In pain and do I still have a chance of getting back together with him?

[DollyMannequin]

Hello, and yes I made an account just to post this question lol. I know there are many questions but a little cliche but mine doesn't seem to match or as similar to majority of the posts and also I'm heart broken and don't know where to turn to since I keep my personal life private from those around me.

 

Me(21) and my ex boyfriend(20) were together for almost 3 years, we are long distance but visit each other few time a year. We never had any other serious relationships prior and we were in an open relationship, our rule of cheating was having emotional attachments to others and if we were seeing someone for a date we give each other a heads up and it does not bother us one bit. The cause of the break up was not cheating. It was mainly my fault because I had insecurity issues because I used to be an ugly duckling when I was younger and everything about me was scrutinized and also I realized after many failed short relationships I wasn't a fully monogamous person and my view of what constitute as cheating was completely different from other people. Years later, apparently I grew up to be very attractive but did not noticed. I met a guy in another state who was a male model. I thought he was lying because I couldn't believe someone who many girls around thought was one of the most attractive males would actually be interested in me. We had a very strong bond and our parents, friends, and a mutual friend we found out we had said we were very alike and whatever flaws we have the other person has to make up for it and cannot see us with anyone else. After the insecurities and accusing him of lying about my appearance and fears of him running off with someone prettier than me he couldn't take it anymore and broke it off and then blocked me for about a month. We have been broken up for 3 months so far.

 

I was really numb when it first happened. I thought I deserved it and was my fault but I can't do anything about it but apologized and move on. Came to find out during that month he was casually dating around or just talking to girls because he likes attention. He did manage to get into a relationship with someone he met at a photoshoot but they only lasted a week because even though he blocked me, both of then couldn't ignore it was like I was tagging along with them and he broke it off due to that. I managed to go on a few dates and been in two relationships but they both only lasted a week too. I managed to improve myself by getting a haircut, multiple piercings on my right ear(never did before because my ex finds multiple piercings a turn off and tattoos), and really taking care of my skin to help me feel good about myself. One night, everything just hit me like a brick out of nowhere and I felt the most possible pain I didn't even think was possible and started breaking down crying until the morning...I figured him in NC would help me recover but you know, life is troll...the next day, he contacted me. Where the confusing part sets in:

 

He asked me how I was doing because our mutual friend said I seem extremely distant from everyone lately and none of my dates were working. I replied I was fine and I feel much better now compared to last month(lie). I asked how he was doing and he said not exactly coping too well to be honest but he'll be fine then said the piercings surprisingly looks cute on me and asked if it was painful because I had 1 on my lobe and 3 helix in one sitting. I asked what was it that he wants. He said to be friends. I asked him if he still loved me(bad idea I know). He said he cares deeply for me and does love me but he doesn't want a relationship right now. For the next 2 weeks he would be friendly one second then become flirty like when we were dating I got frustrated by the mixed signals and told him to f**k off and went into NC for a week. During that week he ended up having a short term relationship with a girl he just met. About a day or two after I called down and contacted him to apologize about blowing up. He said he was distraught. I asked him why?

 

He said he broke it off with that other girl because he has contradictions that even he is confused himself so he apologizes that he could not give me a straight answer on anything...he broke it off because he was never over me and tried to distract himself from the hurt and he really does love me but he is still scared and he never gives second chances because his philosophy is if you screw it up the first time then I'm out. I don't want to deal with bad memories. He doesn't want to get back together but obviously he is aware his feelings will affect future relationships. However he still wants to be close friends because he cares and doesn't want anything bad to happen to me.

 

Early this month he did visit me for two days(we live 10 hours apart from each other) and we hung out in the mountains and spent time with each other. When he arrived, I was still in school and he was waiting for me to be done to talk and then waited until I was done with work. While I was laughing he surprised me with a kiss then frowned and backed away apologizing saying he hasn't seen me laugh or smile for a long time and he likes to continue visiting if that is fine.

 

For the rest of this month we continued to message each other a lot and the initiation was 50/50 and when I was at work he would leave long messages for me to read whenever I get off. Sounds good right? Well...it got confusing last night so this is where I am now with him:

 

I made plans to visit him for Thanksgiving since it is my turn to do the visit. He said he is still confused. He has noticed I have changed which is good but the reason why he is flip flopping back and forth is because when he is happy he has in mind on wanting to continue visiting and spending time with each other since it was so calm and made him happy on the last visit and want to start over when he isn't as torn. But still...he is still very hurt, it has died down since last two months but it still feels like a stake in his heart and that makes him hesitant. But he really loves being around me and looks forward to seeing me again and hope he can eventually get past it and give us another shot. This sounds selfish and confusing but he was already hurt when I treated him not too well, but felt even worse when I said he was sending mixed signals and yelled that I didn't want to be friends and he is messing with me so go f**k himself. He promises me that was not his intentions. He is genuinely confused and just want to not feel any hurt anymore. He is at his happiest around me and most comfortable and also motivated him to further in his career. He wasn't too motivated in doing much before he met me. And he does care for me, he was the one that sent me that one jacket but told my mom not to say it was from him so she just told me it was from a family friend after he saw my social media status saying my mom ended up throwing away a lot of my clothes she thought were too old. So now it is cold and have no jacket.

 

Should I still continue to visit since it is suppose to be my turn and I made plans months ago already to visit? Problem is I'm still hurting and in deep regret and his confusion isn't helping me. I am also helping him in the process of moving and he will be closer to me. And second, do you think I still have a chance at getting back with him and how long until I stop feeling so much pain and regret?

[stillafool]

Honey it's' over. No don't go to him for Thanksgiving because it won't go as you wish. He has moved on and you should to. He's already seeing other girls and doesn't want you back. You are too emotionally involved right now to only be his friend.

[DollyMannequin]

Honey it's' over. No don't go to him for Thanksgiving because it won't go as you wish. He has moved on and you should to. He's already seeing other girls and doesn't want you back. You are too emotionally involved right now to only be his friend.

 

He hasn't been seeing anyone else after he broke it off with that one girls since he figures it isn't appropriate to date and still be close with me and honestly would rather continue to see me than try to date anyone right now. Tried that, ended up feeling ****tier because that girl ended up getting pretty hurt. Our mutual close friend said he's pretty much been hanging out and spending the night at his house nerding out on League of Legends for the past 2 weeks because of bad family issues at home right now.

[DollyMannequin]

Update: Well...heh, ironically shortly after I posted this. We have actually worked things out and now are in a monogamous relationship. Hopefully everything goes well. I won't be such a control freak anymore.

[ExpatInItaly]

Be careful, OP.

 

This guy is doing some serious flip-flopping. Forgive me, but I don't quite understand how you can now be in a monogamous relationship when you previously stated you are not very monogamous by nature? How does that change so quickly?

 

I have a feeling you had agreed to an open relationship earlier because he wanted that, and you didn't want to lose him so you went along with it convincing yourself it was what you wanted too. Is that correct?

 

I wouldn't assume everything is fine and dandy yet. You two have some big issues to work out and I feel you need to look out for your own heart more. Sorry to rain on the parade, but this doesn't seem like a very stable situation.