive and makes my brother feel like he is walking on eggshells in his own house. Just like our mother did to us often. I talk with him about it once in a while just to check in and make sure he is okay and see how he feels about it. I don't like him being treated that way but it is also his life and his choice.

 

I also have no idea how to have a "healthy" relationship as they say so I guess I have mostly stayed single to play it safe ha.

[RecentChange]

Have you heard that birds of a feather flock together?

 

I'm happily married. We don't spend much leisure time around miserable couples, or people who complain about their spouses. And they don't spend much time around us; they gravitate toward people they relate to.

 

I know a lot of happy couples.

 

I agree - bird of a feather. I know many happy couples. They far out number the unhappy couples I know. They are married (or in LTR) to their best friends, they are committed to each other, they share many joys and adventures. They have full lives, which are made even fuller by sharing it with the one they love the most.

 

Its not about settling and compromise, but enriching their lives.

 

 

Or they're reading their romance novels or watching Twilight movies or Fifty Shades of Grey wondering "why isn't the man that I'm with a sexy vampire or a handsome billionaire". And in their head they're saying "If only my husband or boyfriend were more like that I would be happier."

 

I don't know anyone who thinks like this - not my friends at least!

 

Maybe its because our group as a whole has married later. Most after 30. The few who have decided to have kids (I am in a child free marriage, as are several of my friends) waited until they were in their 30's, established in their relationship and careers.

 

Another item of note - many of my friends have parents who have pretty good marriages. While my own folks split when I was young - my dad remarrried, and his now 28 year marriage has been an absolute example.

 

They are partners, best friends, enjoy each other so much, go on trips and adventures all the time. Support each other through highs and lows. I know both of them are so happy to have each other.

[Got it]

I would say that we were blissfully happy and easy going until this year. Having a high needs baby with health issues throughout her first year and pervasive sleep deprivation has definitely put a strain on our relationship, patience and ability to see the positive of the day.

 

But that doesn't mean we aren't happy. We are just bone weary tired which colors everything! Shoot sleep deprivation can trigger post partum depression even a year out.

 

But, for us, we keep coming back together, working as a team, trying to appreciate the other even if it is as simple as getting them Starbucks (and let's be honest some times the happiest part of the day is the Starbucks arrival )

 

Life is hard and it has it's ups and downs and couples fight and make up. I think a good number of people keep complacent and stop appreciating what they have. They get lazy. Whether someone is happy is really up to them. Some people are just not happy people no matter what is going on in their lives and some just like to complain.

 

My childhood best friend LOVES to complain, will complain about her husband, I struggle at times to understand their relationship and what keeps them together, but then they keep going on so I trust that there is more there than just the complaints. But some people like to bond over the negative.

 

To each their own. I just nod my head.

[Grumpybutfun]

People who can be happy in the storms can be happy in the sunshine...together or apart. Like does attract like and though opposites may attract, one of them usually steals the umbrella and moans about the rain all the time.

 

I'm happy married, happy with my kids, and I was a happy single man too. The people who aren't aggregates of misery are usually the ones who choose to see the cup half full and accept that life has mountains and valleys and lets go of fairytale expectations.

 

The best things in life are the incredibly magical things like your baby getting through a medical scare or watching your bride walk down the aisle to be your wife. Yet, most of the time it is about the random stuff like holding your wife close smelling her hair, or winning a marathon you didn't expect to win because you ar older than the other runners, or watching your son come back from conflicts in Afghanistan still smiling.

 

I think we happy marrieds also tend to spend an inordinate amount of time with just our families. I have friends and family, but my favorite people are my wife and kids and grandkids.

Best,

Grumps

[Tayla]

Since I have a fear of marriage... it ruins my single mentality of being free to do without "checking in"...

 

I can say my friends who made it thru the child rearing years and are now entering the mid years of life...are falling in like all over again. It's marvelously magical. I adore seeing them going thru the second honeymoon phase. And strangely they don't bicker...they joke and love being together. They like one another and every now and again....they give one another those glances...that unspoken words validate...

 

I still don't want the marriage commitment ....but I do so admire those who can be with the other and be endearing ... it's confirmation that ppl can love...flaws . And all

[xxoo]

 

I think we happy marrieds also tend to spend an inordinate amount of time with just our families. I have friends and family, but my favorite people are my wife and kids and grandkids.

Best,

Grumps

 

That's very true for me, too

[Porter56]

I'm just weird I guess. But none of the descriptions of marriage sounds appealing to me. I can provide for myself financially and I also don't require emotional support to get me through things in life so I don't know what I would do in a relationship. I feel like it would crush me as a person. I spend all day working...I don't want to come home to something that makes me work also.

 

Marriage is like a second job. It crushes your freedom. When I get home at the end of the day I just want to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want without having to get permission from someone. I don't want my dinner to be a joint decision, I want to go where I please and do as I please. If I feel like getting up and going to have a beer, go work out, go for a drive or whatever... I want to just go and do it and not have to tell someone what I'm or ask for permission to. I'm a grown man... I don't need someone holding me back, nagging me and being annoyed with me.

 

But that's just me...I seem to be at odds with the whole human race lol

[Buddhist]

I'm just replying to the OP, since i haven't read the rest.

 

In general, people tend to use relationships as a way to get happy or fulfill something in their life they think is missing. This is never a good idea because other people are sentient beings not an accessory to our life that's going to fulfill our wishes. Once I stopped looking at other people as the bearers of my fulfillment I simultaneously lost all interest in relationships.

 

Sharing your life experience with another person on a semi-permanent basis is hard. You have to see in the other person all those things you'd rather not look at and realise that the person before you is not the person you thought they were. You have to deal with that disappointment and then the real work begins, learning to appreciate someone who is disappointing in many ways. Just as they must do the same with you. Most people are unprepared for that journey, or think that journey is a sign that something is wrong and then look for someone less challenging.

 

I've come to the conclusion for myself that sharing my life with someone full time probably isn't for me. Having a relationship is also very low on my list of priorities. The last time I felt attraction for someone, it was very short lived and I realised quickly that actually I'm not very attached to this person at all. This point of view really arrived hand in hand with the realisation that my fulfillment lies within me, not outside of me.

[RecentChange]

It's interesting to see the perspectives on relationships from those who have struggled to have lasting meaningful relationships vs. those who have had enjoyable long term relationships.

 

I can't say my spouse isn't the person I thought he was, or that I have been disappointed in him. Nor do I see these qualities in the good relationships I see in my social circle.

 

Further, I don't think of these couples as unfilled people who were searching to plug a hole by adding an SO to their life.

 

One thing I can say about the happy couples I know that come to mind.

 

They were out there playing the dating game. They weren't looking for "the one", they didn't have a part of their life that needed to be filled....

 

I mentioned my father, he was a single dad, and really not looking to get married again. But he met my step mom at one of my riding competitions, she was immediately smitten, and after some prodding he agreed to a date. They were married 6 months later - that was 1993.

 

My best friend has a great marriage - she married my other good friend. They met quite young, just 19 years old. After sharing their lives together for 10 years, traveling the world, building a business, they officially got married. They have been together 19 years now, are quite happy, and have a 4 year old daughter.

 

My other good friend, she said marriage would never be for her. A free spirit out there having fun, dating casually, until she met Brian while we were all out at a concert - and he turned her world upside down. They have been together for 13 years now, just welcomed their first child into the world.

 

I do know a few people who have been doing the on line dating thing, desperately looking for "the one" as we are now in our mid 30's and it almost seems like "panicked time" - I can't say it has been going that well for this group as a whole - they are looking to fulfill a part of their life that seems lacking. They are looking for a partner as if it was a job.

 

For me, many of my happily married friends (including my sister, 18 years married, brother 21 years) it just "happened". Someone came into their life when they weren't really looking.

 

When I met my husband, I had no intention of getting into a serious relationship - but suddenly there he was, a person that I click with on more levels than I ever imagined.

[michaelm700]

Nothing is 100% perfect. That's just unrealistic. But everyone dreams of greener grass, that will always happen, just human nature.

 

I think complaining of such things is a way of expressing this dreamy position. But in general I don't think long term relationships are miserable because, although not perfect, each is getting something bottom line positive from it. This of course, bars mental health issues such as co-dependence or low self-esteem, but that's another thread.

 

I think we have to look at the bottom line.

[sandylee1]

I'm just weird I guess. But none of the descriptions of marriage sounds appealing to me. I can provide for myself financially and I also don't require emotional support to get me through things in life so I don't know what I would do in a relationship. I feel like it would crush me as a person. I spend all day working...I don't want to come home to something that makes me work also.

 

Marriage is like a second job. It crushes your freedom. When I get home at the end of the day I just want to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want without having to get permission from someone. I don't want my dinner to be a joint decision I want to go where I please and do as I please. If I feel like getting up and going to have a beer, go work out, go for a drive or whatever... I want to just go and do it and not have to tell someone what I'm or ask for permission to. I'm a grown man... I don't need someone holding me back, nagging me and being annoyed with me.

 

But that's just me...I seem to be at odds with the whole human race lol

 

Marriage isn't for everybody.

 

..My dad had a friend who liked women, but said he wasn't ever going to marry. He liked going out, drinking and realised no woman would want to put up with that crap. There are many like him, but they go on to marry and wonder why it doesn't work.

 

However, I'm married and I do what I want. It doesn't crush my freedom. I don't seek permission from my husband to go anywhere or do anything and I eat what I want when I want.

 

I go on girl's weekends. He goes away with the guys. We both go out when we want. We let each other know, but it's not asking permission.

 

I was done asking permission once I left my parent's house.

 

Perhaps all the things I want are sensible and reasonable

 

. Obviously if I wanted to go clubbing everynight or bring men home, then I wouldn't expect my husband to be okay with that.

 

I wonder what kind of marriages youve seen to have that view.

[Woggle]

Marriage doesn't have to crush your freedom unless you let it. The problem with some men is that they don't take time to get to know the woman they are marrying and when she starts making demands they give in to keep the peace then the give in more and more until they are an emasculated shell of a man married to a woman who actually loathes him in large part because he gives in. Always respect yourself and respect any woman you choose and the chances of you ending up in this situation greatly decrease.

[OpenBook]

I'm just weird I guess. But none of the descriptions of marriage sounds appealing to me. I can provide for myself financially and I also don't require emotional support to get me through things in life so I don't know what I would do in a relationship. I feel like it would crush me as a person. I spend all day working...I don't want to come home to something that makes me work also.

 

Marriage is like a second job. It crushes your freedom. When I get home at the end of the day I just want to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want without having to get permission from someone. I don't want my dinner to be a joint decision, I want to go where I please and do as I please. If I feel like getting up and going to have a beer, go work out, go for a drive or whatever... I want to just go and do it and not have to tell someone what I'm or ask for permission to. I'm a grown man... I don't need someone holding me back, nagging me and being annoyed with me.

 

But that's just me...I seem to be at odds with the whole human race lol

 

Then I'll join you in that. I remember toward the end of my own brief (3-year) marriage, experiencing an overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia and the accompanying panic that sets in when you can't breathe. I had thoroughly embraced the "two becoming one" concept of marriage, and it totally backfired on me. Many marriage experts say a healthy marriage is a balance of interdependencies. I guess I didn't get the memo; haven't been able to figure that one out, or achieve it.

[Springsummer]

I'm just replying to the OP, since i haven't read the rest.

 

In general, people tend to use relationships as a way to get happy or fulfill something in their life they think is missing. This is never a good idea because other people are sentient beings not an accessory to our life that's going to fulfill our wishes. Once I stopped looking at other people as the bearers of my fulfillment I simultaneously lost all interest in relationships.

 

Sharing your life experience with another person on a semi-permanent basis is hard. You have to see in the other person all those things you'd rather not look at and realise that the person before you is not the person you thought they were. You have to deal with that disappointment and then the real work begins, learning to appreciate someone who is disappointing in many ways. Just as they must do the same with you. Most people are unprepared for that journey, or think that journey is a sign that something is wrong and then look for someone less challenging.

 

I've come to the conclusion for myself that sharing my life with someone full time probably isn't for me. Having a relationship is also very low on my list of priorities. The last time I felt attraction for someone, it was very short lived and I realised quickly that actually I'm not very attached to this person at all. This point of view really arrived hand in hand with the realisation that my fulfillment lies within me, not outside of me.

 

um...very illuminating.

 

I don't see how it can work for me too.

 

but...don't we feel lonely sometimes and want someone to care about or someone care about us? Don't we want to have children? Children make us feel renewal and they are like the extensions of our lives.

 

It also makes you feel abnormal living in this society alone. Many people just automatically assume you are married and have kids, like people just automatically said 'your husband', 'your kids'. I HATE HATE it! Are these people crazy?

[Porter56]

I don't get lonely. I don't want kids. I'm just tired of people acting like you're a freak because you aren't conforming to what society wants from you.

 

If people would just be more honest about it and say "eh,it's not for everyone " or "marriage is about compromise and commitment and work " I'd be fine but that's not what people say. Everyone acts like it's something special and it's not. It's something society has constructed to keep people under control. Because I will admit that a society without marriage and family would be crazy but it's just not for me. And I'm tired of people acting like there's something wrong with me because I don't buy into the same BS that they do.

[heartwhole]

I can't speculate why other people would find a dearth of fulfilling marriages. Is it confirmation bias? Are one's friends a reflection of the sort of person one is? I can't say. But I have had the opposite experience.

 

Many couples I know are happy. My parents were happily married for 41 years until my dad's death. They would take the sofa cushions off and spoon, they would hold hands, they laughed, they rarely fought. Of my two siblings, I think one struggles to have a happy marriage, while the other is similar to my parents'. I came here due to my husband's infidelity, but it was the manifestation of a low point in our marriage. Throughout our 18 years together, and again today, we have been connected, happy, best friends and lovers. Most of our friends appear happy and connected.

 

Here's what Rumi had to say on this in the 13th Century:

 

 

 

 

"Their Secret Was" by Jalal al-Din Rumi, 1207 - 1273

 

A married couple used to come see me once in

a while. Among the many I knew who were wed,

they appeared the most happy.

 

One day I said to them, “What marital advice

could you offer to others that might help them

achieve the grace you found?”

 

And the young woman blushed and so did her

husband; so I did not press them to answer.

But I knew.

 

Their secret was this: That once every day, for

an hour, they treated each other as if they were

gods and would, with all their heart, do anything,

anything, their beloved desired.

 

Sometimes that just meant holding hands and

walking in a forest that renewed their souls.

[Quiet Storm]

I don't get lonely. I don't want kids. I'm just tired of people acting like you're a freak because you aren't conforming to what society wants from you.

 

If people would just be more honest about it and say "eh,it's not for everyone " or "marriage is about compromise and commitment and work " I'd be fine but that's not what people say. Everyone acts like it's something special and it's not. It's something society has constructed to keep people under control. Because I will admit that a society without marriage and family would be crazy but it's just not for me. And I'm tired of people acting like there's something wrong with me because I don't buy into the same BS that they do.

 

 

You just have to get over that. You need to get to point where you don't give a crap what other people think.

 

Who cares if they think there's something wrong with you? You know they're wrong, so don't sweat it.

 

You are actually giving "society" more power by allowing it to bother you.

 

My marriage is special even if you don't think so! See, why would I concern myself with what YOU think about my marriage? Get yourself in the same mindset. Why should you concern yourself with what someone thinks about your life?

 

My marriage is actually unconventional (according to society) because I'm white and my husband's black. We got married back in the 90s when it wasn't very common. If we had been concerned with what people thought, we'd have only been hurting ourselves.

 

Lots of people don't fit society's idea of normal. Like LGBT, for example.

 

You can wish society was different all day, but you aren't going to change society. The only thing you can change is your reaction to it.

 

Be yourself, don't care what people think and live your life for you.

 

Our oldest son sounds like you. He doesn't want to have to consider another person when making choices, whether it's what to eat for dinner, what to do, etc. I would never push him to get married because I know he wouldn't be happy and I know he wouldn't make a good husband. It's a perfectly valid lifestyle. Don't apologize for it and stay true to yourself

 

 

.

Edited October 29, 2016 by Quiet Storm

[waterwoman]

 

If people would just be more honest about it and say "eh,it's not for everyone " or "marriage is about compromise and commitment and work " I'd be fine but that's not what people say.

 

OK. i'll say it "marriage is about compromise and commitment and work". There! Better? Because it's true. Just like anything worth doing is requires all those things. But for many of us the result of that is worth the things we invest in it. Do I demand my marriage makes me happy? Nope. I demand my marriage offers me stability and security and love. I can build my happiness on top of that foundation.

[basil67]

Yes, marriage involves compromise, commitment and work. I will also add respect. But these are the foundations. Once you get them in place and do them automatically, the rest of marriage is the easy, enjoyable bit. Just like a house, you enjoy the main part and really don't have to think about the foundations.

[Porter56]

be myself? Whenever I am myself people don't like me and when I'm fake people seem to like me more. I see proof of this all over the place.

 

I can't speak from a woman's point of view as much. But I can't speak from a man's because I have known a lot of married men in my time. I have lived in several cities...many different geographical areas. So I think I have vast experience with this. What I see is men who act one way around their wives and children and a completely different person when their family isn't around.

 

You get them out and they start talking about things they wouldn't talk about around their wives. Music their wives hate. Movies their wives will never watch. How their wives don't have the same sense of humor as them. How their wives don't approve of this and don't approve of that. And this is usually followed by them expressing how they wish they could get out more and be around people they could just be themselves with. These are not isolated cases....these are dozens of people that I have known over the years. And I can't think of any one case where a man is the same around his wife as he is around his friends and does not admit in private with his buddies that he wishes he could get out more so that he could be more himself.

 

The truth of the matter is that you cannot spend your entire life with someone. You cannot spend every day with someone. And not be fake.

 

At some point that person you're living with has expectations of you and you have to meet those expectations and by definition that is fake. Your spouse in a way becomes like an employer. And just like an employer if you do something wrong or do something that they do not approve of they tell you what you did wrong and how they would like you to behave in the future for their benefit. It's just like a job in which you are up for an annual performance review where they have expectations of you...how it is that you are filling their needs and how you should better perform your job if you wish to stay married/employed.

 

I could keep going on but I can sense people reading this are bored and already very very much in disagreement with me so I'll stop.

 

What I really wanted to say is whenever I am with my true self around people it and never ever goes well. I end up saying something that offends someone something that insults them and I end up making more enemies than friends. When I put on a nice happy face and him and pleasant with people basically I am being fake this is when I'm able to make friends and socializing goes much better for me.

 

At the end of the day I guess perception is reality for most people. And people will just tell them selves whatever they need to to get through the day and tell themselves that they're happy and eventually they just believe it and they go on that way so I guess that does count for something because after all if we were all just out there being ourselves we would live in anarchy and chaos. So I guess I do realize how wrong I am in this area.

[dichotomy]

OP,

 

While your thread seems simplistic and very sexist (I am a man who carried much of the marriage and home issue thank you and I still get little sex)...I do agree with your general title of this thread.

 

Many marriages I know are unhappy or have settled into accepting difficult losses. I know people married to alcoholics, abusers, cheaters, I know many sexless or very low sex couples (who husbands still do chores thank you). cold wives, absent husbands (business or activities), and so much more.

 

In fact I simply don't know a single marriage where the couple seems really happy. Can't remember even seeing a married couple showing any affection in public - holding hands, touching, hogging. I do however see good parents - people working together to treat their kids well and lovingly - so thats good.

 

If we say half of all marriages end - and maybe half that do stay married - are unhappy - your dealing with what - maybe 25% that are ok or reasonably happy?

 

Monogamy and marriage don't drive passion and desire to please for many women and men. Marriage is hard work.

 

That said when I look at the sum of my own marriage - except for sexual issues - my marriage seems more functional than most - which I try to focus on.

Edited October 30, 2016 by dichotomy