CristinaKass Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Hi everyone, I’m extremely lost right now, I have no idea what to do, so I would truly appreciate any help you guys can provide me. My story: 2-and-a-half-year relationship. I’m 24 and he is 25. Very close couple, had fights now and then but we always figured out how to resolved everything. We went to LDR on August, he moved out to another country because of his work, I couldn’t move with him right away, and we had plans of seeing each other again in December, when I was supposed to move in with him permanently. I believe he was too stressful about everything because he was acting very distance to me, so I told him, we fought, he ended up breaking up with me. I went NC right away. Like 4 days after our break up I found out he was seeing another girl, a rebound of course, she is the very opposite of me, they immediately posted on Facebook that they were dating, uploading pictures of “how happy and in love they were” after a week he introduced her to his family (his mom and sister traveled to his new city to visit him) so this new “relationship” has all the sings of a rebound. I followed NC very well, I entered the gym, start talking to other people, I got a new haircut (very long hair to short hair) and after about 32 days of NC I sent my first text. I’m using MICHAEL FIORE TEXT YOUR EX BACK. I sent a very casual across the bow text about a TV show that we used to watch together…. He replied to me in like seconds with a sad emoji and saying “I’m so sorry for everything, I never wanted to hurt you” and I replied “hey, its ok, I just thought of you because of the TV show and it made me smile, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad” … then he said things to me like “I’m not happy, I know you will find a man how will respect you and love you like I couldn’t do it”.. and stuff like that. We texted almost all day and the 2 days after that. He complained about his new girlfriend, that he wasn’t happy, that she was kind of an alcoholic party girl and he wasn’t used to that kind of woman, (she is older than him I think she is 26 or 27) and that he doesn’t see a future in this relationship and I was like “why are you with her then?” and he replied “I don’t know, because I’m crazy) – He kind of had a very difficult childhood so he and his sister both because of family issues they kind of have self-esteem troubles and they don’t like to be alone so HE feels I abandoned him by not moving with him at the same time – But he is an amazing man and we just clicked. So… he texts me that he misses me, and good mornings texts, he even sent me a picture with a crying emoji of a handwritten letter I gave him when he moved out, stuff like that. Sometimes he texts me very flirty texts and when I replied he stops texting and I don’t text back before he starts the conversation again which drives me insane haha. And he also texted me the other day complaining about his girlfriend because she yelled at him and she was very disrespectful to him she even yelled at him stuff like son of a bitch (which to me is insane they have been dating for only a month now) and they had a fight. And he was very mad about it he t old me everything with details and I didn’t know what to do so I was very supportive I guess. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to go to the FRIENDZONE obviously and sometimes I feel that when he complains about his GF to me, or any kind of trouble he has. Obviously he trusts me a lot we had like a – lovers, brother-sister (take care of each other), best friends – kind of relationship so we trust each other at the point that we can talk about EVERYTHING. I don’t know what to do, I want HIM to see ME as a potential partner again, with a new and better relationship. Please, can you give me advices in what steps I can follow to achieve that? Why is he complaining so much about his GF but he doesn’t leave her?
Jersey born raised Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Tell him the contact needs to end, it was a mistake. My college ex-fiancé did the same for a bit. I told her contacting me was wrong because I still loved her and wanted her. That unless she was asking to reconcile calling me was using me, I told her she needed to make a decsion and what ever she decided to be well. I never spoke to her again and while 40 years later a part of me mourns the loss I am content with the outcome. Be well 1
MsJayne Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 My take would be to back off and stop being the shoulder that he cries on because you're providing a support system for him which enables him to carry on in his current dysfunctional relationship. By refusing to listen to him bitching about his new girlfriend you will achieve two things, 1. If you're forthright and a little bit mean and tell him to stop moaning to you, he will find a new respect for you, and 2. If he has no one to moan to it's likely that relationship will implode much quicker. If you're meant to be together he will be back at some stage in the future and he'll have learned a valuable lesson, and if you're not meant to be together just the fact that you've refused to be used as a crying shoulder will be a little empowering for you and help you move forward. Good luck. 1
Author CristinaKass Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 Tell him the contact needs to end, it was a mistake. My college ex-fiancé did the same for a bit. I told her contacting me was wrong because I still loved her and wanted her. That unless she was asking to reconcile calling me was using me, I told her she needed to make a decsion and what ever she decided to be well. I never spoke to her again and while 40 years later a part of me mourns the loss I am content with the outcome. Be well Hey, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I've been really tempted to do that, but I'm scared because when he told me he was sorry he also said he realized he wasnt good enough for me, that he wasnt at the same "level" as me. Which I told him of course he was wrong, there is no "level" and that we walked beside each other side, not in the back or in front. So, I'm scared if I do that he would just stop talking to me because he feels insecure?
Author CristinaKass Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 My take would be to back off and stop being the shoulder that he cries on because you're providing a support system for him which enables him to carry on in his current dysfunctional relationship. By refusing to listen to him bitching about his new girlfriend you will achieve two things, 1. If you're forthright and a little bit mean and tell him to stop moaning to you, he will find a new respect for you, and 2. If he has no one to moan to it's likely that relationship will implode much quicker. If you're meant to be together he will be back at some stage in the future and he'll have learned a valuable lesson, and if you're not meant to be together just the fact that you've refused to be used as a crying shoulder will be a little empowering for you and help you move forward. Good luck. Thank you, I see the point of doing that, somehow I am helping this new girl because he can cry on my shoulder and he cant do that with her, right? Like I sadi to Jersey born raised above, I'm a lil bit scared of doing that HAHA, let me see if I understood it. Should I just go back NC for another 30 days or so, or should I tell him to stop complaining with me about his relationship? Should I reply to his texts about other things? 1
Jersey born raised Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 A coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave once. Be brave, send it. If he does not have the courage to say I want us then let him go. If he chooses us come back and ask how to rebuild. 1
MsJayne Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 (edited) Thank you, I see the point of doing that, somehow I am helping this new girl because he can cry on my shoulder and he cant do that with her, right? Like I sadi to Jersey born raised above, I'm a lil bit scared of doing that HAHA, let me see if I understood it. Should I just go back NC for another 30 days or so, or should I tell him to stop complaining with me about his relationship? Should I reply to his texts about other things? Yes, that's right, you are helping her! I wouldn't go no contact, but I would tell him, firmly, that you're not interested in listening to him moan about his new girlfriend, you're not interested in his new girlfriend full stop. By doing that you're dismissing her as unimportant and that will diminish his perception of her a little, which will create further doubt in his mind about his relationship with her. Also, for the time being, try to stay away from talking about your relationship with him as much as you can, so you're creating enough distance to make him feel not quite so buddy-buddy with you, interfere with his perception of how much you loved him. He's pretty young, maybe needed to see if the grass was greener and it's turning out not to be, so if you can just be there hovering in the background but refusing to be used, you never know what might happen. Normally I don't ever recommend playing head-games with someone, or being mean to another girl, but from your OP I suspect that he was seeing this girl before he even broke up with you, that was why he was distant, and that means all's fair in the quest to win him back. Like I said, he's young, he might just be making a silly mistake before he realises where he really wants to be. If he doesn't come back to you, you will at least have had the satisfaction of refusing to be used. Edited October 28, 2016 by MsJayne 1
Author CristinaKass Posted October 28, 2016 Author Posted October 28, 2016 thank you both! I haven't said anything about not being interested in listening about his new relationship's troubles, he hasn't texted anything about her today, but he's been texting me all day about work and stuff like that, he just takes so long to text back sometimes and I end up talking alone. I don't know how to continue a conversation. First days of texting when he told me how he felt and that he misses me and stuff were AMAIZING but now, its just really stupids texts and meaningless conversations. PLEASE i need advice on what to do, I want him to be interested in me. Advices in texting a LDR in my case? Did i ruin my chances of getting him back by talking about his new gf and by supporting him in his relationships troubles?
MsJayne Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 thank you both! I haven't said anything about not being interested in listening about his new relationship's troubles, he hasn't texted anything about her today, but he's been texting me all day about work and stuff like that, he just takes so long to text back sometimes and I end up talking alone. I don't know how to continue a conversation. First days of texting when he told me how he felt and that he misses me and stuff were AMAIZING but now, its just really stupids texts and meaningless conversations. PLEASE i need advice on what to do, I want him to be interested in me. Advices in texting a LDR in my case? Did i ruin my chances of getting him back by talking about his new gf and by supporting him in his relationships troubles? No, I don't think you would have ruined your chances, you have the upper hand, he obviously still wants you to know what's going on in his life and values your friendship. Good things....he said he misses you, he acknowledged the letter you gave him made him feel sad, he's been sending flirty texts. Bad thing...the stuff he said about you finding someone who will love and respect you the way he couldn't. That one would worry me a bit, makes it sound like he genuinely likes you but wasn't feeling 'ín love' by the time you broke up, and the fact that he's gone for a party girl, the opposite of you, makes me wonder if he's making that common mistake that so many men make....going for the woman who turns him on but who he actually doesn't really even like instead of sticking with the girl who will be good for him. I suggest keeping that contact going, even if it's just stupid stuff try to exchange something at least once a day, maintain the bond and strong friendship. Also, when he doesn't answer back straight away, he may be at work, or may be in the company of the new GF, and if that's the case it's a good sign that he's hiding that he's still in contact with you because if you were just going to be friends he'd have nothing to hide, right? If possible make arrangements to travel and visit him as soon as possible, he needs to see you in the flesh. Your OP says he moved to another country, so that may be expensive, but you were planning on being there in December anyway? 1
Author CristinaKass Posted October 29, 2016 Author Posted October 29, 2016 No, I don't think you would have ruined your chances, you have the upper hand, he obviously still wants you to know what's going on in his life and values your friendship. Good things....he said he misses you, he acknowledged the letter you gave him made him feel sad, he's been sending flirty texts. Bad thing...the stuff he said about you finding someone who will love and respect you the way he couldn't. That one would worry me a bit, makes it sound like he genuinely likes you but wasn't feeling 'ín love' by the time you broke up, and the fact that he's gone for a party girl, the opposite of you, makes me wonder if he's making that common mistake that so many men make....going for the woman who turns him on but who he actually doesn't really even like instead of sticking with the girl who will be good for him. I suggest keeping that contact going, even if it's just stupid stuff try to exchange something at least once a day, maintain the bond and strong friendship. Also, when he doesn't answer back straight away, he may be at work, or may be in the company of the new GF, and if that's the case it's a good sign that he's hiding that he's still in contact with you because if you were just going to be friends he'd have nothing to hide, right? If possible make arrangements to travel and visit him as soon as possible, he needs to see you in the flesh. Your OP says he moved to another country, so that may be expensive, but you were planning on being there in December anyway? Thank you so much, I will do all the things you explained. You are very mature and I want to thank you for cheering me up. I know he thinks of me, even if he doesnt want to because even in Facebook, his mom, sister and aunt are always tagging me in post, and he obviously sees that, we are not facebook friends but he is in his family network, his aunt even tagged us both in a post today about our profesionals career (we are both engineers). I don't have plans on visit him in December now because I didn't book an airplane ticket because of what happened but I'm traveling (with my parents) to my sisters for XMAS and on purposed I booked the tickets with a flight conection in his city so I'll be at least 4 hours at the airport there, if things go well we can see each other at least for a couple of hours. That what I have so far. I don't have much money so I can't buy it if we are not a couple or something like that. I'll do what you said, I'll keep myself in the picture, texting and being there, and if he says something about his relationship or GF I will tell him that I love being a support to him but I am not interested to hear about it and that she is not important to me. right? Thank you!!!!!!!!!! 1
MsJayne Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 Best of luck, I really hope it goes the way you want it to. 1
Author CristinaKass Posted October 30, 2016 Author Posted October 30, 2016 UPDATE I'm not feeling good today and again, I don't know what to do! last wednesday and thursday he told me that he had a fight with his new girlfriend because a friend of her told her that she changed with him (party girl not going to too much parties now), he told me that it will be over soon probably, and stuff like that... on october 19th he told me that his relationship wasn't serious or anything that they didnt even have profiles pictures together or anything... they've been dating now for a 5 or 6 weeks... he stop texting me on friday (around 1pm) and I found out on Facebook that they went to a halloween party yesterday and he uploaded like 3 pictures and made 2 of them profile picture.... I don't know what to do I mean I know it requieres a lot of patience, but I feel so bad when he tells me he is not happy with her and that he doesn't like her but then he uploads pictures of them looking so happy and enjoying paties and stuff... he even added her friends on his social media... I feel SOOOO confused...
Author CristinaKass Posted October 30, 2016 Author Posted October 30, 2016 I think that my biggest mistake was that I wasn't in control of the conversation when we texted each other. I texted him a casual text and he replied like I said in my previous post very emotional and wanted to see how I was doing and He said sorry and we talked about our past relationship... maybe that was my mistake I should kept it slow and short. now he knows what ive been doing and probably how i feel... CAN I FIX IT? DID I RUIN EVERYTHING?
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