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Need help with this break up

mellybelly

By mellybelly
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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mellybelly Member

mellybelly

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hi,

 

My ex and I have been broken up for a little over 2 weeks and I'm having a seriously hard time coming to terms with it.

 

I don't want to make this too long but we were in a relationship for about 9 months before he had to go to another country for work. When we had been in a long distance relationship for a little less than a year.

 

We've had many ups and downs and many near breakups but he always changed his mind and we would reconcile. He talked about marriage and engagement rings but then would change his mind constantly. It was really starting to get out of control and I realise that now.

 

Anyway, I came up with the plan for me to take a leave of absence from my job and he initially was really into it. A few days before I was supposed to depart and when I had already given up my apartment he started having doubts AGAIN. I managed to calm him down because I thought that this was because of his anxiety disorder.

 

I got there and we got along great for the first few days but we had a huge argument about the fact that he has only come to see me once since we've been doing long distance. He even said he wanted to break up and I packed my bags and was ready to go. He stopped me and asked me to stay and agreed to come visit at some point.

 

Now I had already planned to go away for a week for my friend's birthday and while I was away his father passed away. He avoided me for the 2 weeks he was back home and I tried to be supportive anyway but my gut was telling me something was wrong with us.

 

Sure enough, when he finally got back home, I called him and he told me it was over. He didn't really say anything or form a complete sentence but from his tone it was clear it was over and there was no use in me pushing for answers.

 

Now, I was probably in shock so it took me about a week for it to sink in. Now I just have so many questions and I've messaged him a few times but nothing really pushing for answers. Except today I gave in and asked what went wrong. He hasn't replied yet but I wouldn't be surprised if he never does.

 

There is this girl who texted him constantly and I've convinced myself that he has left me for her. How do you deal with all the unanswered questions? How do you stop yourself from looking for clues on social media? How do you stop yourself from contacting the ex?

 

p.s I've never been broken up with before and I just do not know how to deal right now. I don't want to feel like this forever and it doesn't help that I'm on leave from work and have nothing to keep my mind off it.

Edited by mellybelly
TaylorM Member

TaylorM

Posted
Posted

Hi Melly,

 

First let me say that I am SO sorry for what you are going through. I know exactly how you feel and I am going through the same now. I think you really need to take time and reflect on the relationship and decide if YOU want to be with HIM. After giving it thought, say a week, I'd strongly consider purchasing and reading the ex boyfriend recovery ebook by Chris Seiter. Essentially the goal of it is to get him back BUT if it doesn't work, the process will still help you heal and get better. I strongly recommend it. It helped me get my boyfriend back a year ago and it's helping me again now. Stay strong girl. You're not alone. Get the upper hand back, listen to some Beyoncé and show him what he's giving up!

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

Yes he is probably now seeing that other girl. You have to find your own closure because any questions he would answer will bring about more questions and you will never feel like he gave you complete closure. Also the dumper doesn't want to say words that will hurt you more, make them feel more guilty so they end up sugar coating, twisting truths and basically blowing smoke that makes no sense. I know it's hard but the worst thing you can do is spy on them on social media. You will never heal by doing that. Just go complete NC, pray if you believe in God, work out, eat well and move on day by day.

jaQ3 Member

jaQ3

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry you're going through this....I'm dealing with a very new breakup too, but I was more aligned with your ex's situation so maybe I can provide some insight:

 

I was the one who always wanted to leave. He had severe anxiety and is one of those energy vampires that drains you, it was pretty unhealthy. I broke up with him a couple times, but always took him back immediately. Things would be going well for a while and I'd start looking at rings with him, then he'd fall back into the same "woe is me" rut about his job or anything, really. Then almost 2 months ago, I broke up with him. In that same weekend, he started chatting up his sisters friend and they've been dating since. Now, I'm crushed and would do anything to get him back. You have to show him what it's like without you in the picture. It's painful. Don't contact him. Let him miss you. It's a ****ty wakeup call, but it works.

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mellybelly Member

mellybelly

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Yes he is probably now seeing that other girl. You have to find your own closure because any questions he would answer will bring about more questions and you will never feel like he gave you complete closure. Also the dumper doesn't want to say words that will hurt you more, make them feel more guilty so they end up sugar coating, twisting truths and basically blowing smoke that makes no sense. I know it's hard but the worst thing you can do is spy on them on social media. You will never heal by doing that. Just go complete NC, pray if you believe in God, work out, eat well and move on day by day.

 

Hey, he has told me he isn't trying to date anyone right now. I think he would tell me because he's pretty brutally honest. Although, I think he might date her casually eventually. I know beauty isn't everything but he is pretty vain and he is like an 8 she is like a 4.5 at the most. hehe

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mellybelly Member

mellybelly

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Hi Melly,

 

First let me say that I am SO sorry for what you are going through. I know exactly how you feel and I am going through the same now. I think you really need to take time and reflect on the relationship and decide if YOU want to be with HIM. After giving it thought, say a week, I'd strongly consider purchasing and reading the ex boyfriend recovery ebook by Chris Seiter. Essentially the goal of it is to get him back BUT if it doesn't work, the process will still help you heal and get better. I strongly recommend it. It helped me get my boyfriend back a year ago and it's helping me again now. Stay strong girl. You're not alone. Get the upper hand back, listen to some Beyoncé and show him what he's giving up!

 

Hey,

I'm actually not sure if I want him back. He doesn't think I am good enough for him so F*** him right? It just hurts so much that I was so invested in him and he could just throw me away like this. Btw I peeked at your post history and you posted something about you being shy and that causing a fight or something? I'm pretty shy too and my ex has brought that up a few times. He told me that I don't have anything to say at parties/social gatherings. That obviously made me feel awful. I think that some people are just quieter and I just don't feel comfortable taking up a lot of space around people I don't know very well. Anyone who actually loves you for you would not make you feel bad about something that is part of your personality. I'm listening to Beyonce right now, thanks for your reply!

  • Author
mellybelly Member

mellybelly

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I'm sorry you're going through this....I'm dealing with a very new breakup too, but I was more aligned with your ex's situation so maybe I can provide some insight:

 

I was the one who always wanted to leave. He had severe anxiety and is one of those energy vampires that drains you, it was pretty unhealthy. I broke up with him a couple times, but always took him back immediately. Things would be going well for a while and I'd start looking at rings with him, then he'd fall back into the same "woe is me" rut about his job or anything, really. Then almost 2 months ago, I broke up with him. In that same weekend, he started chatting up his sisters friend and they've been dating since. Now, I'm crushed and would do anything to get him back. You have to show him what it's like without you in the picture. It's painful. Don't contact him. Let him miss you. It's a ****ty wakeup call, but it works.

 

Hey,

Thanks for your reply. Can I ask how long you two were dating? I really wish we could go back to before he broke up with me but I don't think I could ever get passed this. I would be lying if I said that I don't hope anyway. I haven't asked for him back or anything like that but I texted him every few days since the breakup. I just couldn't help myself. I'm going on vacation for the next 2 weeks so hopefully that will keep my mind occupied enough to not be tempted to contact him.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
Hi,

 

My ex and I have been broken up for a little over 2 weeks and I'm having a seriously hard time coming to terms with it.

 

I don't want to make this too long but we were in a relationship for about 9 months before he had to go to another country for work. When we had been in a long distance relationship for a little less than a year.

 

We've had many ups and downs and many near breakups but he always changed his mind and we would reconcile. He talked about marriage and engagement rings but then would change his mind constantly. It was really starting to get out of control and I realise that now.

 

Anyway, I came up with the plan for me to take a leave of absence from my job and he initially was really into it. A few days before I was supposed to depart and when I had already given up my apartment he started having doubts AGAIN. I managed to calm him down because I thought that this was because of his anxiety disorder.

 

I got there and we got along great for the first few days but we had a huge argument about the fact that he has only come to see me once since we've been doing long distance. He even said he wanted to break up and I packed my bags and was ready to go. He stopped me and asked me to stay and agreed to come visit at some point.

 

Now I had already planned to go away for a week for my friend's birthday and while I was away his father passed away. He avoided me for the 2 weeks he was back home and I tried to be supportive anyway but my gut was telling me something was wrong with us.

 

Sure enough, when he finally got back home, I called him and he told me it was over. He didn't really say anything or form a complete sentence but from his tone it was clear it was over and there was no use in me pushing for answers.

 

Now, I was probably in shock so it took me about a week for it to sink in. Now I just have so many questions and I've messaged him a few times but nothing really pushing for answers. Except today I gave in and asked what went wrong. He hasn't replied yet but I wouldn't be surprised if he never does.

 

There is this girl who texted him constantly and I've convinced myself that he has left me for her. How do you deal with all the unanswered questions? How do you stop yourself from looking for clues on social media? How do you stop yourself from contacting the ex?

 

p.s I've never been broken up with before and I just do not know how to deal right now. I don't want to feel like this forever and it doesn't help that I'm on leave from work and have nothing to keep my mind off it.

 

How do you deal with all the unanswered questions? -- The only question you need to find the answer to for yourself is: "Why do you want to be in an unhealthy, train-wreck of a relationship?"

 

I've never been broken up with before -- Yes, you have. He's broken up with you numerous times and instead of letting go with dignity and insight, you "reconciled". Nothing ever got reconciled because the same thing kept happening. A relationship is not baseball . . . it's one strike and you're out, not 3, 4, 10 . . .

 

You have been allowing yourself to be strung along for quite a long time. He knew he didn't want you, but didn't want to move on until he had someone else . . .

 

How do you stop yourself from contacting the ex? -- You get RESOLVED. Put on your big girl pants, accept that he's not a suitable relationship partner and you lose his number, you cut him out of social media and you get focused on YOU and your future as a strong, independent, secure person who will not accept anything less than she wants, needs and deserves PERIOD. Be Nike -- "Just Do It".

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