Friends

[missmetomorrow]

You're aware that you can say no when the OM pursues you, right? You're not a passive entity, nor are you a victim. You are equally guilty whether you pursue or not.

 

Yes. I would say he's an addiction.

[missmetomorrow]

No its not possible. If you had it in you then it would have never started, since you don't want to change the situation it wont. Until your single and MM is still married.

 

It's them discussing divorce. He says he will never remarry unless it's us but that's so unrealistic. I can't picture any situation where kids, family and friends would accept that at this point.

[ChickiePops]

Yes. I would say he's an addiction.

 

People kick addictions every single day. You know how they do that? They stop feeding it!

 

Stop talking to him and your feelings will fade. It really and truly is that simple...

[BluesPower]

Please listen to what these people are saying. Please try to understand how delusional you are about what you have been doing.

 

Again, no judgment from me I have my own demons.

 

Dear, you have been sleeping with another man your entire marriage. You never really had a marriage. It has been a sham from the get go. Good grief I could not even do something like that, and that is really saying something.

 

I really don't think you guys can be friends, I hope you can stop sleeping together, but never friends. You know there is the slightest possibility that you two could stop and this would not get out. But really, the odds of winning the lottery are better. Who knows, maybe you guys can get away with it.

 

You know what the bigger question is? How can you live with your husband and yourself after what you have done to him. I am guessing that he loves you and trusts you with his life and it has all been a lie.

 

Please don't tell me that you have been a good wife and mother, just please don't. In what why have you been a good wife? Do you think by giving him mercy sex when he wants it you are doing him a favor.

 

Trust me, if/when he finds out what you have done to his life, he is actually going to want to throw up right at the kitchen table.

 

Don't tell me about being a great mother either, I know you think all the kids are your husbands, but he will get a DNA test done when he finds out.

 

And in what way are you a good mother. Your children's entire world is a lie. Their entire world is a sham because of you. The possibility is quite high the their world will come crashing down at some point.

 

The reason I am being so blunt is not to hurt your feelings. I want for you to realize that you have been living in a fantasy land and lying to yourself all these years.

 

Really about the only honest thing you can do is divorce your husband and take that consequences. That way, maybe, you would not have to tell him and, maybe, it would not come out. Just maybe.

 

Otherwise, you will continue to live a lie for the rest of your life.

 

I feel so sorry for what you are going through, but there is no good way to get out of this. If you and OM can stop, that would be good, and it is possible, but you would still be living a lie.

 

Don't you want to be a real person in a real relationship with someone?

 

The only way that you can do that with your husband is confess, but if he is any kind of man, he will divorce you as soon as possible.

 

I really wish you good luck...

Edited November 3, 2016 by BluesPower

[DKT3]

It's them discussing divorce. He says he will never remarry unless it's us but that's so unrealistic. I can't picture any situation where kids, family and friends would accept that at this point.

 

Why not? There is a possibility they are his kids. And trust, once your husband finds out you will do more then discuss divorce, the level of out right disrespect towards your husband and marriage is too much for 99% of the male population to stomach.

Edited November 3, 2016 by DKT3

[missmetomorrow]

I don't know if people keep bringing up the kids for shock value but they are all my husbands. They are my husbands race, they could do dna tests on each in any way they'd like they are all his.

[missmetomorrow]

I'm confused, you say you never thought about cheating but you've been cheating your entire marriage...I'm not sure you truly understand what is going on. Oh and Eventually this will get bad, if I had to bet on it I would bet his wife will find out then boom.

 

I don't know you but you're clearly not a good wife.never have been since you got married to one man while sleeping with another

 

Never been unfaithful or the desire to with anyone but this certain person that meant. Open marriage isn't what we were after it was just each other.

[DKT3]

Never been unfaithful or the desire to with anyone but this certain person that meant. Open marriage isn't what we were after it was just each other.

 

But its been your entire marriage.

 

I'm not sure if your just purely selfish or really don't understand how damaging this is. Your entire marriage is a fake.

 

No need to add shock value, it's already one of the worst stories I've heard here.

[DKT3]

Never been unfaithful or the desire to with anyone but this certain person that meant. Open marriage isn't what we were after it was just each other.

 

So why not tell your husband he is free to go find someone?

[missmetomorrow]

So why not tell your husband he is free to go find someone?

 

My husband is not held back by me. We have been with other women together. He's not interested in other people. It's not a thing that would help this.

[missmetomorrow]

But its been your entire marriage.

 

I'm not sure if your just purely selfish or really don't understand how damaging this is. Your entire marriage is a fake.

 

No need to add shock value, it's already one of the worst stories I've heard here.

 

I'm not saying its not bad. Not defending it. We were together long before we married, had kid before we did, it's the relationship as a whole I look at not the wedding. Yes. It's bad.

 

Looks just fine on the outside.

[missmetomorrow]

Yes. I fully admit this is about being selfish. I want to know if we can really end it.

[elaine567]

I don't think you can end it, not with the mindset you have at the moment.

[malvern99]

My husband is not held back by me. We have been with other women together. He's not interested in other people. It's not a thing that would help this.

 

Why do you get to unilaterally decide what's good and what's not good for your marriage and husband. Shouldn't decisions that affect marriages be made by both people in the marriage? Does he have any say at all?

[BuddyX]

You keep dropping the We pronoun. This will never change unless you say "I need to end this" and stick with it. Time to put on your big pants and do what's best, and that's 100% commitment to your marriage.

 

There is no gray area. You think there is (for your own selfish reasons), but it's black or white. Are you with your husband or not?

[ChickiePops]

My husband is not held back by me. We have been with other women together. He's not interested in other people. It's not a thing that would help this.

 

Your husband absolutely IS being held back by you. He's completely unaware that his marriage is a total sham..you are holding him back from finding the kind of wife he deserves..one that won't cheat, lie, and make a fool of him behind his back.

[DKT3]

My husband is not held back by me. We have been with other women together. He's not interested in other people. It's not a thing that would help this.

 

Sure he is being held back, you know this. He doesn't have the information to make his own decisions as it concerns the true nature of the marriage.

 

Do you honestly think it would continue this way if he had the information.

[salparadise]

It's them discussing divorce. He says he will never remarry unless it's us but that's so unrealistic. I can't picture any situation where kids, family and friends would accept that at this point.

 

I'm asking is a clean break possible if we still see each other, had no DDay and still love one another.

 

Oh, the other couple are discussing divorce? I must've missed that if you said it previously. That creates another possibility. It's possible that you could divorce too, and then be with OM. I know it's not ideal based on what you've said, but it is one possible resolution to the double life mess you're in now.

 

What you actually want is just not possible, based on what you've said... to live authentically and have both men. But you certainly could remain on good terms with your husband and be with OM after divorcing. It would probably require that you maintain the secret and then pretend to get together with him after it's done. Still not optimal but you'd be living authentically at least.

 

You really only have three options, with perhaps small variations in the specifics.

a) end the affair and never see him again

b) divorce your husband (and he his wife) and be with him

c) keep on doing what you're doing until you get caught or one of you dies

 

In your situation I don't think it will be possible to end the affair and still see OM socially. Because you're in love in a sexual, romantic way. All you'd be doing is abstaining from sex. The emotional part is as big a deal as sex. It would still be a lie. One of the problems is that you're not actually feeling all that bad about what you're doing. You know it's not right, you know that you should be eaten up with guilt... but you're not. At least not enough to moderate behavior.

 

You have a weak superego (id is dominant), and you're probably somewhere between Level 1 (pre-conventional) and Level 2 (conventional) in Kohlburg's developmental stages. You're more concerned with social conformity and avoiding consequences than you are with doing the right thing because of a principled conscience. If your behavior were driven by the principled conscious you'd choose to either leave the marriage to live authentically, or sacrifice your happiness for your husband and family.

 

PS: I commend you on the way you're handling the judgmental posts.

[malvern99]

What you actually want is just not possible, based on what you've said... to live authentically and have both men. But you certainly could remain on good terms with your husband and be with OM after divorcing. It would probably require that you maintain the secret and then pretend to get together with him after it's done. Still not optimal but you'd be living authentically at least.

 

Living authentically and pretending (continuing to lie) are irreconcilable concepts in my opinion. They can't coexist.

[missmetomorrow]

I very much realize I made my own bed.

That doesn't change the fact that it hurts it's very confusing I am stressed beyond my limit at the moment. I went back-and-forth in my head over and over how many times I need to end it, and I never tried that once I had no intention to, I thought, I would think it for days straight, but as soon as I saw him those thoughts went away.

 

I just suggested that we stop by pointing out the things going on around us right now, and he agreed. Things have kind of been really crazy lately with mutual friends and I just feel like if we were ever going to get caught now is when we will.

Suspicions around here are high I guess. Not our spouses personally but the conversation leads there often because of it, it's uncomfortable.

 

It's not like we talk every day, we did in the beginning we met very very often in the beginning but it's been five years sometimes it's three weeks in between seeing each other alone. But when we would get wrapped up in one another we would get very wrapped up almost up obsessed for weeks at a time.

 

There are moments I literally ache and there are moments I feel numb and it's only been two days.

 

I never set out to hurt anybody I definitely kept it in my own little place as just somewhere we could go .. Nobody knew I never told one person and neither did he only told each other that never happens secrets are never kept.

 

I miss him terribly. I have a commitment to my children and my husband who whether or not people here say I'm a bad wife he would disagree, if he knew this fact of course he would change his mind. I am not stupid thinking he would not divorce me and that my life wouldn't be ruined. The thing is day to day, and for years, I have kept our family together I am the glue that keeps us moving forward. I've never once said I was entitled to this, never once said it was not wrong .. But this doesn't define who I am so no judgement is going to affect me the way I think it does some others. I do feel guilt but I feel like it's not as strong as a normal person would feel it.

 

I want to end it so we don't get caught and nobody gets hurt. Not because it's the right thing but so that nobody ever finds out , I can admit that.

 

I would actually be very intrigued to have somebody analyze that.

 

I still love my family I would lay down my life for them I know what love is what it means to me just because it means something different to you does not mean I do not know what love is.

[BenchCoach]

The thing is, you can write a long and well-thought-out post, but your actions are in direct conflict.

 

What I'm getting, from your latest post, is that the only reason your putting "pause" on it is because of suspicions that you perceive... you have a feeling if you two were to continue, you'd be caught. Now, how sincere does that sound, if you were to look at it from the outside looking in? You go on to say that you never "set out to hurt anyone." Can you really say this with a straight face... I mean, seriously. You aren't doing your family, especially your husband any favors, that's for sure.

 

What's amusing is the when people in these situation go off on a tangent about how they're not "bad people"... that this experience does not "define me," yet they point out all of the positives and say "this is who I really am." Don't you see the irony in that. How can we be ALL the "good" but not the "bad." In reality, we're ALL and NEITHER, because we're capable of both. Our negatives don't just fall by the wayside because they're an inconvenient truth. If that were true, then so goes all the positives we posses, as well. What I'm trying to say, it's not about good and bad person... it's about right and wrong.

 

 

You're not fixing anything at all. You're deluding yourself. You want to keep your comfortable marriage and also keep OM close enough to you, as well. You're still lying to your husband and not giving him the respect he deserves by telling him the truth. Not only that, you dragged the poor guy into counseling without the knowledge of terrible betrayal that he's being dealt. To add insult to injury the man you have been having an affair with is a mutual friend who's wife you've endeared yourself to. Please tell how that is a "good" thing. You continually contradict yourself by asking for support on how to end things, yet you refuse to do what has been suggested to you.

 

You said it yourself- you're addicted to this man's attention. Read about how addicts try to kick the habit. Somewhere in there, I'm sure there is a step where the addict apologizes to those he/she has hurt. You're not willing to do that. You want to hold this secret affair close to your heart and "fake it till you make it" with your husband. How the hell is that supposed to happen when you can't even go total NC with the OM and his BS? Your still pining for this man and have declared your love for him... your husband has NO CHANCE... poor b*****d.

[JustJoe]

OP, what is it exactly you want here? Do you want support for your actions? You probably won't get much of that. Do you want advice on how to end the affair? Most posters have given you post after post on how to do so.

You ask if you can end the affair, with nobody any the wiser, maintain friendly relations with the AP's family ...in short with no repercussions at all. It isn't going to happen. It can't, because you are too selfish. Many posters have already told you this.

So what is it you want? It seems from your posts that what you want is a fantasy world with no relation to reality. A good way to get back to reality is to tell the truth, but of course, you won't do that, because the truth conflicts with your fantasy. If I were you, I would get off this website, get some Individual counseling and possibly some religious instruction, and learn to deal with reality as it is, not as your imagination wants it to be.

[Jemima1234]

I very much realize I made my own bed.

That doesn't change the fact that it hurts it's very confusing I am stressed beyond my limit at the moment. I went back-and-forth in my head over and over how many times I need to end it, and I never tried that once I had no intention to, I thought, I would think it for days straight, but as soon as I saw him those thoughts went away.

 

I just suggested that we stop by pointing out the things going on around us right now, and he agreed. Things have kind of been really crazy lately with mutual friends and I just feel like if we were ever going to get caught now is when we will.

Suspicions around here are high I guess. Not our spouses personally but the conversation leads there often because of it, it's uncomfortable.

 

It's not like we talk every day, we did in the beginning we met very very often in the beginning but it's been five years sometimes it's three weeks in between seeing each other alone. But when we would get wrapped up in one another we would get very wrapped up almost up obsessed for weeks at a time.

 

There are moments I literally ache and there are moments I feel numb and it's only been two days.

 

I never set out to hurt anybody I definitely kept it in my own little place as just somewhere we could go .. Nobody knew I never told one person and neither did he only told each other that never happens secrets are never kept.

 

I miss him terribly. I have a commitment to my children and my husband who whether or not people here say I'm a bad wife he would disagree, if he knew this fact of course he would change his mind. I am not stupid thinking he would not divorce me and that my life wouldn't be ruined. The thing is day to day, and for years, I have kept our family together I am the glue that keeps us moving forward. I've never once said I was entitled to this, never once said it was not wrong .. But this doesn't define who I am so no judgement is going to affect me the way I think it does some others. I do feel guilt but I feel like it's not as strong as a normal person would feel it.

 

I want to end it so we don't get caught and nobody gets hurt. Not because it's the right thing but so that nobody ever finds out , I can admit that.

 

I would actually be very intrigued to have somebody analyze that.

 

I still love my family I would lay down my life for them I know what love is what it means to me just because it means something different to you does not mean I do not know what love is.

 

 

Hi I can understand some of what you write here. My main reason for stopping my affair was fear of getting caught and hurting lots of people. I am honest enough to admit that if someone could guarantee we would never get caught and others wouldn't get hurt then I would have continued the affair!!! Horrendous to admit and makes me question the person I am but it's true.

 

I get a lot of what you saying about the friends bit too - but it's going to be so hard to move from an affair to being friends - trust me I have tried. If you love him it's so tough. And there is a risk one of you moves on emotionally and the other doesn't and then you will resent one another etc. I really feel for you as I think this is a tough situation- I know it's your own doing - but it doesn't change the pain.

[eye of the storm]

Missme, you keep asking if you can end it. Yes you can. But only if you decide to. My xH quit smoking and went back to it for years. Then one day he decided he was tired of being a smoker. So he quit and never went back. Quitting anything you love or are addicted to will not stick until you decide you are done. You truly want to live a better life.

 

Notice I don't mention him. Because he does not matter in this. Only you do and only your decision to live a better life.

 

It will not be easy. It will be very hard esp if you decide to keep the A a secret. But, in time, if you choose with your actions to be done with the A. Yes you can end it.

 

I still say stop talking to his W though. You have tortured her enough. Sleep with her H or not, but stop screwing with her by pretending to be her friend. Its vicious.

[missmetomorrow]

I'm looking for insight and company I suppose. I have no issue with what's been said but I've been pretty clear that I'm not going to be disclosing anything to anyone. So too keep saying isn't achieving anything.

My husband has his own issues, I have mine. It's not as if I spent more time in an affair than being a wife or mother. My main focus has always been to see them smiling and they are. We are going to counselling to learn parenting skills and deal with past issues my husband asked for support on. Get over it. People are not just good or bad.

 

It is not black and white.

There are definitely shades of gray. And for someone to say nurturing an emotional connection in secret is worse than anything else is ridiculous. You can't compare anything by knowing 3 percent of a story. The sexual side was the worst part of it and I understand that.

 

I have been nothing open here, admitted I would be ending it so not to get caught. I know that's going to get judgment but it's still the truth. Does it even matter to you why I would want to end it.

 

I'm not at risk to do it again with someone else. Only this one person. That's bad enough but I've never said otherwise. I just can't get over how it's somehow the worst sin.