tangerinetrees Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Hi All, I have been in an amazing, so incredibly fulfilling relationship for a little over a year. My man is the youngest of 3 children (all mid 30's and older) and the only boy who comes from a VERY tight knit Italian family. Man man is extremely close with his mom and often refers to her as his best friend. His mom has been divorced for many many years and is (and freely admits it) very lonely. Things between his mom and I got off to a great start. Up until a couple weeks ago, we would shop together almost weekly, cook together and just really enjoyed hanging out. She goes out to dinner with us once a week, we invite her along to most of the outings we go on, which is usually 2 or 3 times a month and she has even gone on vacation with us twice. I have always supported and encouraged their relationship and have worked hard to build a good relationship with her myself. We were on a trip a couple weeks ago and a situation occurred when trying to figure out seating in a vehicle for everyone where she felt that I was leaving her out and that I don't care about her and then she refused to go on that evening's outing with us, locking herself in her room and refusing to talk to anyone except my man. That was her last night of the trip and the next day, she went home (due to work) and refused to speak to me on the drive to the airport and things have not gotten a bit better in the couple weeks since we've been home. My man has tried to talk to her about it and all she will say is that she believes I'm fake, that I'm too affectionate because we hold hands in public and that I interject myself into conversations. Basically, I am apparently only to be seen (but not too visible) and not heard or I'm offensive. She also told him tonight that she believes that I am going to alienate him from his family so I can have him all to myself, which prompted a huge fight between them. I honestly have no idea what to do or say. She told him if he talked to me about how she feels, she will never talk to him again, so he won't let me go directly to her to hash it out. I'm just at an absolute loss......
Erik30 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Wow you're dealing with a momma's boy.... Him being the youngest shouldn't matter, he's a grown man. I can't imagine hanging out with my mom and my gf all the time. You're right, she probably thinks you're "stealing" him away from her, especially since they're so close. You'll probably have to deal with his mom for the rest of your life if you stay with him. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Mommy troubles Actually, you have Boyfriend Troubles. Anyone willing to let themselves be manipulated like this - and at your expense - is a questionable relationship candidate. And while "Mommy" sounds needy, childish and toxic, your BF isn't responsible for her. He's only in charge of his own response to her tactics, a test he's failed to this point. Red flags everywhere. Even though you've already gone above and beyond, you'll spend the entire relationship trying (unsuccessfully, I'd guess) to deal with her ever changing list of demands and his acquiescence. Or you can date a grown-up, it's your choice... Mr. Lucky
Quiet Storm Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 It sounds like she is emotionally manipulative. Threatening to never talk to him again? And he describes her as his best friend? If he can't recognize that she is being manipulative, or if he's going along with whatever she says to avoid conflict, then I don't see this problem getting any better. He needs to be a man and not a little boy. He should say, "Look, Mom. I love her. The way you are behaving is unacceptable. You have to respect me as a man and you have to respect me & tangerinetrees relationship. This isn't up for negotiation." If he is weak and won't stand up to her, then let him go. He's not ready for a real relationship if he lets his mother run his life. His mom feels threatened by you. She's lonely and depends on him for companionship. She may not even realize she's being manipulative and likely genuinely feels she has his best interests at heart. Your boyfriend probably feels sorry for her. It's going to be hard for him to assert himself. But he must do it. Not for you, but for himself. 8
Shanex Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 (edited) Italian family, La Mama.. that's almost an institution in the land of De Vinci. Anyway, since he's a 30 year old grow up, I'll second what QS just posted above, it is normal to love your mom and listen what advices she wants to give her son, but by no means she should tell him how he should be with women he dates. I'm not Italian and quite fond of my own mother but never let her interfere on my relationship. Advices are fine, threats and blackmails aren't. I bet the Sunday evening family Carbonara dinner haven't been a lot of fun for you guys. Edited October 27, 2016 by Shanex 4
Author tangerinetrees Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 I bet the Sunday evening family Carbonara dinner haven't been a lot of fun for you guys. Hahaha...I haven't been invited to Sunday dinner since it all happened and he has not been going, which has just made her more angry with me. 1
Satu Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 I think it was Freud who said the only thing worse than having a mother who doesn't love you enough, is having a mother that loves you too much. Book her into a nursing home in Pyongyang. 3
Popsicle Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 Oh boy, you have your hands full. My ex-bf had a lonely mom too and boy was she clingy. For what it's worth, I think she is wrong and your man is going to have to handle it, not you. She may not be mature enough to handle it, even if he told her that he would never abandon her, but it would be the right thing to do for him to tell her that she needs to back off a bit and let him live his life and be a man. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 Wow she sounds a piece of work. How about you make the first move, phone her up and invite her out shopping again like you used to. You will either have the blow out that is needed to clear the air or she will slowly come round. Sometimes with grown up babies like this you have to just ignore their temper tantrums and get on with it anyway. If she is needy/ drama queen then she probably needs you to make the first move. Because that is the way she is. Thank God he has moved out...
lazcas Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 I am sorry you are going through this, what a terrible situation. His mom is jealous, she wants him all for herself!! She doesn't even appreciate the fact that you accepted to take her with you on vacation (which probably wasn't a good idea). Your man needs to establish boundaries with his mother, otherwise you won't be able to have a healthy relationship with him. She is an adult and has to learn to handle her loneliness, her kids have their own life, there is no reason for her to go out with you both so much. There isn't much you can do right now, it is all in his hands, if you say or do anything it may backfire. For sure the situation is being stressful and only thing you can do is try to keep yourself relaxed. You evidently love that man and hopefully he will be able to establish boundaries and have a healthy relationship with his mother. She would greatly benefit from psychotherapy, she may be able to accept that he is her kid, not her hubby/boyfriend and that he has his own life to live.
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