Dumped out of the blue: A really weird story

[Bernard_M]

Her behaviour sounds really.. basic, if you will. Nothing super special or unusual or clinical about it. But since you're still confused: it sounds like a combination of immaturity, insecurities and simply being on the rebound. The insecurities are apparent from the fact that she craves a lot of attention (especially from men) and yet when she receives sincere attention (like you were willing to provide), she pulls away, almost as if she feels undeserving of it. Also, looking arrogant as you said? Probably a defense mechanism, a confident person would not do that. And something that's really common to being on the rebound is that instead of taking things slow with a new budding relationship, she jumped right in head first (all the gushing she did at first, nude pics, 24/7 contact) - which then gets satiated super fast, it runs out of steam, because she wasn't emotionally there yet, where her actions led you to believe she might have been. That's pretty much all there is to it, I'm sure. I've seen the pattern dozens of times, hell, I've done it myself. Anyway, it was bad timing for you, she's just not ready to be a good girlfriend to you, take it as the fling that it was, forgive her for misleading you and for handling the situation in a really immature way, and move on - unless you enjoy the drama (there would be plenty). In any case, you sound like you can do better (a bit more mature and stable perhaps).

 

Thanks for the input. I found it quite confusing since it is something I have never done and have a difficulty understanding how others pull it off without appearing emotionally unavailable. It also got me thinking, since she told me that I got too attached, if I was coming on too strong on her or smothered her emotionally. But on the other hand she would say things like I am falling for you or get messages even at the last week before she left like these:

 

"Thanks�� I really enjoy hanging out with you. You are quite amazing, you know that?" or "Oooh, would have loved to just stay in bed with you until now �� I hope I can really soon. I am good. Can't stop smiling for some reason.. Don't know why. Do you have any clue?" or "Maybe I can spend the night at your place Wed-Thurs too? And just wake up early and go to my place just like I did today? It was soooo nice :)" or "we are kinda great together, aren`t we ?"

 

At the time when she stopped responding it messed me up because I couldn't figure out what had happened that had caused her to stop communicating, so I was trying to find what i might have said or done to trigger this or what could have caused such a sudden lost in interest. Perhaps it was the "I love you" thing or maybe just a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. It raised insecurities which I didn't have prior to this and the fact that she handled it they way she did after her return was a blow.

 

I don't usually open up to people and let myself become vulnerable, but in this case I did and it hit me quite hard and suddenly. As I said I have no intention of pursuing things with her. It is not only a matter of self-respect but also seeing a totally different person, an immature and insensitive one. Perhaps most of all I was shocked to see such a sudden change of character so it was difficult for me to comprehend what caused it. It was a really unpleasant experience and I have tried to keep away from dating for the time being. All in all I would say that it is just a great disappointment and made me become a lot more cynical.

Edited November 2, 2016 by Bernard_M

[joseb]

OP, take this as a learning experience.

People fresh out of a relationship are in no state to be objective and to have another healthy one.

 

I bet at some level you must have felt that all this instant intimacy was a bit fake and couldn't last, but maybe choose to.ignore the warning signs.

 

I've had girls say similar things to me after just meeting and I just knew deep down they didn't really mean it. Maybe I'm just cynical with old age!

 

But don't let the experience put you off. Just steer clear of recently single people unless you are just looking for fun. And if someone is gushing sweet nothing's in no time, take it with a large grain of salt.

[mick88]

This is a great breakdown/explanation, it rings so true for me in regards to past similar experiences.

[Mkn1010]

You said: “so she gave the impression that she wasthinking of long-term commitment.”

I have to say that I find this statement quite remarkable given that it started with her asking you to come out for a drink straight up and then having sex with that night, plus all the OTT complimenting (blowing smoke up your a**).

 

 

Sensible girls who aren’t desperate for attention do not do this and do not chase a guy in such a pathetic way. How you could interpret that as her thinking of a long-term commitment is beyond me!!

[Bernard_M]

OP, take this as a learning experience.

People fresh out of a relationship are in no state to be objective and to have another healthy one.

 

I bet at some level you must have felt that all this instant intimacy was a bit fake and couldn't last, but maybe choose to.ignore the warning signs.

 

I've had girls say similar things to me after just meeting and I just knew deep down they didn't really mean it. Maybe I'm just cynical with old age!

 

But don't let the experience put you off. Just steer clear of recently single people unless you are just looking for fun. And if someone is gushing sweet nothing's in no time, take it with a large grain of salt.

 

The intimacy seemed a little fake for the first 2-3 days we spent together. I guess I kinda got used to it after that and assumed it was because she was infatuated with me. From what she told me she had been keeping a close eye on me ever since we first met (a period of about 2 months). She remembered every encounter we had so I thought she was really attracted to me to begin with. This is at a time when she was still with her ex from what I can guess.

 

One of the mistakes I made with her is that I didn't figure out she was recently broken up until 3-4 weeks in. She had mentioned a controlling ex, but it was only after quite some time that she said that it was not too long ago that she got out of a relationship. I don't like asking these questions upfront because I don't want to seem insecure, and I don't feel threatened by an ex. He is an ex for a reason.

 

 

You said: “so she gave the impression that she wasthinking of long-term commitment.”

I have to say that I find this statement quite remarkable given that it started with her asking you to come out for a drink straight up and then having sex with that night, plus all the OTT complimenting (blowing smoke up your a**).

 

 

Sensible girls who aren’t desperate for attention do not do this and do not chase a guy in such a pathetic way. How you could interpret that as her thinking of a long-term commitment is beyond me!!

 

Of course this is something I had considered, but I live in a Northern European country where women hitting on men is not that uncommon and sex first and getting to know each other later is quite typical. My impression that she was looking for a long-term commitment was apparently NOT based on this. It was based on her questioning What I am planning to do after my contract ends, helping me learn her language, asking me if I like kids, making future plans with me, talking about family etc, so these were all signs that it was not just a one-night stand and went beyond a fling.

 

She reminds me of someone I know real well who is disorganized, bipolar, and socially aggressive/vivacious, and juggled men . She also reminds me of a guy or two I've known and how they handle juggling women, being jocular the entire time and jumping right in and things getting intense fast and then it becomes clear you're not the only one who's getting all this attention from them.

 

So hazarding a guess, I'm pegging her as very social, not afraid to go after what she wants, but also unwilling or unable to focus on one person and is just doing this with every guy she's the least bit interested in. She's probably very sexual and that's driving a lot of it. Now, my female friend who was like that was also bipolar and so she ran hot and cold and would disappear and reappear, and she in particular had certain sexual specifications that must be met, the only woman I know who put much priority on the size of a guy's penis and fingers. Not saying yours is just like her, but she may have a sex drive that keeps her coming back but then there may be some facet of you that isn't just what she wants, whether it's physical or emotional, and so she knows she's not staying with you.

 

Obviously, she is probably still toying with her ex as well, and he's probably just as mystified as you are. People who are good at being really social and meeting and dating lots of people can make you feel special, but then you find out they are happily going through this same thing with others as well. When it becomes an impediment to the or they lose interest, they move on.

 

The fact she mentioned the texting thing, even though you increased frequency because of something she'd said earlier, kind of does point out that she's not wanting anyone keeping tabs on her or that type of exclusivity.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out. Now, there are men who would glad do a repeat of being wooed and dumped by my friend because they enjoyed it while it lasted. I hope you are able to at least take away the fun times from it and not let the end ruin that for you. Also, if she's as social as I think she is, you might confirm that she is now not interested in you any longer and then remain acquaintances so you continue to be asked to any group outings she throws because she likely has a LOT of friends you might want to meet, and they won't any of them be like her, because she won't keep someone who competes with her around long.

 

Even if I were willing to tag along and meet some of her friends, I get the impression that she is the kind of person that would not want anyone of her friends near me even though she has not interest herself anymore. That is also evident from the fact that she got jealous and commented about other women even at the stage where she constantly flaked and was acting cold.

Edited November 3, 2016 by Bernard_M

[Bernard_M]

Just a quick update since some things have happened and I am not sure if I should confront her or just ignore her. Over the last few days a couple of things have happened that have made me reconsider if all this is just plain rebound since she is acting really passive aggressive.

 

1. At a meeting we had she said she met someone (not romantically), and that she thought he was from the country I come from because he is short? (WTF?)

 

2. At a work dinner I was sitting next to my boss and talking about how he encourages us to do different sports all the time. I said "it seems like you are training us for the next Olympics". She heard us talking and intervened by saying "...yes, the special Olympics". I said nothing and just ignored her.

 

3. A colleague was giving a talk, she tells me "he is taking over again...", comparing me to him. His girlfriend met him after, and she commented about her (she is not very attractive) saying "she is way hotter than anyone you will ever ****"

 

Seriously, is this normal behavior of a person that has just lost interest after realizing that it is a rebound? I am trying to keep cool about it but it seems she attempting to push my buttons.

[tomtheman1234]

I had the same sort of thing I met a girl online we hit it off right away. She text me lots and lots to start with we hung out lots to start with. After 3 weeks I met her eldest daughter as she is a single mum. She opened up to me telling me her feelings for me. Then the texts got less and less. Then she cancelled are next date. Then dumped me after a months of dating. Another girl I dated about 10 years ago. Again it was full on from the start and we hit it off straight away. Then she opened up about having feelings for me. I was going to live for a bit in Australia. She said she would like to come with me. Then we agreed I would go in November and she would come out in January. She came stayed the weekend atvmy patents as I was house sitting as they were away. After that weekend I never saw or heard from her again. I tried texting and calling but nothing.

So I know what you are going through. It's not nice when you think you have met your Miss Rightand they tell you that they think your pretty special and so on only to chuck you a few days later.

[Sara1989]

Just a quick update since some things have happened and I am not sure if I should confront her or just ignore her. Over the last few days a couple of things have happened that have made me reconsider if all this is just plain rebound since she is acting really passive aggressive.

 

1. At a meeting we had she said she met someone (not romantically), and that she thought he was from the country I come from because he is short? (WTF?)

 

2. At a work dinner I was sitting next to my boss and talking about how he encourages us to do different sports all the time. I said "it seems like you are training us for the next Olympics". She heard us talking and intervened by saying "...yes, the special Olympics". I said nothing and just ignored her.

 

3. A colleague was giving a talk, she tells me "he is taking over again...", comparing me to him. His girlfriend met him after, and she commented about her (she is not very attractive) saying "she is way hotter than anyone you will ever ****"

 

Seriously, is this normal behavior of a person that has just lost interest after realizing that it is a rebound? I am trying to keep cool about it but it seems she attempting to push my buttons.

 

Dude you are a REBOUND. She getting more interested in you again because she sees you as an challenge, the moment you try and speak to her about 'us' she will run a mile.

 

You obviously cannot separate sex and love with this girl so just ignore her, no need to read into her. There are loads of women out there who will date you and wont be using you for sex.

[Bernard_M]

Dude you are a REBOUND. She getting more interested in you again because she sees you as an challenge, the moment you try and speak to her about 'us' she will run a mile.

 

You obviously cannot separate sex and love with this girl so just ignore her, no need to read into her. There are loads of women out there who will date you and wont be using you for sex.

 

Thanks, I have the bad habit of putting part of the blame on myself for following her pace and moving too fast. I even thought that she was hurt from the past relationship and that why she was afraid of entering something new having trust issues etc. Obviously she had baggage from her ex.

 

It just surprised me how quickly she sabotaged the whole thing, as if I had no value at all making me question myself. I even thought that she may be a case of narcissist although I don't like putting such labels on people but her actions were exactly as described on various websites.

Edited November 21, 2016 by Bernard_M