RyanO1991 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 (edited) A couple of months ago, my ex cheated and we broke up. She said I had been an amazing boyfriend. She had said I was kind, caring and sensitive. I used to be quiet and always avoided confrontation. In fact, my ex says she would have found it easier to deal with if I was angry and shouting when I found out about the other guy. Although I'm still caring and listen to my friends when they need me, I realised yesterday that I've become much more assertive - maybe even aggressive - and I really don't care what people think of me. For example, yesterday I made way for a guy to come down the stairs. When he came down, I didn't get a thank you. This has happened before and I shrugged it off, but without thinking I turned around and said: "Yeah, you're welcome." The guy kicked off and I explained that next time I hope he "falls down the stairs like a f**king slinky." A few weeks ago, I was driving past a gym and a guy shouted a tirade of swear words at me through the window. I stopped, reversed into the car park and went to the door. The guy had locked it, so I climbed through an open window and gave him a few stern words. He was very defensive and apologised several times. (I'm not the most imposing of guys - I'm 6 foot but only 10 stone). When I was with my ex, I would never have had the nerve to do these things. But yesterday my family told me that I seem to have changed. I hadn't even realised - it's completely unintentional. It's not as if I've changed for my ex - she hated confrontation so she wouldn't be comfortable around me now. Is this healthy? Has anyone found anything similar? Edited October 27, 2016 by RyanO1991 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 (edited) I don't believe the change you are describing is healthy, no. There is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. The latter isn't a great quality and could wind you in trouble if you don't reel it in. I think you are actually angry about what she did and you're projecting it this way. Edited October 27, 2016 by ExpatInItaly 6
Satu Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 There's nothing wrong with anger, but you have to deal with it a healthy and productive way. Hitting a punchbag Going to a place where you can't be heard and shouting it out Breaking up cardboard boxes Etc, etc. Take care 4
Kelley Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 I have to agree with the above, I think you are still angry and it's coming out in this way. I'm the same in the sense I'm usually really laid back, take everything in my stride, also hated confrontation. If anyone rubs me up the wrong way, I really blow it out of proportion and fight my corner now, and you know what I hate it. I find that my running is helping me let the anger out these days, also writing it down in letters then destroying them. You need to find a release valve and let it go. Don't let her change you, she so isn't worth it. 2
Author RyanO1991 Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 Thanks Expat, Kelley and Satu. I think it's definitely been triggered by my ex. Now when I see people being unfair or unpleasant to others, I find it impossible to stand by and let them get away with it. With hindsight, I realise that the language I used at those two guys was completely out of order, but I don't regret pulling them up on what they did. I spent 3 years trying to the right thing and being "that nice guy who everyone likes", but now I think as long as I'm true to my principles I really don't care what other people think. 2
Satu Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 snip With hindsight, I realise that the language I used at those two guys was completely out of order, but I don't regret pulling them up on what they did. I spent 3 years trying to the right thing and being "that nice guy who everyone likes", *but now I think as long as I'm true to my principles I really don't care what other people think. Thats OK, but try to keep a sense of proportion. 3
Author RyanO1991 Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 snip Thats OK, but try to keep a sense of proportion. That's good advice, Satu. Thank you! 2
keiji Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Thanks Expat, Kelley and Satu. I think it's definitely been triggered by my ex. Now when I see people being unfair or unpleasant to others, I find it impossible to stand by and let them get away with it. With hindsight, I realise that the language I used at those two guys was completely out of order, but I don't regret pulling them up on what they did. I spent 3 years trying to the right thing and being "that nice guy who everyone likes", but now I think as long as I'm true to my principles I really don't care what other people think. Something very similar happened to me after my ex-wife left me six years ago. I was so angry, confused and frustrated that I even became aggressive. I feel ashamed to tell this, but one evening I punched a guy and broke his nose. He was assaulting a girl, ok, but it's no excuse. Months later, I got in a stupid argument with some stranger and threatened to punch him, but fortunately my friends dragged me away. A few days later, I learnt that the guy had won my country's kyokushinkai championships twice. So, aside of behaving like an idiot, I could have ended in hospital. Fortunately, it's not permanent if it's not your nature. Don't let frustration get the best of you. In hindsight, you'll feel pathetic. I certainly do. No, it's definitely not healthy, and the world isn't to blame for our misfortunes. 2
Survivor12 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Thanks Expat, Kelley and Satu. I think it's definitely been triggered by my ex. Now when I see people being unfair or unpleasant to others, I find it impossible to stand by and let them get away with it. With hindsight, I realise that the language I used at those two guys was completely out of order, but I don't regret pulling them up on what they did. I spent 3 years trying to the right thing and being "that nice guy who everyone likes", but now I think as long as I'm true to my principles I really don't care what other people think. Keep in mind that two wrongs don't make it right. In other words, just because others act inappropriately does not justify your own bad behavior. I mean, do your principals include wishing someone physical harm? Think about it--perhaps the guy that didn't thank you had just suffered a breakup himself or had lost his job--or a family member. Calling him out on his rudeness, fine, but to resort to aggressive (and immature) comments, not so much. Just because someone is dealing with heartbreak or loss does not justify them taking out their anger or grief on innocent bystanders, right? (Pot/kettle) Look, you have every right to your opinions and emotions, but for your own good, it would be wise to be thoughtful about how you go about expressing them. As others have said, find a way to channel your anger. If you want to be treated kindly, set an example. In fact, it can be very helpful to consciously initiate positive emotions in others. Smile at someone who looks sad, say hello to the stranger next to you in line at the market...Even if you don't get a similar response, it could make someone else's day a little brighter & in turn, you will begin to notice the positive rather than negative things around you. Bottom line: Fake it 'til you make it....and find ways to take out your anger on things, not people. Good luck. 1
Author RyanO1991 Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 Keep in mind that two wrongs don't make it right. In other words, just because others act inappropriately does not justify your own bad behavior. I mean, do your principals include wishing someone physical harm? Think about it--perhaps the guy that didn't thank you had just suffered a breakup himself or had lost his job--or a family member. Calling him out on his rudeness, fine, but to resort to aggressive (and immature) comments, not so much. Just because someone is dealing with heartbreak or loss does not justify them taking out their anger or grief on innocent bystanders, right? (Pot/kettle) Look, you have every right to your opinions and emotions, but for your own good, it would be wise to be thoughtful about how you go about expressing them. As others have said, find a way to channel your anger. If you want to be treated kindly, set an example. In fact, it can be very helpful to consciously initiate positive emotions in others. Smile at someone who looks sad, say hello to the stranger next to you in line at the market...Even if you don't get a similar response, it could make someone else's day a little brighter & in turn, you will begin to notice the positive rather than negative things around you. Bottom line: Fake it 'til you make it....and find ways to take out your anger on things, not people. Good luck. You're absolutely right. I would never genuinely wish physical harm on anyone. We all go through things - there are lots of things that have happened this year (the breakup being one) that have been painful, but I've always been polite and civil to anyone I meet. I think that's why I find it hard to let it go when people think they can act rudely or outrageously to others. With hindsight, I don't regret taking action. But I do regret the actions that I took. It's just that I've found being nice to people who aren't worth it doesn't get you anywhere in life and some people need that wake up call. But aggression isn't the best way. But I'll always be there for the people who deserve it. This forum reminds me of all the good there is in the world. Thanks for the advice. It's helped a lot. 1
BC1980 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 I spent 3 years trying to the right thing and being "that nice guy who everyone likes", but now I think as long as I'm true to my principles I really don't care what other people think. I felt this way after my breakup. I have become more assertive and have developed stronger boundaries, but I had to learn to do it in a way that is appropriate and healthy. I had to learn to be nice without being trampled on. It takes some work if you are a people pleaser, which is what I was. I let people walk all over me because I wanted everyone to like me. That's usually the motivation of a people pleaser. I don't know if you feel that way, but I certainly did. There is a balance. There is a way to assert yourself while being respectful of others. It takes time to find the right balance. There is a book a lot of guys recommend on this site called "No More Mr. Nice Guy." It might be worth a try. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Ryan seems to me that you need to tone it down a bit but all in all I would say that you are fine. About time you stood up for yourself... When you are a door mat people treat you as such. When you expect people to treat you with a bit of respect and project that they will do. Often just the raising of your eye brows or taking a calm deep breath is more than plenty...
jen1447 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Ppl do change (I've even seen it here in fact - Toodles and Popsi come to mind), but if you're chasing ppl into private buildings that's bad. You'll get yourself in trouble that way one way or the other eventually - either you'll go to jail or you'll push up the wrong guy and get your ass kicked. So yeah, learn some coping skills ....if that's not doable on your own and you can't control yourself, therapy.
keiji Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Ppl do change (I've even seen it here in fact - Toodles and Popsi come to mind), but if you're chasing ppl into private buildings that's bad. You'll get yourself in trouble that way one way or the other eventually - either you'll go to jail or you'll push up the wrong guy and get your ass kicked. So yeah, learn some coping skills ....if that's not doable on your own and you can't control yourself, therapy. Exactly. There's nothing wrong with having a strong character. I do have it, and sometimes it's a bit difficult to deal with it, but losing it with a stranger for no reason is simply a waste of time and guarantees trouble sooner or later. It's often a way to channel our frustration, which we disguise as grabbin the bull by the horns or imparting justice. It can very useful to maintain a healthy debate or elbow your way in a difficult career environment. Other than that, it's not healthy at all.
BluesPower Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 First, the chasing is a bad idea. Second, learn to fight and get good at it. Third, don't be a jerk for no reason, that is a bad idea. Forth, But don't be a passive man. Here is the deal. Guy pops off to me in a bar or whatever, I speak up, politely at first, and explain the situation. I give him a chance to apologize. If he does not I whip his ass. Never been to jail over it yet. And, it is OK to not care what people think, if you are confident and kind to people. The is no reason to take disrespectful crap from people.
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