Miss Peach Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 I have gone out on 6 dates with a man who is separated and coming out of a 22 year marriage. He's never been in another adult relationship. I've been to his house. His wife has moved out. He hasn't filed anything. We've had no talks about being serious, exclusive, etc. I can tell he likes me a lot. I like him too but it's been 6 dates in about 3 weeks. I've been wanting to take things slowly and see how it goes. I also have a lot of concerns about being a rebound. He's starting to invite me for weekend trips, to meet his parents, trying to make holiday plans, etc. This seems a bit soon to go to his parent's house for a holiday when we haven't dated long and he hasn't even filed his divorce papers. What are some nice ways to tell him to slow down a bit?
Redhead14 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 I have gone out on 6 dates with a man who is separated and coming out of a 22 year marriage. He's never been in another adult relationship. I've been to his house. His wife has moved out. He hasn't filed anything. We've had no talks about being serious, exclusive, etc. I can tell he likes me a lot. I like him too but it's been 6 dates in about 3 weeks. I've been wanting to take things slowly and see how it goes. I also have a lot of concerns about being a rebound. He's starting to invite me for weekend trips, to meet his parents, trying to make holiday plans, etc. This seems a bit soon to go to his parent's house for a holiday when we haven't dated long and he hasn't even filed his divorce papers. What are some nice ways to tell him to slow down a bit? "I've enjoyed the time we've spent together, however, I think it would be wise for both of us to back off of seeing each other until your divorce is final and you have moved past it all". If you are dating for the long-term goal of having a committed relationship for yourself, this is not going to be the guy. The turmoil of a divorce takes a heavy toll on a dating partners. It is too soon for this guy to be dating for a serious relationship and entirely too soon to be bringing you on trips and meeting the family. I might suspect that the family will be aghast at your appearance there. It's risky as well because his family may still care for his ex and not supportive of the divorce, etc. 4
jen1447 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Well I doubt you'll need to slow him down indefinitely so just say you need more intimacy first and then jump him. He won't think about his parents for long. (Or if he's one of the cuckolds, jump his friend. ) 2
gorf Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 I have gone out on 6 dates with a man who is separated and coming out of a 22 year marriage. He's never been in another adult relationship. I've been to his house. His wife has moved out. He hasn't filed anything. We've had no talks about being serious, exclusive, etc. I can tell he likes me a lot. I like him too but it's been 6 dates in about 3 weeks. I've been wanting to take things slowly and see how it goes. I also have a lot of concerns about being a rebound. He's starting to invite me for weekend trips, to meet his parents, trying to make holiday plans, etc. This seems a bit soon to go to his parent's house for a holiday when we haven't dated long and he hasn't even filed his divorce papers. What are some nice ways to tell him to slow down a bit? Coming out of a 22 year marriage.. but he isnt out. He's still married to her. So if you want to know about the rebound, there you go. Tell him straight up he is moving too fast for you. And you dont feel comfortable with weekend trips, meeting the parents, etc, until you have more time to get to know him. If that is true to you, then say it. Im sure he will understand.. if he does not, remind him its been less than a month of you two together, and he was just out of a long marriage so he needs to slow down for his own sake as well. 2
IfonlyIknew Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 After 22 years he is going to find someone to fill those shoes pretty quickly, he is co-dependent still. It's up to you to put the brakes on and slow this down, fill up your calendar a little bit, don't accept every date.
sandylee1 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 It's moving too quickly. .. I agree with you. Tell him you'd like to get to know him better before meeting his parents .... and I'd ask when he'll be filing for D. You've no idea how long he'll be married for. 1
Poe77 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 He prob wants to test out his options before actually filing the papers maybe he really dose like you and wants to make sure you get along with his family? I could see were might make you uncomfortable tho tech he is still a married man
Author Miss Peach Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 "I've enjoyed the time we've spent together, however, I think it would be wise for both of us to back off of seeing each other until your divorce is final and you have moved past it all". I don't really care he's not divorced. I just don't want to settle down into a monogamous, committed relationship with him at this time. I might want to in the future. I would like to keep dating him Well I doubt you'll need to slow him down indefinitely so just say you need more intimacy first and then jump him. He won't think about his parents for long. (Or if he's one of the cuckolds, jump his friend. ) Haha. No he's not a cuckhold. Just a normal guy that I like. I had been thinking of proposing an open relationship if it comes up but he's never known anything outside of monogamy so I'm doubting it will go over well. The jumping him part may not work too well. I am already way more sexual than anyone he's ever met. He seems to like it but doesn't know what to do. It's moving too quickly. .. I agree with you. Tell him you'd like to get to know him better before meeting his parents .... and I'd ask when he'll be filing for D. You've no idea how long he'll be married for. He asked me for some recommendations and says he's ready to sign with one. He assures me he's not going back. Has been separated for about a year but hasn't had any dates go back date #1.
jen1447 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Haha. No he's not a cuckhold. Just a normal guy that I like. I had been thinking of proposing an open relationship if it comes up but he's never known anything outside of monogamy so I'm doubting it will go over well. The jumping him part may not work too well. I am already way more sexual than anyone he's ever met. He seems to like it but doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know what to do sexually? btw I'd float the OR sooner rather than later - it'll be easier for him to take if he's less invested. 1
Gaeta Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 This man is acting no different tgan any man coming out of a long marriage. He is throwing himself at you with all he's got to fill the void. He can huff and puff all he wants no way he is ready to reinvest himself. So we know whats in it for him...what's in it for you?
Author Miss Peach Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 (edited) Doesn't know what to do sexually? btw I'd float the OR sooner rather than later - it'll be easier for him to take if he's less invested. The way he explained it to me his stbxw wasn't very sexual. He was lucky if he got sex once per month. I asked if it had been that way when they met in college and he told me it had been. He explains it was basically going to the main act. I've been teaching him a bit about foreplay. He feels a bit out of his league on foreplay but is trying and improving. I've warned him about my sex drive. I haven't painted the full picture for him yet but I've clued him into more than I typically do with men at this point. He knows and likes I am very sexual. He knows I want to test my limits right now and that I've been held back. I haven't shared exactly how I have been doing that lately and he hasn't asked. This man is acting no different tgan any man coming out of a long marriage. He is throwing himself at you with all he's got to fill the void. He can huff and puff all he wants no way he is ready to reinvest himself. So we know whats in it for him...what's in it for you? I enjoy his company a lot. I feel we get a lot about each other. I've been a bit more in 'explore what I want' mode so I wasn't necessarily looking for a LTR right away. I'm happy with the idea to have a few regular guys (or women) I get closer to while I figure out what I want. I would like one(or more) to possibly to turn into something more eventually but I'm enjoying what I have going right now. Edited October 27, 2016 by Miss Peach
Gaeta Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 I enjoy his company a lot. I feel we get a lot about each other. I've been a bit more in 'explore what I want' mode so I wasn't necessarily looking for a LTR right away. I'm happy with the idea to have a few regular guys (or women) I get closer to while I figure out what I want. I would like one(or more) to possibly to turn into something more eventually but I'm enjoying what I have going right now. Then it might be better to not meet his family. This is a very uncertain relationship and family don't need to be dragged in it. He is not even out of his marriage, you don't know what you want, so why involve anyone else? I don't know how old are his parents but it seems more cruel than anything else that he'd start bringing you around for them to get attached while you don't even know if either of you will be there the next day. Not only the parents but his siblings, his nieces and nephews are all people that would read something into him bringing you along. I would never ever bring a man in my family this early and with this much uncertainties. Not because of me, not because of him, but because I have too much respect for my family's time and for their love and support. Not just anyone deserves I bring them along.
Ami1uwant Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 This is a decision only you can make....understand the ramifications. You have holidays coming up and people travel and book flights mow. If you don't want to meet his parents don't be upset he isn't with you on the holidays. The issue of him possibly rushing is real where he isn't divorced yet. Talking of a weekend trip of you two traveling somewhere at this point isn't that unusual.
mortensorchid Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 This sounds like a rebound relationship. His marriage of 22 years is over with, and he's not even officially divorced yet. Oddly enough, even though men are stereotypical commitment phobics, studies have shown that marriage / long term relationships benefit men more than women. And many I have known who were married once said their quality of life was better when they were with someone. As a matter of fact, many were actively searching for another wife ASAP once their marriages were over with, and whoever they ended up with after it was over and done with was not right for them. Guys can be just as eager / desperate as women can be, they have a certain advantage and they know it. Be cautious. He could be a good guy and all but he's clearly working on things with resolving his marriage. If you've only been on 6 dates, say you would like to wait a bit after at least 10 or 12 before you meet his family. Have you met any of his friends? That's a first step. If not, something's not right.
Poe77 Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 I don't really care he's not divorced. I just don't want to settle down into a monogamous, committed relationship with him at this time. I might want to in the future. I would like to keep dating him Haha. No he's not a cuckhold. Just a normal guy that I like. I had been thinking of proposing an open relationship if it comes up but he's never known anything outside of monogamy so I'm doubting it will go over well. T1. An open relationship? why even bother? why not just stay single and date around? not trying to be mean sorry if it comes off that way I just never understood open relationships and have never ever seen one work long term def dont meet this guys family if you really dont want a serious relationship prob better to just move on hes use to be being with one women for the last 22 years hes prob not going to want to "share" his gf with anyone..
Author Miss Peach Posted October 28, 2016 Author Posted October 28, 2016 This is a decision only you can make....understand the ramifications. You have holidays coming up and people travel and book flights mow. If you don't want to meet his parents don't be upset he isn't with you on the holidays. Travel isn't an issue because his family is local. I have friends locally to spend the holidays with. I told him with several things to go ahead and do things without me. I was actually expecting the holiday to be the same way. I'm concerned more with how to best tell him to slow down.
jay1983 Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 Sounds like he's got a case of arrested development. Just slow it down a little, I wouldn't write him off just yet.
jay1983 Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 (edited) Travel isn't an issue because his family is local. I have friends locally to spend the holidays with. I told him with several things to go ahead and do things without me. I was actually expecting the holiday to be the same way. I'm concerned more with how to best tell him to slow down. Just postpone it, tell him you can't make it, let's hang out you and him the day after or whatever. Then in person tell him you weren't expecting to meet his parents yet. "I was surprised you asked me so soon, usually a few months......blah blah blah. Then change the subject and carry on like normal. In other words, don't make too big a deal of it. Edited October 28, 2016 by jay1983
Tayla Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 My preference is direct and open honesty. Share with him your escapades of late. That will enlighten him to the adventuresome lifestyle you embark upon. It will give him the wakeup call he needs that not only has the sexual revolution ended..a few folks took their toys home with them...
Author Miss Peach Posted October 28, 2016 Author Posted October 28, 2016 My preference is direct and open honesty. Share with him your escapades of late. That will enlighten him to the adventuresome lifestyle you embark upon. It will give him the wakeup call he needs that not only has the sexual revolution ended..a few folks took their toys home with them... I've started bringing this up but it seems like a lot to spring in one conversation.
amaysngrace Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 He's putting a lot of pressure on you. Maybe he doesn't want to be alone for the holidays but you need to tell him to slow down before he pushes you away. You can always use the fact that he's still married to get you out of anything that you don't feel like doing but meeting the family after just six dates? I guess just do what feels right to you. Trust your instincts.
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